Hmmm, six months. Six months since my last entry on here. If a tape recorder - or keyboard in this case - could be attached to my brain between the hours of 8:30 pm and midnight -I PROMISE I would have a series written by now.
Too bad that has not been created yet, but also probably a good thing since my mind can be a crazy place too often - so here I am back on the keyboard - have a few spare moments (that really I can think of 5 other things I SHOULD be doing, but oh well).
To summarize these last six months it has been a time of Pinterest - crafts, recipes, activities for the kids, etc. A time of extended family illnesses and injuries. A time of adjusting to having one in high school, one in middle school, one in intermediate school, and ALL their activities. Whew. Makes me tired just thinking about it all as I write. But, alas - I am very thankful that we have the opportunities to do these things - Little Man Tate has gotten so good at hind catching because of this season of "fall ball". My oldest has faced her fears of the hallowed halls of high school - and although she is still adjusting she is doing really great. My middle girl (Moo Moo) is, as usual, stepping to her own drummer - and just when you think she is missing something in life by being the observer of her siblings' activities, she does something for someone or says something completely insightful that reminds this momma's heart that she is good right where she is. Her time for activities is coming and I don't want to miss what down time and finger nail painting time I have right now with her.
I have personally been struggling with anxiety and what could only be termed "spiritual warfare". Days of not being able to tolerate being around others - feeling completely overwhelmed, but also very numb inside - moments of anger that bubble up out of nowhere - and crying for no apparent reason. I have a history of health issues - iron deficiant anemia being one of them. That alone accounts for all the above symptoms, but now it turns out I also have ulcers. After being in a season of what I would say is "winter" spiritually, I do believe spring has sprung - the soil is being turned - weeds and rocks removed - ready to have God plant in me and to bring forth what was planted months ago, but has been allowed to be choked out by my own neglect.
This really hit home as I looked back over our family garden. In years past it has been a source of contention, but also learning, teaching, and growing for me personally and our family. This year - for many reasons, we were late preparing the ground, planting the vegetables and flowers, and fertilizing them. I don't know why but this year the growing seemed SO MUCH slower than other years. When veggies did begin to grow there was no maintainence, no further fertilizing and no weed pulling. I went and gathered the fruit, but even that was lacking in my opinion. Finally it got to where I didn't even bother anymore - sometimes I would send the kids to get stuff out of the garden, but once the squash plant was eaten from the inside out by some sort of pest I sort of said, "why am I wasting our time - let it go". And I did - but one day, looking out the kitchen window it hit me - this is EXACTLY what I was doing with my spiritual life, my marriage, my parenting, my job. I had planted, watered, become impatient, waited some - got a taste of what "could be" but then wasn't truly satisfied- so I proceeded to neglect. All areas - and boy howdy does my life reflect this. Weight gain, complacency, "good enough", and plain neglect. In response to this, my marriage has hit a patch I haven't seen before, my kids have become short with one another - hardly tolerating any faults by another, and I have struggled to tolerate my job. My house has been out of order and my actual "house" reflects the parasite of sin that has been allowed in. It has taken about a month, since this revelation, for my heart to be open enough to begin the process of allowing the soil of my heart and mind to be tilled up.
I have cried out to my gracious, always faithful, ever present, never inconsistent, Abba. He has heard me - and I am listening. So, while there is work to be done, I know it is not all up to me, this is a process, and growth takes time, care, fertilizing, weeding, and continued love for myself and those around me. Just in the last two weeks my marriage has begun to be placed back into a spot of importance in my heart, along with my parenting, and the needs of those I serve at my job. I am praying - really praying (not just out of rote)- again. I know healing is happening within me - in my health, my home, and my spiritual life.
I am looking forward to God continuing to show off in my life - and I have put my flesh on the altar in full surrender that may I not let "me" get bigger than "Him" in my life again....(but if it happens, I know He is better than me at parenting and will be there patiently to pick me back up, help me dust off, and point me AGAIN in the right direction!)
