Two days ago my youth minister from years ago - the man that stood before God and performed the marriage between my husband and myself - and a man I now would call a friend, but still hold in a place of adolescent "awe" - wrote an entry about M'Fuge. This is a camp for young people to come together, worship, be encouraged, strengthened, and serve others. He challenged and encouraged those that read his blog to pray for the impact this camp will not only have on these adolescents, but on their own families, friends, and communities when they return home.
So, having experienced camps similar in the past, I did just that. I prayed. It also got me thinking even further. God has given me a running theme over the past few years about how he uses those around me to feed into me - sometimes they feed me good food - sometimes it is rotten. Depending on my place in life - through age, maturity, education, support system, and spiritual growth usually depends on which food I receive the most of at the time - so which part of my "man" is fed more - my 'spirit' man - or my 'flesh'?
I have been shown in the most recent of years very practical ways of "paying it forward" and when I was asked to speak at a friend's 50th birthday a few years ago, on behalf of my son, I focused on how this friend and his wife had taught me this concept more than anyone else in life so far - and I began to apply it.
A few years later my church began encouraging "acts of kindness" at Christmas. We are encouraged to do something anonymously for people behind us in line or in a restaurant, etc - and never give our name - just leave the card - the card said something like, "God loves you" and then gave service times at our church. I love doing that - and as a family we started doing it even without the cards - it has been so fun!
So, I began to think of how it really does only take one person - like the book Andy Andrews wrote, "The Noticer" - to make a massive difference in the life of another - and you may never fully grasp the impact you have - EVER - until heaven. But, God knows - and He only asks for our obedience to what he asks of us. Does he ask us to pray? Open a door? Give money or time? Does he ask us to really go beyond our comfort zone and give our furniture or car? What about our best dishes or our best shoes? What about our smile? What if it really is to cash out our retirement? We are only asked to be obedient.
We are not responsible for what God does with any of our gifts, talents, or possessions - they are really his anyway - and even if we choose not to bless someone - he will still meet that person's need, we just could have had the awesome blessing of having been a part of it.
I am a living example that not only does prayer work, but youth camps help create needed foundations - and youth workers build on that. God already knows what his plan is - He also knows how he would like for it to be accomplished. But, even if our free will interferes with that, His Will will prevail - but WOW! don't you want to be a part of that awesome Butterfly Effect?
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Learning to Swim
So, the 12 year old inside of me reared herself again yesterday. Basically when I have been able to stop, talk to others, listen to others in similar situations, and remind myself what God says is true - despite how I may FEEL at the moment - then I see it all boils down to my pride. If pride weren't involved I wouldn't have a need to make sure "everything is going to work out", and if fear wasn't in the passenger seat screaming (due to a lack of depth perception) each time I get close to something that even smells or looks like it has the potential to hurt me eventually - and by "depth perception" I am referring ultimately to a lack of faith in the driver, Jesus. He's not supposed to be my "co-pilot". He is supposed to have the reigns. But, I digress.
I think I get Ezekiel 47 now, though, or at least the first part of it. Will I be the type Christian that only wades into their faith - or will I swim?
Thank you, Jesus, for Lucy, and for Norma. Last night I was in an meeting and people were speaking about being "humbled" again. That humility is what is needed. I literally said to myself (after admitting to the entire group I didn't want to even be there, so I knew I needed to be) that I was TIRED of being humbled!!!
Yep. A smart person would have realized that she had basically just smarted off to her parent and apologized and straightened up. Usually I am smart. Not last night - but my dear Abba Father is merciful anyway. He has been hearing my confusion of late, my anger that has been boiling to the surface from things I thought I had dealt with - and then the feelings of guilt I have had with feeling I should not be having to go through all of this again - I mean - good golly miss molly - -we just did this!! - when will I get it? Right?!
God showed me last night, through my friend Lucy, that my feeling that I know best at times (well - really most times in my personal opinion) is born of a "haughty" or "Jezebel" spirit. Hmmm. I have had the truth spoken to me enough to know if it pricks a little the person speaking is probably right. What she said didn't prick my "feelings" - it pricked my "pride" - which to me confirmed that God was trying to tell me something. Of course, I wasn't sure what it was or if I would be ready - I admitted to myself and God and Lucy - and later the group - and this was so very difficult for me....I am angry, and I am really ready to give up on this whole thing.
Give up on "recovery", "healing", "restoration for my marriage", everything. I am frustrated. I am tired. I am tired of being hurt and frustrated. I am tired of repeating the same things. I am tired of being the fool.
I even said out loud to Lucy last night that I think I might now - not before - but now - be getting angry with God. To what purpose? I know in my head it does no good - but the 12 year old wants to know why do I have to keep being stretched to the point of pain? Why isn't this (what I have already learned and gone through) "good enough"?
When did I become so all knowing and all powerful? When did God endow me with those giftings? Riiight.
