Week 6

So, I am at my halfway point in the program and the scale reflects a total loss of 20 pounds. I am so thankful for what I have lost and all that I know I will lose in the future. I'm more of a 'sprinter' than a ' 'marathon-er' (I know - I make up words- oh well). Have always been more of a quick fix type person. This time I find myself constantly repeating,  "one day at a time, no other gods before me, choosing today to not serve my flesh, it's the fire that refines..." I could go on, but you get it. Between marriage, kids, work, and health I find I put my planning (me essentially) on the back burner. I'm sure that deep down I believe my crown will be bigger if I do 😜 

I see that failure to plan is planning to fail. Even when I do plan and prepare good for my body foods I sometimes go to eat it and get jealous of the one eating the giant bread bowl with broccoli and cheddar soup from panera. So, I forgo the good and swan dive into that green creamy goodness followed by a bite of thick white gluey bread. *le sigh*

That swan dive was followed the next day by a trip to Krispy Kreme. Two dozen donuts later I walk away with not the item I went for - a gift card. I ate at least four of those 24. Then I suggested Taco Bell the next evening. Yep. Taco Bell with their spicy chicken frito slider and cinnamon goodness in the form of Cinnabon bites. Head into Sunday and it was mini peanut butter eggs. 

My sleep became awful again, my cravings intensified instead of satisfied, and I was bloated and gross feeling. Monday was hard. Each day I have confessed what I am feeling to my merciful Heavenly Father, and forced my flesh to take a back seat. 

So, while this week wasn't stellar for making good choices, I have once again been reminded of mercy and grace. 

Here is to week 7 coming up!

Week 5

As these weeks have gone on I have realized in tracking myself that I don't always take in enough protein daily. I have also realized that carbs - not food - are truly a problem in my life. I think about them, crave them, miss them, and mourn them. These are the 'simple carbs' I am referring to.

I am still struggling with getting to do any form of exercise. Thankfully this doctor scans my body to see if I am losing muscle, fat, or water. So far no muscle lost praise The Lord!

There are days I wish 'resisting' mentally what I want to eat would actually burn calories, lol!! 

This weigh in brought my total loss to 16 pounds, but, even better for me was realizing I could take a trip and not jump overboard to join my old habits! This was a mental milestone. So, that is one of my non-scale victories that doesn't require a tape measure, lol! :)

I did eat some onion rings one night and another day had a cream filled donut from Krispy Kreme. I did not beat myself up - I made each choice knowingly. I owned it and enjoyed it!  I sometimes look at others that are on their own wellness journey and wish mine could be 'like theirs'. Know what I mean? Like I could do similar foods and exercises and get similar benefits. With PCOS that is not the case. It amazes me how much I have underestimated it's control in my system.
In looking for answers as to why my bone isn't healing the endocrinologist explained that while I may not have a uterus I still have my ovaries and still require treatment for the PCOS until the numbers are down. 

I do admit to wishing I was different than I am - that I didn't have PCOS, that I didn't have an extremely slow metabolism, that my body could actually operate in moderation without a fight, and that my foot was TOTALLY healed!!!! 

But, that is not the road I am on. So, I will continue on this bumpy, jagged road, giving thanks for what is ahead and what is behind. 

'All things work together for the good of those that love The Lord and are called according to his purpose.' Romans 8:28

Yep, ALL THINGS. 

Week 2

I cannot even begin to describe the spiritual warfare my marriage, my children, and my heart have come under this last week. 

What satan doesn't understand is that I serve a RISEN SAVIOR!! 

I have found myself singing the name of Jesus over and over as I have gone throughout these days. God has been SO faithful! He not only has given me the gift of his word and music, but also a life and truth speaking friend that despite having zero time with 6 young children - homeschooling, laundry, meals, nighttime feedings, and a husband - she still spent invaluable precious time to LISTEN to me, pray for me, and talk me off the proverbial ledge of my flesh. 

Verses of her friendship toward me: 

Proverbs 27:5-6; Ecclesiastes 4:9-10; John 15:13( and oh she has, so many times); Proverbs 17:17 and she is definitely a sister in my heart. 

Though many miles separate us she has never ever let that stop her from staying in touch. Me? I'm not at all the best friend she could have- I forget birthdays, don't hand write letters anymore, and haven't seen her outside of pictures in too too long. But, still she is a friend as close as a sister. She has a true Mary heart while I tend to rush around and complain like Martha. 

