Yes! That is precisely what I am in the middle of - an awakening- spiritually. I just don't think I can accurately describe how I am feeling inside. I am excited and apprehensive all at the same time. Is that even possible?
Guess, so.
In an earlier post I referred to it as a 'makeover'. That would work for a description, too. I am going through the "fire", "toil", "weeding", etc., to become exactly as God would have me be for the follow through with His will for my life. But, I have to be willing first. Willing to follow Him. Willing to stay. Willing to even stay in life. So often I see people around me that literally give up. They numb themselves with either substances, food (uh, yeah, me too), or whatever - OR they kill themselves.
I know that God allows free will in us as humans. Sometimes your 'will' steps all over mine - especially when I think my will is right. What I am learning is that even though I think I have the best and most free thing to offer others - that information is not always what that person needs right then, from me. Also, unless you are ready - you won't be able to receive it. So, prayer is so very important.
I think I have often felt in the past "I need to DO something, prayer is good, but action is better." How wrong I often was. Yes, some things take action, but so many times I should have stopped and prayed - not just in the middle of the crisis, but before it happened. Not that my prayers will PREVENT anything - His will always prevails - but if I stay focused on me then I know I will be prepared. Preparation is so important - there is a verse in Proverbs that says "where there is no vision the people perish". How true is that for me and my life?
So, through saying all of this - what it boils down to is "I am powerless". I am powerless over so many things, but there is also a certain freedom in that - I am not responsible for anyone or anything except what I am directly in charge of. Me, my job, my children (to an extent), and my choices. I am so thankful for that and for this process of 'Awakening' He is taking me through!!
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
With Me
So, this past weekend I asked my husband to move out. Not because I was angry. Not because I don't love him. Instead it was because his decisions were putting our family unit in jeopardy. By this I mean that he was making decisions with himself and my kids that could have devastating consequences. I could not and would not condone or enable that. So, no fussing, no fighting, I just asked him to pack and go. He did.
In his condition he said some very hurtful things to me. I listened, but God truly tempered my response and I didn't lash back with hurtful words to him. I am not bragging - I am not at all perfect (not even close), but I had enough of God in me from feeding and building over these last few months that I knew that what I said to my kids ("be kind to others", "treat others better than you want to be treated", etc) had to be lived out at some point ;o). This was that point.
I am a nurturer by nature. I direct things and situations very well (*cough*cough*). I know in my heart if people would just listen to me (uhh, okay - yeah - right) then things could be so much more simple. 90% of issues between friends, family, etc. stems from poor communication (listening - even more- than talking). I like to "fix" things.
Well, nothing to bring you to your knees (literally) before God than to have a marital/family crisis. Nothing like having those very things start going wrong inside my nuclear family.
I have never been so delusional as to believe that we, as a married couple/family unit, were perfect. No - not at all. But I really did think that as a couple we had already had "our share"(of issues) so to speak - early on in our marriage. Evidently not. There are still things God wants to work out in me, and in us, that require some more 'firing'.
I don't like it, but I do appreciate the knowledge that the 'end result' will be far more than I could have hoped for or imagined if I remain focused on Him.
All this DESPITE what others around me are doing - It doesn't matter!!! I am not responsible for them and they are not responsible for me. I have to give an account one day and I have to be able to look at Christ and know that in my heart I meant well and tried my best to lead others to Him. But really? It all comes back to being 'with Him' and Him providing His grace!
In his condition he said some very hurtful things to me. I listened, but God truly tempered my response and I didn't lash back with hurtful words to him. I am not bragging - I am not at all perfect (not even close), but I had enough of God in me from feeding and building over these last few months that I knew that what I said to my kids ("be kind to others", "treat others better than you want to be treated", etc) had to be lived out at some point ;o). This was that point.
I am a nurturer by nature. I direct things and situations very well (*cough*cough*). I know in my heart if people would just listen to me (uhh, okay - yeah - right) then things could be so much more simple. 90% of issues between friends, family, etc. stems from poor communication (listening - even more- than talking). I like to "fix" things.
Well, nothing to bring you to your knees (literally) before God than to have a marital/family crisis. Nothing like having those very things start going wrong inside my nuclear family.
I have never been so delusional as to believe that we, as a married couple/family unit, were perfect. No - not at all. But I really did think that as a couple we had already had "our share"(of issues) so to speak - early on in our marriage. Evidently not. There are still things God wants to work out in me, and in us, that require some more 'firing'.
I don't like it, but I do appreciate the knowledge that the 'end result' will be far more than I could have hoped for or imagined if I remain focused on Him.
