My Heart

Dear Jesus,
I am writing this to you tonight - not because you aren't already aware, but because I believe transparency with myself and you is necessary to move on. 
For months I have been letting a hurt to fester - actually one of many.  That has allowed me to focus only on the negative about this person for a while now.  It has been eating at me - my heart has literally been sick.  I have stopped spending time with those i love most - I find fault with little things so easily, and I have allowed myself to pity my situation.  After all  - no matter how much those around me think they understand - they really can't - I have believed this - not only about them, but you also. 
Jesus, please forgive me for my anger - please remove my bitterness.  Please open my heart and eyes to view those around me with your love - through your eyes and with your compassion.  Lord Jesus, please help me to allow myself to be loved by you.  Truly loved. 
I have thought I understood this at times- but today heard a message from our associate pastor that really started my heart opening.  Granted - the enemy has been also fighting mightily for me to remain angry  - and i have found more reasons - even today, despite my "resolve" not to. 
Jesus, I have known for a long long time that I cannot go further in my life or my marriage without your help.  Some days I am not sure I even want to.  I have the Love Dare - got through it pretty well the first time, along with countless other books to "help" me with my marriage.  Only to be hurt repeatedly.  This August I think inside I truly reached a place that "broke".  My heart broke, my desire to keep trying broke, my positive outlook on my situation broke and I feel broken inside.  I have tried prayer, talking with others, singing, exercising - but most days I don't even want to get out of bed.  I know you already know all of this - I guess I am just wondering when it will all "lift" so to speak.  Then today in the message I heard him talking about you being strapped to the pole, on your knees - most likely naked - or at least shirtless - being whipped repeatedly with the "cat of nine tails" for me.  You could have said, "Okay - enough" at like 27 like the pastor pointed out - you could have said, 'I think I have had enough' and quit.  I know that you have the power - the angels were waiting just for that exactly I believe.  But you didn't. 
Do you know how much I can identify with that?  I feel almost sick to my stomach likening what I am going through to what you endured, but thinking of the fact that you could have called it off but didn't  - makes me stop and think about my own desire to give up  - so very often.  On my marriage, on my everything.  Too often I hear myself asking, "what is the point?" What a weenie, huh?
And yet, once again I heard something today that I so desperately needed reminding of - not the, "you know God loves you", or "pray about it" or any of the other many well meaning things that have been said to me in meetings and by friends - those things are all true, but not what my heart needed.  Today what I heard was that God sees me through the blood of Christ - the ULTIMATE rose colored glasses so to speak.
He sees the potential in me when I struggle to see anything. 
I have so been mired in this anger, justified pity, and bitterness toward my husband that I have let it effect almost every other interaction I have had in the last four months.
I have been in such a deep pit of despair - I have cried more tears than I know what to do with - I have pressed on - praying and hoping - needing some sort of "sign".
I was almost convinced that I didn't deserve a sign- or anything else- since I couldn't "shake this off" and "let go and let God".  This sounds so simple and yet this has been the absolute most difficult thing i have done in my life to date.
I have been steeped in fear - I have been ashamed of this and this has kept me down and held back.  I have NOT been trusting God.  I have not trusted his promises to me - although I repeat the verses like a mantra - I have only allowed the meaning to scratch the surface.  Jesus, reading about what Paul said in Corinthians, Galatians and Ephesians tonight sealed it all for me.  Nothing is an accident.  Your word is my "sign".  You have asked me to trust you - you suffered for me, bled for me, died for me and only wanted my love and devotion in return - but here i have been thinking only of myself - poor, pitiful me - how hard things have been, what if it all happens again?, what if I lose everything this time?, what if.....
You have been standing here the whole time - sometimes riding along side me in this battle - going ahead - fighting for me - sometimes carrying me - but never once have you left me - I just stopped looking for you - so caught up in myself I have been.
Please, Lord, forgive me.  Help me TRULY understand and sit with how much you love me.  Help me to see my potential through you - and if I can't - help me to never give up my faith in you and your Word.  Finally, Jesus, please help me to see my husband as you do - the good that you see - the potential for us.  I want a miracle this Christmas.
Love,
Me

It Begins in the Small Moments

So many "defining" moments in my life are begun in small, seemingly insignificant choices made daily - by myself or by those around me.  Whether it is that I decide to plan ahead for what I will eat or wear the next day - right down to how I might choose to respond in certain situations should they arise. 
Now, just because I 'decide' these things doesn't necessarily mean they will come to pass.  I will say, though, that it is much better to decide ahead of time for me than to get to that moment and make a "rash" decision.  I usually overextend myself, or over react, or over eat, or am late if I wait til the moment something happens to decide something or how I will respond to something.  Unfortunately I also still have to learn that just because I decide on something - like "how it should go" - and it doesn't go that way- doesn't mean my world is falling apart and doesn't call for a deep, dark 'bout of depression served up on the side.
I KNOW in my heart of hearts that Jesus loves me.  He cares for me (1Peter 5:7) and would even give His life for me (He already did just to prove it!).  So, why do I get all twisted up when plans go awry or things and people get "off track"?  Why must I have these control issues?
I know God has a plan (Jeremiah 29:11)- He teaches me something new from each situation I find myself in(Romans 8:28).  Sometimes those situations are of my own making through my own choices - however good or bad they might have been at the time.  Sometimes I find myself at the mercy of other's choices.  This makes me even more sensitive to my children.  Sometimes that is good - sometimes they can use that to their advantage. LOL!!
Over these past two months I have run the gamut of emotions once again - hurt, anger, love, annoyance, contentment, peace, joy, hope, despair, and despondence.  What I have noticed is that as uncomfortable as I have been with SO MANY of the good and not so good emotions listed here, I have been learning so much about me.  What I want, what I need, what I desire, what I long for.  I have been asking God to show me His will for my life, my children, and my marriage.  That will all come in time.  I take things one day at a time - messing up more often than I should probably in the "need to know" what the future holds, but that doesn't mean He tells me - and guess what!? I have been just fine - a little neurotic at times - but okay thanks to His word, good preaching, and great friends to support me in prayer and words.
I cannot tell you how much this time of growing and learning has hurt almost physically at times, but definitely emotionally.  I have once again been stretched to the point I thought I would break completely only to be released into the arms of my Savior - and all because of a decision I made - in a moment so "small" so long ago - and yet has been so life altering.
So, your choices determine your life - choose well - I am glad I chose Christ.  He has been the best choice I could have ever made for this crazy ride called LIFE.

Believing is Seeing

How often have we heard "seeing is believing"?  When in reality that is not how it was intended.  At least I don't believe that is how it was intended.  I have come to think that believing is seeing.  Do you ever go through times in your life that you find yourself looking around thinking, "WHAT?!?" How on earth did I end up here, like this, in this spot?  It could be things like financial problems, weight problems, vocational problems, relational problems - or this could even be representative of positives in our lives - like financial gains, weight loss, vocational achievement, or relational achievement.  I just know that right now I am seeming to constantly exist in a state of "WHAT?!?" 
Thing one:  My weight loss efforts.  I have documented what I have been going through to some degree and I have shared the flabbergasting (at least to this former eternally fat girl) success I have had.  I have gotten on and off the scales so many times not believing what I am reading it isn't funny.  People commented on "how good" I was looking waaaaaaay before I was able to see it.  At some point I just began to accept what the numbers on the scales and tape measure said.  Then slowly I really began to believe people - but even with all of that I still wasn't able to "see" me - not this improving me anyway - not yet - despite two pant sizes smaller!!!! Now I am so thrilled to report I find myself stopping and sort of smiling when I look in the mirror.  And -brace yourself - even when I am disrobed about to enter the shower!! How funny is that?  I am not by any stretch of the imagination "little" by the world's standards - or even the scale's standards, but I personally know how much I have sweated and worked for those new smaller hips and firmer arms and can't help but smile at that.
Thing two:  My marriage.  Unfortunately I am severely under attack in this area - It has been very difficult and awful in the last 3-4 weeks.  I knew something was up, but I really thought it was because our kids were back home and we were adjusting to that.  Not so. He has relapsed.  Again, has hidden it well.  When I figured it out - I was livid.  He told me I was an 'idiot' and 'didn't know what I was talking about'.  The following weeks have been on and off.  We can be okay - then I end up asking, "Are you going to a meeting, did you talk to your sponsor, have you had a drink, are you wanting a drink, when was your last drink...." you get the idea.  It was enough to drive us both insane.  He would get angry when there was something to hide most times - he has been lying through his teeth to me - and he continues to remind me that I "don't do enough, don't have balance, only delegate, don't spend enough quality time with the kids", etc.  I seriously began to believe all the negative things he was saying to me.  It didn't matter that I know he is drinking and the alcohol has him deluded.  In my mind he is saying what he hasn't been able to say otherwise.  And our dysfunctional song takes on another verse - so similar to all the others.
I have been really praying about what he has been saying to me - trying - despite my almost consuming hurt and anger - to dig deep and really see if there is any truth to what he is saying.  Some areas that he was probably right about was the delegating - I am known to do that in order to get things done more quickly - and to have the kids help out.  The other area is general everyday "housework". Like grocery shopping (I so despise it I can't even describe to you), laundry, and cooking.  I don't mind laundry, but he doesn't like that I have two set days that I plan to do laundry on.  The cooking issue has always been there - let's just say I am not Susie Homemaker when it comes to the kitchen. 
So, I made adjustments.  It didn't help.  He didn't even acknowledge it.  He ended up finding something else to gripe about - this time it was I didn't think enough of my children to take time to help them with their homework.  Well, that really flew all over me. But, trying to be the "good wife" I made adjustments - to what he wanted - despite openly saying I didn't agree that any thing was wrong with having our youngest read out loud to our oldest - that is how I grew up. Doesn't matter. He was adamant.
Through all this I have begged God to help me with my anger toward my husband, and God has.  I have begged God to help me live with the hurt inflicted - and He is.  I have begged God to protect my children emotionally, physically, and financially - as well as myself, through all of this.  Really, God always has - we have never been hurt, threatened, or without. 
I had an epiphany at work a few days before I began this post.  I was washing my hands in the bathroom - and yes - there was the mirror.  I all of a sudden felt as much as heard God say, "Reeda, everything he has been saying is a lie.  You need to reject these lies.  They do not define you or describe you.  I define you, and I have already described you.  I have even given you people to say it to you.  When will you believe me over these lies?"  It was as though a HUGE weight had been lifted.  If I could only fully describe to you what freedom that gave me. 
I had already sent out my "prayer plea" to friends and family that pray for us.  I really didn't want to bother anyone, but I also knew that I could not just stay to myself on this attack either.  I needed support.  Boy howdy!! God is so very good!! Not only did I get the prayer support and emails and facebook messages, but there was further freedom in "coming clean" so to speak. 
Satan wants me to feel shame and to be alone, but thankfully I am far enough in my walk that I recognized the signs for what they were.  I received strength in just reaching out.  In being true with those around me without further shaming my husband.  Was it comfortable?  NO.  But, the freedom that came with the reach was worth the discomfort. 
Later, when it was time to stand strong in support of my marriage and my husband - to band together against the lies that he was believing - I could stand before him with a definite knowledge that if he, my husband, was willing to surrender - to reject the lies of the enemy and move forward - then true healing and restoration could begin.
I am thrilled to say God has been at work in my husband and that is where my husband is right now - healing and allowing God to restore. 
I am allowing God to work the same in me and my life - taking things slowly - but so very thankful and so very hopeful - again.
I have been told that you will know where the tree is planted by what kind of fruit it bears - rotten fruit or good fruit - I am believing in God and his plan for my family until I see it come to pass in our lives.

