So here I am - Four days after my complete surrender - and am humbled to say not only am I turning to God more and more, but I find myself LISTENING more - taking it in!! Wow! I am physically tired, but that is okay - I know the reasons for that - I am spiritually on fire! I am not as hungry. I have ice cream at home that I am not eating - I am not obsessing. Thank you, Lord. Thank you.
I was speaking with my sister last week - she is going through significant problems in her life right now. I have known for a long time that the answer for her is a personal relationship with Christ. On Sunday that became very real to me. I have always been quick with advice and slow to listen - thinking I understood - because, the Lord knows there have been quite a few trials and struggles that I have had to overcome or get through in my short 34 years - but I can't think back to anything that has owned me like this.
My heart breaks for addicts, but at the same time I have always been of the school of "buck up" stand up - do what needs to be done, join a class and get over it already!! Easier said than done. I worked with addicts for seven years - minuscule amount of time I know - but a lot of time in other ways. Even during that time - I loved them - commiserated, but still felt like if they would just "work the program" they would get "it". Wow - not so right. Yes, you do have to bottom out - I did on Sunday - yes - you do need a support group - I have that, too, just not a formal one - although I highly recommend AA for those suffering from alcoholism or alanon for those that are friends or family members to help better understand the addict's thinking and reasoning -- but I think I now realize it all comes down to heart. Some say just do the work and the heart will follow - yeah, sometimes it does - and I can argue that here - I've done the "work" but it has required my heart - Now I stand here with my heart wide open waiting on God to change, mold and work in me. I am thrilled, excited, and eagerly awaiting what is to come. I know he has BIG plans for me and my family. Look at all that has already happened and what testimonies there are from it! God has provided EXACTLY who and what we have needed EXACTLY when and where we have needed it - from my childhood on up to now.
My grandfather says my son will be a preacher because he (my grandfather feels that calling on his life) I don't know if that is how it works, but I know that Little Man Tate has a true heart for God - and the girls - they LOVE SO MUCH!! I am THRILLED to be their mother!! We have our days - no one is perfect - my girls argue and make ugly faces at each other and the 9 year old girl and my 5 year old son insist on egging each other on to the point that the other day I told them if they couldn't work together and respect each other's things and spaces I was tying them together with a bandanna around their wrists and they would have to stay that way all day. Wow - what a difference in my home!! May not have been perfect parenting - didn't have to do it, but they considered their options and have chosen to get along - and so far it hasn't come back up as an option because the truce has lasted!
All this to say - I am learning not to be so hard on myself or others - that when offering advice to my sister and she throws back "oh yeah - where is all this coming from? I know you have down days?" I can hope she continues to see that yeah - down days, but not days of total despair because my hope resides in the Lord!! No matter what - everything will work out for my good - even if the now is bad - Romans 8:28. I know family is the last to listen. I just hope my life is LOUD ENOUGH EVEN WHEN...............................................
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Monday, September 29, 2008
FireProof
This weekend I was able to go see the new movie by the makers of Facing the Giants. FireProof was a great reminder of not letting relationships be taken for granted and not letting those around us get too close if we are not married to them. Too often what can begin innocently satan can use to deceive, seperate, and devise. Wow. This movie covered it all and in such a great professional way. I was very impressed with the humor and acting (and not just because it was Kirk Cameron - the second Michael J. Fox of the 80's era).
Sitting in the theatre filled with people trying to find seats for a non-secular movie was great in and of its self, but then the movie began. It had me from "hello". I laughed, almost cried, was reminded of things I have been through or things friends have been through and of things I KNOW I don't want to go through. You know? So hard. This movie deals with marital infidelity through Internet porn, materialism, flirtation, selfishness, lack or respect, complete disregard for one another, and love only for self. Ultimately it deals with each person's relationship with Christ. It hits each of these subjects head on - does not back away or pussyfoot around. I really appreciated the message and what I took away.