Yet here I have kicked, cried, internally screamed, and ranted at the injustice of life and why things have to work out so slowly. Can't we just move this along? And while we are on that topic, don't you want to know how and where it needs to be moved, God? So, God smiled at me last night and took my "haughty/Jezebel" self to an alanon meeting. One I did not want to be at as I said before. After all, I was ready to call it a day - give up on this "program" and be done. Alanon has a saying, "it works if you work it". How true. The steps are there for a reason. In that order for a reason. Please know I learned that again tonight. I was reminded in a very real way that this "program" - or for you it may be referred to as "life" - is about PROGRESS! - not perfection or instant results. It is okay to figure out what I need and what I don't need. What I am and what I am not comfortable with. It is okay to fall, get back up and have to climb those same steps again! (Read Proverbs 24:16) God allowed me to share my heart's burdens with the group - not only did they listen, but they also shared their own experience, strength and hope. God used one woman in particular to speak directly to my hurting heart. She is in her 60s and is a functioning illiterate. She has always been very kind and encouraging to me when we have been in meetings together - I had no idea she couldn't read- reading the steps is part of our opening - lots of people pass - so I never really thought about it. But, God used her specifically to remind me last night that I am loved, I am of worth to Him, He is in control, He does hear me, He is covering all my needs - and always has - he also used her to ask me - am I really listening to Him or just spending all my time whining and stomping around and trying to fit what isn't into what I want it to be? He reminded me that what He says about me is what matters. If I let my mind replay the same negative statements to myself - about myself or my husband or any situation then I am already defeated - but if I listen to God - I won't be stuck - I can move forward - I won't sink as Peter did when he took his eyes off Jesus.
It is okay if I need a time out for me, and it is okay if I am not perfect by my standards or the worlds. Through God's grace and mercy He is sanctifying me!
Thank you, Father -
I am ready - Please help me swim!
I think I get Ezekiel 47 now, though, or at least the first part of it. Will I be the type Christian that only wades into their faith - or will I swim?
Thank you, Jesus, for Lucy, and for Norma. Last night I was in an meeting and people were speaking about being "humbled" again. That humility is what is needed. I literally said to myself (after admitting to the entire group I didn't want to even be there, so I knew I needed to be) that I was TIRED of being humbled!!!
Yep. A smart person would have realized that she had basically just smarted off to her parent and apologized and straightened up. Usually I am smart. Not last night - but my dear Abba Father is merciful anyway. He has been hearing my confusion of late, my anger that has been boiling to the surface from things I thought I had dealt with - and then the feelings of guilt I have had with feeling I should not be having to go through all of this again - I mean - good golly miss molly - -we just did this!! - when will I get it? Right?!
God showed me last night, through my friend Lucy, that my feeling that I know best at times (well - really most times in my personal opinion) is born of a "haughty" or "Jezebel" spirit. Hmmm. I have had the truth spoken to me enough to know if it pricks a little the person speaking is probably right. What she said didn't prick my "feelings" - it pricked my "pride" - which to me confirmed that God was trying to tell me something. Of course, I wasn't sure what it was or if I would be ready - I admitted to myself and God and Lucy - and later the group - and this was so very difficult for me....I am angry, and I am really ready to give up on this whole thing.
Give up on "recovery", "healing", "restoration for my marriage", everything. I am frustrated. I am tired. I am tired of being hurt and frustrated. I am tired of repeating the same things. I am tired of being the fool.
I even said out loud to Lucy last night that I think I might now - not before - but now - be getting angry with God. To what purpose? I know in my head it does no good - but the 12 year old wants to know why do I have to keep being stretched to the point of pain? Why isn't this (what I have already learned and gone through) "good enough"?
When did I become so all knowing and all powerful? When did God endow me with those giftings? Riiight.
Yet here I have kicked, cried, internally screamed, and ranted at the injustice of life and why things have to work out so slowly. Can't we just move this along? And while we are on that topic, don't you want to know how and where it needs to be moved, God? So, God smiled at me last night and took my "haughty/Jezebel" self to an alanon meeting. One I did not want to be at as I said before. After all, I was ready to call it a day - give up on this "program" and be done. Alanon has a saying, "it works if you work it". How true. The steps are there for a reason. In that order for a reason. Please know I learned that again tonight. I was reminded in a very real way that this "program" - or for you it may be referred to as "life" - is about PROGRESS! - not perfection or instant results. It is okay to figure out what I need and what I don't need. What I am and what I am not comfortable with. It is okay to fall, get back up and have to climb those same steps again! (Read Proverbs 24:16) God allowed me to share my heart's burdens with the group - not only did they listen, but they also shared their own experience, strength and hope. God used one woman in particular to speak directly to my hurting heart. She is in her 60s and is a functioning illiterate. She has always been very kind and encouraging to me when we have been in meetings together - I had no idea she couldn't read- reading the steps is part of our opening - lots of people pass - so I never really thought about it. But, God used her specifically to remind me last night that I am loved, I am of worth to Him, He is in control, He does hear me, He is covering all my needs - and always has - he also used her to ask me - am I really listening to Him or just spending all my time whining and stomping around and trying to fit what isn't into what I want it to be? He reminded me that what He says about me is what matters. If I let my mind replay the same negative statements to myself - about myself or my husband or any situation then I am already defeated - but if I listen to God - I won't be stuck - I can move forward - I won't sink as Peter did when he took his eyes off Jesus.
It is okay if I need a time out for me, and it is okay if I am not perfect by my standards or the worlds. Through God's grace and mercy He is sanctifying me!
Thank you, Father -
I am ready - Please help me swim!
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