The Answer

So for the past five days or so I have REALLY been struggling with how to move on from here. The really scary part for me is not knowing for sure that my husband will move forward with me. He says he will, says he wants to, but I have heard all of that before and am EXTREMELY wary of believing it again. I admit some of that is my pride talking. I am tired of looking dumb (stupid, foolish - you fill in the word).
This has made me so much more aware of how little tolerance I have for weakness. Not from me or anyone else. I think I am even passing that down to my kids. Actually I have more tolerance for those outside my family - but feel that those in my family usually need to "buck up" so to speak. Life is hard. Get used to it. No time for self pity. Hmmm, well - I am not so sure this is the best approach. Does God do that to me? Sometimes I think so. He warns us that there WILL BE hard times. But He also tells us He will always be there with us, helping us through - so keep going (is what I hear on the end). I don't know. Maybe I need to better understand His rest, etc - not just His love and grace (which I am still trying to wrap my little peon brain around).
So, I have been reading books dealing with this issue. Reading, praying, looking for what I should do - how do I move forward in a healthy way - what does that look like? I went to another meeting last night - I was very thankful for what I heard and the validation I received without anyone even saying a word - just through listening to others. Then, I also received reminders that my thinking has been altered through my recent experiences, and my thinking wasn't even that great to begin with. I HAVE to let God handle my now and my future. No amount of planning, preparing, and wishing can fully make things happen or not happen as the case may be. I have to surrender.
I have to surrender this situation and most importantly MY WILL. My will is that my family stay in tact, my kids grow up in love with Jesus - with a heart for others, for my husband to completely be free of this 'demon', and that our finances not be negatively affected.
Now, God does promise in Jeremiah 29:11 that He has plans to prosper us, not to harm us - to give us hope and a future. My plans - while they may sound good and "on track" may not be His plans for me. I have to back off - stop fighting and stop planning and stop trying to control each situation for the outcome I feel is right - and give it ALL to God. ALL!!
I also have to show love to my husband even when I don't feel like it. When I feel he needs to suffer as I feel I have, or when I feel he needs to not be touched because I am angry inside - or I just don't need to say anything because silence will "get him". Really, I only hurt me.
So, today God said to me, "Now it is time to forgive him and comfort him. Otherwise he may become so discouraged that he won't be able to recover. Now show him that you still love him." 2 Corinthians 2:7-8
There is NOTHING else I needed to hear. Thank you, God.

Allowed to be tested...

So, I wrote my last post and went home to rest and spend time with my husband before the kids got home. I was not feeling well physically for a few days and was very tired.



That evening I was knocked back more than just a few steps. I knew immediately God was allowing me to be tested. To see if what I had written that day was indeed my heart. I pray with everything in me that He found me, though staggering, not at all defeated. Yes, circumstances in my immediate life were getting more difficult. The ante has been "upped" so to speak, but I do not doubt God's love for me, my husband, or my family. I KNOW His plan for my life is good. I do not think it is a coincidence that I am reading the story of Job in the One Year Bible right now, either. I am not saying my life is in as many dire straits as what Job found himself in, but the ones I am in feel like that at times. I do not curse the day I was born, but there are times I question why I got married, why I had kids, why I didn't move to another country and become a missionary. Hmmmm, lets think on that for a moment.
Really? Do I really think I could have been used that well on the mission field? Maybe.
Do I really think life on the mission field would not have been difficult? At times. But, then I would know that I was really doing it all - sacrificing, suffering (or at least my idea of), etc.,- for a "higher calling". (can you hear the choir of angels right there?)

Wow! When did I become so pious that I have the right to question God? I do know that in my life I have sought God on everything I have done since living in Texas. I did before, too, but not always. Well, maybe I didn't check with him on the child bearing - but mainly because I was told I could not have children - and *poof* there they were- so I figured God had made the decision for us so to speak. But, I digress.
So, if I truly trust God, then I trust where I am - not where maybe on some off chance I could have been. I must trust Him in the valleys of my life as well as on the mountaintops. My husband and I are such a good match for each other's personalities that I know God gave him to me. There have been moments I have wondered why, but I do know he was given to me (*smile*), just as there have been moments I have questioned if I was really meant to be a mom, but I am quickly reminded that Romans 8:28 was true yesterday, and it is true today - and then He goes on to remind me of Jeremiah 29:11 - so really, who am I to doubt? God is so much more than my feelings or circumstances.
I do love my husband, I just don't always agree with him or choices he makes that affect our family. I am struggling to allow God to show me how to submit, how to love like He loves me, and how to be a better wife and mother.

So, I do believe God called me to a mission field. It is this town I live in, the people I have come to know, but most especially my husband and my children. They are my calling for this season. I choose to stay, work things out, and be better for it so that God can use this as a testimony to His grace, His love, and His unfailing support. Not because of anything I can do for me, my husband or my children, but because of Him in my life.

Lord, I recommit to you my heart, my life, my marriage, my children - their lives and health- and that anything good fed into them is completely from You. I love you and am so happy You chose me despite all my failings. To YOU all glory is given from this 'ministry' called life you have called me to.