Perseverance

Okay - to say that I have been moody lately is an understatement. I have been focused so totally on me, my needs, my hurts, my feelings of inadequacy for the current situation. It is like I am a child without object permanence. I often have joked lately to my close friends that what I have been acting like is a 12 year old stomping her foot over not getting "her way". Really? What is my way? Do I TRULY believe my way is better? Sometimes - not better necessarily - just easier. So often I would trade easy for the "best" of almost anything. Until it is all put in perspective.
For instance, would I trade not having Tate at all in my life vs. having Tate and all his medical issues, developmental delays that have been overcome (mostly), and his infectious love of life - all because not having him would have been easier? Easier than hundreds of doctor visits, countless trials of meds and formulas, rides in the ambulance, hospital stays, the ongoing cost of feeding him? Seriously, Reeda? Is that the best? The easier way. Absolutely, unequivocally - NO!! How quickly I forget (hence the above mentioned object permanence)! No wonder God is allowing repeat performances of increasing my ability to persevere! Do I like it? No. Is it comfortable? Absolutely not. How many times have I said that to my own children? "Growing is painful, life isn't fair, this is all preparation, etc?" Countless times - I can assure you of that. I think I understand what God is feeling from me right now - That internal - and unfortunately, sometimes external 'eye roll' from me that I do -like my kids do with me when I have repeated those statements for the thousandth time. You know - where sometimes you think - "boy you are sooo lucky I don't slap faces", but other times you are like, "its okay - roll your eyes - one day you will look back and thank me for telling you this, and making you stick with this" - and you know that it really is true - they can't see it now, but they will. They really will.
That is where I am yet again today - I am the child - God is my Father. He is saying to me:

"I know, I have been there (how many times have our earthly parents said that to us and we have thought - "no, no you don't understand!- times are different - THIS is different - how can you understand?!") and I (God) am assuring you, this will get better. YOU will be better for this. Your attitude during it matters, but whether you choose to have a good attitude or a bad attitude during this difficulty, you will be better off and stronger on the other side. I love you, and I am here with you - as painful as it may be to watch you have to go through this, I know if I step in right now it only prolongs the growing process instead of shortening it. So, easier is not better for you. At some point you have to trust me."
Love, Abba Father

So, the twelve year old inside me sits down, and the thirty five year old is beginning to slowly stand up. The one that knows He is right. I can look back - see where His hand has brought me, taught me, blessed me - even in the midst of trials. I always think the one I am in is the worst 'ever'. Thank God that He promises not to give me more than I can bear and He does always provide respite and a way out if necessary. I have to trust him.
Just like Tate has to trust me. Trust me that I will tell him the truth when something is going to hurt vs. when its not going to hurt. Trust me that the pain he is going through really will be worth it all in the end. Perseverance. This is a trait we don't always think of when we think of what we want to teach and pass on to our children - but oh how extremely important it is!! Without perseverance where would we be? Still 12 and stomping our foot.
God is allowing these "difficulties" in my life to develop inside me perseverance. This will give me words to share with others that I encounter on this road called life - going through the same or similar circumstances - my experience, strength, and hope. Wow! What an AWESOME God I serve!!
He is so faithful even when I am not.

"Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice, mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud (wow, what an issue pride is turning out to be for me), but be willing to associate with those of low position. Do not be conceited. Do not repay evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord. On the contrary: If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head." Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." Romans 12:9-21

Those verses mean so very much to me right now - God is calling me to treat others with kindness - doing for them - serving them - in doing so I am actually serving God and then the "feelings" will follow. Not before. If I sit waiting on God to create His love inside me I think I may be waiting a while - He is impressing on me to act on faith (see, I can learn) - He will fill in the rest - I can't have it all figured out beforehand and then look at my choices - I have to act with faith. Even if I don't feel like it. So, I will be kind, hospitable, and loving to those that hurt me - just as Christ is kind, loving, and hospitable to me - despite how I treat him so often.
Thank you, Jesus, for your mercy toward me - may I have mercy on those around me.