Changes Can Be Positive!!

One thing I am continuing to learn in my life is that changes can be good.  As a child of divorce - and lots of chaos in my family life for many years growing up- change was not something I was fond of.  I would say I loathed change that I was not in charge of.  I remember one time coming home from camp and my mom and grandparents had completely "cleaned" my room.  By this I mean ALL stuffed animals, papers, nicknack's, etc were gone.  My head probably did a 360 on my body I was so angry.  Until that day I don't think anyone - especially my mom and grandparents - had ever seen me that angry.  I was uncontrollable and inconsolable.  Nothing could be done - it was all gone.  I felt very powerless.
There have been other moments in my life that have been similar - times that I have had no control over people and situations and have really not handled it well - or just tried to avoid it all together.  Neither is healthy.  I am happy to report I do understand a parent's need to "clean" a room when a child is gone, but I warn my kids before I do and let them "salvage" what they consider really significant to them - within reason.  That is not to say that I have not messed up too and gotten rid of things that were important to them without me really understanding, but I am trying.  Also, I now know that while changes are not always comfortable - my attitude makes a HUGE difference.  So, I try and focus on the positive in whatever is happening.  This can be annoying at times - and at others, even I don't believe me - but I keep on until I do.
So - with this newest change occurring inside and out I am happy to report that while the process has been extremely painful at times - it is proving to be worth it.  Whether I am talking about parenting, or salvaging my marriage, or working on me.  I have been stretched more, strengthened more and grown more through these past 16 months than I have in a looooong time.  ESPECIALLY in my relationship with Christ.  This is a happy day.  Not only do I have a freedom inside that I didn't have  a year and a half ago, but I have a strength - based in the knowledge of who God is - that is like nothing I have ever had before. 
I am even beginning to LOOK different.  What is really funny to me personally is when I sit my hands on my hips I can actually tell my hips are smaller!  It really makes me grin to myself.  I look silly, but I do it.
I have a plan.  A plan for my family, myself, and this upcoming semester for small groups at church.  Unfortunately it won't be the one starting in September, but prayerfully the one beginning in January. 
I pray all is fabulous with you and yours - Keep on Keepin' On!!!

As a side note - My husband and I did my measurements on the 15th - just a few days ago - again - I have had amazing (for me) results:  10 inches total, gone from my body in the last month -- that is including neck, chest, biceps, hips, thighs, calves, and waist.  So a grand total of 26 inches in about 9 weeks - or 9 1/2 weeks.  My weight loss is 17.8 pounds so far. 
I do tend to just get off the scale and right back on  - or go to various scales in my office and home to see if what I see is true - and it is.  I am just so in shock.  I am wearing the jeans I told you about last entry.  Still love them.  I am thankful for all that has been taken away from me - literally - and give God complete and total glory.  Without His strength and promises and mercy I would not still be on this road. 

In His Love.

Regrouping...

Okay.  I am closing in on nine weeks of this 'change of life' I have embarked on.  I don't know that I have an "end date" in mind.  I do, however, have an "end weight" in mind.  I have lost 15.8 pounds.  I sometimes laugh at me putting the decimal in there, but by George!! I have worked for that eight tenths of a pound and if the scale says it then I am counting it.  I did my measurements by myself two times and then got my husband to check behind me on the 15th of last month.  Why?  Because I just couldn't believe what I was getting out of the tape measure!!  Total - over my whole body - both biceps, both calves, both thighs, my waist, hips, neck, bust - I had lost a total of 16 inches! I am not sure who was more shocked...me or ME!! 
WOOOHOOOO!!
I love my calorie counting, heart rate monitoring watch from Wally World.  It acts to me much like a pedometer does to those motivated by how many steps they take each day.  Since I have learned that the more frequently I update my heart rate then the more accurate my overall daily calorie count is of what I have burned then I can better see what I take in verses what I am burning.  Would I LOVE to have a Body Bug?  Yes.  But can I really shell out that kind of money?  No.
So, I have gone on a week long - multiple state - vacation.  Took my workout stuff to do on the first part - Continued my Tae Bo since I haven't gotten the Zumba tapes.  I also did some weight lifting.  Just for fun I did my oooooolllllldddddd Leslie Sansome tape of "Walk Away the Pounds".  All the kids did this all with me.  We had a blast.  Then one day we followed it up with a 45 min walk around the neighborhood.
If sweat were pounds I would have already met my goal this summer.  Too bad. 
After all that - and walking in D.C. and eating good every day - I literally took a step off the wagon by "treating" myself to a hand dipped ice cream cone at Nutters in Maryland.  It was soooo good that I decided I "deserved" another.  Then that night I ended up eating fried (yes, fried) Nutter Butter cookies - lost count after five, then some spicy pretzels, and on the way home from that trip an apple fritter from Dunkin' Donuts (wanting one even as we speak). 
Then came our unexpected trip to the beach.  I played hard and "rewarded" myself.  I had Ben and Jerry's - two pints in two days - also french fries, ate bread, chips, etc.  All this time I sat there telling myself - I will "get back on the wagon"- let me also not forget the double stuf oreos. 
Getting on the proverbial wagon has not been so easy.  Getting up to exercise has not been as easy - carving out time for myself is not seeming as important- and eating wrong can always be justified.  In turn I have become impatient with myself and those around me - out of balance so to speak.  I have realized this last week that I had let my time with Jesus lapse- have been spending too much time worrying about food and exercise.  Out or order.  So, yesterday was a time of confession for me - humbling to say the least.  About my attitude, my actions, and lack of time being spent in His presence.  It is more and more telling for me - as my issue with food rears its head - and my "old ways" of thinking and doing take back over - it is like I almost push away from God.  Of course then I fall - get a big "owie" and come running back to Abba Father.  I am so thankful He picks me up every time. 
Despite my personal set backs - He has been faithful.  I have continued with the exercises - I have counted on what God has promised in His word. "I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me", "I have courage in God's presence, because I am sure that he hears me if I ask him for anything that is according to his will- 1 John 5:14(GNT)" "I ARISE! I Shine, for my light has come and the glory of the Lord has risen upon me! Isaiah 60:1" "I humble myself under the mighty hand of God, that He might exalt me in due time... casting all my cares upon Him, for He cares for me. 1 Peter 5:6,7"
So - this weekend I went shopping for back to school clothes with my girls and a friend of ours - Lucy.  My girls are 7th grade and 6th grade so our sizes are vastly different.  Although my seventh grader's foot is quickly catching up to mine!  The stores they wanted to go in were like Buckle, American Eagle, Old Navy, etc.  Buckle is too expensive so we compromised with Plato's closet.  American Eagle was our second stop - our first  - yes - our first was Great American Cookie Company.  Can I tell you how long it has been since I have been in there?  Anyway - we go in AE and get my daughter some jeans to try to figure out her size - she ends up being a four.  Now - hefty girl that I have been - I have hovered back and forth between a 20 and an 18 for the past year.  Sometimes - depending on the cut and the day I could squeeze my rear into a 16, but that was oh so rare.  Tops are an XL or XXL or 14/16 - again - depending on the store.  After this weekend I have determined that either some very unhappy women came up with the sizing for clothes or men did just to see women be driven batty.  At Wal-Mart or Target I have to go up a size.  At Ann Taylor Loft I could wear a smaller size.  At Lane Bryant I could wear a smaller size and at Chico's I could - Cold Water Creek was a toss up - depends on the kind of material.  Old Navy runs a little big on me in the tops - they are cut very generously.  I love that.  Good PR on their part I must add. 
So - I was easily talked into trying on a pair of jeans at AE - the boyfriend style - now keep in mind - I have a butt - and low rise on me is not a good combo in a normal situation - now I am adding in a smaller size.  So- I was VERY self conscious.  Also, please note, I have ALWAYS worn stuff a little bigger than necessary.  That comes from the trauma of having large breasts and not knowing how to handle them.  So - I put on the jeans - they button and zip and I cannot believe it.  Thing is they BARELY cover my butt crack! Literally.  One time of sitting down and everyone would know the color of my granny panties. NOPE!!
So - later on we go to Old Navy after some other stores - I am easily - again - persuaded into trying on a pair of jeans - only this time I go back up a size.  They have different kinds - DIVA, DREAMER, STELLA, etc.  I got a pair of each kind in a 16 and a 14.  OH MY GOODNESS!!! $19 and the DREAMER (perfect name for me!) style was PERFECT on me!!  Not just perfect - but perfect in length, waist, fit, and number - a 14!!  For those of you that are a size 8 naturally you are sitting there going, "I don't get it".  Trust me - this is a big deal - I tried really hard for it not to be - but it really is - sort of an outward confirmation of what I thought was happening - what people SAID was happening - but I was having trouble really seeing. 
So, my new best friends - even in 100 degree heat - are the size 14 DREAMER jeans from Old Navy.  I LOVE THEM!! I have not been in a 14 since before the kids were born.  Yep. You heard me - NOT SINCE B.C. - That has been almost 14 years counting pregnancy time. 
I have to admit - I feel a bit delusional at times.  I look in the mirror on days and can tell my hips are smaller and I have finally started developing biceps.  Other days I see the fat girl I have always felt I have always been - or always will be.  Then I stand up and pull back out my verses and I KNOW.  I KNOW He hears me, He cares even about this - He wants this to be something that is part of my testimony - and I AM MORE THAN A CONQUEROR!!
So - take a little time today - and instead of "rewarding" yourself with cookies, ice cream, etc - go get that cool pair of running shoes, or new work out DVD or work out outfit you have been watching to go on sale.  Not only will it benefit you - but when you are tired of it you can pass it on!
Blessings on this journey of life!

