So, the eye of this particular storm has passed and I am currently in the other part of the storm.
I am having to re-learn some things I thought I had learned already. This is humbling. I prefer to hold on to some semblance of control right now, but in my heart I know it is an illusion.
I haven't been in control even when I thought I had control. I cannot make people act "right" or make wise choices. I cannot prevent bad things from happening to myself, my kids, and my family. Wow. That is so difficult to admit. My current situation is causing me to question things I have always done - especially my old coping skills, and ways of reacting to certain situations/triggers. I am finding that through the years I have become healthier in some ways, and in others I have stayed mired in my childish ways of dealing. I am really having prayers answered. I know that when I prayed them, beginning two years ago, I had NO IDEA that the working out of the answers would look like this or feel like this. The Lord truly knew, long before I did, how weak I would be in this situation - so it is really good that He didn't share His plans with me - lest I had run - run for the hills!! I am finally beginning to understand that IN MY WEAKNESS HE IS STRONG! Amen!
I am not as exhausted as I was last week - that kind of tired that comes from the inside out? You know what I mean? Just when I thought, "I cannot put one foot in front of the other" I would hear a song, or get a call, email, or facebook message - and that person would not even know I was dealing with things from a low, low place, but lifted me up anyway - without me uttering a word - that, my friends, is God at work.
Again, I am not where I would choose to be, but am very thankful for where I am and what God is doing in me. I just pray that I will continue to keep my eyes on Him - and when I veer off His path - He would continue to steer me back on very quickly.
I am thankful that even when I became consumed with anger and hurt again this weekend - and really, really wanted to lash out at my presumed offender - I instead (well, maybe after a few not well spoken words - but again, quickly convicted about my behavior) literally cried out to God. Sat on my bed and begged God to help me and my kids and my husband.
He heard me.
The verse God gave me last week, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers (and sisters ;0), whenever you face trials of any kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4 kept coming back to me and then LITERALLY God gave it to me at church on Sunday night - reminding me - "Hey, Reeda, just wanted to remind you, I AM here, I AM with you, and I AM listening. I AM." - God
Just like that - my anger and resentment toward my situation and my husband dissolved. There is no way to explain it to where you can possibly understand - it just did. God is working on us individually and together. Am I still scared? Sure, but I am reminded again that no matter what my circumstances may bring, my GOD is bigger than my circumstances and will lift me above the flood of waters if I just call out and look for His hand. I am once again on dry land, gaining my bearings in this rainstorm, and waiting on the SON to shine through me.
(Periodically you can even catch me dancing in the rain ;o)
So, while there is healing yet to happen and struggles yet to be faced, and more growth ahead (I mean there has to be, right? - with all of this rain the seedlings inside me are being fed - only because I am choosing to focus on God's directions for growth and maintenance)- I am not specifically dreading it all. Trust me, that is ONLY GOD AT WORK inside my life.
All praise and glory to God, my Father!! I pray you all dance, too.
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