So thankful.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
God's love for Little 'Ole Me
I am so overwhelmed by the graciousness of God I almost don't even know what to say. Often the melancholy side to my personality tends to shine through more than I would like, but my prayer is that as God continues to grow me and shape me - then no matter what my circumstances might say, I am able to look at my circumstances each and EVERY time and say - "my God's got this!" and really truly believe it - not just say it because I am "supposed" to. You know?
Well, He never fails - always shows up - and is currently rocking my world. If I truly think back though - He has always done these things - I just easily forget and get caught up in the next chaotic whirlwind that is my life. I want to be that person that people think of and say - "wow, amazing how she is able to stay so calm and focused - always full of faith, and never allowing doubt to take hold."
Maybe in time - maybe.
Anyway -for now I am still me - I tend to blurt, assess a little too quickly at times, assume I know things (based on past experience - hahahaha!), I am fiercely loyal, and will freeze you out in a heart beat. Aren't those just fantastic qualities?
Anyway - over the years I have probably not gone through any more than any others on this fallen earth. Sometimes my situations have felt overwhelming- but God has always either pushed or pulled me through. Sometimes I went willingly, others I kicked and screamed the whole dad gum time.
I know for sure that grace is given to those who need it right when it is needed - not before - not after - right on time. Grace is what allows the believer to stand in the midst of overwhelming odds. Grace is that elusive substance that helps feed your faith and faith in turn doles out grace. It is such a gift to be in the midst of what I personally consider an overwhelming odds sort of situation and just when I don't think things can get better - a crack occurs - either within my heart - that allows love to enter and healing to happen - or within my circumstances - and that allows breathing, rest, reassessment of the really important things.
Ideally I am always on the lookout for what is really really important and sloughing off what is not - but I am not an ideal person yet. God is still working on me.
So, from illnesses, to financial issues, to marital problems, to work problems, to family problems, to death, to friendship issues, and just everyday wear and tear - GOD IS ALWAYS FAITHFUL.
Always.
So, for about eight months I have felt a true and pressing need to clean out my house - literally. My idea was to get rid of as much as I could in case things went south with my marriage and restoration was not part of the plan. I laid awake at night thinking about what all I would have to go through and move - UGH. Then when my husband and I moved back in together - the laying awake turned into dreaming about cleaning out my house - ALL of it. Getting rid of everything - even paint. I can't describe the pressing need I felt - I can't remember a time I have ever felt like this - not even when "nesting" while pregnant with my kids - although it is totally possible I have forgotten.
Anyway, being the fantastic procrastinator I tend to be, I just would talk about these dreams - knew I needed to get to it - but something always came up - mom's surgery, work, weather, illness, Christmas, focusing on rebuilding my marriage, baseball, school, Zumba, etc....
Then my 14 year old got accepted into color guard.
You would have to know how out of the box it was for her to even decide to put herself out there to try out to begin to understand the magnitude of her making the cut for this team. On top of that she was also awarded the Prudential Spirit of Community Award and gets to go to Washington, D.C. HUGE!
But, back to color guard. The cost is close to $1800 for the equipment, clothing, camp, etc. 1/2 has to be turned in this Thursday and the other half in May.
I hate yard sales. At no point during any of my thinking and dreaming did I think I needed to have a yard sale - I am a giver by nature and because with all of the stuff I have I knew I didn't want people coming and saying, "you want what! for this?!" I don't do well with that at all. My husband on the other hand thinks we should have yard sales any time we need money. Personally I have NEVER found them to be profitable - In all my years of doing yard sales - at my mom's house, our first house, this house, with other friends, etc - I have NEVER left with a "woohoo!! Look at all we accomplished" It has always been, "remind me never to do this again."
