God's Comfort

It is so easy to say you believe in God and trust in God - until your faith is tested through trials and tribulations. Then the rubber meets the road so to speak.

This week has been a continuation of testing and chances for my faith and trust to be built in God. Not only that, but also I have been given the opportunity on numerous occasions to see how God has used things and people from my past to minister to my now. He consistently amazes me. Not only does he use past people and life experience to feed the now - He also uses those that I have come to know since being in this town to teach me, bless me, meet physical, spiritual, and emotional needs right when I have needed it. I will say God has allowed me to be uncomfortable enough to get my attention. This is not always enjoyable - actually - this has not been very enjoyable at all except when I DO pay attention in these times I completely see the hand of God. There is a quote I read in a devotion for those that are members of Al-Anon. "Once again I had to sit and feel the discomfort of letting go." How true this has been for me. I am sure some of you have felt the same over various circumstances in life. When we think we have a handle on things - or when we think we know the answer and how things should play out to be the best for everyone. Something happens, though, reminds you that control is an illusion, and things around us are not what or where our focus and hearts should be - but our hearts should be focused on God and His characteristics.......like consistency and steadfastness...provider....comforter....healer. The list is longer - but you get the idea.

Last night I was concerned about my oldest daughter. I call her "Boo". It is just a nickname - don't know why or from where - it has just always been. Anyway - as a mom you want your kids to have things they want within reason. Like a certain jacket or pair of jeans - or in this case - tennis shoes. But, realistically you know that if you spend that much on a pair of shoes then you have to go without something else - like internet for a month. Well, Boo has gotten to the point that I don't think she even tells me really what she most desires anymore because she figures we can't get it right now anyway. But see how God has provided...Buckle jeans (found some for less than a third of the price at a local consignment store)....Ugg boots (my sister had some she was willing for Boo to have - not the color Boo wanted, but even that turned out good. I had to talk her into trying them - because they were orange- and she really didn't want to - but did - then lo and behold! She came home and talked so long about how everyone looooved her boots, where did she get them, etc....I of course smiled)......Crocs (her sister bought the real ones for her).....and so on. So the most recent desire has been for Converse tennis shoes. She hasn't been harping on them like Moo has - but like I said - I think that is because she is feeling the financial pinch so to speak. A child came in our office the other day with some really cute hot pink fake converse on - she had gotten them at Dollar General. I left work a little early and decided to see if I could find Moo and Boo some at the DG. The first one didn't have any in Moo's size, but had ONE pair in Boo's - in bright blue - wasn't really even sure she wanted some - but got them. Then at the next DG there were none, but being a persistent mom, I began checking the packed boxes in the shoe section - found some pink and green camo ones for Moo and a pair of tan slide on shoes for Tate! WooHooo! So, that afternoon I was able to surprise them with it all. Moo was disappointed they weren't the color she wanted - but was happy enough and Tate was overjoyed (he really likes shoes), Boo - hard to read - I couldn't really tell if she liked them or not - she said she did, but her body language also said, "they are okay, whatever." So, I was disappointed - Moo's and Tate's were too big - Boo's fit great.

So, I was telling my friend that I really felt Boo said she liked them so as to not disappoint me. I didn't want that - I want Boo to say definitively what she does and does not like/want. I do not want her just trying to put herself second in order to please people or try and make them happy or go with the flow. Keep in mind I do know that compromise is essential to every good relationship, and that the ability to go with the flow is vital. I just want her to want things from her heart and not because she feels that will make people happy.

So - her heart is what I was concerned about - and that led to the whole, "I'm not sure I am being a good mom during this season in my family." My friend assured me that I am - she reminded me I am teaching them about God, what the Bible says, and they are watching love and mercy in action in our home. I needed to hear that - and God allowed her to say it to me.

Then, I got home and here is the note left on the bed by my 12 year old, 6th grade, Boo...

"Mom,

Hey, I just wanted to say I love you. I'm not really sure if this is correct I do this or not (yes, these are her words and exactly how she wrote it), but you always give us verses. So, here's one for you: Psalms 37:7. I love you a lot!.....P.S. I'm not saying dad is evil by this verse (and a smiley face here)" She drew a big heart with an arrow running through it and at the bottom of the page she wrote,’ do not be in troubles, rise above them!'

When did she grow up? I cried without even knowing what the verse said yet, because I knew that God was reassuring me that not only did he hear my concerns earlier, but he allowed me a glimpse of what he is doing - yet again - in my children - and using that to teach me.

Thank you, Jesus, for so richly blessing me and comforting me exactly when I need it every time!!!
 
"Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes."  Psalm 37:7 (this morning she told me she meant to include verses 4-7, but still - what a treasure to see God working in my children - and to minister to me, once again, no less!)

