How often have we heard "seeing is believing"? When in reality that is not how it was intended. At least I don't believe that is how it was intended. I have come to think that believing is seeing. Do you ever go through times in your life that you find yourself looking around thinking, "WHAT?!?" How on earth did I end up here, like this, in this spot? It could be things like financial problems, weight problems, vocational problems, relational problems - or this could even be representative of positives in our lives - like financial gains, weight loss, vocational achievement, or relational achievement. I just know that right now I am seeming to constantly exist in a state of "WHAT?!?"
Thing one: My weight loss efforts. I have documented what I have been going through to some degree and I have shared the flabbergasting (at least to this former eternally fat girl) success I have had. I have gotten on and off the scales so many times not believing what I am reading it isn't funny. People commented on "how good" I was looking waaaaaaay before I was able to see it. At some point I just began to accept what the numbers on the scales and tape measure said. Then slowly I really began to believe people - but even with all of that I still wasn't able to "see" me - not this improving me anyway - not yet - despite two pant sizes smaller!!!! Now I am so thrilled to report I find myself stopping and sort of smiling when I look in the mirror. And -brace yourself - even when I am disrobed about to enter the shower!! How funny is that? I am not by any stretch of the imagination "little" by the world's standards - or even the scale's standards, but I personally know how much I have sweated and worked for those new smaller hips and firmer arms and can't help but smile at that.
Thing two: My marriage. Unfortunately I am severely under attack in this area - It has been very difficult and awful in the last 3-4 weeks. I knew something was up, but I really thought it was because our kids were back home and we were adjusting to that. Not so. He has relapsed. Again, has hidden it well. When I figured it out - I was livid. He told me I was an 'idiot' and 'didn't know what I was talking about'. The following weeks have been on and off. We can be okay - then I end up asking, "Are you going to a meeting, did you talk to your sponsor, have you had a drink, are you wanting a drink, when was your last drink...." you get the idea. It was enough to drive us both insane. He would get angry when there was something to hide most times - he has been lying through his teeth to me - and he continues to remind me that I "don't do enough, don't have balance, only delegate, don't spend enough quality time with the kids", etc. I seriously began to believe all the negative things he was saying to me. It didn't matter that I know he is drinking and the alcohol has him deluded. In my mind he is saying what he hasn't been able to say otherwise. And our dysfunctional song takes on another verse - so similar to all the others.
I have been really praying about what he has been saying to me - trying - despite my almost consuming hurt and anger - to dig deep and really see if there is any truth to what he is saying. Some areas that he was probably right about was the delegating - I am known to do that in order to get things done more quickly - and to have the kids help out. The other area is general everyday "housework". Like grocery shopping (I so despise it I can't even describe to you), laundry, and cooking. I don't mind laundry, but he doesn't like that I have two set days that I plan to do laundry on. The cooking issue has always been there - let's just say I am not Susie Homemaker when it comes to the kitchen.
So, I made adjustments. It didn't help. He didn't even acknowledge it. He ended up finding something else to gripe about - this time it was I didn't think enough of my children to take time to help them with their homework. Well, that really flew all over me. But, trying to be the "good wife" I made adjustments - to what he wanted - despite openly saying I didn't agree that any thing was wrong with having our youngest read out loud to our oldest - that is how I grew up. Doesn't matter. He was adamant.
Through all this I have begged God to help me with my anger toward my husband, and God has. I have begged God to help me live with the hurt inflicted - and He is. I have begged God to protect my children emotionally, physically, and financially - as well as myself, through all of this. Really, God always has - we have never been hurt, threatened, or without.
I had an epiphany at work a few days before I began this post. I was washing my hands in the bathroom - and yes - there was the mirror. I all of a sudden felt as much as heard God say, "Reeda, everything he has been saying is a lie. You need to reject these lies. They do not define you or describe you. I define you, and I have already described you. I have even given you people to say it to you. When will you believe me over these lies?" It was as though a HUGE weight had been lifted. If I could only fully describe to you what freedom that gave me.
I had already sent out my "prayer plea" to friends and family that pray for us. I really didn't want to bother anyone, but I also knew that I could not just stay to myself on this attack either. I needed support. Boy howdy!! God is so very good!! Not only did I get the prayer support and emails and facebook messages, but there was further freedom in "coming clean" so to speak.
Satan wants me to feel shame and to be alone, but thankfully I am far enough in my walk that I recognized the signs for what they were. I received strength in just reaching out. In being true with those around me without further shaming my husband. Was it comfortable? NO. But, the freedom that came with the reach was worth the discomfort.
Later, when it was time to stand strong in support of my marriage and my husband - to band together against the lies that he was believing - I could stand before him with a definite knowledge that if he, my husband, was willing to surrender - to reject the lies of the enemy and move forward - then true healing and restoration could begin.
I am thrilled to say God has been at work in my husband and that is where my husband is right now - healing and allowing God to restore.
I am allowing God to work the same in me and my life - taking things slowly - but so very thankful and so very hopeful - again.
I have been told that you will know where the tree is planted by what kind of fruit it bears - rotten fruit or good fruit - I am believing in God and his plan for my family until I see it come to pass in our lives.