So, when all of this came up with the color guard, needing money, etc - My husband immediately said, "yard sale!" My immediate response to that was "UGH!!!!!" but, deep down I knew if we were asking our daughter to work hard and earn money - babysitting, etc, then I needed to not just pitch in with my zumba
If forced me to go through 28 year old boxes of STUFF. I mean really, who needs that? My kids tried on my wedding dress and I took pictures - we just had a relatively good time - then we had the two day yard sale. I had been praying about the yard sale - even at night with my kids. My prayer had been that we would at least make $500. I thought that would be great since I have never made more than maybe $200 in a yard sale before.
Cost of three day ad :$42.90
Cash to start day with :$50
Miscellaneous items:$50 (plastic wrap, fast food, etc)
Day one: brought in $655
Day two brought in $485
Grand total from sale $1140 - so able to deposit roughly $1000!
God DOUBLED what I asked for - and my youngest child was paying attention. He remembered the amount I had asked for and when we laid the money out on the table for the kids to actually see - to get a visual understanding of how much that was - then how much a trip to Hardee's was, how much a trip for Icee's were, house note for a month, etc. they had a better understanding of what all the push was for.
When Noah was able to say the amount I had prayed about and I was able to count out what God had brought in - well, it was HUGE.
I am saying totally overwhelming. I have known that God cares - he cares when we are sick, when we have a broken air conditioning, or a major marital crisis, but He also cares about a little girl doing color guard and her parents having the money to help her. His word promises, 'Ask and you shall receive, seek, and you will find, knock and the door will be opened." Matthew 7:7-8
So, I did - and He showed off!! Love it. I am still in so much awe - all over a yard sale of all things - but it is really more than that-
It is the fleece on the ground - the reminder that even the small things matter to God - He is not distant, He is real, present, and involved - He cares - more than I think I TRULY have given Him credit for - EVEN after EVERYTHING.
I have known and do know that God loves me - he cares if my children are safe, growing in Him, being taught correctly, loved on, and if I am growing in Him and loving on those in His church. He cares if my husband is struggling - He even cares if my son has food allergies and wants to be healed. He truly does.
But aren't I pushing it by asking the God of the universe to care about paying for color guard and having a yard sale?
No.
There could have been no better or more tangible lesson for me or my children or my husband this past weekend about what lengths God is willing to go through and to for His children - and on EASTER weekend when He had already sacrificed the ultimate sacrifice - His only son - and there I was concerned with color guard. Still I prayed, and He showed up - and showed off in a MIGHTY MIGHTY way.
In more ways than I can count that reminded me on such an extremely personal level that God loves Reeda Paul. Little 'ole Reeda - in this huge world and all its problems - He is constantly aware - always listening and forever faithful. He wants to show off - all I had to do was ask.
Well, He never fails - always shows up - and is currently rocking my world. If I truly think back though - He has always done these things - I just easily forget and get caught up in the next chaotic whirlwind that is my life. I want to be that person that people think of and say - "wow, amazing how she is able to stay so calm and focused - always full of faith, and never allowing doubt to take hold."
Maybe in time - maybe.
Anyway -for now I am still me - I tend to blurt, assess a little too quickly at times, assume I know things (based on past experience - hahahaha!), I am fiercely loyal, and will freeze you out in a heart beat. Aren't those just fantastic qualities?
Anyway - over the years I have probably not gone through any more than any others on this fallen earth. Sometimes my situations have felt overwhelming- but God has always either pushed or pulled me through. Sometimes I went willingly, others I kicked and screamed the whole dad gum time.
I know for sure that grace is given to those who need it right when it is needed - not before - not after - right on time. Grace is what allows the believer to stand in the midst of overwhelming odds. Grace is that elusive substance that helps feed your faith and faith in turn doles out grace. It is such a gift to be in the midst of what I personally consider an overwhelming odds sort of situation and just when I don't think things can get better - a crack occurs - either within my heart - that allows love to enter and healing to happen - or within my circumstances - and that allows breathing, rest, reassessment of the really important things.
