Defining Moments

I know we all have moments in our life - no matter how big or small - that help "define"/"shape" us from that moment on.  Tomorrow night, two weeks ago, I had another.  Now, don't get me wrong - I have defining lengths of time - like this whole last year - but I also have these moments where something may either prick (hurt) or prod (inspire).  Will I sit down and give up or push through this "moment" and keep going?  Will I believe what I have read - and what I know from past experience- "I CAN do ALL things (not just the easy, comfortable things that fit into my schedule and finances) through Christ who gives me strength (notice - not MY strength - but some AWESOME reserve untapped until we cry out)" Philippians 4:13 - OR will I believe what the enemy is trying to convince me of?  That I can't do it - that I have given up in the past so why trouble myself now?, that I am causing too much chaos with scheduling to carve out time for me?, that God is busy with other world concerns and doesn't much care if I exercise and eat right or if my husband relapses.  Really?  No - The Bible tells me that He DOES care for me!! (1 Peter 5:7) Not only that verse but right down to Luke where he speaks of how cares for the lilies - so why am I worried about anything?
I have no idea, but that seems to be the area the enemy knows to get me in.  So, as I am walking through these defining moments I am coming out stronger - but ONLY because I am seeking God's will and his face in the midst of my pain and lack of understanding.  Now, He is paralleling that for me in the transformation of my body.  I am REALLY seeing the beginnings of a difference in my body.  I even hesitate to write that because I feel like "something" will happen to try and sabotage or undo my progress.  But I am claiming God's promise, 'Ask and you shall receive, seek and you will find, knock and the door will open."  Because I am asking, seeking, and definitely knocking - knocking down the door to a new way of living - one without crutches - one in freedom - one that is full of the peace of knowing - no matter what!!! God is in FULL control and is fully capable.  He not only cares about me - but ( and here's the revelation for this recovering control freak), HE ALSO CARES ABOUT MY HUSBAND AND CHILDREN, TOO!!  So, I don't have to think I have to be so in charge - or "on top" of the issues in our home all the time!! WOW!! How absolutely freeing for me is that?  I know that this probably comes so much more easily to others out there - but for me it has all been baby steps with major revelations thrown in along the way.  I am so thankful for that, too. 
But back to the transformation reference.  I am seeing muscles take shape in my arms and legs.  I am seeing that I am able to hold more weights on my bar or do a side plank for the WHOLE time she is counting.  I am also seeing that I am able to do "boy push ups" - so what if it is only three of four at a time - that is better than none.  I remind myself often.  It is "progress, not perfection". 
I can see these differences, my husband says he can see these differences, and a few close friends have commented on the differences they have noticed.  I find myself doubting what I am hearing though.  Why? Because I am also seeing the scale.  I have been doing this five weeks and have lost (finally!!) 11.7 (yes - I am putting that .7 in there because I have struggled for that) pounds.  I will do my measurements tomorrow to see what inches I have lost, but when I put my clothes on I can't tell a difference yet, except that I don't kill my waist bands anymore (come on ladies - you know what I mean, right?  that roll fits in the pants standing up, but when you sit down it bends the waist band to where it has almost permanent creases.  Actually, if you haven't experienced this, don't tell me- let me think every female has at some point).  So - since I am not seeing "huge" changes and I look at myself daily, how is anyone else seeing anything significant yet?
Well, almost two weeks ago I went to Wendy's after working out with three friends (yes, we went after sweating for an hour and burning close to 1000 calories doing Zumba).  We walked in to an almost empty restaurant except for four teens sitting close to the door and a family in the back.  The teens got a look at us in our workout clothing and watched us look at the nutritional poster hanging up as we decided on our individual poisons - and they proceeded to snicker and laugh.  Lucy and I looked at them and then at each other - we knew they were laughing at us - but at that point we didn't care - our other two friends were oblivious.  So, we troop to the counter and make our sweaty, laughing, good time, choices - all the while the teens are continuing to observe and the 'ring leader' continues to snicker and make comments under his breath.  I was first to order - cheeseburger deluxe (310 cal), Jr. fries (362 cals - but I split those), and a Jr. frosty (150 cals - and truly this is what I had looked forward to all week and why we were there).  I took my food and proceeded past their table.  'Ring Leader' proceeded to oink as I walked past - about four times right in a row - unmistakable - and then they laughed.  I kept walking.  Was I shocked?  Yes.  Did I want to believe I didn't hear what I heard?  Yes.  But, I did.  Everyone else was still getting their orders handled and I proceeded to mull this over - I had a mixture of incredulousness, hurt, irritation, and disbelief.  As I looked at this group of kids I reflected on my youth - did I ever act like that towards people?  Oh how I pray not!! I also began to think about the blond that was obviously "with" him.  She was attractive, in shape, and smitten.  I wanted to walk up to her and let her know that, although at 16 or 17 - what ever she is finding amusing will not be so amusing in a few years when his humor is directed at her.  No telling what he is seeing at home.  So the part that really surprised me is that although I am large I am not huge. I just really didn't see myself as someone to "oink" at.  That is when I had this moment of doubt - maybe those two weeks I had been fooling myself - maybe I would always be the "fat girl" - maybe this working out wasn't really going to "take" and I would just "fail" again.  Thankfully I remembered Proverbs 24:16, "though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises up again, but the wicked are brought down by calamity." 
So, I could fall some more, and as long as I kept trying that is what counted.  But, too, it has helped going back to the basics of knowing that no matter what I look like or what I weigh, God loves me just as I am.  He sent his Son to die for me.  Just like I was, "a beautiful mess".  Through these "defining moments" choices are made inside my heart and soul before I even realize it to go back to what I know - and for me that is what God's word says.  I hurt for those that don't know that and haven't experienced that yet.  I pray for them.  I know that God will use my struggles - as silly as they may seem to some - to help another on this path in life. 
So, I am excited about that - and being healthier and able to move more to do it!!
May you all be blessed in all this weekend coming up holds for you - and smile, don't oink, at the next fat person you see.
Hebrews 13:2