Okay - to say that I have been moody lately is an understatement. I have been focused so totally on me, my needs, my hurts, my feelings of inadequacy for the current situation. It is like I am a child without object permanence. I often have joked lately to my close friends that what I have been acting like is a 12 year old stomping her foot over not getting "her way". Really? What is my way? Do I TRULY believe my way is better? Sometimes - not better necessarily - just easier. So often I would trade easy for the "best" of almost anything. Until it is all put in perspective.
For instance, would I trade not having Tate at all in my life vs. having Tate and all his medical issues, developmental delays that have been overcome (mostly), and his infectious love of life - all because not having him would have been easier? Easier than hundreds of doctor visits, countless trials of meds and formulas, rides in the ambulance, hospital stays, the ongoing cost of feeding him? Seriously, Reeda? Is that the best? The easier way. Absolutely, unequivocally - NO!! How quickly I forget (hence the above mentioned object permanence)! No wonder God is allowing repeat performances of increasing my ability to persevere! Do I like it? No. Is it comfortable? Absolutely not. How many times have I said that to my own children? "Growing is painful, life isn't fair, this is all preparation, etc?" Countless times - I can assure you of that. I think I understand what God is feeling from me right now - That internal - and unfortunately, sometimes external 'eye roll' from me that I do -like my kids do with me when I have repeated those statements for the thousandth time. You know - where sometimes you think - "boy you are sooo lucky I don't slap faces", but other times you are like, "its okay - roll your eyes - one day you will look back and thank me for telling you this, and making you stick with this" - and you know that it really is true - they can't see it now, but they will. They really will.
That is where I am yet again today - I am the child - God is my Father. He is saying to me:
"I know, I have been there (how many times have our earthly parents said that to us and we have thought - "no, no you don't understand!- times are different - THIS is different - how can you understand?!") and I (God) am assuring you, this will get better. YOU will be better for this. Your attitude during it matters, but whether you choose to have a good attitude or a bad attitude during this difficulty, you will be better off and stronger on the other side. I love you, and I am here with you - as painful as it may be to watch you have to go through this, I know if I step in right now it only prolongs the growing process instead of shortening it. So, easier is not better for you. At some point you have to trust me."
Love, Abba Father
So, the twelve year old inside me sits down, and the thirty five year old is beginning to slowly stand up. The one that knows He is right. I can look back - see where His hand has brought me, taught me, blessed me - even in the midst of trials. I always think the one I am in is the worst 'ever'. Thank God that He promises not to give me more than I can bear and He does always provide respite and a way out if necessary. I have to trust him.
Just like Tate has to trust me. Trust me that I will tell him the truth when something is going to hurt vs. when its not going to hurt. Trust me that the pain he is going through really will be worth it all in the end. Perseverance. This is a trait we don't always think of when we think of what we want to teach and pass on to our children - but oh how extremely important it is!! Without perseverance where would we be? Still 12 and stomping our foot.
God is allowing these "difficulties" in my life to develop inside me perseverance. This will give me words to share with others that I encounter on this road called life - going through the same or similar circumstances - my experience, strength, and hope. Wow! What an AWESOME God I serve!!
He is so faithful even when I am not.
"Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice, mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud (wow, what an issue pride is turning out to be for me), but be willing to associate with those of low position. Do not be conceited. Do not repay evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord. On the contrary: If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head." Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." Romans 12:9-21
Those verses mean so very much to me right now - God is calling me to treat others with kindness - doing for them - serving them - in doing so I am actually serving God and then the "feelings" will follow. Not before. If I sit waiting on God to create His love inside me I think I may be waiting a while - He is impressing on me to act on faith (see, I can learn) - He will fill in the rest - I can't have it all figured out beforehand and then look at my choices - I have to act with faith. Even if I don't feel like it. So, I will be kind, hospitable, and loving to those that hurt me - just as Christ is kind, loving, and hospitable to me - despite how I treat him so often.
Thank you, Jesus, for your mercy toward me - may I have mercy on those around me.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Focusing on God's character, not my circumstances
Let me begin by saying how absolutely blessed I am. Right now my heart is filled to overflowing with my love for God and His unfailing love for me.
My friends know some of all that I have been walking through lately within my immediate family. My husband, children, etc.
It is like the most natural thing that when I begin to go through difficult times to pull back within myself. Isolate. Push others back. Some of that is self protection - even a convoluted form of protection for the perceived problem or problem person within the situation. Following is an extremely lacking in detail list of all the ways God has reminded me this year of HIS faithfulness, HIS love, HIS kindness, HIS compassion, HIS complete inability to be anything except what he is - unchanging.
Five years ago God placed me in a church that fed me love, healing, and God's word. Through the teachings, small groups, relationships, and pastors there I am coming to better understand God's size and power. Too often I think I have seriously underestimated Him.
Seven years ago God brought SW into my life. God has so used her to meet physical needs (childcare, furniture, meals) that my family has had, but he has also used her over the years to meet emotional and spiritual needs I have had. I would say she has been my Titus 2 female. She has a heart of compassion and is always teaching.
Sixteen years ago, God placed an extremely kind hearted, service oriented woman. She has been used in my life to teach me what it looks like to be and act like a friend. In deeds, words, prayers, sharing, and teaching. She has been a mirror God has used for me to cause me to truly look at how I am treating others, but also about how God loves and sees me. I am forever grateful to have her in my life although I will never be to her what she is, and has been, to me over all these years.
Fourteen years ago God placed in my life a girl that was always so "bubbly", positive, uplifting, passionate, and effusive. For all that know me you know I am not so nearly at all like that. There are times, maybe, but it is not my God given daily personality. I was drawn to her - first because of how "straight" she sat in her chair - it fascinated me. Then because she was just so different than me. There have been times our differences have annoyed me - but only because I wish I had more of her "life" inside of me - or because she was so uplifting when I just really needed to sit on my pitty pot a little longer for my own suiting. God had so many other plans. He has used our friendship to meet needs in one another throughout these years - physical needs - cleaning, hair stuff, childcare, moving, etc. But, He has also used our friendship to remind me that there is another way to see life - there is also a very loving and gracious God just waiting to spend time with me. It has been so often that God has used her to speak the truth to me when I could not hear it from Him. For that I am ever grateful.
Thirty four years ago God also brought into my life one of the most kind, loving, stable, easygoing, people I have ever met. Compared to her I am a roller coaster ride. I joke all the time that God put her family next to mine to give me another family. But oh how true that is. She long ago went from "friend" to "family". Sister to me and all my craziness. She has seen me through so many difficult and trying times - always the quiet strength I needed right at the exact moment. Never saying no to listening to me. She has probably put up with more from me than any other person on this Earth except maybe my mom. I love her, trust her, thank God for her in my life. She brings warmth and joy into my life- a peace that comes from knowing each other so well and never having to start over. She is quick to forgive and always ready to smile. Her stability and ability to never let the "little" things (you know - the ones I think are mountains?) get her down or sidetracked - she ALWAYS knows there is a way through or around anything and instead of complaining - just presses on until she finds it. Oh that I could be more like her, too!
There are so very many others through out my life - teachers, Sunday school teachers, room mates, church youth friends, ministers, minister's wives, youth workers, employers, and on and on - that God has placed in my life to teach me, grow me, push me on to what I am supposed to be and get me to that next "point" in my life. I can never explain how blessed I am to not only have these people throughout the years, but so very blessed to realize how blessed I am and how precious they are. I just pray they will at some point fully understand what their lives and their time with me have done for me, my walk with Christ, and my life. I think I tell people, but that doesn't mean they really, really understand.
It makes me think of the Ray Boltz song, "Thank you". If for some reason they didn't understand it while here on Earth - at least I know God is just waiting to show them all they have meant and all the ways they have all touched lives - especially mine.
I pray for my kids daily. For covering and protection - for friends, teachers, and leaders that will be positive, reinforcing, Christ like people that continue to nudge them along the correct path. I see how God has placed people around me that have something in them that I wish I had in me - hopefully I am passing on to others what I have been blessed to receive.
Much love, thanks, and Merry Christmas to all my friends and family.
My friends know some of all that I have been walking through lately within my immediate family. My husband, children, etc.
It is like the most natural thing that when I begin to go through difficult times to pull back within myself. Isolate. Push others back. Some of that is self protection - even a convoluted form of protection for the perceived problem or problem person within the situation. Following is an extremely lacking in detail list of all the ways God has reminded me this year of HIS faithfulness, HIS love, HIS kindness, HIS compassion, HIS complete inability to be anything except what he is - unchanging.
Five years ago God placed me in a church that fed me love, healing, and God's word. Through the teachings, small groups, relationships, and pastors there I am coming to better understand God's size and power. Too often I think I have seriously underestimated Him.
Seven years ago God brought SW into my life. God has so used her to meet physical needs (childcare, furniture, meals) that my family has had, but he has also used her over the years to meet emotional and spiritual needs I have had. I would say she has been my Titus 2 female. She has a heart of compassion and is always teaching.
Sixteen years ago, God placed an extremely kind hearted, service oriented woman. She has been used in my life to teach me what it looks like to be and act like a friend. In deeds, words, prayers, sharing, and teaching. She has been a mirror God has used for me to cause me to truly look at how I am treating others, but also about how God loves and sees me. I am forever grateful to have her in my life although I will never be to her what she is, and has been, to me over all these years.
Fourteen years ago God placed in my life a girl that was always so "bubbly", positive, uplifting, passionate, and effusive. For all that know me you know I am not so nearly at all like that. There are times, maybe, but it is not my God given daily personality. I was drawn to her - first because of how "straight" she sat in her chair - it fascinated me. Then because she was just so different than me. There have been times our differences have annoyed me - but only because I wish I had more of her "life" inside of me - or because she was so uplifting when I just really needed to sit on my pitty pot a little longer for my own suiting. God had so many other plans. He has used our friendship to meet needs in one another throughout these years - physical needs - cleaning, hair stuff, childcare, moving, etc. But, He has also used our friendship to remind me that there is another way to see life - there is also a very loving and gracious God just waiting to spend time with me. It has been so often that God has used her to speak the truth to me when I could not hear it from Him. For that I am ever grateful.
Thirty four years ago God also brought into my life one of the most kind, loving, stable, easygoing, people I have ever met. Compared to her I am a roller coaster ride. I joke all the time that God put her family next to mine to give me another family. But oh how true that is. She long ago went from "friend" to "family". Sister to me and all my craziness. She has seen me through so many difficult and trying times - always the quiet strength I needed right at the exact moment. Never saying no to listening to me. She has probably put up with more from me than any other person on this Earth except maybe my mom. I love her, trust her, thank God for her in my life. She brings warmth and joy into my life- a peace that comes from knowing each other so well and never having to start over. She is quick to forgive and always ready to smile. Her stability and ability to never let the "little" things (you know - the ones I think are mountains?) get her down or sidetracked - she ALWAYS knows there is a way through or around anything and instead of complaining - just presses on until she finds it. Oh that I could be more like her, too!
There are so very many others through out my life - teachers, Sunday school teachers, room mates, church youth friends, ministers, minister's wives, youth workers, employers, and on and on - that God has placed in my life to teach me, grow me, push me on to what I am supposed to be and get me to that next "point" in my life. I can never explain how blessed I am to not only have these people throughout the years, but so very blessed to realize how blessed I am and how precious they are. I just pray they will at some point fully understand what their lives and their time with me have done for me, my walk with Christ, and my life. I think I tell people, but that doesn't mean they really, really understand.
It makes me think of the Ray Boltz song, "Thank you". If for some reason they didn't understand it while here on Earth - at least I know God is just waiting to show them all they have meant and all the ways they have all touched lives - especially mine.
I pray for my kids daily. For covering and protection - for friends, teachers, and leaders that will be positive, reinforcing, Christ like people that continue to nudge them along the correct path. I see how God has placed people around me that have something in them that I wish I had in me - hopefully I am passing on to others what I have been blessed to receive.
Much love, thanks, and Merry Christmas to all my friends and family.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Almost Two Months
I am writing this without reading my last post first. Hopefully when I do look back I will see actual growth - not stagnation or reversal.
These past two months have been very revealing - I could say things in my personal life have taken giant steps in the wrong direction, but I am a Child of a Living GOD!! I do believe Jeremiah 29:11 - although satan would rather I didn't , and I do hold to Romans 8:28 - and so very many others - despite what my current circumstances may be telling me.
Does that mean I am perfect and handle all situations with grace and aplomb? No. Simply, definitely, no.
I want to.
So, here I am - around 7 months since this particular life journey began for me, and would have said even 6 weeks ago that we were further ahead from the starting point that at any other time since May. But, life changes. People make choices. People get wrapped up in lies to themselves and from the enemy. It is so sad to see and be a part of. I pray that I am never so very blinded by the enemy. I pray for radical repentance and a breaking of wills - even if it has to be mine :D
I know that my will is no good - I am depending on God to show me His Will daily and to give me the strength to actually move forward in it. I know when I do I am always so much more at peace and more loving toward others.
Pray with me.
These past two months have been very revealing - I could say things in my personal life have taken giant steps in the wrong direction, but I am a Child of a Living GOD!! I do believe Jeremiah 29:11 - although satan would rather I didn't , and I do hold to Romans 8:28 - and so very many others - despite what my current circumstances may be telling me.
Does that mean I am perfect and handle all situations with grace and aplomb? No. Simply, definitely, no.
I want to.
So, here I am - around 7 months since this particular life journey began for me, and would have said even 6 weeks ago that we were further ahead from the starting point that at any other time since May. But, life changes. People make choices. People get wrapped up in lies to themselves and from the enemy. It is so sad to see and be a part of. I pray that I am never so very blinded by the enemy. I pray for radical repentance and a breaking of wills - even if it has to be mine :D
I know that my will is no good - I am depending on God to show me His Will daily and to give me the strength to actually move forward in it. I know when I do I am always so much more at peace and more loving toward others.
Pray with me.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Love Lessons.....(or maybe) Lessons on Loving
So, just when I think I am going to 'lose it' on someone, God steps in. He - if I am asking and looking- gives me the words/reminders/songs I need to remind me of what I need to do or how to behave toward that person. Sometimes those words and directions are so very difficult to follow. Especially when I am 'right'. I so often want the other person to know I am right - and will continue on and on until they either admit I am right or just completely shut off. Yeah - not very adult and not smart at all. At least not if you really want to continue in relationship with that person. Seriously - how annoying is it to you to have someone go on and on when you don't agree with them and aren't going to change your mind no matter what they say? For me it is really annoying.
So, this week has been more of me re-learning this principle in my life. Another week of being reminded it is okay to keep my mouth shut - not because I am wrong, but because the situation is just not worth going on about. This goes back to keeping things simple, and choosing my battles - and deciding 'how important is it?' For you, the issue may be important enough to go to bat for - this time for me it isn't.
So, I kept my mouth shut, but where I feel I have failed is in allowing anger to seep in. Stewing over how 'unable to hear' - 'uncaring'- 'arrogant' - etc the other person is. I have used some very not nice words in my head to describe them also, but I will not post them for fear that will loosen my tongue and I will end up actually saying them out loud. This inability to let this anger go is extremely frustrating. I have prayed about it, cried about the hurt, etc. I am just tired. Tired of going forward and getting knocked back in areas I really thought I had learned so much in. Obviously I was wrong - there is more to learn.
Good news is that I am still willing to learn - even when I am not comfortable in the situation. I want my pride to be gone, but at the same time I am really fearful that if I let go of the anger/pride that I have then I will have nothing of my personality left. I am not saying I am an angry person all the time or so full of pride I have trouble fitting through doors. No, I do not see that as me at all - what I do see is that sometimes being right is all I have. Or so it seems. So, my prayer yesterday and today has been that God would continue to teach me my worth in Him- not what I feel I need to be worthy to the world, but to Him and His purpose He has for me. I am also praying that God would cultivate His love inside me. That it would be an automatic response to every affront. That my flesh would no longer lead the way - and when that happens pride and anger will have no home in my life.
