Today

Well, it was two more days, and many ugly things said, before my husband did move out.  After three days he said he wanted help.  On the fourth day he went into the hospital for detox.  He was there about four days.  This is average.  He was out on Thursday and really nothing had changed.  Then God stepped in.  I had let my husband know he had to move out - to concentrate on him without the distraction of me and the kids.  I really did want to be lacking the stress of worry having him under the same roof while he worked on recovery.  I know me.  I am controlling.  I need things to be done in a certain order a certain way.  I know that if I were to observe his recovery and it not meet my "expectations" then my stress would ramp up.  More than that I am tired.  Exhausted actually.  Emotionally and physically.  The physical exhaustion is all part of the emotional toll, but it is what it is. 
God stepped in.  I thought at the time it was confirmation that He wanted us to be able to work things out - and maybe he does, but right now I don't see that happening.  Every day is so different.  My husband threw himself into his program, but this week (since being told he doesn't have to turn in attendence records) he has backed off.  For reasons I knew from the beginning would come up.  I was reminded in group last week that you will be able to tell the tree (and where the roots are planted and functioning) by the kind of fruit it bears.  So true.  I have been trying to force my life into what I think it should be.  Trying to make my circumstances what I feel they need to be.  I am seriously seeing how that is so not working out.  The reality of my situation is that I cannot make anyone do what they don't want to.  All I can do is decide if I want to stay and be a part of the fallout from certain decisions. 
We go from not being able to talk about anything to having really good discussions where we both feel heard.  I believe we are both hearing - then we get busy with life. 
I know for certain God is in the business of healing.  I know for certain that he loves me and has called me according to his purpose.  I also know for certain that no matter where my children and I are - what matters is how we handle the current situation.  We could be in the nicest home in the nicest town, but have no stability or time together and they could turn out like any other hoodlum.  Do I think peer group matters?  Yes, but it is who you spend the most time with that counts the most.  So, I could work more to have more, but actually end up losing more by not being able to spend more time with my children.  I know that for this period of my life I cannot take on a job that demands more from me than I have to give.  I will not make any major decisions about anything right now.  What I am going to do is pray, think, evaluate, and then decide.  God stepped in those two - almost three weeks ago now - and took away my anger.  I honestly have none.  Not even now when I feel hurt all over again.  No, my husband isn't drinking that I know of, but things between us may truly be beyond the time and effort it is going to take for God to repair us.  I don't know.  All I know for sure is that I too often underestimate the size and power or my God and his love for me and my family. 
I am only taking things one day at a time.  Today I will meet my mom and get what she needs to give me, then I will spend time with my children tonight - homework, devotion, baths, and bed.  This weekend we will spend time together praising God and remembering the sacrifice he gave us in his son.  We will also spend time outside enjoying this fabulous weather.  I so cannot wait.
I love Jesus.  I so very much thank him for all the pain he took on his body to heal my hurts and my diseases (Psalm 103).  I am so grateful for Jesus rising from the dead and conquering death to show me that with him, ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE! (not just the things I can think or see, but even those I cannot even comprehend).
I pray you all have a very happy and blessed Easter.

....and to Stephanie, a very special thank you for sharing your daughter's date of birth with my own.  Blessings to all God has for you, Julie Nell!