With her by my side a phone call away, we have stood in agreement against the evil that has dared to darken my families' door. The healing will continue as the days move forward, but I know for sure God is right here- upholding me with his righteous right hand- because He has shown me through 'Mary's' friendship. 

She reminded me God is peace - not confusion. He is working in the heavenlies against this attack. God alone is the author of my story, perfecter of my faith. In Him I have every weapon at my disposal. 

I have repeatedly used food as my 'god' for comfort and companionship. It has helped create a barrier between me and anything that might be difficult to do or face. As you know last week I talked about the changes happening in me and my life with regard to food. This attack against my family is just another layer - and I have wanted to bury my head my anger and all my other swirling emotions in food this week. Then by doing so it could all be about me because then I could focus on what a lousy person I am because I can't even stick to a plan. Makes me unloveable you know. 

But, digging deeper into the Word and worship helped me with my flesh. Not only did I not jump off that 'flesh cliff of anger', but I also didn't allow my real flesh to take over. I stuck to my plan - prayed through it- talked it over - and lost ten pounds.

I was floored. 

So, my walk continues and I have only just begun week two. 

I love Jesus. His mercy is truly everlasting. He is ALWAYS FAITHFUL. Just pray.

My Journey Continues

Today I met with Dr. F and his staff. Keep in mind that my battle with my PCOS, food (mainly carbs) addiction and weight are ongoing. Like daily.

After teaching Zumba and REFIT for a total of four years combined, I chose to take a break and focus on my kids and husband and this short short time I have left with my kids still at home. 

Well, things have not gone exactly as planned. After a few months of doing that - ball games, meetings, dates, and school functions- I took a tumble down my stairs. I broke my big toe. 

I ended up having surgery to repair a hammer toe and remove my bunion on the injured foot. Why? Because I needed it done, but would have put it off til I died had it not been for the fact I had to wear a boot anyway. 

So here I am two surgeries, two plates, 9 screws later - on the same foot- and 6 months post fall and still unable to bear weight per doctors orders. 

I have at last count put on 33 pounds since the fall. I battled a period of depression around October and November of this past year. I have beat myself up over falling down the stairs, going ahead with surgery, feeling bad, eating worse and on and on and on. 

I have prayed and literally begged God to spontaneously heal my foot, heal my fixation with food, and in turn heal me. Altruistically I think 'THEN I can be of help to others'.

God has a sense of humor, His timing is perfect, and He began his healing of me years ago. I just am slow to catch on. 

My PCOS led to a hysterectomy in 2007. 

Ironically in mid 2008 I became anemic. Yep, AFTER the hysterectomy - way after. This led me to a wonderful hematologist named Dr. B. 

She did all kinds of tests - even looked for cancer, etc, but eventually could find no medical reason for my different blood deficiencies. I ended up having an iron infusion and different shots, etc and leveled out. After I got certified with Zumba and found Body Pump I was at one of my follow ups and she was telling me about this clinic she was going to to help her get her weight under control. I filed the info away, but was feeling pretty good because I was doing pretty good since working out consistently. I found that working out and making a few non drastic dietary changes helped me lose close to fifty pounds in 6 months. Better than the loss I LOVED my new found muscular strength. I could lift fifty pound dog food bags with no help. It was awesome! 

Fast forward through serious life altering events - illnesses, relapse in spouse, daily stressors I didn't anticipate and there was a shift in me. 

I don't want to be just fit on the outside, I really want my heart to be forever 'fit' in relationship to Christ. So, He shifted my focus. My body is a temple. Not a show piece for clothing or to show what 'I did'. No, totally a place for the love of Christ to reside and then shared with others. 

I stopped focusing on numbers and started focusing on relationships. In my family and at work and in my classes. 

But, like most women I know I haven't completely been able to turn off that comparison switch. 

My body, my marriage, my kids, my house - you name it and I have mentally compared it to those around me- in person and online. 

God was kind, though, and continued to nudge me back to Him and how He sees me. My healing was continuing I just didn't see it. 

Since the fall I have run a full out pity party at times. I celebrated at these gatherings with food and comparison (those true THIEVES) - but again God had already started the foundation years ago that brought me to today. 