Ideally I am always on the lookout for what is really really important and sloughing off what is not - but I am not an ideal person yet. God is still working on me.
So, from illnesses, to financial issues, to marital problems, to work problems, to family problems, to death, to friendship issues, and just everyday wear and tear - GOD IS ALWAYS FAITHFUL.
Always.
So, for about eight months I have felt a true and pressing need to clean out my house - literally. My idea was to get rid of as much as I could in case things went south with my marriage and restoration was not part of the plan. I laid awake at night thinking about what all I would have to go through and move - UGH. Then when my husband and I moved back in together - the laying awake turned into dreaming about cleaning out my house - ALL of it. Getting rid of everything - even paint. I can't describe the pressing need I felt - I can't remember a time I have ever felt like this - not even when "nesting" while pregnant with my kids - although it is totally possible I have forgotten.
Anyway, being the fantastic procrastinator I tend to be, I just would talk about these dreams - knew I needed to get to it - but something always came up - mom's surgery, work, weather, illness, Christmas, focusing on rebuilding my marriage, baseball, school, Zumba, etc....
Then my 14 year old got accepted into color guard.
You would have to know how out of the box it was for her to even decide to put herself out there to try out to begin to understand the magnitude of her making the cut for this team. On top of that she was also awarded the Prudential Spirit of Community Award and gets to go to Washington, D.C. HUGE!
But, back to color guard. The cost is close to $1800 for the equipment, clothing, camp, etc. 1/2 has to be turned in this Thursday and the other half in May.
I hate yard sales. At no point during any of my thinking and dreaming did I think I needed to have a yard sale - I am a giver by nature and because with all of the stuff I have I knew I didn't want people coming and saying, "you want what! for this?!" I don't do well with that at all. My husband on the other hand thinks we should have yard sales any time we need money. Personally I have NEVER found them to be profitable - In all my years of doing yard sales - at my mom's house, our first house, this house, with other friends, etc - I have NEVER left with a "woohoo!! Look at all we accomplished" It has always been, "remind me never to do this again."
So, when all of this came up with the color guard, needing money, etc - My husband immediately said, "yard sale!" My immediate response to that was "UGH!!!!!" but, deep down I knew if we were asking our daughter to work hard and earn money - babysitting, etc, then I needed to not just pitch in with my zumba
If forced me to go through 28 year old boxes of STUFF. I mean really, who needs that? My kids tried on my wedding dress and I took pictures - we just had a relatively good time - then we had the two day yard sale. I had been praying about the yard sale - even at night with my kids. My prayer had been that we would at least make $500. I thought that would be great since I have never made more than maybe $200 in a yard sale before.
Cost of three day ad :$42.90
Cash to start day with :$50
Miscellaneous items:$50 (plastic wrap, fast food, etc)
Day one: brought in $655
Day two brought in $485
Grand total from sale $1140 - so able to deposit roughly $1000!
God DOUBLED what I asked for - and my youngest child was paying attention. He remembered the amount I had asked for and when we laid the money out on the table for the kids to actually see - to get a visual understanding of how much that was - then how much a trip to Hardee's was, how much a trip for Icee's were, house note for a month, etc. they had a better understanding of what all the push was for.
When Noah was able to say the amount I had prayed about and I was able to count out what God had brought in - well, it was HUGE.
I am saying totally overwhelming. I have known that God cares - he cares when we are sick, when we have a broken air conditioning, or a major marital crisis, but He also cares about a little girl doing color guard and her parents having the money to help her. His word promises, 'Ask and you shall receive, seek, and you will find, knock and the door will be opened." Matthew 7:7-8
So, I did - and He showed off!! Love it. I am still in so much awe - all over a yard sale of all things - but it is really more than that-
It is the fleece on the ground - the reminder that even the small things matter to God - He is not distant, He is real, present, and involved - He cares - more than I think I TRULY have given Him credit for - EVEN after EVERYTHING.
