the Process....

So, during this time of refining by God, I seem to take giant leaps forward and then fall back again - back into the pattern of listening to fear, uncertainty, and desperately wanting everything to just "go back". Back to what? Back to "before". I don't have a specific time period - maybe before March of this year. March is the time I sensed a change within me and my house. Not for the better either which is probably why I am in the mess I am in today. I know that God is trying to use this time to change my heart - make me more like Him - I asked for that, right? So, why am I whining? Why am I wishing to "go back"? I am making a concerted effort to reach out to my friends - those that have been friends for a long time and even my newer friends. It is so interesting to me how - whether by design or happenstance - the majority of these friends do not really have time to listen to me whine - and I know that - so I don't. Which brings me back to God - where I need to be anyway.
So, as I am trying to wait on God, hear God, and wait for healing I am constantly looking around and trying to figure out what I can be doing to help - I am not, after all, an idle person. I like action. I need to see progress.
Maybe this is my problem. People cannot move on my schedule all the time - and God is no different. I want something specific that says "this" will never happen again. Hurts will not occur in this area - everything will be fine.
When I let my "flesh" loose so to speak - I find my fear runs rampant - I obsess about things, don't get much sleep - am distrustful - protective and very walled off. This is not healthy. I also get irritable with no sleep - and less patient with those around me - and bless their souls - they have no idea what I am going through and it is not their fault.
So, this weekend I spent time with my husband cleaning out the garage, fixing up the kids' rooms, watching movies - but Sunday night it all crept back up - like a clinging sludge that I can't get off me. I analyze everything, know in my gut something is off, but allow myself to be easily swayed that nothing is wrong - and then it comes back again - knock it down, it grows back.
By Monday I figured the best thing to do is just ask no questions, keep my mouth shut in general and go about my business. This isn't working - sure there are no questions, accusations, or lies, but there is also no communication or involvement and there is continued building of resentment on both parts. I see it, feel it, but have no idea how to change it or the course I am on.
So, I cry out to God - more and more - for me, for him, for my kids, for my family.
I am re-reading The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian. GREAT information and encouragement, but also overwhelming and seems impossible - Is it really that easy? I can read a book, say a few prayers, and all is well?
Evidently not. I need God to supernaturally give me patience where I have none!! I need a serious intervention. I need a women's Bible Study with other women who are supportive, not judgemental, and are encouraging. People that have walked where I am walking and have lived to tell about it - the good the bad and the ugly.
I am not sure right now if we will survive "the process" of refinement in tact as a couple. I want to. I need to. I do not want my children to grow up without a father - not just a father, but an actively seeking God's face kind of father - in the home. I also love my husband and want to be married to him.
Yes, I know God cares about me, I know He has a purpose for me and all circumstances I go through, but sometimes - down in the dregs, I feel like I am just a drop in His never ending bucket. I really don't know what I need right now. I would like to think I do, but I don't. I do need to constantly remember that what satan is trying to tell me is such a fat lie - God does care about me and I do matter - even what I am going through today.