Defining Moments

I know we all have moments in our life - no matter how big or small - that help "define"/"shape" us from that moment on.  Tomorrow night, two weeks ago, I had another.  Now, don't get me wrong - I have defining lengths of time - like this whole last year - but I also have these moments where something may either prick (hurt) or prod (inspire).  Will I sit down and give up or push through this "moment" and keep going?  Will I believe what I have read - and what I know from past experience- "I CAN do ALL things (not just the easy, comfortable things that fit into my schedule and finances) through Christ who gives me strength (notice - not MY strength - but some AWESOME reserve untapped until we cry out)" Philippians 4:13 - OR will I believe what the enemy is trying to convince me of?  That I can't do it - that I have given up in the past so why trouble myself now?, that I am causing too much chaos with scheduling to carve out time for me?, that God is busy with other world concerns and doesn't much care if I exercise and eat right or if my husband relapses.  Really?  No - The Bible tells me that He DOES care for me!! (1 Peter 5:7) Not only that verse but right down to Luke where he speaks of how cares for the lilies - so why am I worried about anything?
I have no idea, but that seems to be the area the enemy knows to get me in.  So, as I am walking through these defining moments I am coming out stronger - but ONLY because I am seeking God's will and his face in the midst of my pain and lack of understanding.  Now, He is paralleling that for me in the transformation of my body.  I am REALLY seeing the beginnings of a difference in my body.  I even hesitate to write that because I feel like "something" will happen to try and sabotage or undo my progress.  But I am claiming God's promise, 'Ask and you shall receive, seek and you will find, knock and the door will open."  Because I am asking, seeking, and definitely knocking - knocking down the door to a new way of living - one without crutches - one in freedom - one that is full of the peace of knowing - no matter what!!! God is in FULL control and is fully capable.  He not only cares about me - but ( and here's the revelation for this recovering control freak), HE ALSO CARES ABOUT MY HUSBAND AND CHILDREN, TOO!!  So, I don't have to think I have to be so in charge - or "on top" of the issues in our home all the time!! WOW!! How absolutely freeing for me is that?  I know that this probably comes so much more easily to others out there - but for me it has all been baby steps with major revelations thrown in along the way.  I am so thankful for that, too. 
But back to the transformation reference.  I am seeing muscles take shape in my arms and legs.  I am seeing that I am able to hold more weights on my bar or do a side plank for the WHOLE time she is counting.  I am also seeing that I am able to do "boy push ups" - so what if it is only three of four at a time - that is better than none.  I remind myself often.  It is "progress, not perfection". 
I can see these differences, my husband says he can see these differences, and a few close friends have commented on the differences they have noticed.  I find myself doubting what I am hearing though.  Why? Because I am also seeing the scale.  I have been doing this five weeks and have lost (finally!!) 11.7 (yes - I am putting that .7 in there because I have struggled for that) pounds.  I will do my measurements tomorrow to see what inches I have lost, but when I put my clothes on I can't tell a difference yet, except that I don't kill my waist bands anymore (come on ladies - you know what I mean, right?  that roll fits in the pants standing up, but when you sit down it bends the waist band to where it has almost permanent creases.  Actually, if you haven't experienced this, don't tell me- let me think every female has at some point).  So - since I am not seeing "huge" changes and I look at myself daily, how is anyone else seeing anything significant yet?
Well, almost two weeks ago I went to Wendy's after working out with three friends (yes, we went after sweating for an hour and burning close to 1000 calories doing Zumba).  We walked in to an almost empty restaurant except for four teens sitting close to the door and a family in the back.  The teens got a look at us in our workout clothing and watched us look at the nutritional poster hanging up as we decided on our individual poisons - and they proceeded to snicker and laugh.  Lucy and I looked at them and then at each other - we knew they were laughing at us - but at that point we didn't care - our other two friends were oblivious.  So, we troop to the counter and make our sweaty, laughing, good time, choices - all the while the teens are continuing to observe and the 'ring leader' continues to snicker and make comments under his breath.  I was first to order - cheeseburger deluxe (310 cal), Jr. fries (362 cals - but I split those), and a Jr. frosty (150 cals - and truly this is what I had looked forward to all week and why we were there).  I took my food and proceeded past their table.  'Ring Leader' proceeded to oink as I walked past - about four times right in a row - unmistakable - and then they laughed.  I kept walking.  Was I shocked?  Yes.  Did I want to believe I didn't hear what I heard?  Yes.  But, I did.  Everyone else was still getting their orders handled and I proceeded to mull this over - I had a mixture of incredulousness, hurt, irritation, and disbelief.  As I looked at this group of kids I reflected on my youth - did I ever act like that towards people?  Oh how I pray not!! I also began to think about the blond that was obviously "with" him.  She was attractive, in shape, and smitten.  I wanted to walk up to her and let her know that, although at 16 or 17 - what ever she is finding amusing will not be so amusing in a few years when his humor is directed at her.  No telling what he is seeing at home.  So the part that really surprised me is that although I am large I am not huge. I just really didn't see myself as someone to "oink" at.  That is when I had this moment of doubt - maybe those two weeks I had been fooling myself - maybe I would always be the "fat girl" - maybe this working out wasn't really going to "take" and I would just "fail" again.  Thankfully I remembered Proverbs 24:16, "though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises up again, but the wicked are brought down by calamity." 
So, I could fall some more, and as long as I kept trying that is what counted.  But, too, it has helped going back to the basics of knowing that no matter what I look like or what I weigh, God loves me just as I am.  He sent his Son to die for me.  Just like I was, "a beautiful mess".  Through these "defining moments" choices are made inside my heart and soul before I even realize it to go back to what I know - and for me that is what God's word says.  I hurt for those that don't know that and haven't experienced that yet.  I pray for them.  I know that God will use my struggles - as silly as they may seem to some - to help another on this path in life. 
So, I am excited about that - and being healthier and able to move more to do it!!
May you all be blessed in all this weekend coming up holds for you - and smile, don't oink, at the next fat person you see.
Hebrews 13:2

