Last night my husband let us all know that he will be moving out today. He admits he cannot control this disease and needs help to do so. There was a lot more said, feelings hurt, and tears shed, but ultimately he is correct. HE cannot control this. I cannot control this. I cannot fix it for him. He has to surrender - daily - and admit his powerlessness over this disease and so do I.
I have tried helping this to be less painful for us all, and by doing so I think I have gotten in the way. I take responsibility for the choices and decisions I have made over this past four day period. These have not been easy or comfortable decisions - at times I have wondered if I did the right thing, but then I look at my kids or my husband and realize that I have.
I am still prayerful. I am still hopeful - although at times I wonder if my hope for restoration is not in God's plan. I am still hurt, but I recognize the hurt for what it is and give the anger to God - my Comforter, Strength, and Provider - when it rears its ugly head.
I pray he does move out and gets the help he needs and that restoration IS the plan. Surrender is needed. Words are good, action is also good - but surrender is needed to help open the heart for God to reshape and realign- and then actions that come from that newly shaped heart will be more trustworthy.
One of the alanon slogans is that as members we come to share our "experience, strength, and hope". I have taken and taken from others in the group - their experiences, their strength gained, and cling to the hope they share. I have had my moments of being able to share within the group, too.
Last night I was able to share with my children my experience, my strength (God), and my hope (promises God gives us in His word). The experiences I had as a child in a divorced family were not always bad - although that is what is most easily remembered. The times that stick out for me as being "bad" were more times of embarassment about what was going on or how my dad was behaving, etc - Last night was like a flashback to that. My husband sitting the kids down - letting them know he was leaving - throwing some jabs my way - but then attempting to reel them back. My dad did something very similar. I knew what the kids were feeling because I had been there. It is not where I ever envisioned my kids to be, but I also was able to show them how God had provided for me during that time, what I experienced, and what I realized years later. I encouraged them to continue to draw closer to God on a daily basis and not to let the enemy take over their thoughts - to concentrate on what is right, pure, uplifting......
I then went back to Hebrews as prompted from a friend. I have been reading on who God is lately - but the chapters I read last night reminded me of what Jesus did for me and how he has experienced exactly what I am going through. My pastor is also doing a series right now that is almost mimicking my daily walk and is so timely for me and my children.
I am so thankful to God for knowing where I would be this week and what I would be needing - and providing it. I am also so thankful to God for hearing my cries and prayers for my husband and my children during this time, but also for myself. I am so very thankful for a past I have mostly considered negative, but that same past is allowing me to know for certain that God is here, is listening, and does use all things for my good. He will continue to do so, too.
Like I told my kids last night - we may be uncomfortable at times - and especially right now - but the closer we draw to God he draws closer to us. As I was also reminded by my friend- as we interceed for their dad - Jesus is before the throne interceding on our behalf.
I am so richly blessed to have friends now and in the past that God has handpicked and placed around me to buffer me on this road of life - that as I start to slide down or off they push and prod me back into place. Sometimes this is physical - most times it is through speaking the truth in love.
I pray you have a blessed day and that you are filled with joy at the works God is doing in your life!!!
