Okay - Probably not the most wonderful of titles, but there we are. This is a struggle I have had on and off for years. Biblically I have learned SO much about familial bonds/curses that need to be broken off. Spirits we allow to take hold - like in the Bible where the demon was cast out but the acknowledgement that he would come back and legions would join. I think the warning was - you have to put something in its place. If you fill it with your old patterns then they will become more, bigger, and stronger - but if you will establish new patterns and feed them and allow them time to root then they will fill that hole. Any recovery program talks about "putting something in 'its' place". I just happen to believe that the Healer was the one that gave that step originally (and maybe again to Bill Wilson).
I guess you noticed I have been silent for a couple of months. Not because my life has been silent, but because - I guess you could say - my spirit has been silent. Or maybe my spirit has been oppressed. I am not sure. I do know that what I have been experiencing these last months was not a "rest". I have not been at rest. My prayers and words have been blocked. I have had to trust with all my heart that even then the Holy Spirit was before the Throne interceding for me. Begging God to have mercy on me. He has.
On Saturday, April 3rd, 2010, I had an encounter with the Living Christ. There is no other way to put it. I believe that since about two weeks following that event the enemy - in all his scheming lying deceiving ways - has done all he possibly can to get me to not move forward at all after what I experienced. I believe myself to have been a Christian most of my life. I remember walking the isle at my home church and asking Jesus to come into my heart. I believe I have have loved him since that day. I know I have struggled a lot with "doing right" and "being right" in my relationship with him. I didn't want to be out of favor with him. Basically - I didn't want him to ever be upset with me or disappointed. Funny thing is - no matter what I have tried to do - pray, lead Sunday Schools, serve in the nursery, serve on the mission field - home and foreign - give, give more, do more - I never felt like I was doing things quite right. To top it off I would have these "experiences" and then just go right back to having the same doubts and confusions about how I was playing it out in my life. Guess what I learned on April 3rd, 2010? I don't have to do ANYTHING.
Let that really sink in. I have had to. I come from a family with an extremely strong work ethic. Personally I don't view this as a bad thing. This work ethic motivated me to get a job at 14 (yes, paying into social security since age 14), put myself through college, pay for my car, work three jobs while in college, never default on a loan, bounce a check only three times (I know - too many, but still), pay off my credit cards (although that was a difficult lesson to learn saved for another entry all together), and work full time while having three children and a husband. Not just any children. One with chronic special needs (although more manageable - only by the Grace of an Almighty God!), and two with asthma which require many doctor visits and sometimes a hospitalization. Anyone with a family understands household duties, upkeep, yard work, laundry, grocery shopping, chauffeuring, extended family responsibilities, etc. Not to mention if you want to have friends or go to church or be involved in church groups, etc. Let's just say I thank my mother for showing me how not to give up even when I may want to.
So, where my life could have been so much different - I could have felt sorry for myself and had no one to prod me out of my self pity (thank you all my youth leaders and workers and friends), I could have dropped out of college when I got bored with it (thank you family stigma that would not allow such a thing!!), I could have walked out on my marriage the first day things became difficult (IE: didn't go my way - which pretty much would have been month two - even before I knew about the alcohol - although finding out about the alcohol made things make so much more sense!), and I could have given my first child to my mom to raise when I didn't think I was going to be able to make it through another day without hurting her (but I didn't - and again - another story for another day). Through everything God has continually placed people, songs, verses, circumstances in front of me to push, prod, and guide me into the place He wanted me to go - I see it looking back - difficult in the midst - but so easy looking back. Thankfully I know that without a shadow of a doubt now - so when I get a little disoriented in my "dark spots" I know that "the Light" is right there. Never leaving, never wavering, always guiding the way. I struggle with resting - not working. Even when I call myself 'resting' my mind will still be going. Anxious - thinking, planning, drawing, writing, etc. Sometimes this is a good thing. Sometimes - not so good. I have a freedom in knowing that God already knows exactly what is on my plate for the future. The good the bad and the ugly. Long ago he gave me a verse, Romans 8:28, and how completely life affirming that verse has been to me. I used to have it as my car tag. (Now I have Hebrews 13:2.)
All of this rambling to say - after my encounter with Christ on that Saturday. I felt and came to know a freedom like no other. I was urged by the spirit to get to know what Christ says about me. What the Bible says about me as God's word. I started this process and then sank. I cannot explain it. Almost like a paralysis. So - after much internal debate I have gone back on Prozac. Now, depending on who you talk to - myself included - you will get many different ideas of whether or not psychiatric meds should be necessary for believers. I think just like any other medication they can be needed for a certain period of time for certain reasons. If I had not worried about the "stigma" related to psych meds after delivering my first child I don't think I would have had post partum depression as long or as intensely as I did - or I would have been more willing to discuss it. But, just like other "firsts" in my life, I think God allowed me to go through that to be able to alert others to the dangers and help relieve some of the stigma surrounding taking medications.
I do love Jesus. I have recently had an extremely intimate experience in His presence. I am a saint that sins. I am a beloved child of God. Skinned knees and elbows from taking off ahead of him and all! He loves me EXACTLY how I am. He made me. He knows the gifts and abilities and talents and desires he placed inside me yet to be discovered - waiting to be fulfilled by him and with me. He knew my parents before I did. He hand picked me for my children (I really pray for them and their covering!! ;o) ) He gave my husband to me and me to my husband. While flawed - together we are good as long as we are wrapped in our Creator's Love.
I am thankful for a God willing to create Prozac for an anxiety addict like me (well - praying for reformation!!) So, to anyone else out there - struggling with something - feeling you can't admit you might need "help" - whether from a support group, medication, prayer from an elder or church leader - Please know I have said a prayer for you today. A prayer that you would find freedom in knowing that even when we think we are "doing wrong" - as a child of God, He's got you covered!! (Jeremiah 29:11, Romans 8:28)
"Dear Jesus,
Father, thank you so much for always providing. Whether it is people, songs, sermons, medications, or whatever - thank you. I have no idea if anyone even reads this blog, but I know you didn't give me these words for no reason. I pray, Dear Jesus, that these words touch those they are meant to. That even the slightest tug would be responded to by that person. Father that you would prepare their heart in advance to receive the Healing your death on the cross has given. Thank you, Father, for loving us as we are - not as cleaned up, spiffed up, good enough to come before you people, but as broken, bedraggled, muddy, humbled individuals needing to be infused with your life and blood that you so freely give. I love you and thank you so much for continually blessing me and my life. Most of all, Father, thank you for releasing my words again" Amen
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