I will tell you as I was talking with God last night about this situation once again, He reminded me that Jesus did everything He asks us to do - 'turn the other cheek, forgive 70 x 7, give everything, serve to the point of washing mud, donkey poo, and all other forms of trash off someones feet (that is serious serving), knowing His scripture inside and out, spending time with His father daily, seeking out the hardest to love and loving them'. My reply to this was from deep inside my two year old self, "yeah, God, but Jesus never had to apologize to someone. I am tired of always being the first to apologize." God's reply? "Well, yes, but Jesus didn't do anything that required an apology to others."
Of course. Point taken. So, on I go to keep on learning.
The Way of Love - I Corinthians 13:1-13 (The Message translation)
1 If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. 2If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing.
3-7If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love. Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. Love doesn't strut, Doesn't have a swelled head, Doesn't force itself on others, Isn't always "me first," Doesn't fly off the handle, Doesn't keep score of the sins of others, Doesn't revel when others grovel, Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, Puts up with anything, Trusts God always, Always looks for the best, Never looks back, But keeps going to the end.
8-10 Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incomplete will be canceled.
11When I was an infant at my mother's breast, I gurgled and cooed like any infant. When I grew up, I left those infant ways for good.
12We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!
13 But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.
As I sit here, having completed this entry, a song from my childhood comes to mind. It is a Gaither song, I think - but not really sure. I don't remember the title but it goes, "Love is never stuffed up, never puffed up, never gives up when the going's rough. It's the sweetest little word you can say by the way. It's sympathy, it's sincerity, its charity (the main variety) and everything happiness is made of." How true is this simple child's song? How interesting it is for me that music is so very much a part of how I learn - I remember things easier when set to music - God knew He designed me that way and blessed me with a grandmother that filled me to overflowing with songs to fall back on. I can still see and hear her playing the piano, singing, directing us - those are some of my best childhood memories!
So, this week has been more of me re-learning this principle in my life. Another week of being reminded it is okay to keep my mouth shut - not because I am wrong, but because the situation is just not worth going on about. This goes back to keeping things simple, and choosing my battles - and deciding 'how important is it?' For you, the issue may be important enough to go to bat for - this time for me it isn't.
So, I kept my mouth shut, but where I feel I have failed is in allowing anger to seep in. Stewing over how 'unable to hear' - 'uncaring'- 'arrogant' - etc the other person is. I have used some very not nice words in my head to describe them also, but I will not post them for fear that will loosen my tongue and I will end up actually saying them out loud. This inability to let this anger go is extremely frustrating. I have prayed about it, cried about the hurt, etc. I am just tired. Tired of going forward and getting knocked back in areas I really thought I had learned so much in. Obviously I was wrong - there is more to learn.
Good news is that I am still willing to learn - even when I am not comfortable in the situation. I want my pride to be gone, but at the same time I am really fearful that if I let go of the anger/pride that I have then I will have nothing of my personality left. I am not saying I am an angry person all the time or so full of pride I have trouble fitting through doors. No, I do not see that as me at all - what I do see is that sometimes being right is all I have. Or so it seems. So, my prayer yesterday and today has been that God would continue to teach me my worth in Him- not what I feel I need to be worthy to the world, but to Him and His purpose He has for me. I am also praying that God would cultivate His love inside me. That it would be an automatic response to every affront. That my flesh would no longer lead the way - and when that happens pride and anger will have no home in my life.
I will tell you as I was talking with God last night about this situation once again, He reminded me that Jesus did everything He asks us to do - 'turn the other cheek, forgive 70 x 7, give everything, serve to the point of washing mud, donkey poo, and all other forms of trash off someones feet (that is serious serving), knowing His scripture inside and out, spending time with His father daily, seeking out the hardest to love and loving them'. My reply to this was from deep inside my two year old self, "yeah, God, but Jesus never had to apologize to someone. I am tired of always being the first to apologize." God's reply? "Well, yes, but Jesus didn't do anything that required an apology to others."
Of course. Point taken. So, on I go to keep on learning.
The Way of Love - I Corinthians 13:1-13 (The Message translation)
1 If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. 2If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing.
3-7If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love. Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. Love doesn't strut, Doesn't have a swelled head, Doesn't force itself on others, Isn't always "me first," Doesn't fly off the handle, Doesn't keep score of the sins of others, Doesn't revel when others grovel, Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, Puts up with anything, Trusts God always, Always looks for the best, Never looks back, But keeps going to the end.
8-10 Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incomplete will be canceled.
11When I was an infant at my mother's breast, I gurgled and cooed like any infant. When I grew up, I left those infant ways for good.
12We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!
13 But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.
As I sit here, having completed this entry, a song from my childhood comes to mind. It is a Gaither song, I think - but not really sure. I don't remember the title but it goes, "Love is never stuffed up, never puffed up, never gives up when the going's rough. It's the sweetest little word you can say by the way. It's sympathy, it's sincerity, its charity (the main variety) and everything happiness is made of." How true is this simple child's song? How interesting it is for me that music is so very much a part of how I learn - I remember things easier when set to music - God knew He designed me that way and blessed me with a grandmother that filled me to overflowing with songs to fall back on. I can still see and hear her playing the piano, singing, directing us - those are some of my best childhood memories!
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
A Whole New World.......has been waiting all this time
My six year old, Little Man Tate, is now in the first grade and has lost five teeth (his sixth is very near ready to leave him, too!). He still has all the health issues he has had since beginning problems came up at age four months, but wow! how blessed he is, and we are, to be this far.
I went to his school yesterday to check him out for yet another follow up. Thankfully we were headed to the GI doctor that he loves so much. The waiting room is literally filled with baseball memorabilia - stuff from a stadium that was torn down - the ticket booth of that stadium is the doctor's check in window, the wood stadium seats are bolted to the floor for you to sit on, the player's locker box is there to check out also - then down the hall are all the baseball cards and framed shirts, etc - the ceiling in the waiting room is painted like a baseball diamond, and outside the building are a giant baseball and bat. To say that my son loves it is an understatement - and so does his mom I must say - it never fails to fascinate me about someone loving something so much that they are willing to pay who knows what to have parts of it in their life (and it all comes back to the life and death of Christ and God's love for us, doesn't it? That is exactly what he did for us - paid ANY price to have us with Him! again - I am still amazed).
I digress (as usual) - back to Tate. He has recently really started reading well. It had been something that he has done only because he had to and then the other day we are driving down the road and he starts talking out loud - sounding things out- and I realize he is voluntarily reading!! I LOVE IT!! Being an avid reader myself I want my children to love it, too. I have one daughter (my oldest) that can't get enough to read - and the second daughter that will do it if pressed, but would much rather be tumbling or twirling. Now, Tate is readily reading!! YEA!
He has discovered another dimension to his life - that there is so much available to him just through being able to read. Now that he has knowledge and ability we are holding him accountable to read. Read more, faster, better, and comprehend. This is what the school requires. He really is good at it - will try until he gets it.
This, again, is where I am still learning from my children. Tate was rocking along in life, loving Wii games but always needing help with the instructions, loving to help make things, but always asking how (when anyone else could have read the directions), and I could go on and on. I never really thought "I can't wait til he can read!" or anything. I just took it as a part of life that he would need help. Now, he can do it. Independence has been taken a step further. With this new knowledge not only does he have a whole new world opened up to him, but I have less 'control' and ability to protect. I wonder if this is how God felt in the Garden with Adam and Eve? They were basically like Tate - bright eyed, loving, always needing help - but then one day they ate the fruit from the tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. Kind of like learning to read (well, loosely like that). Now God is faced with their new awareness - know the pains and hurts it could bring them, but also realize that the choice has been made. Now we deal with it.
I know I am probably going on too much about this, but I just wonder. Wonder if Tate will always use his new knowledge in good ways - or if a choice he makes in the future will twist it? Will his innocent development turn into something evil? It could, but the choice is already made. We even HELPED him with this - knowing that this step was necessary to make living in this world easier, but not really fully realizing what was being lost in the process. Innocence. Need of help. Ignorance (in the best sense of the word).
So, my prayers follow, and precede, my children daily -protection spiritually, mentally, and physically from any attacks satan may have waiting on them - that their "roots" would continue to grow in Christ and be strong and able to hold firm. That no matter what, they know they always have someone they can turn to. That they are a light to this dark world - shining the love of Jesus as they walk and talk. That they are always teachable.
While I am just having this realization with Tate, I am also thinking of my other two and what "firsts" they are just getting to even though they are older than him - how we navigate these firsts can determine their futures - wanting to make sure we are teaching them correctly no matter what the world is saying around us. That the knowledge they unlock at each level of development is well received and well handled.
MAN!! Parenting is a scary and wonderful job all rolled into one!
Thankfully what I miss, or my husband misses, in teaching them, God will use the right 'someone' to fill in like He did in our lives.
So, on to more of this "new world" with all three kids. I am so very blessed to have the opportunity to navigate all of this with them - unfortunately I don't think I appreciate that opportunity nearly enough on a daily basis.
The following is just some of what Tate talked about on our trip to and from the doctor that day:
(I tried to write them all down because he made me smile- and laugh inside- so much!)
at the school..."I already feel like a 7 year old. I feel BIG like an already 7 year old. Don't worry, I know I am six, but I feel seven."
in the car leaving the school..."is this the stomach doctor I am going to?" (yes, tate, Dr. Mestre)
"is he the one that got me out of your stomach?" (no, that was a different doctor) "Oh. Did you know I was coming or were you surprised?" (well, we knew you would be coming - just not exactly when) "so, were you surprised when I came out? Did you know you were pregnant?" (well, yes, I knew I was pregnant - and no, not too surprised when you came out - just thankful) "so, how do the doctors know when it is time? for me to come out? Did you hold your stomach and go to the hospital for the doctor to get me out?" (The doctors can tell just about when babies are ready by the date and measuring the mom - no- I didn't have to hold my stomach with you because they planned when you would be born. Tate, where is all this coming from?) "I saw on TLC the show I didn't know I was pregnant and this lady held her stomach because it weighed so much and hurt so bad and she went to the hospital and they helped her get her baby out." - and then we transitioned straight into Meerkats!
"Mom, do you remember Flower? She was the meerkat mom on Meerkat Manor. She died."
(oh, really - how did that happen?) "Well, she came up on a rattlesnake (it was really a cobra) and tried to get another meerkat to help her that had already survived a rattlesnake. But that meerkat wouldn't help her and Flower (pronounced by him as 'Flowa') died. Her babies were prob'ly killed, too." (wow, that is awful, tate) "yeah. Can I have Arby's 'tata' cakes?"
and on we went...."have you ever heard of The Halls of the Mountain King? It was done by 'Mohtzat's' composer. He even wrote the song for the Little Einsteins! I think that was the song - it is a great song!"
and when I tried to assist him in doctor's office bathroom - doing so by going through my "mom's list" of things to do and not to do (don't touch, do wipe good, make sure your underwear is further down so it doesn't get messed up, wash your hands, don't touch the door handle without a paper towel, do flush - can you button your pants back by yourself?) - to which he looked at me with a very exasperated expression (I wonder why now that I have written it all out ;o) "Mom, I think I am old enough to stay in the bathroom by myself. I do this at school, too, you know!"
(you are right, tate - sometimes I forget you can do it) "That's okay, Mom. You can go, though."
and my favorite of the three hours together (well, besides the baby thing)
"Mom, is it good to go through things when you are young because you will go through them in the future?"
Hmmmm, had to think carefully on this one - to me - yes, it is good to experience things young so when you get older you are better prepared, but, too, do you really want your child to experience anything negative? So, I thought about it and then replied - with all my motherly wisdom:
(uhhhh, give me an example of what you mean, tate). "well, you know how last year H was my girlfriend. well, then she started liking someone else at the same time - she cheated on me. does that mean it will always happen again?"
- okay - six?! and we are "cheating"? good grief!
(No, tate - that is not what that means -you are too young to be only liking one person and so is she - this is the time to get to know lots of people and then you will decide what you like in a person and what you don't - then when you get older you will hopefully commit to one person and they will commit only to you - but, if they are older and do cheat then the likelihood that the same person would cheat again is pretty high, but it does not mean a different person would cheat on you.) "Oh, okay, *pause inserted for his reflection* - so it IS okay to like more than one person at my age?" (Yes.)
And that was it on that subject - there is so much more where Tate is concerned - like getting his baseball jersey and it having the number 2 on it - he immediately thought that made him always get to bat second - or when he hits - goes to first and then is hit in by another batter - he feels he got a 'home run'. I love that spirit!! I love how he makes me smile just by talking about nothing.
Is it just this age?
I think for me it is a combination of lots of things - 1st : he is still very demonstrative and loving. 2nd: I don't seem to tick him off as easily as I do my 'tween' girls. 3rd: he is still discovering so much and I LOVE that (because he thinks I still know so much! ;o) } 4th: I spent so much time with him as an infant when he was so very, very ill so I appreciate the 'little' things more. 5th: yes, that is it - the knowledge that every day is a gift and I really should slow down and appreciate it so much more - and that he is my last. Having had two others literally back to back I wasn't able to appreciate the small moments nearly enough - with him I know better than to not enjoy them. It is all so fleeting!
I went to his school yesterday to check him out for yet another follow up. Thankfully we were headed to the GI doctor that he loves so much. The waiting room is literally filled with baseball memorabilia - stuff from a stadium that was torn down - the ticket booth of that stadium is the doctor's check in window, the wood stadium seats are bolted to the floor for you to sit on, the player's locker box is there to check out also - then down the hall are all the baseball cards and framed shirts, etc - the ceiling in the waiting room is painted like a baseball diamond, and outside the building are a giant baseball and bat. To say that my son loves it is an understatement - and so does his mom I must say - it never fails to fascinate me about someone loving something so much that they are willing to pay who knows what to have parts of it in their life (and it all comes back to the life and death of Christ and God's love for us, doesn't it? That is exactly what he did for us - paid ANY price to have us with Him! again - I am still amazed).
I digress (as usual) - back to Tate. He has recently really started reading well. It had been something that he has done only because he had to and then the other day we are driving down the road and he starts talking out loud - sounding things out- and I realize he is voluntarily reading!! I LOVE IT!! Being an avid reader myself I want my children to love it, too. I have one daughter (my oldest) that can't get enough to read - and the second daughter that will do it if pressed, but would much rather be tumbling or twirling. Now, Tate is readily reading!! YEA!
He has discovered another dimension to his life - that there is so much available to him just through being able to read. Now that he has knowledge and ability we are holding him accountable to read. Read more, faster, better, and comprehend. This is what the school requires. He really is good at it - will try until he gets it.
This, again, is where I am still learning from my children. Tate was rocking along in life, loving Wii games but always needing help with the instructions, loving to help make things, but always asking how (when anyone else could have read the directions), and I could go on and on. I never really thought "I can't wait til he can read!" or anything. I just took it as a part of life that he would need help. Now, he can do it. Independence has been taken a step further. With this new knowledge not only does he have a whole new world opened up to him, but I have less 'control' and ability to protect. I wonder if this is how God felt in the Garden with Adam and Eve? They were basically like Tate - bright eyed, loving, always needing help - but then one day they ate the fruit from the tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. Kind of like learning to read (well, loosely like that). Now God is faced with their new awareness - know the pains and hurts it could bring them, but also realize that the choice has been made. Now we deal with it.
I know I am probably going on too much about this, but I just wonder. Wonder if Tate will always use his new knowledge in good ways - or if a choice he makes in the future will twist it? Will his innocent development turn into something evil? It could, but the choice is already made. We even HELPED him with this - knowing that this step was necessary to make living in this world easier, but not really fully realizing what was being lost in the process. Innocence. Need of help. Ignorance (in the best sense of the word).