Yesterday

Too often I think of "yesterday".  "Yesterday we had fun", "yesterday I didn't have grey hair", "yesterday I weighed less", and on and on.  I read a C.S. Lewis quote the other day, "Has this world been so kind to you that you should leave with regret?  There are better things ahead than any we leave behind." 
I have heard of "seeing your life flash before your eyes" and things like that when something tragic, or almost tragic, happens.  Yesterday, I experienced a near death experience.  Well, as near as one can come before acutally being injured or killed anyway.  I am traveling down a road in my town to get my oldest from play practice at school.  There were two men jogging on the other side of the street.  The street is winding but not too bad.  All of a sudden they jump further off the road as a car comes careening around the bend - the car misses them (barely) and swerves - heading sideways in the curve and straight at me.  At this point there is horrible screeching of tires and me just sitting there thinking, "this isn't really happening.  I am going to die." No other thoughts - no life flash - who knows - maybe that was because it was not my time to go. 
At the last second she corrects but has lost control - goes past me, hits the phone pole and goes straight into the ditch and hits the boulder. There is a loud pop as her windows shatter and her car crumples.  The joggers and myself are in shock - but finally start moving - heading up the road - Then it hits me - they may be dead, I could have been dead - those men could have been dead - and then Amy Grant starts singing in my head - Angels Watching Over Me (after reading my other posts you know enough to know my brain is strange at times).  Anyway - with Amy singing - I dial 911 and think of my kids - who would take care of them?  Who would step up when my husband is not capable right now?  My mom and sisters have too much of their own stuff - my brother has just started, really, his married life - no kids yet - and my dad wouldn't be able to either - I think my husband's daughter and her husband would step in - but would the court give them problems? there is no life insurance on me - I wonder if they can get social security?  All while on hold with 911. 
Finally, I get to find the girls in the car are not only alive - by the sheer grace of God Almighty!, but are completely uninjured!  She is a teen, late for practice, and, "so sorry".  I was not real sympathetic.  She almost killed three people and upended so many many lives for being late.
Wow! what an eye opener for a chronic speeder like me. 
I don't have to answer those questions today that came up yesterday, but I do know that my heart is praying even more for a breakthrough with my husband and his condition - that he would completely surrender and humble himself to the Lord.  I don't want to have to think about the questions from yesterday.....at least not today.

Divine Disciplinary Dealings

"It is good that I should hope in and wait quietly for the salvation (the safety and ease) of the Lord. It is good that I should bear the yoke [of divine disciplinary dealings]."

Lamentations 3:26-27 (pg 182 Joyce Meyer's book The Secret Power of Speaking God's Love)

'Divine disciplinary dealings' is what I believe I have going on. Perseverance is what I think God is building in me. Maybe not even only perseverance - maybe even consistency. That seems to be a continuing theme in my growth as a wife, Christian, and mom. I know that when I voice my growth through this blog or to a friend the enemy takes opportunities over the next days and months to try and get me off balance and whining again. God allows it. I often do give into the whining and fussing. I am praying that as He is growing me that I do actually become consistent and develop a healthy ability to persevere. The other part of that verse is about waiting quietly and hoping. I do have hope. Do I get discouraged when things are not as I would like them, or when problems are not worked out on my time table? Or - that problems just go away and stay away - but reality is that they don't? Yes, I do become discouraged. But thank you, Jesus, that you have grown me to where I recognize my reactions and patterns sooner than before and am able to address them with scripture and prayer.

Do I wish it all didn't hurt me? Yes. Frustrate me? Yes. Sorely disappoint? Yes, but I refuse to give up hope. The hope that God promises me in Jeremiah 29:11. I do believe when we allow our circumstances to be our focus, continuing to stay in the very same patterns of reacting to them we have in the past, and if we continue to not turn to our Father - we do get beaten down. This results in a loss of hope. The enemy rejoices at this.

Do I want to say, 'my husband is an alcoholic?' No. But, he is and I have come to believe that while I have no control over that or over him and his choices, I do have a Father that loves me and is walking in this with me. He is also trying to help my husband, but too often I watch as He is pushed away by him. It so very much saddens my heart - the anger tries to take over - and the anxiety rears its evil head. But I repeat God's promises - to myself and to the enemy on the attack. When I do I can breathe again. Whether or not my husband ever truly becomes sober or not will be between him and God. If he doesn't he is losing out on so very much that life with Christ and me and the children has to offer. We, as a family, and community, lose out on all that my husband has to offer, too.

During these times I also have to remind myself that there is more to my life than having a sober husband. Is this the life God planned for us when we married? No, I don't believe it is. As long as some are deceived the others are affected. I just pray for TOTAL healing, restoration, and deliverance from anything negative the enemy has planned from the choices being made. I trust God's word that says, "ALL THINGS work together for the good of those that love the Lord and are called according to His purpose in Heaven." Romans 8:28. I completely believe that God really does mean all things - not just the good, or the alcohol free things, or the drug free things, or the grief free things - ALL THINGS!! We have to believe and hope and wait and pray continually.

Please pray with me for this!!