New Challenges

My sweet, seven year old, Tate will be entering the second grade this year.  This summer he and his sisters are visiting his older sister and brother in law in WV.  They have been having a great time.  This week when I spoke with Tate one night he was clearing his throat.  I asked him what was wrong and he said he had gotten some fries stuck in his throat.  Well, part of Tate's disorder causes nodules to grow in his esophagus and stomach and intestines so I knew what he was feeling wasn't really the fries being stuck in his throat.  They were caught lower down, but it was feeling like it was higher up because of the constriction.  So, we talked for a little while then I got off the phone and thought about it and called back.  I knew he was going to need to go a week on just the Elecare formula.  One week may not completely do the trick, but I was praying it would do a lot of good to help calm things down and maybe even stay off the oral steroids. 
Well, day one came and he did really good for lunch - he drank his "cup" at the Japanese Steak House they went to, but then came time for supper.  On Tuesday nights they always go to Chick-Fil-A for Family Fun Night and 99 cent meals.  Tate only is able to eat the fries there - or actually at most places since he isn't allergic to potatoes, but even though he isn't allergic to chicken we don't get it out because sometimes places bread it with egg in the breading or grill with butter - or there is other animal fat products in it - so we just don't chance it.  Potatoes it is.  He is happy with that and his formula - and a coke from time to time. 
He called me before it was time to go.  He was asking me to pleeeeeease let him start "no solids" the next day (how many times have I bargained like that?).  He "promises" he will just do cups the next day, but really wants to eat the fries at ChickFilA tonight. My heart hurts for him (as I am sure God's does when I whine to him convincingly), but as the parent I have a responsibility to press on even when things may not be comfortable.  I listened to Tate, commiserated with him, listened to him cry about not wanting to drink his cup in front of others (ah ha!), and understood his need to "be tough" and "be better" in hopes he could have a different outcome right then.  Again, how often does that happen for us all?  We "suck it up" in hopes that ignoring our current issue will get us to a believed "better place" right then?  Sometimes it is worth it - a lot of times it just compounds future issues and pain. 
So, I held firm and stuck to it with Tate.  I did my best to help him understand and let him know I understood his concerns, but what I said is for the best even though it is uncomfortable right now. 
I do have to admit - had I not recently been depriving my flesh of all things really good lately - cake, ice cream, sweets, candy, etc., and exercising 6 days a week - I probably would have felt "sorry" for his situation right then and let him "start over" the next day.  But, really, when we do that-does tomorrow ever come?
So - my baby boy grew up a little on Tuesday - and so did his mom.  I am praying against the dread I am beginning to feel in regards to the upcoming second grade school year.  The perceived pressure from other children, the questions from parents when your child doesn't eat anything at parties, and the pressure - although meant to be loving - from family and friends that feel there must be SOMETHING that "poor child" can eat!  Why does our society revolve around food?  Is this just me?  Is this just my family?  Do I just have a higher sensitivity to it because of weight issues, food allergies, and severe GI issues in my youngest? 
I don't know.  I do know this is an opportunity for me and my family - and most especially Tate- to find other ways to relate with others besides through food - other ways to celebrate, comfort, mourn, and fellowship. 
I can't help but note that if we stop focusing so much on the storm (what is happening around us) and focus on Jesus (look directly at Him and draw near to him - James 4:8a) then everything else sort of fades away - it is all background noise - nothing to really take note of.  So, who cares if we walk funny, or have a huge zit on our lip and our lip is twice its size, or we can't eat solid food with our friends and family, or wear the same brands as others? Well - too often we do - but take heart - Jesus knows what we are feeling, wanting, needing, and always is with us - providing for us, giving us comfort, and filling in those lonely spots where we sometimes think friends are "supposed" to be. 
I am forever grateful of the past I have been allowed to live through - this has helped prepare me for my future - good and bad - I take heart for me and my children in God's word - Jeremiah 29:11; Romans 8:28 and so very many others.  I also know for a fact that Hebrews 13:2 is so very true.
Today, take time to really thank God for your body - for what you have - and even what you don't.  Thank him for what you have learned through lean and difficult times, but also the times of blessings poured out on you where you were able to pour out on others  - May I ever be found faithful in His sight.

Taking Out the Trash

These past two weeks I have been taking the time to focus on me.  What I want for me, my body, my marriage, my kids, my life.  What I hope my legacy will be to those coming behind me, etc.  These are things I have thought on in the past - and will continue to re-evaluate in the future I am sure, but these past two weeks have been different. 
A friend, named Lucy, gave me a journal that she decorated the front with jewels and my name.  Inside she simply wrote, "It is time for a new chapter."  She later told me God gave her that word for me.  I have thought about that, asked God what he meant and have just pondered.  During this time I have also been literally cleaning out closets - mine and the kids - letting go of things I thought I would wear one day - things I can remember wearing before, etc.  It is something every larger person has done - held on to what was.  How significant is that in my whole life?  I have held on to how things "used to be" with my husband and me - instead of focusing on "how much better they are gonna be", I have focused on "what I didn't have" instead of thanking God for all that I did have before it, too, was gone. Yeah - I have had moments that I have paused and really been thankful after someone has lost a child and then I focus on spending more time with mine - or after my grandfather died - I have been more aware of what people leave behind - in stuff and memories.  (By the way - I don't want mine to be just about stuff - hence the closets being cleaned out.)
So I joined Lucy and MH in exercise classes at the local church for free.  Zumba classes.  LOVE THEM!!
and began going twice a week.  Well, my second night of going this lady from the church that lets us have class there came up to the teacher of our class (now picture 200 women sitting on the floor of a gym about to start class with music going and an older, properly dressed women comes up and begins talking to the leader of our workout group).  She spent about 10-15 min talking to our leader  and then they walked together around the gym and then the lady left and our instructor turned off the music and let us know the church was asking us to leave.  We were exceeding the fire code in our number of people, using too much of their paper products in the bathroom, were asked not to bring children anymore to class, we are running up the cost of their power by using their air conditioning, etc.  So, class was canceled for the week and she would be looking for a new venue for us to meet in.  We still gathered and prayed- which is one of the main things about this group - to be a support in prayer- and then dispersed.  Was I disappointed?  Oh yeah.  I was finally liking something that required sweating.  But no big deal, right?  Did I think the church was a little over the top?  Uh, yeah, but what made me laugh was how many times in my life have I run into people like that?  People that become more attached to the building and things in it than the people the building is holding.  I really was able to see that woman as a person that had probably put a lot of time and effort into this 'house' of hers and could see where she felt possessive.
Long story short - had this woman not had her 'hissy fit' (although this was not supported by the church and our group has been reinstated there - but we voluntarily bring toilet paper and people don't bring children) - then our group wouldn't have had a break. Had that group not had a break then Lucy might not have been motivated to find a group somewhere else - which she did at a Civic Center about 25 min away.  So, we all trooped over there that Saturday morning to try out that class.  Then I began to become inspired.  I realized I can do what I need to for me.  I can get up at 4 am and drive thirty minutes for a body pump class from 5 am to 6 am and take a shower in their showers and drive 30 min back to work.  I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME!!!!  So, that is what I have been doing these last two weeks.  This Friday rounds out week number two of exercising 6 days a week.  This has led to me actually looking at what I am putting into my mouth.  The women that lead the two Zumba classes have both lost over 80 pounds in the last year.  One with just Zumba and diet.  The other with Zumba, Body Pump and diet.  I am inspired.  So, since God allowed me to get an iPhone I figured I should put it to good use.  I keep a log of my exact calories (right down to mayo) on it daily.  I then transfer this into my journal at night.  I have energy and excitement.  I look forward to my day - if not necessarily to the work - I look forward to how I feel after I work out.  In my mind's eye I am beginning to see me as God sees me.  I guess now I want to look in the mirror and have that reflected back in every way.  Not only that, but I also see it is time to set an example with my actions for my children.  Not to say something and then hold myself to another standard, "because I am older", etc.  That has just been an excuse to use and manipulate with. 
Today I was taking out the trash at work.  This is not something new for me.  I have been doing this since taking this job two years ago.  Today was different.  I realized today I wasn't embarrassed to be taking out the trash.  NOT because I have a four year college degree and I take out trash (not because I have to - I just do), but because the bags are see through.  all the buildings in this parking lot are one story and glass enclosed.  Everyone can see everything.  Every move I feel like I am in a fish bowl.  Funny thing is I am probably the only one in this whole complex that really people watches that much.  Anyway - I took out the trash early this a.m.  I realized halfway to the dumpster that I wasn't embarrassed of what I was carrying - I wasn't walking praying no one saw what I had in the bag.  I didn't wait til the evening - put it in my car and drive it to the dumpster - I walked it. 
Why is this so significant?  Because to be embarrassed of your own garbage is very telling - it says we have things to hide.  TruFaced is a book I read this spring that helped me begin to let go of what others think and what I think and focus on what God says.  Focus on who God is.  Focus on God as Abba (daddy).  He already knows everything anyway - what do I think I am hiding?  Just like they say in Al anon and AA - "Secrets Keep You Sick".  I had a secret (not so secret) love of cookie dough, ice cream, chips and dip, diet mtn. dews, and any kind of chocolate candy - Reese's cups, mounds bars, etc - I would buy them by bags and bring them to work and share them so I could justify eating them.  But then I had to walk the trash out. 
I am so excited about the work that God is doing in my life.  Truly from the inside out!! 
Instead of ice cream I am buying sugar free jello and whipped cream.  I have perfected a 50 cal bowl of both that is great and satisfying to me.  Even more so when I know what I am saving in calories.  I have found that a Jr. Frosty is not a punishment.  I also realize that all things fat free are not good for me - I look at sugar and calories and weigh that against amount I would get to determine if I am willing to make that trade off. 
Same with each choice in my day.  Am I going to hound and nag? or appreciate and show love for the moment?  Can I smile just because or do I have to find fault with everything?  God has given my life a "do over" and I am going to get rid of the "trash" and "do it right!!"

The Butterfly Effect

Two days ago my youth minister from years ago - the man that stood before God and performed the marriage between my husband and myself - and a man I now would call a friend, but still hold in a place of adolescent "awe" - wrote an entry about M'Fuge.  This is a camp for young people to come together, worship, be encouraged, strengthened, and serve others.  He challenged and encouraged those that read his blog to pray for the impact this camp will not only have on these adolescents, but on their own families, friends, and communities when they return home. 
So, having experienced camps similar in the past, I did just that.  I prayed.  It also got me thinking even further.  God has given me a running theme over the past few years about how he uses those around me to feed into me - sometimes they feed me good food  - sometimes it is rotten.  Depending on my place in life - through age, maturity, education, support system, and spiritual growth usually depends on which food I receive the most of at the time - so which part of my "man" is fed more - my 'spirit' man - or my 'flesh'?
I have been shown in the most recent of years very practical ways of  "paying it forward" and when I was asked to speak at a friend's 50th birthday a few years ago, on behalf of my son, I focused on how this friend and his wife had taught me this concept more than anyone else in life so far - and I began to apply it. 
A few years later my church began encouraging "acts of kindness" at Christmas.  We are encouraged to do something anonymously for people behind us in line or in a restaurant, etc - and never give our name - just leave the card - the card said something like, "God loves you" and then gave service times at our church.  I love doing that - and as a family we started doing it even without the cards - it has been so fun!
So, I began to think of how it really does only take one person - like the book Andy Andrews wrote, "The Noticer" - to make a massive difference in the life of another - and you may never fully grasp the impact you have - EVER - until heaven.  But, God knows - and He only asks for our obedience to what he asks of us.  Does he ask us to pray? Open a door? Give money or time?  Does he ask us to really go beyond our comfort zone and give our furniture or car?  What about our best dishes or our best shoes?  What about our smile?  What if it really is to cash out our retirement?  We are only asked to be obedient. 
We are not responsible for what God does with any of our gifts, talents, or possessions - they are really his anyway - and even if we choose not to bless someone - he will still meet that person's need, we just could have had the awesome blessing of having been a part of it. 
I am a living example that not only does prayer work, but youth camps help create needed foundations - and youth workers build on that.  God already knows what his plan is  - He also knows how he would like for it to be accomplished.  But, even if our free will interferes with that, His Will will prevail - but WOW! don't you want to be a part of that awesome Butterfly Effect?