I have never had a marriage that has suffered due to Internet or any other porn, but have known those that have. My marital restoration was from alcoholism. Not only was my marriage restored, but each of us have grown as Christians - in HUGE ways from having dealt with that issue. We have not had infidelity - but my mom dealt with that and I know its sting and am probably more aware than most of both people's roles in keeping the marriage going - not just one person's role. This marriage was the perfect check point and reminder. Great for anyone that is married or considering marriage.
FIVE*****
Sitting in the theatre filled with people trying to find seats for a non-secular movie was great in and of its self, but then the movie began. It had me from "hello". I laughed, almost cried, was reminded of things I have been through or things friends have been through and of things I KNOW I don't want to go through. You know? So hard. This movie deals with marital infidelity through Internet porn, materialism, flirtation, selfishness, lack or respect, complete disregard for one another, and love only for self. Ultimately it deals with each person's relationship with Christ. It hits each of these subjects head on - does not back away or pussyfoot around. I really appreciated the message and what I took away.
I have never had a marriage that has suffered due to Internet or any other porn, but have known those that have. My marital restoration was from alcoholism. Not only was my marriage restored, but each of us have grown as Christians - in HUGE ways from having dealt with that issue. We have not had infidelity - but my mom dealt with that and I know its sting and am probably more aware than most of both people's roles in keeping the marriage going - not just one person's role. This marriage was the perfect check point and reminder. Great for anyone that is married or considering marriage.
FIVE*****
Sunday, September 28, 2008
More to Life
This weekend I was blessed with a visit from my mother. It is very rare for my mother to visit any of her children. Why? Who knows? She came for the day about two months ago. Right now I can't remember why - may have been longer than that - the kids have grown since she last saw them if that says anything, but that is not the point. I love my mother dearly and feel very grateful for all she sacrificed for me as a single mother from the time I was nine years old. My dad did not pay child support and was not much support in any other way.
Being on the other side - a parent of three - paying bills, etc. - I can see there are other ways he could have helped out that were not financial, but he didn't as far as I can tell - and I think that is what counts - my mom never said ANYTHING bad about my dad until I got married and started having kids - then it is like a damn opened. But, alas, I digress.
Having my mom visit this weekend was good - but also eye opening for me. I have known for years how negative she is towards all of us (there are three girls and a boy in my bio family) and am just outspoken enough to call her on it. Until the last visit. Since my surgery in December of last year I have put on 32 lbs. Not by choice mind you, but there it is. My husband's mom was the first to be the black dot by telling me about 10 days after my surgery that "now you will put on weight because that is when I started putting on mine." Then I did - and it got worse, and I felt worse, and it got worse, and I became obsessed, and on we went. Then I saw my mom. What makes this bad is my mom only lives 45 min away. Anyway, the first thing she said to me was "how much weight have you put on?" As much as I love and appreciate my mom, this is not what I want to be like with my kids. This really bothered me - I was irritable with her the rest of her visit - angry with her and myself - then this last one. First thing she said when I met her at the car, "how much bigger are you going to get?" Not, "hey, Reeda!" Not, "how are you, Reeda!, or , "so great to see you, Reeda!" No, just weight related statements. So, no wonder it is a focus in my head.
Tonight at church my pastor did a sermon on hurts, letting go of the pain, deaths, deaths of ideas - maybe of relationships, or finances, or jobs, or kids, spouses, marriages, etc. Me - I have been struggling for more than two years (that I have been willing to admit) with an addiction to ice cream and sugar, and food. You ask how this is an issue? Well, it torments me. I think about it constantly. Think if I don't have it I will come out of my skin - can taste it before I get it - know exactly what combinations I need at certain times. Put much thought in to how I am going to obtain it, hide that I got it, get more of it, not share it and then start the cycle over again. It interferes with my walk with Christ. I new this year that this was an area I had not surrendered to God, but really had been deceiving myself about that. Until tonight. Tonight I surrendered. I committed to giving every part of my life to Christ. Not JUST my money, marriage, children, job, home, friends, and family - also my food. Can you believe it is the seemingly most simple thing I am having the most difficult time with. I have spent hours in tears. I have spent lots of money on products, have watched infomercials wondering why it won't work for me - when truly we have to come to Christ as little children. My children ask my permission for almost everything - as they are maturing they know what they can and can't do, say, eat and watch - and when they get out of line I bring them back in. Isn't that they same with God? Don't I love them unconditionally? Doesn't God? I just truly haven't understood that because the love I have been given in my biological family has been tied to other things - performance, food, goodness, etc. I realized this weekend I will never measure up to my mother or fathers standards and expectations here on earth and I choose now to stop feeling guilty about that. I love them, but I only have to please my heavenly Father. I will continue to honor them, but I will not bend over backwards for them anymore. I have my own family that I have to take care of and raise - I am proud of my husband and children and thankful for what Christ has given me even though I am so undeserving. I know He sees so much more in me than I will ever see, but I hope to live up to that beginning today - making good choices for my body. Food and exercise - and cheering on my kids instead of pointing out the obvious each time! So, with Isaiah 43:18-19 in mind, here I grow!