So, my prayers follow, and precede, my children daily -protection spiritually, mentally, and physically from any attacks satan may have waiting on them - that their "roots" would continue to grow in Christ and be strong and able to hold firm. That no matter what, they know they always have someone they can turn to. That they are a light to this dark world - shining the love of Jesus as they walk and talk. That they are always teachable.
While I am just having this realization with Tate, I am also thinking of my other two and what "firsts" they are just getting to even though they are older than him - how we navigate these firsts can determine their futures - wanting to make sure we are teaching them correctly no matter what the world is saying around us. That the knowledge they unlock at each level of development is well received and well handled.
MAN!! Parenting is a scary and wonderful job all rolled into one!
Thankfully what I miss, or my husband misses, in teaching them, God will use the right 'someone' to fill in like He did in our lives.
So, on to more of this "new world" with all three kids. I am so very blessed to have the opportunity to navigate all of this with them - unfortunately I don't think I appreciate that opportunity nearly enough on a daily basis.
The following is just some of what Tate talked about on our trip to and from the doctor that day:
(I tried to write them all down because he made me smile- and laugh inside- so much!)
at the school..."I already feel like a 7 year old. I feel BIG like an already 7 year old. Don't worry, I know I am six, but I feel seven."
in the car leaving the school..."is this the stomach doctor I am going to?" (yes, tate, Dr. Mestre)
"is he the one that got me out of your stomach?" (no, that was a different doctor) "Oh. Did you know I was coming or were you surprised?" (well, we knew you would be coming - just not exactly when) "so, were you surprised when I came out? Did you know you were pregnant?" (well, yes, I knew I was pregnant - and no, not too surprised when you came out - just thankful) "so, how do the doctors know when it is time? for me to come out? Did you hold your stomach and go to the hospital for the doctor to get me out?" (The doctors can tell just about when babies are ready by the date and measuring the mom - no- I didn't have to hold my stomach with you because they planned when you would be born. Tate, where is all this coming from?) "I saw on TLC the show I didn't know I was pregnant and this lady held her stomach because it weighed so much and hurt so bad and she went to the hospital and they helped her get her baby out." - and then we transitioned straight into Meerkats!
"Mom, do you remember Flower? She was the meerkat mom on Meerkat Manor. She died."
(oh, really - how did that happen?) "Well, she came up on a rattlesnake (it was really a cobra) and tried to get another meerkat to help her that had already survived a rattlesnake. But that meerkat wouldn't help her and Flower (pronounced by him as 'Flowa') died. Her babies were prob'ly killed, too." (wow, that is awful, tate) "yeah. Can I have Arby's 'tata' cakes?"
and on we went...."have you ever heard of The Halls of the Mountain King? It was done by 'Mohtzat's' composer. He even wrote the song for the Little Einsteins! I think that was the song - it is a great song!"
and when I tried to assist him in doctor's office bathroom - doing so by going through my "mom's list" of things to do and not to do (don't touch, do wipe good, make sure your underwear is further down so it doesn't get messed up, wash your hands, don't touch the door handle without a paper towel, do flush - can you button your pants back by yourself?) - to which he looked at me with a very exasperated expression (I wonder why now that I have written it all out ;o) "Mom, I think I am old enough to stay in the bathroom by myself. I do this at school, too, you know!"
(you are right, tate - sometimes I forget you can do it) "That's okay, Mom. You can go, though."
and my favorite of the three hours together (well, besides the baby thing)
"Mom, is it good to go through things when you are young because you will go through them in the future?"
Hmmmm, had to think carefully on this one - to me - yes, it is good to experience things young so when you get older you are better prepared, but, too, do you really want your child to experience anything negative? So, I thought about it and then replied - with all my motherly wisdom:
(uhhhh, give me an example of what you mean, tate). "well, you know how last year H was my girlfriend. well, then she started liking someone else at the same time - she cheated on me. does that mean it will always happen again?"
- okay - six?! and we are "cheating"? good grief!
(No, tate - that is not what that means -you are too young to be only liking one person and so is she - this is the time to get to know lots of people and then you will decide what you like in a person and what you don't - then when you get older you will hopefully commit to one person and they will commit only to you - but, if they are older and do cheat then the likelihood that the same person would cheat again is pretty high, but it does not mean a different person would cheat on you.) "Oh, okay, *pause inserted for his reflection* - so it IS okay to like more than one person at my age?" (Yes.)
And that was it on that subject - there is so much more where Tate is concerned - like getting his baseball jersey and it having the number 2 on it - he immediately thought that made him always get to bat second - or when he hits - goes to first and then is hit in by another batter - he feels he got a 'home run'. I love that spirit!! I love how he makes me smile just by talking about nothing.
Is it just this age?
I think for me it is a combination of lots of things - 1st : he is still very demonstrative and loving. 2nd: I don't seem to tick him off as easily as I do my 'tween' girls. 3rd: he is still discovering so much and I LOVE that (because he thinks I still know so much! ;o) } 4th: I spent so much time with him as an infant when he was so very, very ill so I appreciate the 'little' things more. 5th: yes, that is it - the knowledge that every day is a gift and I really should slow down and appreciate it so much more - and that he is my last. Having had two others literally back to back I wasn't able to appreciate the small moments nearly enough - with him I know better than to not enjoy them. It is all so fleeting!
The sun is out!
Where I live we have had rain for literally 6 solid weeks. A total of what I think I heard to be about 22" this last month and a half. Yes, there have been breaks in that rain - like for 3-10 hours, but no sun to speak of. This last week it seemed like everyone around me was complaining about the rain - "will it ever stop?", "will we ever see sun again?", "let me move to California", "look what this rain has done", etc. Did I stay inside my 'perfect' self and not complain? ......uhhhhhhhh - no. I, too, found myself bemoaning all I had to do in the rain, and all the problems the rain was causing in my life. Ballgames, chauffeur to practices, grocery shopping, work - yard flooding, wet/nasty/muddy dog, streets flooding and having to take other routes to work, etc. (oh woe is me!) Then, as I said, there was about a day's break in the rain - no real sun, but enough of a break where I started planning things for the days to come (because I so very much wanted this break from the rain to be real and lasting - you know? Exhausted from the stormy weather - eagerly anticipating its passing and willing to grab hold of anything resembling a break - even though the sun isn't really out so no real change in weather can be counted on - but I am so desperate, I choose to ignore this small detail) specifically to take time off and help my husband finally be able to start the metal roofing process. Taking down and replacing fascia board around the eaves, painting said wood, painting gutters, rehanging gutters, and putting on the roof - to include cutting a ridge vent in the top and taking out the old attic vents. Lots to do - materials purchased (well except the paint and some of the wood) - seemingly ready to go.
So, I took the days off - Thursday and Friday of my kids' fall break so we could all work together. I don't get paid for time off in my current job, so to me this was a big deal. Anyway, as the day approached the forecast got worse and worse - to the point that in my prayer time I even moaned out loud about it to God.
Immediate conviction. I appreciated it, too. I hate it when I walk around not knowing I am doing wrong - I liked the immediacy of this one. So, with that conviction came new sight. I heard all the people around me complaining and recognized what I must be sounding like. I turned back to God and asked His forgiveness, and to show me what He would have me do and learn from this. He did (told you He was/is faithful!). So, my heart changed toward the rain - I began to reflect over the past six weeks and all that has gone on - but also what healing has come from being forced into more "togetherness" as a family because of the limiting power of the rain. Had it not been for this period of rain, and rain, and rain in my town my husband probably would have begun work on the house projects alone (and may still, but keep reading). With him working on the outside of the house I would have been dictating what was happening inside (yes, dictating) and taking the kids all to practices, games, parties, etc. We would not have had to be together because divide and conquer has 'worked' so efficiently in the past. (Riiiiiiiight)
God taught me differently. The rain forced togetherness at a time when we would probably have rather been apart - even while together (trust me, this is, unfortunately, possible to do). But, instead, we went to games together (even when irritated with one another), played Wii as a family (this is so much fun!), and watched family movies, cooked (yes, I cooked - don't faint at that - and they actually ate it all and like it), went to church, slept in, had kids' friends over, watched football, visited with family, etc. We (my husband and I) were also forced to finally talk and talking brought on the beginning of healing - still in this process, but, wow!, so much better - and all because of the rain. I like rain. I appreciate what it has allowed for my family, and for its refreshing properties.
So, I am allowed this insight for my life and then literally - two days later the sun out, again. So much so that I had to open the window all the way to look at the sky and try and determine if it would be an 'all day' kind of sun, or just a 'tease'. Nope, definitely an 'all day' kind of sun that day - and now we are almost four days later and it is still here. A break. Which brings me full circle. After a complete day of the sun shining I stopped looking at the sky trying to determine when the clouds would return. (How often have I done that lately in my personal life? Had a 'break' in the clouds - assumed it was really the sun - jumped in with both feet planning, living, etc -only to have the clouds and rain return? How much have I not appreciated that?) That night I realized that I hadn't heard people around me even talking about rain anymore (I mean, really, who wants to relive what had been so 'bad'?). You would probably have to have been around this area the last week to really understand how LOUD that silence really was (But, the lack of talking about the bad can actually keep others from learning from what you learned during that time - just talking about it won't make the 'rain' come back). It made me think about me and my own spiritual life (yes, again). How that is exactly how I am too much of the time. Thankful for the rain at first -it is a change in weather after all (shakes things up - uproots at times, washes away dirt, grime, 'illusions') - then I feel I have had enough (I mean, we all reach our limits, right?)- then I start complaining. First to myself, then out loud - then others join in and we have a real pity party chorus going on (oh, woe is me!! my problems are so bad - so much worse here than there)- until that ONE VOICE in the rain speaks against all the others - reminding me that rain really isn't so bad - reminding me of all it gives to the environment, people, etc. (in other words reminding me of promises made to me, asking me to trust the 'son' even when the 'clouds' are looming near - not to discount the 'son' all together). Not really the words we (the chorusing crowd) want to hear necessarily, but once the words are out we are forced to reassess - that can be uncomfortable - but some do and some don't - then we slowly divide - Those of us that don't at all agree with that ONE VOICE just go on about our business - complaining or whatever. The others of us that recognize some truth in ONE VOICE stop and look around. We want to complain still, because that has become comfortable, but are not really sure if anyone else will join in - we are almost more afraid they will because we know we really don't want them to since that Voice was right after all. So, we sit quietly -hopefully reflecting - some even dare to join the Voice, but mainly we just sit uncomfortably looking inside us and thinking- and yes, that can bring about good eventually, but we have to do something with the truth we have learned for that 'good' to be seen and appreciated. This takes faith. Faith that the sun really is still there - despite what the current circumstances look like right now. Faith that no matter how muddy things are, or how deep the water is - the 'son' is there and willing to help us with those issues.
Then..................the sun does come out! So, we LEAP back into life and all its running around - trying to take advantage of this break in the rain/storms of late - and some of us even move on to 'sun worship'-while this can be a good thing we tend to forget about the rain, our discomfort, what we learned from the Voice, and all of it because we are comfortable again!! WooHoooo!! (we just really don't want anymore rain for a loooooong time - tired of discomfort - almost fearful of it returning too soon)
I see, now, that I don't want to just be comfortable -I don't like constant rain, mind you, but, I don't want to forget what it that time of rain and storms felt like, either. I won't even go as far as saying I want to live in the rain, but I am far enough along that I can say I so appreciate and benefit from what it brings when it comes - so I don't want to forget the rain, or fear its return in my future - because I know I always have the "Son" no matter what the forecast (satan) is currently saying about how bad it is or how bad it is yet to be.
The sun is out, though, and begs to be appreciated and utilized and trusted. The rain has done its part (for now), but it just might be really okay to enjoy the sun for a bit.
I pray I do not become complacent in my "Son" worship- that I do appreciate the growth that comes withe sun following the rain - while not forgetting the lessons learned and strength gained from the storms. That I relive, and tell others of the miracles, and growth, and awesome rescues that occurred during those "storms of '09" only by the hand, grace, mercy, and love of my Savior, the Son, Jesus Christ!
Lord, let the 'Son' shine through me!!
"For if you (Reeda) remain silent at this time (whether clear or storming), relief and deliverance for the Jews (those around you- family, friends, coworkers, patients) will arise from another place (God is giving you the opportunity to be used, but you do have free will. If you choose not to speak up then God will use someone else- but His Will will be fulfilled), but you and your father's family will perish (literally and figuratively - do you really want to miss out on God's awesome blessing for your life just by being obedient to Him? or for the lives of your children - the blessings that could be for them if you obey - heed God's direction - continue to sink your roots in!). And who knows but that you have come to royal position (royal 'pain'? 'suffering royally'? we have all said something like this before, but what if we are really supposed to be 'royally thankful' no matter our situation or 'lowly/feeling like we are drowning in the storm' position?) for such a time as this (right NOW!, right where YOU ARE!, rain or shine!)?"Esther 4:13-15
So, I took the days off - Thursday and Friday of my kids' fall break so we could all work together. I don't get paid for time off in my current job, so to me this was a big deal. Anyway, as the day approached the forecast got worse and worse - to the point that in my prayer time I even moaned out loud about it to God.
Immediate conviction. I appreciated it, too. I hate it when I walk around not knowing I am doing wrong - I liked the immediacy of this one. So, with that conviction came new sight. I heard all the people around me complaining and recognized what I must be sounding like. I turned back to God and asked His forgiveness, and to show me what He would have me do and learn from this. He did (told you He was/is faithful!). So, my heart changed toward the rain - I began to reflect over the past six weeks and all that has gone on - but also what healing has come from being forced into more "togetherness" as a family because of the limiting power of the rain. Had it not been for this period of rain, and rain, and rain in my town my husband probably would have begun work on the house projects alone (and may still, but keep reading). With him working on the outside of the house I would have been dictating what was happening inside (yes, dictating) and taking the kids all to practices, games, parties, etc. We would not have had to be together because divide and conquer has 'worked' so efficiently in the past. (Riiiiiiiight)
God taught me differently. The rain forced togetherness at a time when we would probably have rather been apart - even while together (trust me, this is, unfortunately, possible to do). But, instead, we went to games together (even when irritated with one another), played Wii as a family (this is so much fun!), and watched family movies, cooked (yes, I cooked - don't faint at that - and they actually ate it all and like it), went to church, slept in, had kids' friends over, watched football, visited with family, etc. We (my husband and I) were also forced to finally talk and talking brought on the beginning of healing - still in this process, but, wow!, so much better - and all because of the rain. I like rain. I appreciate what it has allowed for my family, and for its refreshing properties.
So, I am allowed this insight for my life and then literally - two days later the sun out, again. So much so that I had to open the window all the way to look at the sky and try and determine if it would be an 'all day' kind of sun, or just a 'tease'. Nope, definitely an 'all day' kind of sun that day - and now we are almost four days later and it is still here. A break. Which brings me full circle. After a complete day of the sun shining I stopped looking at the sky trying to determine when the clouds would return. (How often have I done that lately in my personal life? Had a 'break' in the clouds - assumed it was really the sun - jumped in with both feet planning, living, etc -only to have the clouds and rain return? How much have I not appreciated that?) That night I realized that I hadn't heard people around me even talking about rain anymore (I mean, really, who wants to relive what had been so 'bad'?). You would probably have to have been around this area the last week to really understand how LOUD that silence really was (But, the lack of talking about the bad can actually keep others from learning from what you learned during that time - just talking about it won't make the 'rain' come back). It made me think about me and my own spiritual life (yes, again). How that is exactly how I am too much of the time. Thankful for the rain at first -it is a change in weather after all (shakes things up - uproots at times, washes away dirt, grime, 'illusions') - then I feel I have had enough (I mean, we all reach our limits, right?)- then I start complaining. First to myself, then out loud - then others join in and we have a real pity party chorus going on (oh, woe is me!! my problems are so bad - so much worse here than there)- until that ONE VOICE in the rain speaks against all the others - reminding me that rain really isn't so bad - reminding me of all it gives to the environment, people, etc. (in other words reminding me of promises made to me, asking me to trust the 'son' even when the 'clouds' are looming near - not to discount the 'son' all together). Not really the words we (the chorusing crowd) want to hear necessarily, but once the words are out we are forced to reassess - that can be uncomfortable - but some do and some don't - then we slowly divide - Those of us that don't at all agree with that ONE VOICE just go on about our business - complaining or whatever. The others of us that recognize some truth in ONE VOICE stop and look around. We want to complain still, because that has become comfortable, but are not really sure if anyone else will join in - we are almost more afraid they will because we know we really don't want them to since that Voice was right after all. So, we sit quietly -hopefully reflecting - some even dare to join the Voice, but mainly we just sit uncomfortably looking inside us and thinking- and yes, that can bring about good eventually, but we have to do something with the truth we have learned for that 'good' to be seen and appreciated. This takes faith. Faith that the sun really is still there - despite what the current circumstances look like right now. Faith that no matter how muddy things are, or how deep the water is - the 'son' is there and willing to help us with those issues.
