Dear Jesus,
I am writing this to you tonight - not because you aren't already aware, but because I believe transparency with myself and you is necessary to move on.
For months I have been letting a hurt to fester - actually one of many. That has allowed me to focus only on the negative about this person for a while now. It has been eating at me - my heart has literally been sick. I have stopped spending time with those i love most - I find fault with little things so easily, and I have allowed myself to pity my situation. After all - no matter how much those around me think they understand - they really can't - I have believed this - not only about them, but you also.
Jesus, please forgive me for my anger - please remove my bitterness. Please open my heart and eyes to view those around me with your love - through your eyes and with your compassion. Lord Jesus, please help me to allow myself to be loved by you. Truly loved.
I have thought I understood this at times- but today heard a message from our associate pastor that really started my heart opening. Granted - the enemy has been also fighting mightily for me to remain angry - and i have found more reasons - even today, despite my "resolve" not to.
Jesus, I have known for a long long time that I cannot go further in my life or my marriage without your help. Some days I am not sure I even want to. I have the Love Dare - got through it pretty well the first time, along with countless other books to "help" me with my marriage. Only to be hurt repeatedly. This August I think inside I truly reached a place that "broke". My heart broke, my desire to keep trying broke, my positive outlook on my situation broke and I feel broken inside. I have tried prayer, talking with others, singing, exercising - but most days I don't even want to get out of bed. I know you already know all of this - I guess I am just wondering when it will all "lift" so to speak. Then today in the message I heard him talking about you being strapped to the pole, on your knees - most likely naked - or at least shirtless - being whipped repeatedly with the "cat of nine tails" for me. You could have said, "Okay - enough" at like 27 like the pastor pointed out - you could have said, 'I think I have had enough' and quit. I know that you have the power - the angels were waiting just for that exactly I believe. But you didn't.
Do you know how much I can identify with that? I feel almost sick to my stomach likening what I am going through to what you endured, but thinking of the fact that you could have called it off but didn't - makes me stop and think about my own desire to give up - so very often. On my marriage, on my everything. Too often I hear myself asking, "what is the point?" What a weenie, huh?
And yet, once again I heard something today that I so desperately needed reminding of - not the, "you know God loves you", or "pray about it" or any of the other many well meaning things that have been said to me in meetings and by friends - those things are all true, but not what my heart needed. Today what I heard was that God sees me through the blood of Christ - the ULTIMATE rose colored glasses so to speak.
He sees the potential in me when I struggle to see anything.
I have so been mired in this anger, justified pity, and bitterness toward my husband that I have let it effect almost every other interaction I have had in the last four months.
I have been in such a deep pit of despair - I have cried more tears than I know what to do with - I have pressed on - praying and hoping - needing some sort of "sign".
I was almost convinced that I didn't deserve a sign- or anything else- since I couldn't "shake this off" and "let go and let God". This sounds so simple and yet this has been the absolute most difficult thing i have done in my life to date.
I have been steeped in fear - I have been ashamed of this and this has kept me down and held back. I have NOT been trusting God. I have not trusted his promises to me - although I repeat the verses like a mantra - I have only allowed the meaning to scratch the surface. Jesus, reading about what Paul said in Corinthians, Galatians and Ephesians tonight sealed it all for me. Nothing is an accident. Your word is my "sign". You have asked me to trust you - you suffered for me, bled for me, died for me and only wanted my love and devotion in return - but here i have been thinking only of myself - poor, pitiful me - how hard things have been, what if it all happens again?, what if I lose everything this time?, what if.....
You have been standing here the whole time - sometimes riding along side me in this battle - going ahead - fighting for me - sometimes carrying me - but never once have you left me - I just stopped looking for you - so caught up in myself I have been.
Please, Lord, forgive me. Help me TRULY understand and sit with how much you love me. Help me to see my potential through you - and if I can't - help me to never give up my faith in you and your Word. Finally, Jesus, please help me to see my husband as you do - the good that you see - the potential for us. I want a miracle this Christmas.
Love,
Me
