So, the 12 year old inside of me reared herself again yesterday. Basically when I have been able to stop, talk to others, listen to others in similar situations, and remind myself what God says is true - despite how I may FEEL at the moment - then I see it all boils down to my pride. If pride weren't involved I wouldn't have a need to make sure "everything is going to work out", and if fear wasn't in the passenger seat screaming (due to a lack of depth perception) each time I get close to something that even smells or looks like it has the potential to hurt me eventually - and by "depth perception" I am referring ultimately to a lack of faith in the driver, Jesus. He's not supposed to be my "co-pilot". He is supposed to have the reigns. But, I digress.
I think I get Ezekiel 47 now, though, or at least the first part of it. Will I be the type Christian that only wades into their faith - or will I swim?
Thank you, Jesus, for Lucy, and for Norma. Last night I was in an meeting and people were speaking about being "humbled" again. That humility is what is needed. I literally said to myself (after admitting to the entire group I didn't want to even be there, so I knew I needed to be) that I was TIRED of being humbled!!!
Yep. A smart person would have realized that she had basically just smarted off to her parent and apologized and straightened up. Usually I am smart. Not last night - but my dear Abba Father is merciful anyway. He has been hearing my confusion of late, my anger that has been boiling to the surface from things I thought I had dealt with - and then the feelings of guilt I have had with feeling I should not be having to go through all of this again - I mean - good golly miss molly - -we just did this!! - when will I get it? Right?!
God showed me last night, through my friend Lucy, that my feeling that I know best at times (well - really most times in my personal opinion) is born of a "haughty" or "Jezebel" spirit. Hmmm. I have had the truth spoken to me enough to know if it pricks a little the person speaking is probably right. What she said didn't prick my "feelings" - it pricked my "pride" - which to me confirmed that God was trying to tell me something. Of course, I wasn't sure what it was or if I would be ready - I admitted to myself and God and Lucy - and later the group - and this was so very difficult for me....I am angry, and I am really ready to give up on this whole thing.
Give up on "recovery", "healing", "restoration for my marriage", everything. I am frustrated. I am tired. I am tired of being hurt and frustrated. I am tired of repeating the same things. I am tired of being the fool.
I even said out loud to Lucy last night that I think I might now - not before - but now - be getting angry with God. To what purpose? I know in my head it does no good - but the 12 year old wants to know why do I have to keep being stretched to the point of pain? Why isn't this (what I have already learned and gone through) "good enough"?
When did I become so all knowing and all powerful? When did God endow me with those giftings? Riiight.
Yet here I have kicked, cried, internally screamed, and ranted at the injustice of life and why things have to work out so slowly. Can't we just move this along? And while we are on that topic, don't you want to know how and where it needs to be moved, God? So, God smiled at me last night and took my "haughty/Jezebel" self to an alanon meeting. One I did not want to be at as I said before. After all, I was ready to call it a day - give up on this "program" and be done. Alanon has a saying, "it works if you work it". How true. The steps are there for a reason. In that order for a reason. Please know I learned that again tonight. I was reminded in a very real way that this "program" - or for you it may be referred to as "life" - is about PROGRESS! - not perfection or instant results. It is okay to figure out what I need and what I don't need. What I am and what I am not comfortable with. It is okay to fall, get back up and have to climb those same steps again! (Read Proverbs 24:16) God allowed me to share my heart's burdens with the group - not only did they listen, but they also shared their own experience, strength and hope. God used one woman in particular to speak directly to my hurting heart. She is in her 60s and is a functioning illiterate. She has always been very kind and encouraging to me when we have been in meetings together - I had no idea she couldn't read- reading the steps is part of our opening - lots of people pass - so I never really thought about it. But, God used her specifically to remind me last night that I am loved, I am of worth to Him, He is in control, He does hear me, He is covering all my needs - and always has - he also used her to ask me - am I really listening to Him or just spending all my time whining and stomping around and trying to fit what isn't into what I want it to be? He reminded me that what He says about me is what matters. If I let my mind replay the same negative statements to myself - about myself or my husband or any situation then I am already defeated - but if I listen to God - I won't be stuck - I can move forward - I won't sink as Peter did when he took his eyes off Jesus.
It is okay if I need a time out for me, and it is okay if I am not perfect by my standards or the worlds. Through God's grace and mercy He is sanctifying me!
Thank you, Father -
I am ready - Please help me swim!
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