Then..................the sun does come out! So, we LEAP back into life and all its running around - trying to take advantage of this break in the rain/storms of late - and some of us even move on to 'sun worship'-while this can be a good thing we tend to forget about the rain, our discomfort, what we learned from the Voice, and all of it because we are comfortable again!! WooHoooo!! (we just really don't want anymore rain for a loooooong time - tired of discomfort - almost fearful of it returning too soon)
I see, now, that I don't want to just be comfortable -I don't like constant rain, mind you, but, I don't want to forget what it that time of rain and storms felt like, either. I won't even go as far as saying I want to live in the rain, but I am far enough along that I can say I so appreciate and benefit from what it brings when it comes - so I don't want to forget the rain, or fear its return in my future - because I know I always have the "Son" no matter what the forecast (satan) is currently saying about how bad it is or how bad it is yet to be.
The sun is out, though, and begs to be appreciated and utilized and trusted. The rain has done its part (for now), but it just might be really okay to enjoy the sun for a bit.
I pray I do not become complacent in my "Son" worship- that I do appreciate the growth that comes withe sun following the rain - while not forgetting the lessons learned and strength gained from the storms. That I relive, and tell others of the miracles, and growth, and awesome rescues that occurred during those "storms of '09" only by the hand, grace, mercy, and love of my Savior, the Son, Jesus Christ!
Lord, let the 'Son' shine through me!!
"For if you (Reeda) remain silent at this time (whether clear or storming), relief and deliverance for the Jews (those around you- family, friends, coworkers, patients) will arise from another place (God is giving you the opportunity to be used, but you do have free will. If you choose not to speak up then God will use someone else- but His Will will be fulfilled), but you and your father's family will perish (literally and figuratively - do you really want to miss out on God's awesome blessing for your life just by being obedient to Him? or for the lives of your children - the blessings that could be for them if you obey - heed God's direction - continue to sink your roots in!). And who knows but that you have come to royal position (royal 'pain'? 'suffering royally'? we have all said something like this before, but what if we are really supposed to be 'royally thankful' no matter our situation or 'lowly/feeling like we are drowning in the storm' position?) for such a time as this (right NOW!, right where YOU ARE!, rain or shine!)?"Esther 4:13-15
Monday, October 12, 2009
Thankful Living
"No matter what happens, always be thankful, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:18
Read that again. I read it and hear it like this, "no matter what, Reeda, be thankful in what you are going through. This is MY will for you! This is The Plan. You don't need to look for my will, you are walking in it." Wow! Maybe my hearing is not right, but still - wow. How much do I search and pray and think, "if only there was a billboard and on it I would love it if God would post directions, along with a detailed agenda. Wouldn't that be fantastic?
But, I guess that does away with the whole "choice/free will" thing He wants us to make and use. So, each day I am learning something new about God's love, patience, gentleness, grace, and mercy. I sometimes fall back into my whole "man on a throne" image I have held for so long. You know - the man just waiting for you to mess up so he can 'zap' you. From everything I am reading in the New Testament, my image does not depict God at all. I am so extremely grateful for that!
Let's catch up. My children are now 11 (almost 12), 10, and 6. I have two girls and a boy. This summer they were with their sister and her husband out of state. That was such a blessing - especially in light of everything that went on here this summer - and the kids had such a great time and even made new friends.
The kids are not unaware of their parents' issues - and what I am learning from them is so surprising and amazing. I am learning about trust, resiliency, and pure love. Watching them absorb and deal with the truth of our lives currently has been nothing short of a miracle straight from Jesus. They have asked questions, prayed, written, talked about, and cried at times - but have also readily embraced, forgiven, let the questions go, and have not been demanding or neurotic when issues have arisen again. Wow. That, my friends, is God at work. I am so thankful that I am blessed to see it.
What my kids are teaching me is how to actually let things go. How to completely trust God that He has all of this - and the future- covered. Most of all they are teaching me how to "stay in today". I am so, so thankful God blessed me with these kids.
My husband appears to be doing great. Spending lots of family time - initiated praying together again, not over focusing on what he can't control to the point of frustration, and also reaching out to others (even though I still have to keep a reign on my own expectations for him in this area - and recognize them for what they are my expectations). I know we both have far to go in this recovery process, but that is what it is - a process. Not a definite beginning - most likely never a complete ending except in death. So, I adopt the slogans and learn from the living examples that are my children - "Just for Today," and "keep it simple".
I love my family - even with all of our screw ups, hurts, imperfections, and warts. I love Jesus and am so thankful for what He is doing in my life to grow me and prepare me. I am so thankful for friends and family that help so often - in so many, many ways.
I am also thankful, that despite everything I consider a trouble or hurt in my marriage, that Jesus placed my husband in my life. Not only that, but that my husband loves Jesus and his family and is learning how to let go and live for today.
With Jesus' help and direction (even without that billboard) I press on - enjoying the sunshine in my life as well as the rain and storms.
Thank you, Jesus. I am content, expectantly waiting, and thankful.
Much love.
Read that again. I read it and hear it like this, "no matter what, Reeda, be thankful in what you are going through. This is MY will for you! This is The Plan. You don't need to look for my will, you are walking in it." Wow! Maybe my hearing is not right, but still - wow. How much do I search and pray and think, "if only there was a billboard and on it I would love it if God would post directions, along with a detailed agenda. Wouldn't that be fantastic?
But, I guess that does away with the whole "choice/free will" thing He wants us to make and use. So, each day I am learning something new about God's love, patience, gentleness, grace, and mercy. I sometimes fall back into my whole "man on a throne" image I have held for so long. You know - the man just waiting for you to mess up so he can 'zap' you. From everything I am reading in the New Testament, my image does not depict God at all. I am so extremely grateful for that!
Let's catch up. My children are now 11 (almost 12), 10, and 6. I have two girls and a boy. This summer they were with their sister and her husband out of state. That was such a blessing - especially in light of everything that went on here this summer - and the kids had such a great time and even made new friends.
The kids are not unaware of their parents' issues - and what I am learning from them is so surprising and amazing. I am learning about trust, resiliency, and pure love. Watching them absorb and deal with the truth of our lives currently has been nothing short of a miracle straight from Jesus. They have asked questions, prayed, written, talked about, and cried at times - but have also readily embraced, forgiven, let the questions go, and have not been demanding or neurotic when issues have arisen again. Wow. That, my friends, is God at work. I am so thankful that I am blessed to see it.
What my kids are teaching me is how to actually let things go. How to completely trust God that He has all of this - and the future- covered. Most of all they are teaching me how to "stay in today". I am so, so thankful God blessed me with these kids.
My husband appears to be doing great. Spending lots of family time - initiated praying together again, not over focusing on what he can't control to the point of frustration, and also reaching out to others (even though I still have to keep a reign on my own expectations for him in this area - and recognize them for what they are my expectations). I know we both have far to go in this recovery process, but that is what it is - a process. Not a definite beginning - most likely never a complete ending except in death. So, I adopt the slogans and learn from the living examples that are my children - "Just for Today," and "keep it simple".
I love my family - even with all of our screw ups, hurts, imperfections, and warts. I love Jesus and am so thankful for what He is doing in my life to grow me and prepare me. I am so thankful for friends and family that help so often - in so many, many ways.
I am also thankful, that despite everything I consider a trouble or hurt in my marriage, that Jesus placed my husband in my life. Not only that, but that my husband loves Jesus and his family and is learning how to let go and live for today.
With Jesus' help and direction (even without that billboard) I press on - enjoying the sunshine in my life as well as the rain and storms.
Thank you, Jesus. I am content, expectantly waiting, and thankful.
Much love.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Overflowing
"Let your roots grow down into him and draw up nourishment from him, so you will grow in faith, strong and vigorous in the truth you were taught. Let your lives overflow with thanksgiving for all he has done." Colossians 1:7
That is exactly it - Overflowing. I am filled to overflowing - growing ever so much more closely to Christ through my personal trials and battles with flesh. I am so extremely thankful to Christ - for his friendship, his faithfulness, his comfort, his presence. I truly had a wonderful weekend with my family. We all spent time together watching a movie and going to ball games and just hanging out together. My husband and I spent valuable time together, also. Doing much needed talking and reconnecting. Such a great weekend.
But, it is now Tuesday, and despite how I was even "feeling" yesterday, today I am not so overflowing. Fear has stopped the flow. I have moments of the cork letting go some, but then it goes back into the spot and stops it all up again. Prayer, time with God, and music are all helping - but thinking, remembering, and certain tastes and smells - bring the fear raging back and it stops the flow again. I HATE IT!
So, what I am going to continue to do is bury my "roots" into Him and wait for His nourishment to fill and sustain me - to the point there is no longer room for fear in my life! Not because things around me are going my way or there are no troubles in my immediate life - but because He is in me - His nourishment is stabilizing me - and soon I have enough to share with others - because I am overflowing!
That is exactly it - Overflowing. I am filled to overflowing - growing ever so much more closely to Christ through my personal trials and battles with flesh. I am so extremely thankful to Christ - for his friendship, his faithfulness, his comfort, his presence. I truly had a wonderful weekend with my family. We all spent time together watching a movie and going to ball games and just hanging out together. My husband and I spent valuable time together, also. Doing much needed talking and reconnecting. Such a great weekend.
But, it is now Tuesday, and despite how I was even "feeling" yesterday, today I am not so overflowing. Fear has stopped the flow. I have moments of the cork letting go some, but then it goes back into the spot and stops it all up again. Prayer, time with God, and music are all helping - but thinking, remembering, and certain tastes and smells - bring the fear raging back and it stops the flow again. I HATE IT!
So, what I am going to continue to do is bury my "roots" into Him and wait for His nourishment to fill and sustain me - to the point there is no longer room for fear in my life! Not because things around me are going my way or there are no troubles in my immediate life - but because He is in me - His nourishment is stabilizing me - and soon I have enough to share with others - because I am overflowing!
Lord, please fill me up. Stabilize me so I can be a stabilizing influence on my children and family. Give me peace that I may grow despite my circumstances. Strength so that I can make the difficult and uncomfortable decisions when needed - despite what others may think of me. Love, so that I can share it with all around me. Lord, help me not allow fear to overrun my life and snuff out everything that is good. Thank you, Jesus. I love you.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Casting the beam....
Do you have anyone that really, really irritates you? That maybe you have prayed for, but they still irritate you? Sometimes just by existing. Unfortunately I have people in my life and in my past that have, and what comes up every single time is, "Cast the beam from your own eye (Reeda) before you attempt to remove the speck from your neighbor's eye."
Now, when I am really bothered by someone or something I try and look at them from the perspective 0f, "what do I not like about them - that is actually a problem in my own life or with my personality?"
I admit this is not easy to do. Especially when my pride tries to take over. Of course, we all know what happens when pride gets in the driver's seat - complete and utter destruction.
So, when I do stop and reassess the situation, I am much more tolerant and can usually then learn something or change something within myself or my life.
I am talking about this because I really despise being told what I am not good at or don't do well enough. It especially hurts coming from those you love. I do try and do some things better, but sometimes I just don't want to give them the satisfaction (yeah, really mature, I know). Then, in pain I will often lash back at them or just shut them out completely.
So, now it is time, once again, to analyze my part in all of this. What about them do I not like about me - what do they do that I really hate having done to me - which usually means I am probably really, really bad about doing just that to others. I don't like it when I am only told what I do wrong - when there is not anything positive about me or what I do right that is brought up. So, that being said -I am now going to focus on that with people. I am praying for God to soften my heart and keep me aware in this area. Too often and too easily I allow my flesh and pride get in the driver's seat when "hurt" like this. I don't want to do that here.
So, yesterday's Bible reading from Psalms really spoke to me. For a while now I have felt that David was kind of whiny. It has felt like all he does is cry out to God about how everyone hates him and how awful things are for him and can't God fix it all and kill those that hate him? First, let me admit that I know God used David in such a mighty way -and I really do have respect for his life and thankfulness in my heart for a lot of his writing. I just tell you what I have been feeling to show what I have learned.
So, yesterday's Psalm in the one year Bible was Psalm 73:1-28. I so very much identified with the writer here - it was not David - it was Asaph - the day before that it was Solomon - so first I learned ALL whining is not from David ;0) Second I learned again - all these books and verses are in here for a reason. Here is what I got - I identified with his confession of being envious of those that appear so richly blessed despite their lack of acknowledgement of God. It is so easy to look at others and wonder "why?" about my personal situation when theirs seems to be so good despite how much I am doing and where my heart is in my own situation. Like most two year old adults I tend to want to sit down and whine, too (probably why the whining bugs me so much). Then, I come to my senses - so to speak- and remind myself and God of how faithful he has been to me and for me in the past - That I do believe Romans 8:28 and Jeremiah 29:11 - that God IS my strength and comfort in good and bad times - even though I may be too focused on myself to remember that at the time. I am so very thankful that God uses even those from thousands of years ago to remind me - vs. 25b, "I desire you more than anything on the earth. My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever."
Yes. I do desire Him - a relationship/friendship with God more than anything else. I do know that despite my current "feelings" or circumstances He is what is important and what matters most - everything else is so very fleeting. Why do I even get so tangled up in it? My health may fail - my spirit may become weak and doubting - or worse - feel "justified", but GOD IS FAITHFUL!! He continues to meet me right where I am - he hasn't forgotten me and neither is he surprised about where I am or what I am currently going through - so - all that being said and believed by this small human - He comforts me with the reminders from his word - full circle to where I started when not in "troubled/trying" times - He is a God of order - not chaos, He does know how many days I will be on this earth, He does have great plans for me (if I am on board because He did give free will), but despite anything else - God can make something good out of ANYTHING I may currently perceive as "bad" and will do so!!!
My prayer for my children and my marriage continues. Protection for my children - that they would not be so negatively effected by my human frailty and faults and slips. Full restoration for my marriage - so that through our testimony others will be richly blessed in their lives and marriages and troubles by God - and even brought closer to Him.
My prayer for myself is that God would continue to use me and mold me into his image - that I would follow His will and not my own - and that he will continually give me the strength to carry that out.
Now, when I am really bothered by someone or something I try and look at them from the perspective 0f, "what do I not like about them - that is actually a problem in my own life or with my personality?"
I admit this is not easy to do. Especially when my pride tries to take over. Of course, we all know what happens when pride gets in the driver's seat - complete and utter destruction.
So, when I do stop and reassess the situation, I am much more tolerant and can usually then learn something or change something within myself or my life.
I am talking about this because I really despise being told what I am not good at or don't do well enough. It especially hurts coming from those you love. I do try and do some things better, but sometimes I just don't want to give them the satisfaction (yeah, really mature, I know). Then, in pain I will often lash back at them or just shut them out completely.