Learning to Swim

So, the 12 year old inside of me reared herself again yesterday.  Basically when I have been able to stop, talk to others, listen to others in similar situations, and remind myself what God says is true - despite how I may FEEL  at the moment - then I see it all boils down to my pride.  If pride weren't involved I wouldn't have a need to make sure "everything is going to work out", and if fear wasn't in the passenger seat screaming (due to a lack of depth perception) each time I get close to something that even smells or looks like it has the potential to hurt me eventually - and by "depth perception" I am referring ultimately to a lack of faith in the driver, Jesus.  He's not supposed to be my "co-pilot".  He is supposed to have the reigns.  But, I digress. 
I think I get Ezekiel 47 now, though, or at least the first part of it.  Will I be the type Christian that only wades into their faith - or will I swim? 
Thank you, Jesus, for Lucy, and for Norma.  Last night I was in an meeting and people were speaking about being "humbled" again.  That humility is what is needed.  I literally said to myself (after admitting to the entire group I didn't want to even be there, so I knew I needed to be) that I was TIRED of being humbled!!!
Yep.  A smart person would have realized that she had basically just smarted off to her parent and apologized and straightened up.  Usually I am smart.  Not last night - but my dear Abba Father is merciful anyway.  He has been hearing my confusion of late, my anger that has been boiling to the surface from things I thought I had dealt with - and then the feelings of guilt I have had with feeling I should not be having to go through all of this again - I mean - good golly miss molly - -we just did this!! - when will I get it? Right?!
God showed me last night, through my friend Lucy, that my feeling that I know best at times (well - really most times in my personal opinion) is born of a "haughty" or "Jezebel" spirit.  Hmmm.  I have had the truth spoken to me enough to know if it pricks a little the person speaking is probably right.  What she said didn't prick my "feelings" - it pricked my "pride" - which to me confirmed that God was trying to tell me something.  Of course, I wasn't sure what it was or if I would be ready - I admitted to myself and God and Lucy - and later the group - and this was so very difficult for me....I am angry, and I am really ready to give up on this whole thing. 
Give up on "recovery", "healing", "restoration for my marriage", everything.  I am frustrated.  I am tired.  I am tired of being hurt and frustrated.  I am tired of repeating the same things.  I am tired of being the fool. 
I even said out loud to Lucy last night that I think I might now  - not before - but now - be getting angry with God.  To what purpose?  I know in my head it does no good - but the 12 year old wants to know why do I have to keep being stretched to the point of pain?  Why isn't this (what I have already learned and gone through) "good enough"? 
When did I become so all knowing and all powerful?  When did God endow me with those giftings?  Riiight. 
Yet here I have kicked, cried, internally screamed, and ranted at the injustice of life and why things have to work out so slowly.  Can't we just move this along?  And while we are on that topic, don't you want to know how and where it needs to be moved, God?  So, God smiled at me last night and took my "haughty/Jezebel" self to an alanon meeting.  One I did not want to be at as I said before.  After all, I was ready to call it a day - give up on this "program" and be done.  Alanon has a saying, "it works if you work it".  How true.  The steps are there for a reason.  In that order for a reason.  Please know I learned that again tonight.  I was reminded in a very real way that this "program" - or for you it may be referred to as "life" - is about PROGRESS! - not perfection or instant results.  It is okay to figure out what I need and what I don't need.  What I am and what I am not comfortable with.  It is okay to fall, get back up and have to climb those same steps again! (Read Proverbs 24:16) God allowed me to share my heart's burdens with the group - not only did they listen, but they also shared their own experience, strength and hope.  God used one woman in particular to speak directly to my hurting heart.  She is in her 60s and is a functioning illiterate.  She has always been very kind and encouraging to me when we have been in meetings together - I had no idea she couldn't read- reading the steps is part of our opening - lots of people pass - so I never really thought about it.  But, God used her specifically to remind me last night that I am loved, I am of worth to Him, He is in control, He does hear me, He is covering all my needs - and always has - he also used her to ask me - am I really listening to Him or just spending all my time whining and stomping around and trying to fit what isn't into what I want it to be?  He reminded me that what He says about me is what matters.  If I let my mind replay the same negative statements to myself - about myself or my husband or any situation then I am already defeated - but if I listen to God - I won't be stuck - I can move forward - I won't sink as Peter did when he took his eyes off Jesus. 
It is okay if I need a time out for me, and it is okay if I am not perfect by my standards or the worlds.  Through God's grace and mercy He is sanctifying me!
Thank you, Father -
I am ready - Please help me swim!

For Lucy

Last evening I was given the opportunity spend some wonderful time with friends I have made here in this town and through my church.  I went to a Zumba class (LOADS OF FUN!!!) with them for exercise.  Afterwards we were outside discussing various things and among them God's blessings in our lives.  My friend, who asked to be called "Lucy", was showing us all the car that God has recently given to her family.  Now, this isn't just a car - this is a Volvo, Cross Country station wagon, leather, turbo, sunroof (my fav), etc, etc - you get the picture.  She was sharing with us how God gave her a desire she had jokingly voiced, but truly knowing Lucy, you would know she would have been happy with anything her Father chose to give to her and her family.  She was just filled to overflowing with this particular blessing - and to top it off - it had a FULL tank of gas! 
So as we were talking I was reflecting on how God has so willingly and creatively met so many needs of mine in my life. One of the best has been through the people he has put in my life.  I really really really thought that when I wrote my entry in December thanking people in my life, that I had named those in my life currently by their intitals.  I went back and read it today and see that she was so right - I didn't.  I KNOW what I was saying from my heart in that entry, but evidently didn't convey it very well.  I also know, because of the nature of issues discussed in this blog, anonymity is important to me.  So, what I want to do now is take a little time and thank my loving, provider, Jesus Christ, for the oh so many people he has placed in my life throughout the years. 
Because of loss I experienced at an early age I was given the gift of letting people know my appreciation for them probably earlier than most people mature into thinking about things like that.  I am not bragging.  I am just stating facts.  Trust me - anything positive in me or my life is only by the grace of an Almighty God!
So - beginning my senior year I began writing people and thanking them for what they meant to me.  That continued into college - I especially am thankful I did this with my mom's parent's.  My mom's mom was not quite sick with Alzheimer's yet and was able to truly hear my heart - and she wrote me back.  Then after my kids were born I went through a period of writing people - sometimes I just call.  I know people think I just get emotional and sappy, but I truly mean all I say.  My life could have been SO different had it not been for God placing them in my life.  Not only that, but that they responded to God's prod to serve in areas they served or move to areas they moved to or open up their home to me, etc. 
Then Facebook came on the scene.  When I first got on FB I tried to send a message to all my old youth workers from my home church.  To let them know how much they influenced me, helped by just listening and spending time with me, etc.  I am not sure it did anything for any of them, but it did for me.
So, now let me thank those God has currently placed around me  - those prayer warriors, friends, ones that have provided more times than I can count in a pinch:
To Lucy:  You so willingly came to my first ever small group at church.  You have no idea how nervous I was about leading a small group - that no one would find mine among the hundreds - but WOW! Look at all God did from that group.  The Hillcrest ministry, our friendship, your prayers for me and my family, your encouragement of me as a child of God, your living testimony of God's love. At the end of that group you gave me a journal.  You had no clue I have kept journals most of my life, but you said to me that God would use my words one day - and oh how I pray that that is true!!  I am so blessed to know you - your love for God, your family, and life in general.  Thank you for making that call!! (and thank you so much for sharing your husband with me  =)  *wink*wink*- no seriously - "superman" has been a God send in so very many ways. He loves Jesus, and he so very, very much loves his wife - you two are a wonderful inspiration to the rest of us mere mortals! - and he's not half bad with my car either which is endearing in its self :ha ha ha:)
To Mel:  I joke that I have done more damage to you than anything else, but look at the evolution of our relationship.  God placed you in my life at a time He knew I desperately needed A person to care for my sick child when I could not.  There is no guilt like a mother's guilt.  Even if there is no help for the circumstances that force needing help - mom's still have guilt.  You stepped in - there were days I was so jealous that you were getting to have all those "moments" with my child that I wanted to so much.  To take him to the park, watch him write, read, play, smile, sing, etc.  You put up with my unexplained (and on my part not always understood) moodiness with a readiness to help.  You helped train our dog and have loved all my kids as if they were your own.  I have watched you mature as a mom and wife and Christian and have been so thankful that God has allowed me to be a part of this with you.  You have gone from employee to friend and for that I am ever grateful to God. 
RM:  For you and your husband's love for God - your laughter and willingness to share.  For Ed's creative inspiration and his willingness to share it - no matter what or where - God has used him to inspire me!  God has given me so much from that small group - solid partners in prayer - other mothers going through life with the same struggles with money, food, and "mommy issues" as me - I am forever grateful that you and Ed, were also placed in my life as a gift from God. 
MG:  Probably one of the first women at church, along with SC, that I felt connected with that I did not already know.  You listened to my struggle that night at the retreat and have been a prayer force and example in my life since.  I do not have you on a pedestal - you are just a very good reflection of God's love and power to me.  I thank Him for allowing me to know you!
SC:  What to say and where do I begin?  You are the example I want to be.  You have literally taken difficult times in your life - times you had to become creative - but stayed rooted in God and asked for his guidance -and look what he has grown!!  A ministry that has quickly become spread throughout the southeast - and now you have taken it with you west - but you did not just leave behind the ability to "find good deals" - you left behind the teaching about God's provision, the importance of passing on to others, and what the Proverbs 31 woman really looks like - and that being a Proverbs 31 woman IS attainable when we are led by God.  Thank you, and God bless you and your family!
Again - there are so many others  - so little time - and I am poorly focused right now - just know I dearly love each and every person God has allowed to come into my life - even those that I have had "conflict" with - because those conflicts have allowed a refining inside me also.  God knows exactly what he is doing.  He knew the church I would need to be attending and how to get me there, He knew the people I would need speaking life into me, and how to have me meet them, and He knows where I am headed from here.
Thank you, Lucy, for spurring this on!!