Being on the other side - a parent of three - paying bills, etc. - I can see there are other ways he could have helped out that were not financial, but he didn't as far as I can tell - and I think that is what counts - my mom never said ANYTHING bad about my dad until I got married and started having kids - then it is like a damn opened. But, alas, I digress.
Having my mom visit this weekend was good - but also eye opening for me. I have known for years how negative she is towards all of us (there are three girls and a boy in my bio family) and am just outspoken enough to call her on it. Until the last visit. Since my surgery in December of last year I have put on 32 lbs. Not by choice mind you, but there it is. My husband's mom was the first to be the black dot by telling me about 10 days after my surgery that "now you will put on weight because that is when I started putting on mine." Then I did - and it got worse, and I felt worse, and it got worse, and I became obsessed, and on we went. Then I saw my mom. What makes this bad is my mom only lives 45 min away. Anyway, the first thing she said to me was "how much weight have you put on?" As much as I love and appreciate my mom, this is not what I want to be like with my kids. This really bothered me - I was irritable with her the rest of her visit - angry with her and myself - then this last one. First thing she said when I met her at the car, "how much bigger are you going to get?" Not, "hey, Reeda!" Not, "how are you, Reeda!, or , "so great to see you, Reeda!" No, just weight related statements. So, no wonder it is a focus in my head.
Tonight at church my pastor did a sermon on hurts, letting go of the pain, deaths, deaths of ideas - maybe of relationships, or finances, or jobs, or kids, spouses, marriages, etc. Me - I have been struggling for more than two years (that I have been willing to admit) with an addiction to ice cream and sugar, and food. You ask how this is an issue? Well, it torments me. I think about it constantly. Think if I don't have it I will come out of my skin - can taste it before I get it - know exactly what combinations I need at certain times. Put much thought in to how I am going to obtain it, hide that I got it, get more of it, not share it and then start the cycle over again. It interferes with my walk with Christ. I new this year that this was an area I had not surrendered to God, but really had been deceiving myself about that. Until tonight. Tonight I surrendered. I committed to giving every part of my life to Christ. Not JUST my money, marriage, children, job, home, friends, and family - also my food. Can you believe it is the seemingly most simple thing I am having the most difficult time with. I have spent hours in tears. I have spent lots of money on products, have watched infomercials wondering why it won't work for me - when truly we have to come to Christ as little children. My children ask my permission for almost everything - as they are maturing they know what they can and can't do, say, eat and watch - and when they get out of line I bring them back in. Isn't that they same with God? Don't I love them unconditionally? Doesn't God? I just truly haven't understood that because the love I have been given in my biological family has been tied to other things - performance, food, goodness, etc. I realized this weekend I will never measure up to my mother or fathers standards and expectations here on earth and I choose now to stop feeling guilty about that. I love them, but I only have to please my heavenly Father. I will continue to honor them, but I will not bend over backwards for them anymore. I have my own family that I have to take care of and raise - I am proud of my husband and children and thankful for what Christ has given me even though I am so undeserving. I know He sees so much more in me than I will ever see, but I hope to live up to that beginning today - making good choices for my body. Food and exercise - and cheering on my kids instead of pointing out the obvious each time! So, with Isaiah 43:18-19 in mind, here I grow!
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