So, now it is time, once again, to analyze my part in all of this. What about them do I not like about me - what do they do that I really hate having done to me - which usually means I am probably really, really bad about doing just that to others. I don't like it when I am only told what I do wrong - when there is not anything positive about me or what I do right that is brought up. So, that being said -I am now going to focus on that with people. I am praying for God to soften my heart and keep me aware in this area. Too often and too easily I allow my flesh and pride get in the driver's seat when "hurt" like this. I don't want to do that here.
So, yesterday's Bible reading from Psalms really spoke to me. For a while now I have felt that David was kind of whiny. It has felt like all he does is cry out to God about how everyone hates him and how awful things are for him and can't God fix it all and kill those that hate him? First, let me admit that I know God used David in such a mighty way -and I really do have respect for his life and thankfulness in my heart for a lot of his writing. I just tell you what I have been feeling to show what I have learned.
So, yesterday's Psalm in the one year Bible was Psalm 73:1-28. I so very much identified with the writer here - it was not David - it was Asaph - the day before that it was Solomon - so first I learned ALL whining is not from David ;0) Second I learned again - all these books and verses are in here for a reason. Here is what I got - I identified with his confession of being envious of those that appear so richly blessed despite their lack of acknowledgement of God. It is so easy to look at others and wonder "why?" about my personal situation when theirs seems to be so good despite how much I am doing and where my heart is in my own situation. Like most two year old adults I tend to want to sit down and whine, too (probably why the whining bugs me so much). Then, I come to my senses - so to speak- and remind myself and God of how faithful he has been to me and for me in the past - That I do believe Romans 8:28 and Jeremiah 29:11 - that God IS my strength and comfort in good and bad times - even though I may be too focused on myself to remember that at the time. I am so very thankful that God uses even those from thousands of years ago to remind me - vs. 25b, "I desire you more than anything on the earth. My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever."
Yes. I do desire Him - a relationship/friendship with God more than anything else. I do know that despite my current "feelings" or circumstances He is what is important and what matters most - everything else is so very fleeting. Why do I even get so tangled up in it? My health may fail - my spirit may become weak and doubting - or worse - feel "justified", but GOD IS FAITHFUL!! He continues to meet me right where I am - he hasn't forgotten me and neither is he surprised about where I am or what I am currently going through - so - all that being said and believed by this small human - He comforts me with the reminders from his word - full circle to where I started when not in "troubled/trying" times - He is a God of order - not chaos, He does know how many days I will be on this earth, He does have great plans for me (if I am on board because He did give free will), but despite anything else - God can make something good out of ANYTHING I may currently perceive as "bad" and will do so!!!
My prayer for my children and my marriage continues. Protection for my children - that they would not be so negatively effected by my human frailty and faults and slips. Full restoration for my marriage - so that through our testimony others will be richly blessed in their lives and marriages and troubles by God - and even brought closer to Him.
My prayer for myself is that God would continue to use me and mold me into his image - that I would follow His will and not my own - and that he will continually give me the strength to carry that out.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
....and repeat Step One.....
So, the eye of this particular storm has passed and I am currently in the other part of the storm.
I am having to re-learn some things I thought I had learned already. This is humbling. I prefer to hold on to some semblance of control right now, but in my heart I know it is an illusion.
I haven't been in control even when I thought I had control. I cannot make people act "right" or make wise choices. I cannot prevent bad things from happening to myself, my kids, and my family. Wow. That is so difficult to admit. My current situation is causing me to question things I have always done - especially my old coping skills, and ways of reacting to certain situations/triggers. I am finding that through the years I have become healthier in some ways, and in others I have stayed mired in my childish ways of dealing. I am really having prayers answered. I know that when I prayed them, beginning two years ago, I had NO IDEA that the working out of the answers would look like this or feel like this. The Lord truly knew, long before I did, how weak I would be in this situation - so it is really good that He didn't share His plans with me - lest I had run - run for the hills!! I am finally beginning to understand that IN MY WEAKNESS HE IS STRONG! Amen!
I am not as exhausted as I was last week - that kind of tired that comes from the inside out? You know what I mean? Just when I thought, "I cannot put one foot in front of the other" I would hear a song, or get a call, email, or facebook message - and that person would not even know I was dealing with things from a low, low place, but lifted me up anyway - without me uttering a word - that, my friends, is God at work.
Again, I am not where I would choose to be, but am very thankful for where I am and what God is doing in me. I just pray that I will continue to keep my eyes on Him - and when I veer off His path - He would continue to steer me back on very quickly.
I am thankful that even when I became consumed with anger and hurt again this weekend - and really, really wanted to lash out at my presumed offender - I instead (well, maybe after a few not well spoken words - but again, quickly convicted about my behavior) literally cried out to God. Sat on my bed and begged God to help me and my kids and my husband.
He heard me.
The verse God gave me last week, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers (and sisters ;0), whenever you face trials of any kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4 kept coming back to me and then LITERALLY God gave it to me at church on Sunday night - reminding me - "Hey, Reeda, just wanted to remind you, I AM here, I AM with you, and I AM listening. I AM." - God
Just like that - my anger and resentment toward my situation and my husband dissolved. There is no way to explain it to where you can possibly understand - it just did. God is working on us individually and together. Am I still scared? Sure, but I am reminded again that no matter what my circumstances may bring, my GOD is bigger than my circumstances and will lift me above the flood of waters if I just call out and look for His hand. I am once again on dry land, gaining my bearings in this rainstorm, and waiting on the SON to shine through me.
(Periodically you can even catch me dancing in the rain ;o)
So, while there is healing yet to happen and struggles yet to be faced, and more growth ahead (I mean there has to be, right? - with all of this rain the seedlings inside me are being fed - only because I am choosing to focus on God's directions for growth and maintenance)- I am not specifically dreading it all. Trust me, that is ONLY GOD AT WORK inside my life.
All praise and glory to God, my Father!! I pray you all dance, too.
I am having to re-learn some things I thought I had learned already. This is humbling. I prefer to hold on to some semblance of control right now, but in my heart I know it is an illusion.
I haven't been in control even when I thought I had control. I cannot make people act "right" or make wise choices. I cannot prevent bad things from happening to myself, my kids, and my family. Wow. That is so difficult to admit. My current situation is causing me to question things I have always done - especially my old coping skills, and ways of reacting to certain situations/triggers. I am finding that through the years I have become healthier in some ways, and in others I have stayed mired in my childish ways of dealing. I am really having prayers answered. I know that when I prayed them, beginning two years ago, I had NO IDEA that the working out of the answers would look like this or feel like this. The Lord truly knew, long before I did, how weak I would be in this situation - so it is really good that He didn't share His plans with me - lest I had run - run for the hills!! I am finally beginning to understand that IN MY WEAKNESS HE IS STRONG! Amen!
I am not as exhausted as I was last week - that kind of tired that comes from the inside out? You know what I mean? Just when I thought, "I cannot put one foot in front of the other" I would hear a song, or get a call, email, or facebook message - and that person would not even know I was dealing with things from a low, low place, but lifted me up anyway - without me uttering a word - that, my friends, is God at work.
Again, I am not where I would choose to be, but am very thankful for where I am and what God is doing in me. I just pray that I will continue to keep my eyes on Him - and when I veer off His path - He would continue to steer me back on very quickly.
I am thankful that even when I became consumed with anger and hurt again this weekend - and really, really wanted to lash out at my presumed offender - I instead (well, maybe after a few not well spoken words - but again, quickly convicted about my behavior) literally cried out to God. Sat on my bed and begged God to help me and my kids and my husband.
He heard me.
The verse God gave me last week, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers (and sisters ;0), whenever you face trials of any kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4 kept coming back to me and then LITERALLY God gave it to me at church on Sunday night - reminding me - "Hey, Reeda, just wanted to remind you, I AM here, I AM with you, and I AM listening. I AM." - God
Just like that - my anger and resentment toward my situation and my husband dissolved. There is no way to explain it to where you can possibly understand - it just did. God is working on us individually and together. Am I still scared? Sure, but I am reminded again that no matter what my circumstances may bring, my GOD is bigger than my circumstances and will lift me above the flood of waters if I just call out and look for His hand. I am once again on dry land, gaining my bearings in this rainstorm, and waiting on the SON to shine through me.
(Periodically you can even catch me dancing in the rain ;o)
So, while there is healing yet to happen and struggles yet to be faced, and more growth ahead (I mean there has to be, right? - with all of this rain the seedlings inside me are being fed - only because I am choosing to focus on God's directions for growth and maintenance)- I am not specifically dreading it all. Trust me, that is ONLY GOD AT WORK inside my life.
All praise and glory to God, my Father!! I pray you all dance, too.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
On a day like today:
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9
I need that infusion of strength and determination - I need to stop trying to control things around me - I want to stop falling back into old patterns.
Dear Jesus,
Only you can help me in these areas and in the areas that are yet to be identified in my life. Jesus, please show me your will and give me the strength to carry that out.
I love you. Amen
I need that infusion of strength and determination - I need to stop trying to control things around me - I want to stop falling back into old patterns.
Dear Jesus,
Only you can help me in these areas and in the areas that are yet to be identified in my life. Jesus, please show me your will and give me the strength to carry that out.
I love you. Amen
Friday, September 18, 2009
10 Things I Am Grateful For:
1. Jesus. He loves me despite my many flaws and imperfections.
2. Friends.
3. My children. They can brighten my day with a smile and they always help me take the focus off of me.
4. My eyes. That I can see things and people and faces around me.
5. My job.
6. My health.
7. My family.
8. A home to live in.
9. Food to eat.
10. My Bible.
2. Friends.
3. My children. They can brighten my day with a smile and they always help me take the focus off of me.
4. My eyes. That I can see things and people and faces around me.
5. My job.
6. My health.
7. My family.
8. A home to live in.
9. Food to eat.
10. My Bible.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
The Eye of the Storm
You know how when a hurricane blows through, the winds and rain and storms preceding it are vicious - then there is this eerie calm. That is the eye of the storm. The break before the completion of the storm - which the end of the storm usually has more wind and rain, but does not always seem as violent as the beginning. Could be though, that after the eye passes us we are more prepared for the winds and rains that follow. They aren't maybe necessarily weaker than the beginning, but we are "shored up" - buttoned up and battened down so to speak. We are stronger in having survived the first of the storm and then given a rest period we were able to prepare further.
The eye may not last long -or it could be hours or days. Metaphorically speaking I am in the eye. Maybe not - maybe there will be no further wind, rain, or storms to follow the one I have just come through, but that does not seem the pattern for life. I do believe God knows EXACTLY how much you can handle and then, once He has us where He needs us to be - to complete our purpose - He gives us new strength and a rest period.
Now, I in no way believe that we are just supposed to sit on our "duff" so to speak. We are supposed to learn from what we have gone through and continue to look for God's plan and guidance - HIS WILL. Too often I have become complacent after "storms" in my life. I sit back and soak up the rest period instead of actively looking for what I can do next to continue in the growth. I tend to be beaten down to a point - mentally, physically, spiritually. How does that song go? "Crushed but not destroyed, persecuted not abandoned"?
So, here we are - September 15th and so far in the last month we have had two wrecked vehicles (one we were not at fault), my husband moved out, my husband moved back, my 10 yo was diagnosed with an "enlarged optic nerve head" - and all that has come from that (CT scan scheduled for this Friday- already had the sonogram), dentist appts, cheer practice for two different children - along with games each weekend, the Swine Flu in myself and my six year old (and we suspect my husband, too), and constant nights of interrupted sleep from my six year old's stomach issues. Lets add school work, projects, selling things for school, grocery shopping, laundry, household chores, baseball registration, practice, and meetings - GOOD LAND!! I guess this "eye" is needed. This is just the last month's activities.
So, looking back on all of that there is no wonder I am physically and mentally exhausted. Some days I think of sleeping all day. I don't - I work full time, but I think about it. I will say that if my husband had not cleaned this past weekend nothing would have been touched. I did end up helping some, but nothing like what he and two of the kids did together while I ran errands and went to ball games. I don't mean to come across as "poor pitiful me" - not at all - I am SO BLESSED!! God has provided people around me to help take/pick up/and keep children as needed. He has provided friends that have prayed with me and listened to me. He has provided family to support without question, and some with questions - but hey - its family ;o). Spiritually I am eager for that feeding. I need my time with God. I am a better person for having spent time in His presence - I am just so very thankful for this "eye" in my personal storm right now. I look forward to continued growth and learning and also for this rest. So, if I haven't called, written, or otherwise communicated - it is not because I am not thinking of you or praying for you, it is simply because my brain is resting.
"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory, and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls."....."Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given to you when Jesus Christ is revealed." I Peter 1:6-9 and 13.
I have definitely experienced Jesus' grace throughout this summer, along with the gift of seeing Him in it through all of it. Thank you again, Jesus. I love you.
The eye may not last long -or it could be hours or days. Metaphorically speaking I am in the eye. Maybe not - maybe there will be no further wind, rain, or storms to follow the one I have just come through, but that does not seem the pattern for life. I do believe God knows EXACTLY how much you can handle and then, once He has us where He needs us to be - to complete our purpose - He gives us new strength and a rest period.
Now, I in no way believe that we are just supposed to sit on our "duff" so to speak. We are supposed to learn from what we have gone through and continue to look for God's plan and guidance - HIS WILL. Too often I have become complacent after "storms" in my life. I sit back and soak up the rest period instead of actively looking for what I can do next to continue in the growth. I tend to be beaten down to a point - mentally, physically, spiritually. How does that song go? "Crushed but not destroyed, persecuted not abandoned"?
So, here we are - September 15th and so far in the last month we have had two wrecked vehicles (one we were not at fault), my husband moved out, my husband moved back, my 10 yo was diagnosed with an "enlarged optic nerve head" - and all that has come from that (CT scan scheduled for this Friday- already had the sonogram), dentist appts, cheer practice for two different children - along with games each weekend, the Swine Flu in myself and my six year old (and we suspect my husband, too), and constant nights of interrupted sleep from my six year old's stomach issues. Lets add school work, projects, selling things for school, grocery shopping, laundry, household chores, baseball registration, practice, and meetings - GOOD LAND!! I guess this "eye" is needed. This is just the last month's activities.
So, looking back on all of that there is no wonder I am physically and mentally exhausted. Some days I think of sleeping all day. I don't - I work full time, but I think about it. I will say that if my husband had not cleaned this past weekend nothing would have been touched. I did end up helping some, but nothing like what he and two of the kids did together while I ran errands and went to ball games. I don't mean to come across as "poor pitiful me" - not at all - I am SO BLESSED!! God has provided people around me to help take/pick up/and keep children as needed. He has provided friends that have prayed with me and listened to me. He has provided family to support without question, and some with questions - but hey - its family ;o). Spiritually I am eager for that feeding. I need my time with God. I am a better person for having spent time in His presence - I am just so very thankful for this "eye" in my personal storm right now. I look forward to continued growth and learning and also for this rest. So, if I haven't called, written, or otherwise communicated - it is not because I am not thinking of you or praying for you, it is simply because my brain is resting.
"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory, and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls."....."Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given to you when Jesus Christ is revealed." I Peter 1:6-9 and 13.
I have definitely experienced Jesus' grace throughout this summer, along with the gift of seeing Him in it through all of it. Thank you again, Jesus. I love you.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Spiritual Awakening
Yes! That is precisely what I am in the middle of - an awakening- spiritually. I just don't think I can accurately describe how I am feeling inside. I am excited and apprehensive all at the same time. Is that even possible?
Guess, so.
In an earlier post I referred to it as a 'makeover'. That would work for a description, too. I am going through the "fire", "toil", "weeding", etc., to become exactly as God would have me be for the follow through with His will for my life. But, I have to be willing first. Willing to follow Him. Willing to stay. Willing to even stay in life. So often I see people around me that literally give up. They numb themselves with either substances, food (uh, yeah, me too), or whatever - OR they kill themselves.
I know that God allows free will in us as humans. Sometimes your 'will' steps all over mine - especially when I think my will is right. What I am learning is that even though I think I have the best and most free thing to offer others - that information is not always what that person needs right then, from me. Also, unless you are ready - you won't be able to receive it. So, prayer is so very important.
