"It is good that I should hope in and wait quietly for the salvation (the safety and ease) of the Lord. It is good that I should bear the yoke [of divine disciplinary dealings]."
Lamentations 3:26-27 (pg 182 Joyce Meyer's book The Secret Power of Speaking God's Love)
'Divine disciplinary dealings' is what I believe I have going on. Perseverance is what I think God is building in me. Maybe not even only perseverance - maybe even consistency. That seems to be a continuing theme in my growth as a wife, Christian, and mom. I know that when I voice my growth through this blog or to a friend the enemy takes opportunities over the next days and months to try and get me off balance and whining again. God allows it. I often do give into the whining and fussing. I am praying that as He is growing me that I do actually become consistent and develop a healthy ability to persevere. The other part of that verse is about waiting quietly and hoping. I do have hope. Do I get discouraged when things are not as I would like them, or when problems are not worked out on my time table? Or - that problems just go away and stay away - but reality is that they don't? Yes, I do become discouraged. But thank you, Jesus, that you have grown me to where I recognize my reactions and patterns sooner than before and am able to address them with scripture and prayer.
Do I wish it all didn't hurt me? Yes. Frustrate me? Yes. Sorely disappoint? Yes, but I refuse to give up hope. The hope that God promises me in Jeremiah 29:11. I do believe when we allow our circumstances to be our focus, continuing to stay in the very same patterns of reacting to them we have in the past, and if we continue to not turn to our Father - we do get beaten down. This results in a loss of hope. The enemy rejoices at this.
Do I want to say, 'my husband is an alcoholic?' No. But, he is and I have come to believe that while I have no control over that or over him and his choices, I do have a Father that loves me and is walking in this with me. He is also trying to help my husband, but too often I watch as He is pushed away by him. It so very much saddens my heart - the anger tries to take over - and the anxiety rears its evil head. But I repeat God's promises - to myself and to the enemy on the attack. When I do I can breathe again. Whether or not my husband ever truly becomes sober or not will be between him and God. If he doesn't he is losing out on so very much that life with Christ and me and the children has to offer. We, as a family, and community, lose out on all that my husband has to offer, too.
During these times I also have to remind myself that there is more to my life than having a sober husband. Is this the life God planned for us when we married? No, I don't believe it is. As long as some are deceived the others are affected. I just pray for TOTAL healing, restoration, and deliverance from anything negative the enemy has planned from the choices being made. I trust God's word that says, "ALL THINGS work together for the good of those that love the Lord and are called according to His purpose in Heaven." Romans 8:28. I completely believe that God really does mean all things - not just the good, or the alcohol free things, or the drug free things, or the grief free things - ALL THINGS!! We have to believe and hope and wait and pray continually.
Please pray with me for this!!
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