These past two weeks I have been taking the time to focus on me. What I want for me, my body, my marriage, my kids, my life. What I hope my legacy will be to those coming behind me, etc. These are things I have thought on in the past - and will continue to re-evaluate in the future I am sure, but these past two weeks have been different.
A friend, named Lucy, gave me a journal that she decorated the front with jewels and my name. Inside she simply wrote, "It is time for a new chapter." She later told me God gave her that word for me. I have thought about that, asked God what he meant and have just pondered. During this time I have also been literally cleaning out closets - mine and the kids - letting go of things I thought I would wear one day - things I can remember wearing before, etc. It is something every larger person has done - held on to what was. How significant is that in my whole life? I have held on to how things "used to be" with my husband and me - instead of focusing on "how much better they are gonna be", I have focused on "what I didn't have" instead of thanking God for all that I did have before it, too, was gone. Yeah - I have had moments that I have paused and really been thankful after someone has lost a child and then I focus on spending more time with mine - or after my grandfather died - I have been more aware of what people leave behind - in stuff and memories. (By the way - I don't want mine to be just about stuff - hence the closets being cleaned out.)
So I joined Lucy and MH in exercise classes at the local church for free. Zumba classes. LOVE THEM!!
and began going twice a week. Well, my second night of going this lady from the church that lets us have class there came up to the teacher of our class (now picture 200 women sitting on the floor of a gym about to start class with music going and an older, properly dressed women comes up and begins talking to the leader of our workout group). She spent about 10-15 min talking to our leader and then they walked together around the gym and then the lady left and our instructor turned off the music and let us know the church was asking us to leave. We were exceeding the fire code in our number of people, using too much of their paper products in the bathroom, were asked not to bring children anymore to class, we are running up the cost of their power by using their air conditioning, etc. So, class was canceled for the week and she would be looking for a new venue for us to meet in. We still gathered and prayed- which is one of the main things about this group - to be a support in prayer- and then dispersed. Was I disappointed? Oh yeah. I was finally liking something that required sweating. But no big deal, right? Did I think the church was a little over the top? Uh, yeah, but what made me laugh was how many times in my life have I run into people like that? People that become more attached to the building and things in it than the people the building is holding. I really was able to see that woman as a person that had probably put a lot of time and effort into this 'house' of hers and could see where she felt possessive.
Long story short - had this woman not had her 'hissy fit' (although this was not supported by the church and our group has been reinstated there - but we voluntarily bring toilet paper and people don't bring children) - then our group wouldn't have had a break. Had that group not had a break then Lucy might not have been motivated to find a group somewhere else - which she did at a Civic Center about 25 min away. So, we all trooped over there that Saturday morning to try out that class. Then I began to become inspired. I realized I can do what I need to for me. I can get up at 4 am and drive thirty minutes for a body pump class from 5 am to 6 am and take a shower in their showers and drive 30 min back to work. I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME!!!! So, that is what I have been doing these last two weeks. This Friday rounds out week number two of exercising 6 days a week. This has led to me actually looking at what I am putting into my mouth. The women that lead the two Zumba classes have both lost over 80 pounds in the last year. One with just Zumba and diet. The other with Zumba, Body Pump and diet. I am inspired. So, since God allowed me to get an iPhone I figured I should put it to good use. I keep a log of my exact calories (right down to mayo) on it daily. I then transfer this into my journal at night. I have energy and excitement. I look forward to my day - if not necessarily to the work - I look forward to how I feel after I work out. In my mind's eye I am beginning to see me as God sees me. I guess now I want to look in the mirror and have that reflected back in every way. Not only that, but I also see it is time to set an example with my actions for my children. Not to say something and then hold myself to another standard, "because I am older", etc. That has just been an excuse to use and manipulate with.
Today I was taking out the trash at work. This is not something new for me. I have been doing this since taking this job two years ago. Today was different. I realized today I wasn't embarrassed to be taking out the trash. NOT because I have a four year college degree and I take out trash (not because I have to - I just do), but because the bags are see through. all the buildings in this parking lot are one story and glass enclosed. Everyone can see everything. Every move I feel like I am in a fish bowl. Funny thing is I am probably the only one in this whole complex that really people watches that much. Anyway - I took out the trash early this a.m. I realized halfway to the dumpster that I wasn't embarrassed of what I was carrying - I wasn't walking praying no one saw what I had in the bag. I didn't wait til the evening - put it in my car and drive it to the dumpster - I walked it.
Why is this so significant? Because to be embarrassed of your own garbage is very telling - it says we have things to hide. TruFaced is a book I read this spring that helped me begin to let go of what others think and what I think and focus on what God says. Focus on who God is. Focus on God as Abba (daddy). He already knows everything anyway - what do I think I am hiding? Just like they say in Al anon and AA - "Secrets Keep You Sick". I had a secret (not so secret) love of cookie dough, ice cream, chips and dip, diet mtn. dews, and any kind of chocolate candy - Reese's cups, mounds bars, etc - I would buy them by bags and bring them to work and share them so I could justify eating them. But then I had to walk the trash out.
I am so excited about the work that God is doing in my life. Truly from the inside out!!
Instead of ice cream I am buying sugar free jello and whipped cream. I have perfected a 50 cal bowl of both that is great and satisfying to me. Even more so when I know what I am saving in calories. I have found that a Jr. Frosty is not a punishment. I also realize that all things fat free are not good for me - I look at sugar and calories and weigh that against amount I would get to determine if I am willing to make that trade off.
Same with each choice in my day. Am I going to hound and nag? or appreciate and show love for the moment? Can I smile just because or do I have to find fault with everything? God has given my life a "do over" and I am going to get rid of the "trash" and "do it right!!"