God and Prozac

Okay - Probably not the most wonderful of titles, but there we are.  This is a struggle I have had on and off for years.  Biblically I have learned SO much about familial bonds/curses that need to be broken off.  Spirits we allow to take hold - like in the Bible where the demon was cast out but the acknowledgement that he would come back and legions would join.  I think the warning was - you have to put something in its place.  If you fill it with your old patterns then they will become more, bigger, and stronger - but if you will establish new patterns and feed them and allow them time to root then they will fill that hole.  Any recovery program talks about "putting something in 'its' place".  I just happen to believe that the Healer was the one that gave that step originally (and maybe again to Bill Wilson). 

I guess you noticed I have been silent for a couple of months.  Not because my life has been silent, but because - I guess you could say - my spirit has been silent.  Or maybe my spirit has been oppressed.  I am not sure.  I do know that what I have been experiencing these last months was not a "rest".  I have not been at rest.  My prayers and words have been blocked.  I have had to trust with all my heart that even then the Holy Spirit was before the Throne interceding for me.  Begging God to have mercy on me.  He has. 

On Saturday, April 3rd, 2010, I had an encounter with the Living Christ.  There is no other way to put it.  I believe that since about two weeks following that event the enemy - in all his scheming lying deceiving ways - has done all he possibly can to get me to not move forward at all after what I experienced.  I believe myself to have been a Christian most of my life.  I remember walking the isle at my home church and asking Jesus to come into my heart.  I believe I have have loved him since that day.  I know I have struggled a lot with "doing right" and "being right" in my relationship with him.  I didn't want to be out of favor with him.  Basically - I didn't want him to ever be upset with me or disappointed.  Funny thing is - no matter what I have tried to do - pray, lead Sunday Schools, serve in the nursery, serve on the mission field - home and foreign - give, give more, do more - I never felt like I was doing things quite right.  To top it off I would have these "experiences" and then just go right back to having the same doubts and confusions about how I was playing it out in my life.  Guess what I learned on April 3rd, 2010?  I don't have to do ANYTHING.

Let that really sink in.  I have had to. I come from a family with an extremely strong work ethic.  Personally I don't view this as a bad thing.  This work ethic motivated me to get a job at 14 (yes, paying into social security since age 14), put myself through college, pay for my car, work three jobs while in college, never default on a loan, bounce a check only three times (I know - too many, but still), pay off my credit cards (although that was a difficult lesson to learn saved for another entry all together), and work full time while having three children and a husband.  Not just any children.  One with chronic special needs (although more manageable - only by the Grace of an Almighty God!), and two with asthma which require many doctor visits and sometimes a hospitalization.  Anyone with a family understands household duties, upkeep, yard work, laundry, grocery shopping, chauffeuring, extended family responsibilities, etc.  Not to mention if you want to have friends or go to church or be involved in church groups, etc.  Let's just say I thank my mother for showing me how not to give up even when I may want to. 

So, where my life could have been so much different - I could have felt sorry for myself and had no one to prod me out of my self pity (thank you all my youth leaders and workers and friends), I could have dropped out of college when I got bored with it (thank you family stigma that would not allow such a thing!!), I could have walked out on my marriage the first day things became difficult (IE: didn't go my way - which pretty much would have been month two - even before I knew about the alcohol - although finding out about the alcohol made things make so much more sense!), and I could have given my first child to my mom to raise when I didn't think I was going to be able to make it through another day without hurting her (but I didn't - and again - another story for another day).  Through everything God has continually placed people, songs, verses, circumstances in front of me to push, prod, and guide me into the place He wanted me to go - I see it looking back - difficult in the midst - but so easy looking back.  Thankfully I know that without a shadow of a doubt now - so when I get a little disoriented in my "dark spots" I know that "the Light" is right there.  Never leaving, never wavering, always guiding the way.  I struggle with resting - not working.  Even when I call myself 'resting' my mind will still be going.  Anxious - thinking, planning, drawing, writing, etc.  Sometimes this is a good thing.  Sometimes - not so good.  I have a freedom in knowing that God already knows exactly what is on my plate for the future.  The good the bad and the ugly.  Long ago he gave me a verse, Romans 8:28, and how completely life affirming that verse has been to me.  I used to have it as my car tag.  (Now I have Hebrews 13:2.)

All of this rambling to say - after my encounter with Christ on that Saturday.  I felt and came to know a freedom like no other.  I was urged by the spirit to get to know what Christ says about me.  What the Bible says about me as God's word.  I started this process and then sank.  I cannot explain it.  Almost like a paralysis.  So - after much internal debate I have gone back on Prozac.  Now, depending on who you talk to - myself included - you will get many different ideas of whether or not psychiatric meds should be necessary for believers.  I think just like any other medication they can be needed for a certain period of time for certain reasons.  If I had not worried about the "stigma" related to psych meds after delivering my first child I don't think I would have had post partum depression as long or as intensely as I did - or I would have been more willing to discuss it.  But, just like other "firsts" in my life, I think God allowed me to go through that to be able to alert others to the dangers and help relieve some of the stigma surrounding taking medications. 

I do love Jesus.  I have recently had an extremely intimate experience in His presence.  I am a saint that sins. I am a beloved child of God.  Skinned knees and elbows from taking off ahead of him and all!  He loves me EXACTLY how I am.  He made me.  He knows the gifts and abilities and talents and desires he placed inside me yet to be discovered - waiting to be fulfilled by him and with me.  He knew my parents before I did.  He hand picked me for my children (I really pray for them and their covering!! ;o) ) He gave my husband to me and me to my husband.  While flawed - together we are good as long as we are wrapped in our Creator's Love.

I am thankful for a God willing to create Prozac for an anxiety addict like me (well - praying for reformation!!)  So, to anyone else out there - struggling with something - feeling you can't admit you might need "help" - whether from a support group, medication, prayer from an elder or church leader - Please know I have said a prayer for you today.  A prayer that you would find freedom in knowing that even when we think we are "doing wrong" - as a child of God, He's got you covered!! (Jeremiah 29:11, Romans 8:28)

"Dear Jesus,
Father, thank you so much for always providing. Whether it is people, songs, sermons, medications, or whatever - thank you.  I have no idea if anyone even reads this blog, but I know you didn't give me these words for no reason.  I pray, Dear Jesus, that these words touch those they are meant to.  That even the slightest tug would be responded to by that person.  Father that you would prepare their heart in advance to receive the Healing your death on the cross has given.  Thank you, Father, for loving us as we are - not as cleaned up, spiffed up, good enough to come before you people, but as broken, bedraggled, muddy, humbled individuals needing to be infused with your life and blood that you so freely give.  I love you and thank you so much for continually blessing me and my life.  Most of all, Father, thank you for releasing my words again"  Amen

