So, just when I think I am going to 'lose it' on someone, God steps in. He - if I am asking and looking- gives me the words/reminders/songs I need to remind me of what I need to do or how to behave toward that person. Sometimes those words and directions are so very difficult to follow. Especially when I am 'right'. I so often want the other person to know I am right - and will continue on and on until they either admit I am right or just completely shut off. Yeah - not very adult and not smart at all. At least not if you really want to continue in relationship with that person. Seriously - how annoying is it to you to have someone go on and on when you don't agree with them and aren't going to change your mind no matter what they say? For me it is really annoying.
So, this week has been more of me re-learning this principle in my life. Another week of being reminded it is okay to keep my mouth shut - not because I am wrong, but because the situation is just not worth going on about. This goes back to keeping things simple, and choosing my battles - and deciding 'how important is it?' For you, the issue may be important enough to go to bat for - this time for me it isn't.
So, I kept my mouth shut, but where I feel I have failed is in allowing anger to seep in. Stewing over how 'unable to hear' - 'uncaring'- 'arrogant' - etc the other person is. I have used some very not nice words in my head to describe them also, but I will not post them for fear that will loosen my tongue and I will end up actually saying them out loud. This inability to let this anger go is extremely frustrating. I have prayed about it, cried about the hurt, etc. I am just tired. Tired of going forward and getting knocked back in areas I really thought I had learned so much in. Obviously I was wrong - there is more to learn.
Good news is that I am still willing to learn - even when I am not comfortable in the situation. I want my pride to be gone, but at the same time I am really fearful that if I let go of the anger/pride that I have then I will have nothing of my personality left. I am not saying I am an angry person all the time or so full of pride I have trouble fitting through doors. No, I do not see that as me at all - what I do see is that sometimes being right is all I have. Or so it seems. So, my prayer yesterday and today has been that God would continue to teach me my worth in Him- not what I feel I need to be worthy to the world, but to Him and His purpose He has for me. I am also praying that God would cultivate His love inside me. That it would be an automatic response to every affront. That my flesh would no longer lead the way - and when that happens pride and anger will have no home in my life.
I will tell you as I was talking with God last night about this situation once again, He reminded me that Jesus did everything He asks us to do - 'turn the other cheek, forgive 70 x 7, give everything, serve to the point of washing mud, donkey poo, and all other forms of trash off someones feet (that is serious serving), knowing His scripture inside and out, spending time with His father daily, seeking out the hardest to love and loving them'. My reply to this was from deep inside my two year old self, "yeah, God, but Jesus never had to apologize to someone. I am tired of always being the first to apologize." God's reply? "Well, yes, but Jesus didn't do anything that required an apology to others."
Of course. Point taken. So, on I go to keep on learning.
The Way of Love - I Corinthians 13:1-13 (The Message translation)
1 If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. 2If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing.
3-7If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love. Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. Love doesn't strut, Doesn't have a swelled head, Doesn't force itself on others, Isn't always "me first," Doesn't fly off the handle, Doesn't keep score of the sins of others, Doesn't revel when others grovel, Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, Puts up with anything, Trusts God always, Always looks for the best, Never looks back, But keeps going to the end.
8-10 Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incomplete will be canceled.
11When I was an infant at my mother's breast, I gurgled and cooed like any infant. When I grew up, I left those infant ways for good.
12We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!
13 But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.
As I sit here, having completed this entry, a song from my childhood comes to mind. It is a Gaither song, I think - but not really sure. I don't remember the title but it goes, "Love is never stuffed up, never puffed up, never gives up when the going's rough. It's the sweetest little word you can say by the way. It's sympathy, it's sincerity, its charity (the main variety) and everything happiness is made of." How true is this simple child's song? How interesting it is for me that music is so very much a part of how I learn - I remember things easier when set to music - God knew He designed me that way and blessed me with a grandmother that filled me to overflowing with songs to fall back on. I can still see and hear her playing the piano, singing, directing us - those are some of my best childhood memories!
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