I think I have often felt in the past "I need to DO something, prayer is good, but action is better." How wrong I often was. Yes, some things take action, but so many times I should have stopped and prayed - not just in the middle of the crisis, but before it happened. Not that my prayers will PREVENT anything - His will always prevails - but if I stay focused on me then I know I will be prepared. Preparation is so important - there is a verse in Proverbs that says "where there is no vision the people perish". How true is that for me and my life?
So, through saying all of this - what it boils down to is "I am powerless". I am powerless over so many things, but there is also a certain freedom in that - I am not responsible for anyone or anything except what I am directly in charge of. Me, my job, my children (to an extent), and my choices. I am so thankful for that and for this process of 'Awakening' He is taking me through!!
Guess, so.
In an earlier post I referred to it as a 'makeover'. That would work for a description, too. I am going through the "fire", "toil", "weeding", etc., to become exactly as God would have me be for the follow through with His will for my life. But, I have to be willing first. Willing to follow Him. Willing to stay. Willing to even stay in life. So often I see people around me that literally give up. They numb themselves with either substances, food (uh, yeah, me too), or whatever - OR they kill themselves.
I know that God allows free will in us as humans. Sometimes your 'will' steps all over mine - especially when I think my will is right. What I am learning is that even though I think I have the best and most free thing to offer others - that information is not always what that person needs right then, from me. Also, unless you are ready - you won't be able to receive it. So, prayer is so very important.
I think I have often felt in the past "I need to DO something, prayer is good, but action is better." How wrong I often was. Yes, some things take action, but so many times I should have stopped and prayed - not just in the middle of the crisis, but before it happened. Not that my prayers will PREVENT anything - His will always prevails - but if I stay focused on me then I know I will be prepared. Preparation is so important - there is a verse in Proverbs that says "where there is no vision the people perish". How true is that for me and my life?
So, through saying all of this - what it boils down to is "I am powerless". I am powerless over so many things, but there is also a certain freedom in that - I am not responsible for anyone or anything except what I am directly in charge of. Me, my job, my children (to an extent), and my choices. I am so thankful for that and for this process of 'Awakening' He is taking me through!!
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
With Me
So, this past weekend I asked my husband to move out. Not because I was angry. Not because I don't love him. Instead it was because his decisions were putting our family unit in jeopardy. By this I mean that he was making decisions with himself and my kids that could have devastating consequences. I could not and would not condone or enable that. So, no fussing, no fighting, I just asked him to pack and go. He did.
In his condition he said some very hurtful things to me. I listened, but God truly tempered my response and I didn't lash back with hurtful words to him. I am not bragging - I am not at all perfect (not even close), but I had enough of God in me from feeding and building over these last few months that I knew that what I said to my kids ("be kind to others", "treat others better than you want to be treated", etc) had to be lived out at some point ;o). This was that point.
I am a nurturer by nature. I direct things and situations very well (*cough*cough*). I know in my heart if people would just listen to me (uhh, okay - yeah - right) then things could be so much more simple. 90% of issues between friends, family, etc. stems from poor communication (listening - even more- than talking). I like to "fix" things.
Well, nothing to bring you to your knees (literally) before God than to have a marital/family crisis. Nothing like having those very things start going wrong inside my nuclear family.
I have never been so delusional as to believe that we, as a married couple/family unit, were perfect. No - not at all. But I really did think that as a couple we had already had "our share"(of issues) so to speak - early on in our marriage. Evidently not. There are still things God wants to work out in me, and in us, that require some more 'firing'.
I don't like it, but I do appreciate the knowledge that the 'end result' will be far more than I could have hoped for or imagined if I remain focused on Him.
All this DESPITE what others around me are doing - It doesn't matter!!! I am not responsible for them and they are not responsible for me. I have to give an account one day and I have to be able to look at Christ and know that in my heart I meant well and tried my best to lead others to Him. But really? It all comes back to being 'with Him' and Him providing His grace!
In his condition he said some very hurtful things to me. I listened, but God truly tempered my response and I didn't lash back with hurtful words to him. I am not bragging - I am not at all perfect (not even close), but I had enough of God in me from feeding and building over these last few months that I knew that what I said to my kids ("be kind to others", "treat others better than you want to be treated", etc) had to be lived out at some point ;o). This was that point.
I am a nurturer by nature. I direct things and situations very well (*cough*cough*). I know in my heart if people would just listen to me (uhh, okay - yeah - right) then things could be so much more simple. 90% of issues between friends, family, etc. stems from poor communication (listening - even more- than talking). I like to "fix" things.
Well, nothing to bring you to your knees (literally) before God than to have a marital/family crisis. Nothing like having those very things start going wrong inside my nuclear family.
I have never been so delusional as to believe that we, as a married couple/family unit, were perfect. No - not at all. But I really did think that as a couple we had already had "our share"(of issues) so to speak - early on in our marriage. Evidently not. There are still things God wants to work out in me, and in us, that require some more 'firing'.
I don't like it, but I do appreciate the knowledge that the 'end result' will be far more than I could have hoped for or imagined if I remain focused on Him.
All this DESPITE what others around me are doing - It doesn't matter!!! I am not responsible for them and they are not responsible for me. I have to give an account one day and I have to be able to look at Christ and know that in my heart I meant well and tried my best to lead others to Him. But really? It all comes back to being 'with Him' and Him providing His grace!
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Rough Weekend
So, I just got through, about two hours ago, tucking in my six year old. Tate is such a sweet soul. The girls, Tate, and I spent time tonight literally on our knees intervening for their dad and our family unit.
This weekend was very tough for all of us. I asked my husband - the man I love- to leave. Why? Because his choices were coming between us - causing problems where before I had not recognized them. Again - God is allowing my "wax" to be melted - not only in my personal life, but also in me.
So, my six year old told me earlier that he wanted to be my "hair artist". Meaning he wanted to curl my hair. He had spent a little time watching the girls practice with the sponge rollers tonight and decided after building a car out of the same rollers - that mommy needed a makeover. It was great - I must have really been in need because soon all three were making me over. After all was almost done, Tate looked at me and said - in words wiser than his years - "I wanted to do this to take my mind off missing Daddy."
I completely understood.
How appropriate that he chose a "makeover" as a way to do that. That is what I feel like I am in the midst of right now - a life changing "make over". I can honestly say that my prayers about wanting God to remove from me the anger that has been coming and going lately has really happened. I am no longer angry - at my husband or my situation - I see most of my part in this drama that is our life right now, but I pray that all will be revealed as I can handle it and deal with it in a Christ like and healthy way.
Today at church the pastor was out and we had his home church pastor - Larry Stockstill come and speak to us. I had just completed my connection card with my prayer requests on it - which included asking God to keep me in line with His will - not mine- when Pastor Stockstill gave us the title of the sermon - which was all about being in line with God's will - so we don't miss our "assignment". Amen!
How on time is God in my life lately? Probably always, but I haven't looked as much for it as recently. I am so very thankful. Thankful for friends that despite absences and neglect on my part - love me and help me and pray with me. I am also so thankful for my children - and the reminders because of them and our current situation - that my past was important for my future - no matter what I may have felt like all this time. Wow - so, so very thankful!!
So, as I was tucking Tate in and kissing him on the head - he looked at me and asked me, "Is Daddy stuck in the mud that already got the sticks?" As I smiled at his interpretation - or hearing of -my earlier prayer I explained, "Yes - satan is trying to keep his daddy stuck in the miry muck of lies, but that we are praying against that and for complete 'unsticking' of his daddy." He nodded and went to sleep. I think I will, too.
This weekend was very tough for all of us. I asked my husband - the man I love- to leave. Why? Because his choices were coming between us - causing problems where before I had not recognized them. Again - God is allowing my "wax" to be melted - not only in my personal life, but also in me.
So, my six year old told me earlier that he wanted to be my "hair artist". Meaning he wanted to curl my hair. He had spent a little time watching the girls practice with the sponge rollers tonight and decided after building a car out of the same rollers - that mommy needed a makeover. It was great - I must have really been in need because soon all three were making me over. After all was almost done, Tate looked at me and said - in words wiser than his years - "I wanted to do this to take my mind off missing Daddy."
I completely understood.
How appropriate that he chose a "makeover" as a way to do that. That is what I feel like I am in the midst of right now - a life changing "make over". I can honestly say that my prayers about wanting God to remove from me the anger that has been coming and going lately has really happened. I am no longer angry - at my husband or my situation - I see most of my part in this drama that is our life right now, but I pray that all will be revealed as I can handle it and deal with it in a Christ like and healthy way.
Today at church the pastor was out and we had his home church pastor - Larry Stockstill come and speak to us. I had just completed my connection card with my prayer requests on it - which included asking God to keep me in line with His will - not mine- when Pastor Stockstill gave us the title of the sermon - which was all about being in line with God's will - so we don't miss our "assignment". Amen!
How on time is God in my life lately? Probably always, but I haven't looked as much for it as recently. I am so very thankful. Thankful for friends that despite absences and neglect on my part - love me and help me and pray with me. I am also so thankful for my children - and the reminders because of them and our current situation - that my past was important for my future - no matter what I may have felt like all this time. Wow - so, so very thankful!!
So, as I was tucking Tate in and kissing him on the head - he looked at me and asked me, "Is Daddy stuck in the mud that already got the sticks?" As I smiled at his interpretation - or hearing of -my earlier prayer I explained, "Yes - satan is trying to keep his daddy stuck in the miry muck of lies, but that we are praying against that and for complete 'unsticking' of his daddy." He nodded and went to sleep. I think I will, too.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
The Answer
So for the past five days or so I have REALLY been struggling with how to move on from here. The really scary part for me is not knowing for sure that my husband will move forward with me. He says he will, says he wants to, but I have heard all of that before and am EXTREMELY wary of believing it again. I admit some of that is my pride talking. I am tired of looking dumb (stupid, foolish - you fill in the word).
This has made me so much more aware of how little tolerance I have for weakness. Not from me or anyone else. I think I am even passing that down to my kids. Actually I have more tolerance for those outside my family - but feel that those in my family usually need to "buck up" so to speak. Life is hard. Get used to it. No time for self pity. Hmmm, well - I am not so sure this is the best approach. Does God do that to me? Sometimes I think so. He warns us that there WILL BE hard times. But He also tells us He will always be there with us, helping us through - so keep going (is what I hear on the end). I don't know. Maybe I need to better understand His rest, etc - not just His love and grace (which I am still trying to wrap my little peon brain around).
So, I have been reading books dealing with this issue. Reading, praying, looking for what I should do - how do I move forward in a healthy way - what does that look like? I went to another meeting last night - I was very thankful for what I heard and the validation I received without anyone even saying a word - just through listening to others. Then, I also received reminders that my thinking has been altered through my recent experiences, and my thinking wasn't even that great to begin with. I HAVE to let God handle my now and my future. No amount of planning, preparing, and wishing can fully make things happen or not happen as the case may be. I have to surrender.
I have to surrender this situation and most importantly MY WILL. My will is that my family stay in tact, my kids grow up in love with Jesus - with a heart for others, for my husband to completely be free of this 'demon', and that our finances not be negatively affected.
Now, God does promise in Jeremiah 29:11 that He has plans to prosper us, not to harm us - to give us hope and a future. My plans - while they may sound good and "on track" may not be His plans for me. I have to back off - stop fighting and stop planning and stop trying to control each situation for the outcome I feel is right - and give it ALL to God. ALL!!
I also have to show love to my husband even when I don't feel like it. When I feel he needs to suffer as I feel I have, or when I feel he needs to not be touched because I am angry inside - or I just don't need to say anything because silence will "get him". Really, I only hurt me.
So, today God said to me, "Now it is time to forgive him and comfort him. Otherwise he may become so discouraged that he won't be able to recover. Now show him that you still love him." 2 Corinthians 2:7-8
There is NOTHING else I needed to hear. Thank you, God.
This has made me so much more aware of how little tolerance I have for weakness. Not from me or anyone else. I think I am even passing that down to my kids. Actually I have more tolerance for those outside my family - but feel that those in my family usually need to "buck up" so to speak. Life is hard. Get used to it. No time for self pity. Hmmm, well - I am not so sure this is the best approach. Does God do that to me? Sometimes I think so. He warns us that there WILL BE hard times. But He also tells us He will always be there with us, helping us through - so keep going (is what I hear on the end). I don't know. Maybe I need to better understand His rest, etc - not just His love and grace (which I am still trying to wrap my little peon brain around).
So, I have been reading books dealing with this issue. Reading, praying, looking for what I should do - how do I move forward in a healthy way - what does that look like? I went to another meeting last night - I was very thankful for what I heard and the validation I received without anyone even saying a word - just through listening to others. Then, I also received reminders that my thinking has been altered through my recent experiences, and my thinking wasn't even that great to begin with. I HAVE to let God handle my now and my future. No amount of planning, preparing, and wishing can fully make things happen or not happen as the case may be. I have to surrender.
I have to surrender this situation and most importantly MY WILL. My will is that my family stay in tact, my kids grow up in love with Jesus - with a heart for others, for my husband to completely be free of this 'demon', and that our finances not be negatively affected.
Now, God does promise in Jeremiah 29:11 that He has plans to prosper us, not to harm us - to give us hope and a future. My plans - while they may sound good and "on track" may not be His plans for me. I have to back off - stop fighting and stop planning and stop trying to control each situation for the outcome I feel is right - and give it ALL to God. ALL!!
I also have to show love to my husband even when I don't feel like it. When I feel he needs to suffer as I feel I have, or when I feel he needs to not be touched because I am angry inside - or I just don't need to say anything because silence will "get him". Really, I only hurt me.
So, today God said to me, "Now it is time to forgive him and comfort him. Otherwise he may become so discouraged that he won't be able to recover. Now show him that you still love him." 2 Corinthians 2:7-8
There is NOTHING else I needed to hear. Thank you, God.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Allowed to be tested...
So, I wrote my last post and went home to rest and spend time with my husband before the kids got home. I was not feeling well physically for a few days and was very tired.
That evening I was knocked back more than just a few steps. I knew immediately God was allowing me to be tested. To see if what I had written that day was indeed my heart. I pray with everything in me that He found me, though staggering, not at all defeated. Yes, circumstances in my immediate life were getting more difficult. The ante has been "upped" so to speak, but I do not doubt God's love for me, my husband, or my family. I KNOW His plan for my life is good. I do not think it is a coincidence that I am reading the story of Job in the One Year Bible right now, either. I am not saying my life is in as many dire straits as what Job found himself in, but the ones I am in feel like that at times. I do not curse the day I was born, but there are times I question why I got married, why I had kids, why I didn't move to another country and become a missionary. Hmmmm, lets think on that for a moment.
Really? Do I really think I could have been used that well on the mission field? Maybe.
Do I really think life on the mission field would not have been difficult? At times. But, then I would know that I was really doing it all - sacrificing, suffering (or at least my idea of), etc.,- for a "higher calling". (can you hear the choir of angels right there?)
So, if I truly trust God, then I trust where I am - not where maybe on some off chance I could have been. I must trust Him in the valleys of my life as well as on the mountaintops. My husband and I are such a good match for each other's personalities that I know God gave him to me. There have been moments I have wondered why, but I do know he was given to me (*smile*), just as there have been moments I have questioned if I was really meant to be a mom, but I am quickly reminded that Romans 8:28 was true yesterday, and it is true today - and then He goes on to remind me of Jeremiah 29:11 - so really, who am I to doubt? God is so much more than my feelings or circumstances.
I do love my husband, I just don't always agree with him or choices he makes that affect our family. I am struggling to allow God to show me how to submit, how to love like He loves me, and how to be a better wife and mother.
So, I do believe God called me to a mission field. It is this town I live in, the people I have come to know, but most especially my husband and my children. They are my calling for this season. I choose to stay, work things out, and be better for it so that God can use this as a testimony to His grace, His love, and His unfailing support. Not because of anything I can do for me, my husband or my children, but because of Him in my life.