Today

Well, it was two more days, and many ugly things said, before my husband did move out.  After three days he said he wanted help.  On the fourth day he went into the hospital for detox.  He was there about four days.  This is average.  He was out on Thursday and really nothing had changed.  Then God stepped in.  I had let my husband know he had to move out - to concentrate on him without the distraction of me and the kids.  I really did want to be lacking the stress of worry having him under the same roof while he worked on recovery.  I know me.  I am controlling.  I need things to be done in a certain order a certain way.  I know that if I were to observe his recovery and it not meet my "expectations" then my stress would ramp up.  More than that I am tired.  Exhausted actually.  Emotionally and physically.  The physical exhaustion is all part of the emotional toll, but it is what it is. 
God stepped in.  I thought at the time it was confirmation that He wanted us to be able to work things out - and maybe he does, but right now I don't see that happening.  Every day is so different.  My husband threw himself into his program, but this week (since being told he doesn't have to turn in attendence records) he has backed off.  For reasons I knew from the beginning would come up.  I was reminded in group last week that you will be able to tell the tree (and where the roots are planted and functioning) by the kind of fruit it bears.  So true.  I have been trying to force my life into what I think it should be.  Trying to make my circumstances what I feel they need to be.  I am seriously seeing how that is so not working out.  The reality of my situation is that I cannot make anyone do what they don't want to.  All I can do is decide if I want to stay and be a part of the fallout from certain decisions. 
We go from not being able to talk about anything to having really good discussions where we both feel heard.  I believe we are both hearing - then we get busy with life. 
I know for certain God is in the business of healing.  I know for certain that he loves me and has called me according to his purpose.  I also know for certain that no matter where my children and I are - what matters is how we handle the current situation.  We could be in the nicest home in the nicest town, but have no stability or time together and they could turn out like any other hoodlum.  Do I think peer group matters?  Yes, but it is who you spend the most time with that counts the most.  So, I could work more to have more, but actually end up losing more by not being able to spend more time with my children.  I know that for this period of my life I cannot take on a job that demands more from me than I have to give.  I will not make any major decisions about anything right now.  What I am going to do is pray, think, evaluate, and then decide.  God stepped in those two - almost three weeks ago now - and took away my anger.  I honestly have none.  Not even now when I feel hurt all over again.  No, my husband isn't drinking that I know of, but things between us may truly be beyond the time and effort it is going to take for God to repair us.  I don't know.  All I know for sure is that I too often underestimate the size and power or my God and his love for me and my family. 
I am only taking things one day at a time.  Today I will meet my mom and get what she needs to give me, then I will spend time with my children tonight - homework, devotion, baths, and bed.  This weekend we will spend time together praising God and remembering the sacrifice he gave us in his son.  We will also spend time outside enjoying this fabulous weather.  I so cannot wait.
I love Jesus.  I so very much thank him for all the pain he took on his body to heal my hurts and my diseases (Psalm 103).  I am so grateful for Jesus rising from the dead and conquering death to show me that with him, ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE! (not just the things I can think or see, but even those I cannot even comprehend).
I pray you all have a very happy and blessed Easter.

....and to Stephanie, a very special thank you for sharing your daughter's date of birth with my own.  Blessings to all God has for you, Julie Nell!

The Truth in Love

Last night my husband let us all know that he will be moving out today.  He admits he cannot control this disease and needs help to do so.  There was a lot more said, feelings hurt, and tears shed, but ultimately he is correct.  HE cannot control this.  I cannot control this.  I cannot fix it for him.  He has to surrender - daily - and admit his powerlessness over this disease and so do I.
I have tried helping this to be less painful for us all, and by doing so I think I have gotten in the way.  I take responsibility for the choices and decisions I have made over this past four day period.  These have not been easy or comfortable decisions - at times I have wondered if I did the right thing, but then I look at my kids or my husband and realize that I have. 
I am still prayerful.  I am still hopeful - although at times I wonder if my hope for restoration is not in God's plan.  I am still hurt, but I recognize the hurt for what it is and give the anger to God - my Comforter, Strength, and Provider - when it rears its ugly head.
I pray he does move out and gets the help he needs and that restoration IS the plan.  Surrender is needed.  Words are good, action is also good - but surrender is needed to help open the heart for God to reshape and realign- and then actions that come from that newly shaped heart will be more trustworthy.
One of the alanon slogans is that as members we come to share our "experience, strength, and hope".  I have taken and taken from others in the group - their experiences, their strength gained, and cling to the hope they share.  I have had my moments of being able to share within the group, too. 
Last night I was able to share with my children my experience, my strength (God), and my hope (promises God gives us in His word).  The experiences I had as a child in a divorced family were not always bad - although that is what is most easily remembered.  The times that stick out for me as being "bad" were more times of embarassment about what was going on or how my dad was behaving, etc - Last night was like a flashback to that.  My husband sitting the kids down - letting them know he was leaving - throwing some jabs my way - but then attempting to reel them back.  My dad did something very similar.  I knew what the kids were feeling because I had been there.  It is not where I ever envisioned my kids to be, but I also was able to show them how God had provided for me during that time, what I experienced, and what I realized years later.  I encouraged them to continue to draw closer to God on a daily basis and not to let the enemy take over their thoughts - to concentrate on what is right, pure, uplifting......
I then went back to Hebrews as prompted from a friend.  I have been reading on who God is lately - but the chapters I read last night reminded me of what Jesus did for me and how he has experienced exactly what I am going through.  My pastor is also doing a series right now that is almost mimicking my daily walk and is so timely for me and my children. 
I am so thankful to God for knowing where I would be this week and what I would be needing - and providing it.  I am also so thankful to God for hearing my cries and prayers for my husband and my children during this time, but also for myself.  I am so very thankful for a past I have mostly considered negative, but that same past is allowing me to know for certain that God is here, is listening, and does use all things for my good.  He will continue to do so, too. 
Like I told my kids last night - we may be uncomfortable at times - and especially right now - but the closer we draw to God he draws closer to us.  As I was also reminded by my friend- as we interceed for their dad - Jesus is before the throne interceding on our behalf. 
I am so richly blessed to have friends now and in the past that God has handpicked and placed around me to buffer me on this road of life - that as I start to slide down or off they push and prod me back into place.  Sometimes this is physical - most times it is through speaking the truth in love.
I pray you have a blessed day and that you are filled with joy at the works God is doing in your life!!!

God's Comfort

It is so easy to say you believe in God and trust in God - until your faith is tested through trials and tribulations. Then the rubber meets the road so to speak.

This week has been a continuation of testing and chances for my faith and trust to be built in God. Not only that, but also I have been given the opportunity on numerous occasions to see how God has used things and people from my past to minister to my now. He consistently amazes me. Not only does he use past people and life experience to feed the now - He also uses those that I have come to know since being in this town to teach me, bless me, meet physical, spiritual, and emotional needs right when I have needed it. I will say God has allowed me to be uncomfortable enough to get my attention. This is not always enjoyable - actually - this has not been very enjoyable at all except when I DO pay attention in these times I completely see the hand of God. There is a quote I read in a devotion for those that are members of Al-Anon. "Once again I had to sit and feel the discomfort of letting go." How true this has been for me. I am sure some of you have felt the same over various circumstances in life. When we think we have a handle on things - or when we think we know the answer and how things should play out to be the best for everyone. Something happens, though, reminds you that control is an illusion, and things around us are not what or where our focus and hearts should be - but our hearts should be focused on God and His characteristics.......like consistency and steadfastness...provider....comforter....healer. The list is longer - but you get the idea.

Last night I was concerned about my oldest daughter. I call her "Boo". It is just a nickname - don't know why or from where - it has just always been. Anyway - as a mom you want your kids to have things they want within reason. Like a certain jacket or pair of jeans - or in this case - tennis shoes. But, realistically you know that if you spend that much on a pair of shoes then you have to go without something else - like internet for a month. Well, Boo has gotten to the point that I don't think she even tells me really what she most desires anymore because she figures we can't get it right now anyway. But see how God has provided...Buckle jeans (found some for less than a third of the price at a local consignment store)....Ugg boots (my sister had some she was willing for Boo to have - not the color Boo wanted, but even that turned out good. I had to talk her into trying them - because they were orange- and she really didn't want to - but did - then lo and behold! She came home and talked so long about how everyone looooved her boots, where did she get them, etc....I of course smiled)......Crocs (her sister bought the real ones for her).....and so on. So the most recent desire has been for Converse tennis shoes. She hasn't been harping on them like Moo has - but like I said - I think that is because she is feeling the financial pinch so to speak. A child came in our office the other day with some really cute hot pink fake converse on - she had gotten them at Dollar General. I left work a little early and decided to see if I could find Moo and Boo some at the DG. The first one didn't have any in Moo's size, but had ONE pair in Boo's - in bright blue - wasn't really even sure she wanted some - but got them. Then at the next DG there were none, but being a persistent mom, I began checking the packed boxes in the shoe section - found some pink and green camo ones for Moo and a pair of tan slide on shoes for Tate! WooHooo! So, that afternoon I was able to surprise them with it all. Moo was disappointed they weren't the color she wanted - but was happy enough and Tate was overjoyed (he really likes shoes), Boo - hard to read - I couldn't really tell if she liked them or not - she said she did, but her body language also said, "they are okay, whatever." So, I was disappointed - Moo's and Tate's were too big - Boo's fit great.

So, I was telling my friend that I really felt Boo said she liked them so as to not disappoint me. I didn't want that - I want Boo to say definitively what she does and does not like/want. I do not want her just trying to put herself second in order to please people or try and make them happy or go with the flow. Keep in mind I do know that compromise is essential to every good relationship, and that the ability to go with the flow is vital. I just want her to want things from her heart and not because she feels that will make people happy.

So - her heart is what I was concerned about - and that led to the whole, "I'm not sure I am being a good mom during this season in my family." My friend assured me that I am - she reminded me I am teaching them about God, what the Bible says, and they are watching love and mercy in action in our home. I needed to hear that - and God allowed her to say it to me.

Then, I got home and here is the note left on the bed by my 12 year old, 6th grade, Boo...

"Mom,

Hey, I just wanted to say I love you. I'm not really sure if this is correct I do this or not (yes, these are her words and exactly how she wrote it), but you always give us verses. So, here's one for you: Psalms 37:7. I love you a lot!.....P.S. I'm not saying dad is evil by this verse (and a smiley face here)" She drew a big heart with an arrow running through it and at the bottom of the page she wrote,’ do not be in troubles, rise above them!'

When did she grow up? I cried without even knowing what the verse said yet, because I knew that God was reassuring me that not only did he hear my concerns earlier, but he allowed me a glimpse of what he is doing - yet again - in my children - and using that to teach me.

Thank you, Jesus, for so richly blessing me and comforting me exactly when I need it every time!!!
 
"Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes."  Psalm 37:7 (this morning she told me she meant to include verses 4-7, but still - what a treasure to see God working in my children - and to minister to me, once again, no less!)