All this DESPITE what others around me are doing - It doesn't matter!!! I am not responsible for them and they are not responsible for me. I have to give an account one day and I have to be able to look at Christ and know that in my heart I meant well and tried my best to lead others to Him. But really? It all comes back to being 'with Him' and Him providing His grace!
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Rough Weekend
So, I just got through, about two hours ago, tucking in my six year old. Tate is such a sweet soul. The girls, Tate, and I spent time tonight literally on our knees intervening for their dad and our family unit.
This weekend was very tough for all of us. I asked my husband - the man I love- to leave. Why? Because his choices were coming between us - causing problems where before I had not recognized them. Again - God is allowing my "wax" to be melted - not only in my personal life, but also in me.
So, my six year old told me earlier that he wanted to be my "hair artist". Meaning he wanted to curl my hair. He had spent a little time watching the girls practice with the sponge rollers tonight and decided after building a car out of the same rollers - that mommy needed a makeover. It was great - I must have really been in need because soon all three were making me over. After all was almost done, Tate looked at me and said - in words wiser than his years - "I wanted to do this to take my mind off missing Daddy."
I completely understood.
How appropriate that he chose a "makeover" as a way to do that. That is what I feel like I am in the midst of right now - a life changing "make over". I can honestly say that my prayers about wanting God to remove from me the anger that has been coming and going lately has really happened. I am no longer angry - at my husband or my situation - I see most of my part in this drama that is our life right now, but I pray that all will be revealed as I can handle it and deal with it in a Christ like and healthy way.
Today at church the pastor was out and we had his home church pastor - Larry Stockstill come and speak to us. I had just completed my connection card with my prayer requests on it - which included asking God to keep me in line with His will - not mine- when Pastor Stockstill gave us the title of the sermon - which was all about being in line with God's will - so we don't miss our "assignment". Amen!
How on time is God in my life lately? Probably always, but I haven't looked as much for it as recently. I am so very thankful. Thankful for friends that despite absences and neglect on my part - love me and help me and pray with me. I am also so thankful for my children - and the reminders because of them and our current situation - that my past was important for my future - no matter what I may have felt like all this time. Wow - so, so very thankful!!
So, as I was tucking Tate in and kissing him on the head - he looked at me and asked me, "Is Daddy stuck in the mud that already got the sticks?" As I smiled at his interpretation - or hearing of -my earlier prayer I explained, "Yes - satan is trying to keep his daddy stuck in the miry muck of lies, but that we are praying against that and for complete 'unsticking' of his daddy." He nodded and went to sleep. I think I will, too.
This weekend was very tough for all of us. I asked my husband - the man I love- to leave. Why? Because his choices were coming between us - causing problems where before I had not recognized them. Again - God is allowing my "wax" to be melted - not only in my personal life, but also in me.
So, my six year old told me earlier that he wanted to be my "hair artist". Meaning he wanted to curl my hair. He had spent a little time watching the girls practice with the sponge rollers tonight and decided after building a car out of the same rollers - that mommy needed a makeover. It was great - I must have really been in need because soon all three were making me over. After all was almost done, Tate looked at me and said - in words wiser than his years - "I wanted to do this to take my mind off missing Daddy."
I completely understood.
How appropriate that he chose a "makeover" as a way to do that. That is what I feel like I am in the midst of right now - a life changing "make over". I can honestly say that my prayers about wanting God to remove from me the anger that has been coming and going lately has really happened. I am no longer angry - at my husband or my situation - I see most of my part in this drama that is our life right now, but I pray that all will be revealed as I can handle it and deal with it in a Christ like and healthy way.
Today at church the pastor was out and we had his home church pastor - Larry Stockstill come and speak to us. I had just completed my connection card with my prayer requests on it - which included asking God to keep me in line with His will - not mine- when Pastor Stockstill gave us the title of the sermon - which was all about being in line with God's will - so we don't miss our "assignment". Amen!
How on time is God in my life lately? Probably always, but I haven't looked as much for it as recently. I am so very thankful. Thankful for friends that despite absences and neglect on my part - love me and help me and pray with me. I am also so thankful for my children - and the reminders because of them and our current situation - that my past was important for my future - no matter what I may have felt like all this time. Wow - so, so very thankful!!
So, as I was tucking Tate in and kissing him on the head - he looked at me and asked me, "Is Daddy stuck in the mud that already got the sticks?" As I smiled at his interpretation - or hearing of -my earlier prayer I explained, "Yes - satan is trying to keep his daddy stuck in the miry muck of lies, but that we are praying against that and for complete 'unsticking' of his daddy." He nodded and went to sleep. I think I will, too.
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