That evening I was knocked back more than just a few steps. I knew immediately God was allowing me to be tested. To see if what I had written that day was indeed my heart. I pray with everything in me that He found me, though staggering, not at all defeated. Yes, circumstances in my immediate life were getting more difficult. The ante has been "upped" so to speak, but I do not doubt God's love for me, my husband, or my family. I KNOW His plan for my life is good. I do not think it is a coincidence that I am reading the story of Job in the One Year Bible right now, either. I am not saying my life is in as many dire straits as what Job found himself in, but the ones I am in feel like that at times. I do not curse the day I was born, but there are times I question why I got married, why I had kids, why I didn't move to another country and become a missionary. Hmmmm, lets think on that for a moment.
Really? Do I really think I could have been used that well on the mission field? Maybe.
Do I really think life on the mission field would not have been difficult? At times. But, then I would know that I was really doing it all - sacrificing, suffering (or at least my idea of), etc.,- for a "higher calling". (can you hear the choir of angels right there?)
So, if I truly trust God, then I trust where I am - not where maybe on some off chance I could have been. I must trust Him in the valleys of my life as well as on the mountaintops. My husband and I are such a good match for each other's personalities that I know God gave him to me. There have been moments I have wondered why, but I do know he was given to me (*smile*), just as there have been moments I have questioned if I was really meant to be a mom, but I am quickly reminded that Romans 8:28 was true yesterday, and it is true today - and then He goes on to remind me of Jeremiah 29:11 - so really, who am I to doubt? God is so much more than my feelings or circumstances.
I do love my husband, I just don't always agree with him or choices he makes that affect our family. I am struggling to allow God to show me how to submit, how to love like He loves me, and how to be a better wife and mother.
So, I do believe God called me to a mission field. It is this town I live in, the people I have come to know, but most especially my husband and my children. They are my calling for this season. I choose to stay, work things out, and be better for it so that God can use this as a testimony to His grace, His love, and His unfailing support. Not because of anything I can do for me, my husband or my children, but because of Him in my life.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Taking root...
So, here I am almost two months later. My soil has been turned, weeds are being torn out by the roots, and new seeds have been planted. God is so very good. Not only is healing happening, but also growth. New roots are forming - taking over where the weeds were growing and choking out Life.
I am so thankful for a Christian husband. One that loves his family, his wife, and his children enough to continue on this walk with me. Even when I am at my most fearful - walking completely in the flesh - God uses his willing heart to nudge me back. Prayer works. That is so important to know. It works for healing, for restoration, and for guidance. I have often wondered how people could say they "love Jesus" even when so much "bad" is happening to them personally. Where does that kind of devotion come from? I am not sure I have had that kind of devotion in the past, but not only am I coming to understand it now, but also the love part. I am genuinely in love with Jesus. Not because life is going my way -because there are things trying to come against my family that tend to make life difficult - or because I have everything I "want" or any other superficial thing like that. No, I am in love with Him because I now am beginning to see how very much He loves me despite all my "cracks". Through this firing process my own personal wax has been being melted away. My cracks that have evidently been being covered and filled in by superficial knowledge and words are coming out. Sort of like those games we would play on youth trips - "when squeezed (through a difficult situation), what do you get? Lemons or lemonade?" I was usually in the lemon group - irritated, bossy, bothered, etc. I could cover it well though when necessary.
Well, nothing like a fire to melt it all away. Again - I am not too fond of the process, but am so very thankful that He loves me enough to fill in those cracks with Him when they become exposed. I don't deserve that kind of love or grace - can never measure up. But for all I don't understand about God and His undying and unfailing love, I do understand He does know me, my circumstances, and where I am. He hears me, holds me, walks with me, and guides me.
So, I continue to grow my roots in Him, so when the winds and storms come, I am well "grounded" and difficult to move. I look forward to my time with Him and thank him so very, very much for His multitude of blessings!!
I am so thankful for a Christian husband. One that loves his family, his wife, and his children enough to continue on this walk with me. Even when I am at my most fearful - walking completely in the flesh - God uses his willing heart to nudge me back. Prayer works. That is so important to know. It works for healing, for restoration, and for guidance. I have often wondered how people could say they "love Jesus" even when so much "bad" is happening to them personally. Where does that kind of devotion come from? I am not sure I have had that kind of devotion in the past, but not only am I coming to understand it now, but also the love part. I am genuinely in love with Jesus. Not because life is going my way -because there are things trying to come against my family that tend to make life difficult - or because I have everything I "want" or any other superficial thing like that. No, I am in love with Him because I now am beginning to see how very much He loves me despite all my "cracks". Through this firing process my own personal wax has been being melted away. My cracks that have evidently been being covered and filled in by superficial knowledge and words are coming out. Sort of like those games we would play on youth trips - "when squeezed (through a difficult situation), what do you get? Lemons or lemonade?" I was usually in the lemon group - irritated, bossy, bothered, etc. I could cover it well though when necessary.
Well, nothing like a fire to melt it all away. Again - I am not too fond of the process, but am so very thankful that He loves me enough to fill in those cracks with Him when they become exposed. I don't deserve that kind of love or grace - can never measure up. But for all I don't understand about God and His undying and unfailing love, I do understand He does know me, my circumstances, and where I am. He hears me, holds me, walks with me, and guides me.
So, I continue to grow my roots in Him, so when the winds and storms come, I am well "grounded" and difficult to move. I look forward to my time with Him and thank him so very, very much for His multitude of blessings!!
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
The Garden
This past spring my husband began tilling and preparing our backyard to plant a garden. This year's garden is bigger than last year and he added a second section. The preparing of the soil took longer than I expected. First he had to research what tool would be best to use (last year he did it by hand with a hoe and I sooooo feel for pioneers!), then he purchased it and finally started using it. He had to get the hang of it - it was lighter and faster than he expected at first - but once he got the hang of it he was on his way - and having a great time - and he even let our (just turned) six year old operate it, too.
So - then came the planting, weeding, putting up posts (to keep our dog from trampling through), and chicken wire for the veggies to climb on, watering, fertilizing, etc.
FINALLY we started seeing sprouts. To say my husband was excited is small. He was thrilled - everyday he would come in and change and go outside to work in the garden.
I will admit that a lot of days I resented it because I didn't appreciate the time it took - weeding, watering, fertilizing, admiring small, tiny, (looking a lot like weeds) sprouts that he was taking such care of. He loved it though and I begrudgingly adjusted my expectations.
He offered many days for me to go outside and help him weed or work when I mentioned how much time he spent out there. I didn't ever take him up on it. WEEDING? REALLY? Get bug bitten? hot? and dirty for some sprouts that I thought looked a lot like weeds? No thanks.
By June we had tall tomato plants, corn stalks, beans climbing, watermelon vines reaching, and squash and cucumbers growing. I was amazed, but still not as impressed as him. Then we had torrential storms - they flattened everything except the tomatoes. After two days of rain we had a break and he went out and tried to stand everything back up. I did support this because it meant so much to him - he spent many hours weeding, posting, tying, and shoring up. That night another storm - the next day - he stood the corn up again - then that night a storm that had hail and wind and really bad rain. He basically said to me that he wasn't standing it all up again - if it didn't recover - so be it. I stood at the window that night and prayed that God would spare our garden. Why? Because my husband had put so much into them both and with everything going on at his job I really didn't want to see him so defeated.
The next morning with the sun brought the show of damage done. Two trees fell - our roof was damaged and the yard was a horrible mess with leaves, limbs and debris. The power had also gone out during this particular storm. But, WOW! How awesome is my God?
The tree in the backyard fell JUST TO THE RIGHT of the garden! Coincidence? No. God spared our garden. The tree in the front yard fell where we normally park, but the van wasn't there so no damage was done - again - God knew back in March that this storm was headed our way - so He guided us then to have it be in a lot for sale at a different location.
I tell you all this for two reasons - as I have come to appreciate the garden (if not the work), I have also started taking an active part with my husband in the care of it - although he does the lion's share. I see the garden in my yard as so much like my spiritual life. How?
Well, in the spring, personal storms began brewing (God preparing my soil) - then my grandfather, who had such a powerful influence on my spiritual life and foundation, got sick all of a sudden and died after a month with cancer. I was blessed with being able to go and help my mom, aunt and uncle on the weekends stay with him and care for him - in the middle of that - my mom fell at his house and fractured her shoulder - could not even dress herself, bathe herself, make her own food, or drive. I had the opportunity to serve my mom in the most elemental of ways during that 5 weeks. She is home now and I have stayed only one weekend because of all the other personal stuff that has come up - but God provided my sister in law and brother to be there to help care for her at her home (which is where she wanted to be).
So, during that time I was able to really reflect on my personal legacy - what trail am I leaving behind? What do my children and husband see?
My grandfather was given the gift of evangelism. Even dying of cancer he asked nurses and hospice workers if they knew Jesus and where they were attending church. He was not ashamed of the Gospel of Christ. His neighbors came to share all there interactions with him - visit with him and thank him. He cared for the widows around him and always looked out for them. He took initiative in his neighborhood, church, family, and community - even when it wasn't always welcome. In 2007 when I was able to spend one on one time with him in the hospital, he told me then to start reading Ezekiel - the end was drawing near. He told me to make sure my relationship with Christ was on track - and encouraged me to share Him with others - Granddaddy also took the time to remind me that he prayed daily, by name, for each member of my family - and me. I cherish that. I know his prayers made a difference in my life.
So, in this season of God "tilling" my heart's soil, planting His seeds (bringing events into my life that I could grow through or not allow to root) providing fertilizer (relationships with others, His word, church, music, etc) if I chose to partake of it, providing water (His word - and sometimes storms), to help these fledgling seeds take root and grow. But, the weeding is just as vital - and can be painful - the tearing out of bad habits, destructive ways or thoughts, past hurts, etc - to allow room for the new growth. Then - more rain, fertilizer, and weeding as the growth continues. Now the sprouts are big - reaching constantly toward the SON - the flowers open wide to allow the necessary "bug" in - that exact thing needed to fertilize and spur on naturally - specifically designed for me and my "flower". But the enemy has plans, too. The enemy is a master manipulator and liar - takes what is meant for good and can pervert it - if we don't get rid of those things in our life garden, then it can drown us (if we don't have good drainage), eat us (if we allow the wrong 'bugs' into our flower), or burn us (if we plant ourselves in the wrong part of the yard with too much or too little sun).
So, daily tending is needed. Plans are needed. Preparation is needed. Help is needed.
We are not islands unto ourselves. God designed us to have help weeding our gardens as needed. Help to spur us on, to taking in the fertilizer and water, and tempering both - knowing when to keep certain bugs, and when to demolish the others.
When we do these things the 'fruit' born of our toil, labor, and weeding pain - is so very, very good - and abundant enough to share with others!
If we focus only on the pain of the problem we are in - we have the potential to become stagnant, drown, or eaten alive. Instead, I ask you to consider keeping your blooms open to the SON, and your tendrils reaching constantly for new ground to grow in - led by His hand- through the fertilizing and weeding and watering of our time with Him, with friends striving toward Him also, and through praise of our Father.
I now so much more appreciate my garden. Thank you, Abba.
So - then came the planting, weeding, putting up posts (to keep our dog from trampling through), and chicken wire for the veggies to climb on, watering, fertilizing, etc.
FINALLY we started seeing sprouts. To say my husband was excited is small. He was thrilled - everyday he would come in and change and go outside to work in the garden.
I will admit that a lot of days I resented it because I didn't appreciate the time it took - weeding, watering, fertilizing, admiring small, tiny, (looking a lot like weeds) sprouts that he was taking such care of. He loved it though and I begrudgingly adjusted my expectations.
He offered many days for me to go outside and help him weed or work when I mentioned how much time he spent out there. I didn't ever take him up on it. WEEDING? REALLY? Get bug bitten? hot? and dirty for some sprouts that I thought looked a lot like weeds? No thanks.
By June we had tall tomato plants, corn stalks, beans climbing, watermelon vines reaching, and squash and cucumbers growing. I was amazed, but still not as impressed as him. Then we had torrential storms - they flattened everything except the tomatoes. After two days of rain we had a break and he went out and tried to stand everything back up. I did support this because it meant so much to him - he spent many hours weeding, posting, tying, and shoring up. That night another storm - the next day - he stood the corn up again - then that night a storm that had hail and wind and really bad rain. He basically said to me that he wasn't standing it all up again - if it didn't recover - so be it. I stood at the window that night and prayed that God would spare our garden. Why? Because my husband had put so much into them both and with everything going on at his job I really didn't want to see him so defeated.
The next morning with the sun brought the show of damage done. Two trees fell - our roof was damaged and the yard was a horrible mess with leaves, limbs and debris. The power had also gone out during this particular storm. But, WOW! How awesome is my God?
The tree in the backyard fell JUST TO THE RIGHT of the garden! Coincidence? No. God spared our garden. The tree in the front yard fell where we normally park, but the van wasn't there so no damage was done - again - God knew back in March that this storm was headed our way - so He guided us then to have it be in a lot for sale at a different location.
I tell you all this for two reasons - as I have come to appreciate the garden (if not the work), I have also started taking an active part with my husband in the care of it - although he does the lion's share. I see the garden in my yard as so much like my spiritual life. How?
Well, in the spring, personal storms began brewing (God preparing my soil) - then my grandfather, who had such a powerful influence on my spiritual life and foundation, got sick all of a sudden and died after a month with cancer. I was blessed with being able to go and help my mom, aunt and uncle on the weekends stay with him and care for him - in the middle of that - my mom fell at his house and fractured her shoulder - could not even dress herself, bathe herself, make her own food, or drive. I had the opportunity to serve my mom in the most elemental of ways during that 5 weeks. She is home now and I have stayed only one weekend because of all the other personal stuff that has come up - but God provided my sister in law and brother to be there to help care for her at her home (which is where she wanted to be).
So, during that time I was able to really reflect on my personal legacy - what trail am I leaving behind? What do my children and husband see?
My grandfather was given the gift of evangelism. Even dying of cancer he asked nurses and hospice workers if they knew Jesus and where they were attending church. He was not ashamed of the Gospel of Christ. His neighbors came to share all there interactions with him - visit with him and thank him. He cared for the widows around him and always looked out for them. He took initiative in his neighborhood, church, family, and community - even when it wasn't always welcome. In 2007 when I was able to spend one on one time with him in the hospital, he told me then to start reading Ezekiel - the end was drawing near. He told me to make sure my relationship with Christ was on track - and encouraged me to share Him with others - Granddaddy also took the time to remind me that he prayed daily, by name, for each member of my family - and me. I cherish that. I know his prayers made a difference in my life.
So, in this season of God "tilling" my heart's soil, planting His seeds (bringing events into my life that I could grow through or not allow to root) providing fertilizer (relationships with others, His word, church, music, etc) if I chose to partake of it, providing water (His word - and sometimes storms), to help these fledgling seeds take root and grow. But, the weeding is just as vital - and can be painful - the tearing out of bad habits, destructive ways or thoughts, past hurts, etc - to allow room for the new growth. Then - more rain, fertilizer, and weeding as the growth continues. Now the sprouts are big - reaching constantly toward the SON - the flowers open wide to allow the necessary "bug" in - that exact thing needed to fertilize and spur on naturally - specifically designed for me and my "flower". But the enemy has plans, too. The enemy is a master manipulator and liar - takes what is meant for good and can pervert it - if we don't get rid of those things in our life garden, then it can drown us (if we don't have good drainage), eat us (if we allow the wrong 'bugs' into our flower), or burn us (if we plant ourselves in the wrong part of the yard with too much or too little sun).
So, daily tending is needed. Plans are needed. Preparation is needed. Help is needed.
We are not islands unto ourselves. God designed us to have help weeding our gardens as needed. Help to spur us on, to taking in the fertilizer and water, and tempering both - knowing when to keep certain bugs, and when to demolish the others.
