I have been on a recent journey of internal transformation. At moments I look back over these past four years and think, 'wow, look at how different I am.' Looks are one thing, but the heart is what matters. I look at my outside and am dissatisfied. There is ALWAYS room for improvement. There is ALWAYS more to learn, do, and become. I believe God places dreams in us that we then have to decide, 'am I gonna believe or am I gonna decide before even trying?'
Too often I decide before trying- leaving no room for faith. I name it 'practicality' or 'experience'. But really it's simply fear - and fear is the absence of faith.
God has been preparing me for my next phase. As my kids are growing, and in some ways needing me less, but other ways needing me so much more, I find myself restless.
So, I transform rooms inside my head within my home- have now actually done one for real :). I imagine rearrangement and new paint colors- I scour Pinterest for idea supports- and dream.
Of course putting these dreams into reality costs actual money. Money is here because my husband and I both work, but there are always other priorities. Little things like Tate's formula, thickener, doctor appts and medications, gas for the cars, and all the activities the kids are involved in. Of course then there are clothes, shoes, undergarments, etc. (I mean seriously- how fast they grow!)
Soooo, since total redo of the inside of my house is out - and yes, I am an ALL or NOTHING personality- then my restless focus shifts to jobs.
Social work is the profession I am in. There is SO much about the politics I don't mesh with - the liberal slant, etc. So thankfully God has allowed me a job with a Christian focus. Why am I restless you ask? Because I think the 'whole' person - or system- is what should be looked at for true change to occur. Unfortunately that really doesn't work. I recognize on most days that I am a conduit for God to work through. Other days I try and be the 'power source' for that change. Um, yeah. Doesn't work that way either. Despite the giftings God has given me - please sit for this revelation- I am NOT God. I cannot fix the worlds hurts, keep people from committing suicide, get them to make lasting changes in parenting styles or personal choices. And wonder of wonders I can't even get them to like each other.
So, I try and remember my role. Try and not overstep God and wait. I get impatient. Thankfully God gives me other outlets and is EXTREMELY patient with me. As arrogant as I sound I really am not. I still believe I'm not enough. That there is 'more' I am to do or become.
During all this I still have dreams and struggles and triumphs and setbacks - heart breaks and heart revelations so to speak.
God puts sweet and powerful reminders in my path in the form of my children so often. I forget that I REALLY am 'training them up in the way they should go' as instructed in the Bible. My desire is that they are trained to seek God first in ALL things- that they allow the Holy Spirit room to grow and with inside them, and that the fruits of the spirit would be OVERFLOWING!! Oh how I desire these things.
They are WONDERFUL kids. Loving, hardworking, beautiful inside and out, and they really do love God personally. They are smart, funny, gifted, and personable. They have common sense and a degree of wisdom that sometimes catches me off guard. They embrace life and believe in dreams. I am so blessed.
So God used Tate to knock me upside my head yesterday. We were shopping at a local thrift store for back to school clothes, and I found a pair of pants I loved. They were Ralph Lauren, linen, floral and SO ME. The size wasn't though. The size was a 12 and if you know linen, it's NOT a forgiving material. There is NO stretch. So I stood there debating with myself about how much I would need to lose and how many squats and lunges I would need to complete to get my rear in those pants.
Tate looks at me and says, 'what are you doing?' I told him I like the pants but was trying to decide if I need to take them home as my 'goal' pants. He said, 'goal pants? You mean like you have to do something to wear them?' Yep. Exactly. In his ten year old wisdom Tate says to me, 'that's kind of ridiculous. You don't need to do something for those- you don't need those because you are just right like you are. When will you know that?'
I know it sounds like a smart aleck remark, but his tone was so not. I stood there holding those pants as his words sank in and really took hold.
WHY was I never satisfied? WHY do I always think I need to be smaller, do more or be different?
Out of the mouth of babes.
So, as I have chewed on this for 24+ hours, I have come to the conclusion - probably the same conclusion I have had before, but I hear it differently this time- that now IS the time. What am I waiting for? God doesn't need me to be smaller, a better mother or wife, or even the fixer of everyone's problems. He just loves me like I am, where I am. He can accomplish the dreams He has given me JUST LIKE I AM. No more - no less.
He will change whatever needs to be refined- He who began a good work will be FAITHFUL to complete it. All I have to do is have faith - not fear- to believe that He will - and I don't need to 'change' me to be used- I just need to give Him my willingness.
Wisdom comes from the most interesting places. My ten year old is just one of the mouthpieces God has used to get my attention.
So blessed!!