Yesterday

Too often I think of "yesterday".  "Yesterday we had fun", "yesterday I didn't have grey hair", "yesterday I weighed less", and on and on.  I read a C.S. Lewis quote the other day, "Has this world been so kind to you that you should leave with regret?  There are better things ahead than any we leave behind." 
I have heard of "seeing your life flash before your eyes" and things like that when something tragic, or almost tragic, happens.  Yesterday, I experienced a near death experience.  Well, as near as one can come before acutally being injured or killed anyway.  I am traveling down a road in my town to get my oldest from play practice at school.  There were two men jogging on the other side of the street.  The street is winding but not too bad.  All of a sudden they jump further off the road as a car comes careening around the bend - the car misses them (barely) and swerves - heading sideways in the curve and straight at me.  At this point there is horrible screeching of tires and me just sitting there thinking, "this isn't really happening.  I am going to die." No other thoughts - no life flash - who knows - maybe that was because it was not my time to go. 
At the last second she corrects but has lost control - goes past me, hits the phone pole and goes straight into the ditch and hits the boulder. There is a loud pop as her windows shatter and her car crumples.  The joggers and myself are in shock - but finally start moving - heading up the road - Then it hits me - they may be dead, I could have been dead - those men could have been dead - and then Amy Grant starts singing in my head - Angels Watching Over Me (after reading my other posts you know enough to know my brain is strange at times).  Anyway - with Amy singing - I dial 911 and think of my kids - who would take care of them?  Who would step up when my husband is not capable right now?  My mom and sisters have too much of their own stuff - my brother has just started, really, his married life - no kids yet - and my dad wouldn't be able to either - I think my husband's daughter and her husband would step in - but would the court give them problems? there is no life insurance on me - I wonder if they can get social security?  All while on hold with 911. 
Finally, I get to find the girls in the car are not only alive - by the sheer grace of God Almighty!, but are completely uninjured!  She is a teen, late for practice, and, "so sorry".  I was not real sympathetic.  She almost killed three people and upended so many many lives for being late.
Wow! what an eye opener for a chronic speeder like me. 
I don't have to answer those questions today that came up yesterday, but I do know that my heart is praying even more for a breakthrough with my husband and his condition - that he would completely surrender and humble himself to the Lord.  I don't want to have to think about the questions from yesterday.....at least not today.

Divine Disciplinary Dealings

"It is good that I should hope in and wait quietly for the salvation (the safety and ease) of the Lord. It is good that I should bear the yoke [of divine disciplinary dealings]."

Lamentations 3:26-27 (pg 182 Joyce Meyer's book The Secret Power of Speaking God's Love)

'Divine disciplinary dealings' is what I believe I have going on. Perseverance is what I think God is building in me. Maybe not even only perseverance - maybe even consistency. That seems to be a continuing theme in my growth as a wife, Christian, and mom. I know that when I voice my growth through this blog or to a friend the enemy takes opportunities over the next days and months to try and get me off balance and whining again. God allows it. I often do give into the whining and fussing. I am praying that as He is growing me that I do actually become consistent and develop a healthy ability to persevere. The other part of that verse is about waiting quietly and hoping. I do have hope. Do I get discouraged when things are not as I would like them, or when problems are not worked out on my time table? Or - that problems just go away and stay away - but reality is that they don't? Yes, I do become discouraged. But thank you, Jesus, that you have grown me to where I recognize my reactions and patterns sooner than before and am able to address them with scripture and prayer.

Do I wish it all didn't hurt me? Yes. Frustrate me? Yes. Sorely disappoint? Yes, but I refuse to give up hope. The hope that God promises me in Jeremiah 29:11. I do believe when we allow our circumstances to be our focus, continuing to stay in the very same patterns of reacting to them we have in the past, and if we continue to not turn to our Father - we do get beaten down. This results in a loss of hope. The enemy rejoices at this.

Do I want to say, 'my husband is an alcoholic?' No. But, he is and I have come to believe that while I have no control over that or over him and his choices, I do have a Father that loves me and is walking in this with me. He is also trying to help my husband, but too often I watch as He is pushed away by him. It so very much saddens my heart - the anger tries to take over - and the anxiety rears its evil head. But I repeat God's promises - to myself and to the enemy on the attack. When I do I can breathe again. Whether or not my husband ever truly becomes sober or not will be between him and God. If he doesn't he is losing out on so very much that life with Christ and me and the children has to offer. We, as a family, and community, lose out on all that my husband has to offer, too.

During these times I also have to remind myself that there is more to my life than having a sober husband. Is this the life God planned for us when we married? No, I don't believe it is. As long as some are deceived the others are affected. I just pray for TOTAL healing, restoration, and deliverance from anything negative the enemy has planned from the choices being made. I trust God's word that says, "ALL THINGS work together for the good of those that love the Lord and are called according to His purpose in Heaven." Romans 8:28. I completely believe that God really does mean all things - not just the good, or the alcohol free things, or the drug free things, or the grief free things - ALL THINGS!! We have to believe and hope and wait and pray continually.

Please pray with me for this!!

The Hat

I cannot even begin to describe all God has been doing inside me and in my life over the past couple of months. I have vacillated between almost not being able to engage in things going on around me - getting up for work, interacting with my family, etc - all the way to life being something to appreciate and enjoy and share again. As I went through the motions necessary to get through my day something began to happen. Once again - as I stay connected to God, not crawl into my shell away from others, and do what is not easy - I find growth and learning and joy in the small things in life.
For those that know me know that my prayer has been, for a long time now, to be a better wife, mother, Christian, friend, etc. The trials of this past year have done nothing but give me opportunities to stretch and grow in all of these areas. I have not grown to the point of completion in any of them, but I am so excited at the growth that has occurred and the fruit being born of that.
I no longer feel exhausted and completely self focused. I have learned that focusing on me only leads to a lack of peace, joy, and creates more exhaustion. The world says constantly that we - especially women - "deserve" time off. Time to focus on "us" only and rejuvenate. I agree in some ways - even Jesus went off by himself to regroup and rest, but he did not go off by himself and shop, get his hair done, lay around, or gab on the phone - or even watch T.V. No, he went off and communed with his Father. That is where our "rejuvenating" occurs. It is important to take care of us in the physical, but it is so much more important to spend time with God and serve others. These are the ways we truly get peace, joy, happiness (although God is not overly concerned with our 'happiness' - just our character). As painful as growth is - physical or spiritual or relational - it is also a 'good' pain. I knew from past experiences that God would make something good come from all of what I have considered bad this past year. He has and he still is. I cannot describe the excitement bubbling up inside me for what is even yet to come - and the joy inside me that I get to help teach my children, also!!
You may be saying, 'easy to say when things are going well', and you would be right. But, "everything" around me is not 'right' in my eyes - My middle child is having problems from Drussen - this wasn't supposed to happen so soon. My eldest child is in middle school and experiencing some of the pains of growth there - that is opening up a whole new avenue in parenting that God is leading me through. My youngest is having more flare ups with his stomach pain and vomiting thanks to EOS and has even missed some school (unheard of in my family! - unless there is vomit ;o). The list goes on, but I will not bore you and we all know of hard times all around us and mine are really no worse than others. I am just saying that with a husband working on himself, me working on me, us working on our marriage, and then the parenting on top of all the activities, school plays, church, etc., it is still so exciting to see what God is doing through it all!!
For Christmas I was given the CD by Kutless, "It is Well". Song tracks 5 and 12 are by far my favorites. Five is encouraging and reminding and 12 is challenging. I have really thought about that alot - Can I still raise my hands if God took everything away? My heartfelt prayer is that yes, yes I would be able to. Not just because I am "supposed to", but more because I truly believe and know that God loves me - and knows what I am in the middle of - and just when I may take my eyes off Him and feel like I am drowning - He will reach down and grab me up - or send some 'human angel' to do the rescuing. Why do I believe this? Because I am experiencing it.
Best thing of the week (besides reading books like "Love Dare" - and putting it into practice- but also, 'how to have a new husband by Friday' - good educational book - "Sheet Music" - made me blush at times, but really good info, too! "How to have a New Kid by Friday" - let me just say - I have been practicing these principles for TWO days and today was so amazing! It really worked - and I danced a jig out the door. Thank you, God!) was when Tate was with me and the girls in Family Christian Bookstore on Sunday and found a hat he wanted. It was a hat that was like his dad's sweatshirt, but he didn't know that. It says, "Walk on Water - No Board, No Problem" and is sort of a take on surf shop advertisements. I didn't like that the hat did not include the verse as a reference on it like his dad's sweatshirt does. I asked Tate if he even knew what it was talking about (knowing he wouldn't and we would put it back). Much to my amazement he knew exactly what it was talking about and proceeded to tell me about it! What a humbling moment for me - and as he completed the story I knelt down in front of him and said, "yes, that is exactly what happened. Everything was fine with Peter walking toward Jesus on the water - during a big storm mind you - UNTIL Peter took his eyes off Jesus. When he did, he sank." What happened right then is that God, once again, used my children to teach me. Because I was so sure I was right that he didn't know the story I stopped to really listen to him instead of reading a book cover as he talked like I am prone to do in stores - well, it could be read anything - just listening with half an ear wherever I am. Then, as I heard the story from Tate, I knew God was saying to me, "Reeda, this is what happens with you. You are fine in the storm until you stop focusing on me." Wow! I sat there in the floor on my knees with all three kids looking at me - stunned at what I had just learned from God and from the mouth of my child being used by God to teach his ever so busy with life, mom. Thank you, Jesus.
Needless to say, we bought the hat. He loves it and it will always hold a dear place in my heart as a reminder of who we can learn from if we will stop and listen.