When we do these things the 'fruit' born of our toil, labor, and weeding pain - is so very, very good - and abundant enough to share with others!
If we focus only on the pain of the problem we are in - we have the potential to become stagnant, drown, or eaten alive. Instead, I ask you to consider keeping your blooms open to the SON, and your tendrils reaching constantly for new ground to grow in - led by His hand- through the fertilizing and weeding and watering of our time with Him, with friends striving toward Him also, and through praise of our Father.
I now so much more appreciate my garden. Thank you, Abba.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Amazing Grace....
Grace is definitely what Jesus is giving me at this point in my life. He is "doing for me what I can't do for myself" - Grace.
I love Jesus. I so appreciate His timing - just when I think He has forgotten me or didn't hear me, He steps in once again. Despite my fear - fear that is confessed and fear that I want to be rid of. I see now the only way to be rid of that fear is to let Jesus' voice and promises become louder in my mind and soul. Sometimes that is specifically through His word - through reading the Bible and spending time with Him - sometimes He gives a word through someone else - and sometimes - just like in a pinball game - He provides buffers to get us back on course. Reminders of who He is and what power He does have - reminders of His love, promises, and provisions no matter what the enemy or our flesh is attempting to get us off track with.
Thank you, Jesus. Thank you for my friends, for meetings, for church, and for your continued patience with me in my growing.
I had the opportunity to spend face to face time with a friend that knows me and my husband very well last night. She is another person God has used in these past weeks to steer me back on course, to calm my anxiety, remind me of what I know of Christ's promises for me and my life, and give me practical and timely advice about not over reacting in my moments of fear.
I also got to attend a meeting last night that I haven't been a part of in over 10 years. Wow. What a necessary reminder to me and my life right now. Have I really become a "snob". By that I mean - thinking I didn't need others - to be reminded of what could be and has been and what needs to be during such a time as this? I am so thankful for the group I got to meet with last night - a true reminder that all my searching, trying to figure things out, and plans, and questioning is such a huge waste of time and anxiety builder. A definite reminder that I don't just surrender my will to Christ once and that is it, but that it may be something I have to do hour by hour as I try and fall into the same old patterns of interaction.
My need for "instant" takes a back seat at this point. Obviously the refining and growing process Christ has for me at this time is REALLY a process - not just something that happens overnight. (Go figure ;0)
My husband was up when I got home last night - after a few false starts we were able to have a very good conversation. I am so thankful to Jesus for that. I know He was moving me and tempering me because I asked Him to. "Ask and you shall receive, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened to you." Matthew 11:23 (i think). So, good steps forward when I stopped to see things from my husband's perspective. As difficult as it is to admit I do have some culpability in our issues these last few weeks. I did not create the precipitating event, but I have reacted in ways that were out of anxiety, fear, self preservation that have not been for the good of my marriage and support of my husband.
Again, it all comes back to grace.
Thank you, Jesus, for continuing to guide me and teach me even when I am difficult to stop.
I love Jesus. I so appreciate His timing - just when I think He has forgotten me or didn't hear me, He steps in once again. Despite my fear - fear that is confessed and fear that I want to be rid of. I see now the only way to be rid of that fear is to let Jesus' voice and promises become louder in my mind and soul. Sometimes that is specifically through His word - through reading the Bible and spending time with Him - sometimes He gives a word through someone else - and sometimes - just like in a pinball game - He provides buffers to get us back on course. Reminders of who He is and what power He does have - reminders of His love, promises, and provisions no matter what the enemy or our flesh is attempting to get us off track with.
Thank you, Jesus. Thank you for my friends, for meetings, for church, and for your continued patience with me in my growing.
I had the opportunity to spend face to face time with a friend that knows me and my husband very well last night. She is another person God has used in these past weeks to steer me back on course, to calm my anxiety, remind me of what I know of Christ's promises for me and my life, and give me practical and timely advice about not over reacting in my moments of fear.
I also got to attend a meeting last night that I haven't been a part of in over 10 years. Wow. What a necessary reminder to me and my life right now. Have I really become a "snob". By that I mean - thinking I didn't need others - to be reminded of what could be and has been and what needs to be during such a time as this? I am so thankful for the group I got to meet with last night - a true reminder that all my searching, trying to figure things out, and plans, and questioning is such a huge waste of time and anxiety builder. A definite reminder that I don't just surrender my will to Christ once and that is it, but that it may be something I have to do hour by hour as I try and fall into the same old patterns of interaction.
My need for "instant" takes a back seat at this point. Obviously the refining and growing process Christ has for me at this time is REALLY a process - not just something that happens overnight. (Go figure ;0)
My husband was up when I got home last night - after a few false starts we were able to have a very good conversation. I am so thankful to Jesus for that. I know He was moving me and tempering me because I asked Him to. "Ask and you shall receive, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened to you." Matthew 11:23 (i think). So, good steps forward when I stopped to see things from my husband's perspective. As difficult as it is to admit I do have some culpability in our issues these last few weeks. I did not create the precipitating event, but I have reacted in ways that were out of anxiety, fear, self preservation that have not been for the good of my marriage and support of my husband.
Again, it all comes back to grace.
Thank you, Jesus, for continuing to guide me and teach me even when I am difficult to stop.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Just in Time
Something I evidently have to be reminded of more and more often over these last months is that Jesus is with me. He is not at all suprised by my circumstances. He already knew exactly what I would do even before I was born. The thing is, I often let myself get bogged down by the "right now". The trees so to speak. Jesus sees the forest I am walking through and He will never leave me or forsake me. It is promised by Him to me. So, no matter what deceit my thoughts try for - being manipulated by the Master Manipulator - I choose to focus on what God's word says and promises.
Psalm 139:7-10 "Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the Heavens, you are there. If I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, EVEN THERE YOUR HAND WILL GUIDE ME!! Your right hand will HOLD ME FAST!"
So, as my pastor's wife read this as a word Jesus asked her to share with the church last night, I knew Jesus was not only speaking to others, but even more specifically to me. I knew that as I had been praying throughout the day and into the service about needing something from Him, He met me there and gave it to me. Psalm 139 goes on to talk about the fact that He knew me before I was born - and all that would happen with me - BEFORE I was even born!
Let's think about that for a moment. So, Jesus knew that I would steal lip gloss from Big B Drugs as an 8 year old, but still loved me enough to die on the cross? He knew I would be tormented by my younger brother and get into mean physical altercations with all my siblings, yet still loved me enough to die. He knew that I would treat my mom with the utmost of disrespect growing up, but still provided loving guiding hands to steer me toward Him. He knew that I would have a tendency to ignore the obvious - mainly because it is easier - and yet still enabled me to finish high school with honors, and complete my college degree. He knew that I would forgive my parents for all perceived wrongs - mainly because He has loved and forgiven me and my heart is not as heavy since I have. He, because He loves me, has allowed me to go through many personally difficult times because of choices made by others in my life and myself - because when I was able to look back on those things I was given the gift of seeing how they have shaped me mainly for the good - and He saw it all the whole time. Some of the things I went through as a teen and young adult have left scars that have yet to be dealt with by Him - He has been waiting on me. A dear friend reminded me that Jesus doesn't want to just heal me and have the scar remain - He wants to come into my heart and life - scrape out the old 'gunk' and scar area and LEAVE ME WHOLE!! Why? Because He loves me. He created me for a purpose and wants me to be able to fulfill that purpose. If I stay open to His direction and His love - ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE!!
So, I DO believe my marriage will be completely restored beyond my wildest dreams - and OH! what a marvelous testimony awaits us on that day!
I do believe that although I did not choose where I am right now - that Jesus knew, way before me, and has been preparing me, leading me, guiding me - all in an effort to make me stronger in Him, to do His will, and to fulfill the purpose He has on my life.
Right now, for this season, that purpose appears to be a wife and a mother and I will not go down without a serious fight in either category. Does that mean some scars will have to be dug out? Probably - and I am sure the pain may get worse before it gets better, but, Jesus is RIGHT HERE WITH ME. Does that also mean I am going to have to develop healthier strategies to cope? besides eating or whining to others? You betcha!
My seat belt is fastened, my heart is open, my voice is calling and my spirit is so willing! GO JESUS!!! Show me what you have for my life and my family!!
Psalm 139:7-10 "Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the Heavens, you are there. If I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, EVEN THERE YOUR HAND WILL GUIDE ME!! Your right hand will HOLD ME FAST!"
So, as my pastor's wife read this as a word Jesus asked her to share with the church last night, I knew Jesus was not only speaking to others, but even more specifically to me. I knew that as I had been praying throughout the day and into the service about needing something from Him, He met me there and gave it to me. Psalm 139 goes on to talk about the fact that He knew me before I was born - and all that would happen with me - BEFORE I was even born!
Let's think about that for a moment. So, Jesus knew that I would steal lip gloss from Big B Drugs as an 8 year old, but still loved me enough to die on the cross? He knew I would be tormented by my younger brother and get into mean physical altercations with all my siblings, yet still loved me enough to die. He knew that I would treat my mom with the utmost of disrespect growing up, but still provided loving guiding hands to steer me toward Him. He knew that I would have a tendency to ignore the obvious - mainly because it is easier - and yet still enabled me to finish high school with honors, and complete my college degree. He knew that I would forgive my parents for all perceived wrongs - mainly because He has loved and forgiven me and my heart is not as heavy since I have. He, because He loves me, has allowed me to go through many personally difficult times because of choices made by others in my life and myself - because when I was able to look back on those things I was given the gift of seeing how they have shaped me mainly for the good - and He saw it all the whole time. Some of the things I went through as a teen and young adult have left scars that have yet to be dealt with by Him - He has been waiting on me. A dear friend reminded me that Jesus doesn't want to just heal me and have the scar remain - He wants to come into my heart and life - scrape out the old 'gunk' and scar area and LEAVE ME WHOLE!! Why? Because He loves me. He created me for a purpose and wants me to be able to fulfill that purpose. If I stay open to His direction and His love - ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE!!
So, I DO believe my marriage will be completely restored beyond my wildest dreams - and OH! what a marvelous testimony awaits us on that day!
I do believe that although I did not choose where I am right now - that Jesus knew, way before me, and has been preparing me, leading me, guiding me - all in an effort to make me stronger in Him, to do His will, and to fulfill the purpose He has on my life.
Right now, for this season, that purpose appears to be a wife and a mother and I will not go down without a serious fight in either category. Does that mean some scars will have to be dug out? Probably - and I am sure the pain may get worse before it gets better, but, Jesus is RIGHT HERE WITH ME. Does that also mean I am going to have to develop healthier strategies to cope? besides eating or whining to others? You betcha!
My seat belt is fastened, my heart is open, my voice is calling and my spirit is so willing! GO JESUS!!! Show me what you have for my life and my family!!
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
the Process....
So, during this time of refining by God, I seem to take giant leaps forward and then fall back again - back into the pattern of listening to fear, uncertainty, and desperately wanting everything to just "go back". Back to what? Back to "before". I don't have a specific time period - maybe before March of this year. March is the time I sensed a change within me and my house. Not for the better either which is probably why I am in the mess I am in today. I know that God is trying to use this time to change my heart - make me more like Him - I asked for that, right? So, why am I whining? Why am I wishing to "go back"? I am making a concerted effort to reach out to my friends - those that have been friends for a long time and even my newer friends. It is so interesting to me how - whether by design or happenstance - the majority of these friends do not really have time to listen to me whine - and I know that - so I don't. Which brings me back to God - where I need to be anyway.
So, as I am trying to wait on God, hear God, and wait for healing I am constantly looking around and trying to figure out what I can be doing to help - I am not, after all, an idle person. I like action. I need to see progress.
Maybe this is my problem. People cannot move on my schedule all the time - and God is no different. I want something specific that says "this" will never happen again. Hurts will not occur in this area - everything will be fine.
When I let my "flesh" loose so to speak - I find my fear runs rampant - I obsess about things, don't get much sleep - am distrustful - protective and very walled off. This is not healthy. I also get irritable with no sleep - and less patient with those around me - and bless their souls - they have no idea what I am going through and it is not their fault.
So, this weekend I spent time with my husband cleaning out the garage, fixing up the kids' rooms, watching movies - but Sunday night it all crept back up - like a clinging sludge that I can't get off me. I analyze everything, know in my gut something is off, but allow myself to be easily swayed that nothing is wrong - and then it comes back again - knock it down, it grows back.
By Monday I figured the best thing to do is just ask no questions, keep my mouth shut in general and go about my business. This isn't working - sure there are no questions, accusations, or lies, but there is also no communication or involvement and there is continued building of resentment on both parts. I see it, feel it, but have no idea how to change it or the course I am on.
So, I cry out to God - more and more - for me, for him, for my kids, for my family.
I am re-reading The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian. GREAT information and encouragement, but also overwhelming and seems impossible - Is it really that easy? I can read a book, say a few prayers, and all is well?
Evidently not. I need God to supernaturally give me patience where I have none!! I need a serious intervention. I need a women's Bible Study with other women who are supportive, not judgemental, and are encouraging. People that have walked where I am walking and have lived to tell about it - the good the bad and the ugly.
I am not sure right now if we will survive "the process" of refinement in tact as a couple. I want to. I need to. I do not want my children to grow up without a father - not just a father, but an actively seeking God's face kind of father - in the home. I also love my husband and want to be married to him.
Yes, I know God cares about me, I know He has a purpose for me and all circumstances I go through, but sometimes - down in the dregs, I feel like I am just a drop in His never ending bucket. I really don't know what I need right now. I would like to think I do, but I don't. I do need to constantly remember that what satan is trying to tell me is such a fat lie - God does care about me and I do matter - even what I am going through today.
So, as I am trying to wait on God, hear God, and wait for healing I am constantly looking around and trying to figure out what I can be doing to help - I am not, after all, an idle person. I like action. I need to see progress.
Maybe this is my problem. People cannot move on my schedule all the time - and God is no different. I want something specific that says "this" will never happen again. Hurts will not occur in this area - everything will be fine.
When I let my "flesh" loose so to speak - I find my fear runs rampant - I obsess about things, don't get much sleep - am distrustful - protective and very walled off. This is not healthy. I also get irritable with no sleep - and less patient with those around me - and bless their souls - they have no idea what I am going through and it is not their fault.
So, this weekend I spent time with my husband cleaning out the garage, fixing up the kids' rooms, watching movies - but Sunday night it all crept back up - like a clinging sludge that I can't get off me. I analyze everything, know in my gut something is off, but allow myself to be easily swayed that nothing is wrong - and then it comes back again - knock it down, it grows back.
By Monday I figured the best thing to do is just ask no questions, keep my mouth shut in general and go about my business. This isn't working - sure there are no questions, accusations, or lies, but there is also no communication or involvement and there is continued building of resentment on both parts. I see it, feel it, but have no idea how to change it or the course I am on.
So, I cry out to God - more and more - for me, for him, for my kids, for my family.
I am re-reading The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian. GREAT information and encouragement, but also overwhelming and seems impossible - Is it really that easy? I can read a book, say a few prayers, and all is well?
Evidently not. I need God to supernaturally give me patience where I have none!! I need a serious intervention. I need a women's Bible Study with other women who are supportive, not judgemental, and are encouraging. People that have walked where I am walking and have lived to tell about it - the good the bad and the ugly.
I am not sure right now if we will survive "the process" of refinement in tact as a couple. I want to. I need to. I do not want my children to grow up without a father - not just a father, but an actively seeking God's face kind of father - in the home. I also love my husband and want to be married to him.
Yes, I know God cares about me, I know He has a purpose for me and all circumstances I go through, but sometimes - down in the dregs, I feel like I am just a drop in His never ending bucket. I really don't know what I need right now. I would like to think I do, but I don't. I do need to constantly remember that what satan is trying to tell me is such a fat lie - God does care about me and I do matter - even what I am going through today.
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