Today at Dr. F's office as I stood on the body composition analysis machine I saw in bright colorful clarity the shape I have allowed my temple to get in on the outside- but it only mirrored what was already broken down on the inside. 

The nurse said something so simple yet so profound and I KNOW God was using her to continue the ongoing repair and refinement inside me. 

She said, 'Just remember, you chose to come here, you chose to take this step in caring for you, and you can choose what you do and do not do. We will never berate you, only encourage. You have the control.'

Yes, I CHOOSE this day whom I will serve. Exactly. 

No condemnation - just a simple choice. God doesn't berate me when I choose destruction to my temple. He instead stands arms open waiting for me to come to Him - for that much needed grace and those tender bandages from my latest scuffle with my flesh. 

Then the Dr came in - all tests were normal - HR, EKG, etc. 

he told me what was expected and what I can expect. He reminded me there is NO quick fix and that just like my life - my weightloss is a journey. Ups and downs will be had. I have to decide if I want the benefits of weight loss. Increased energy, increased self esteem (not the same as worth), mood enhancement, and increased sex drive, lower chance of cancer, stroke and heart attack, and just overall better health.

Yes, please. 

He stressed the need to sweat in my workouts at least 30 min three times a week - despite my bum foot. He reminded me that while I may be limited I need to do something with upper body, etc. 

The Coach in me knows this, but just like always God knew I needed this outside help and kick in the patootie. 

I am not 'starting over'. I never quit. This is a journey and God is the Author of my story. He is patient when I am not, and He uses my circumstances to get my attention at times, but also to change my perception. The shape of my heart is being gently molded as my body follows suit. 

Maybe He will use my journey to help another, I have no idea, but I do know I am RIGHT where I am supposed to be for today. 

Jeremiah 29:11 

Sixteen

Well it has happened. My eldest has turned 16. 

I have taken 16 pretty hard. New age, new level of freedom and responsibility- that much closer to leaving for college (because no doubt in my mind she will SOAR at anything God directs her to), and then there is the driving. 

Ugh. 

Driving is bittersweet. I cried for about three days before her birthday. Crazy? Well, that's already been established from my earlier posts :)

I mourned this child's birthday almost like I mourned my grandfather's cancer diagnosis. 

My first born. My first to walk and talk. My first to learn to set boundaries for. My first to learn to move over and consider someone else's needs(more difficult than I thought). My first to cry over as she cried in her crib for the first time. My first to teach about Jesus and His love, mercy, and grace. My first to see accomplish so much more than I even thought of at her age. 

My first to now drive, to date, to have her own checking account and all that comes with that. 

My heart. 

I just want to keep her close, not have to watch her struggle with the balance of life and fun and responsibility. I feel my heart pound at all that 'could' happen to her- while driving, while working, while off at college...

It's almost like when she started walking and saying 'no' and testing her independence in her tiny world 15 years ago. 

I see God's plan here - not only for me as mom, but also for her as child. The waking nights from the squished  bladder prepares you for getting up in the night with an infant. The walking for allowing falls and as a mom learning how to handle what 'could' happen in this great big bad world to this special sweet girl.

Well... I see how it all parallels and prepares. 

Just like crying in her crib for the first time I have to allow her to decide and do things that are hard on her own. Just like her walking, I have to release her to drive. Just like putting her on the school bus I have to allow her to prepare to leave and explore her world away from me. I see now eight hours that first time was NOTHING compared to the thought of weeks of not seeing her as she leaves for college. 

But, if my focus remains on the 'what-ifs' and the 'might happens' in life, I will squish her joy of all there is to explore and grow into - pain included- in her life. By the grace of God, only, I believe that although mistakes have been made in parenting at times- her dad and I have done well by her. 

She is trustworthy, reliable, beautiful inside and out, smart as all get out, and funny to boot. She knows that nothing is more important than God - and while her path will be different than mine I know she will go exactly where she is supposed to because of WHO'S she is - not 'who' she is. 

She is such a wonderful daughter - and God has so blessed me with another close behind her - just as wonderful and different as my first. 

So though my heart breaks for all I stand to lose from her spreading her wings, my heart swells for all she has in front of her!!

God states in Jeremiah 29:11(my second favorite verse), 'for I know the plans I have for you, declares The Lord; plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.'

Here she goes-into that future HE holds for her.

Blessings my sweet, sweet girl!

Love, Mom