I have known and do know that God loves me - he cares if my children are safe, growing in Him, being taught correctly, loved on, and if I am growing in Him and loving on those in His church. He cares if my husband is struggling - He even cares if my son has food allergies and wants to be healed. He truly does.
But aren't I pushing it by asking the God of the universe to care about paying for color guard and having a yard sale?
No.
There could have been no better or more tangible lesson for me or my children or my husband this past weekend about what lengths God is willing to go through and to for His children - and on EASTER weekend when He had already sacrificed the ultimate sacrifice - His only son - and there I was concerned with color guard. Still I prayed, and He showed up - and showed off in a MIGHTY MIGHTY way.
In more ways than I can count that reminded me on such an extremely personal level that God loves Reeda Paul. Little 'ole Reeda - in this huge world and all its problems - He is constantly aware - always listening and forever faithful. He wants to show off - all I had to do was ask.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Pressing In and Pressing On
Ok, today is the 21st and I got on the scales yesterday but read it in kilograms cause I was at work - didn't have time to really configure what that meant and so today came in and did it again - same number - really didn't much like the number I saw but decided to figure out what that number meant and am AMAZED to see that I have lost 1.7 pounds!! Praise the Lord!
I have failed to take my inches again, but realized as I was writing this that I am not supposed to until the 7th of April anyway - so WHEW!! Reason being I put on pants I wore this time last year and have more than just a "little muffin top". They look spray painted on - and for sure I won't be wearing them any time soon with the t-shirt I wore them with last year. But, the time is coming.
As a family we have become more active. I am excited about that. We go for walks together some on Sundays - play kickball in the front yard (although I FREELY admit I am designated pitcher) - and walk during baseball practice, etc.
I am really really really glad for all of this. I want our kids to understand that exercise is a "way of life" not just "something you do because you ended up fat". I know we are getting a little bit of a later start on this whole outdoors thing - but slowly and surely it is coming along.
I don't really have much to share today. Prayers going out to my friends and families with so much on their plates right now.
More soon!
I have failed to take my inches again, but realized as I was writing this that I am not supposed to until the 7th of April anyway - so WHEW!! Reason being I put on pants I wore this time last year and have more than just a "little muffin top". They look spray painted on - and for sure I won't be wearing them any time soon with the t-shirt I wore them with last year. But, the time is coming.
As a family we have become more active. I am excited about that. We go for walks together some on Sundays - play kickball in the front yard (although I FREELY admit I am designated pitcher) - and walk during baseball practice, etc.
I am really really really glad for all of this. I want our kids to understand that exercise is a "way of life" not just "something you do because you ended up fat". I know we are getting a little bit of a later start on this whole outdoors thing - but slowly and surely it is coming along.
I don't really have much to share today. Prayers going out to my friends and families with so much on their plates right now.
More soon!
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Okay - There is so much rumbling around in my head I couldn't wait to get it all out so this post may be even a little more scattered than others (if that is possible).
First, let me tell you I have continued on this looooong pursuit of fitness. I often get off track with my eating - I treat myself too often to foods lacking in any nutritional value and consider it a "treat". I am not sure what the origin of that is for me - maybe that those things "off limits" are somehow better - but what do I FREQUENTLY tell my kids? If I tell you "no" there is a REALLY good reason and it almost always has to do with your safety and well being. Same for me with foods, etc. Only, in my mid thirties I am just now understanding this.
Now, don't misunderstand and think I am now some health food junkie - cause I am not. I am inherently going to look for the easiest route possible to any end I am wanting and usually I lose some nutrition in that trade off - so in the micro-changes I am making - I am watching portions, adding a fruit (or two) and making sure I at LEAST stay at my calorie limit five out of seven days. I have been reminded SO OFTEN this is a marathon - not a sprint. For me this is not a great analogy since even considering a sprint makes me think of sighing and sitting down. BUT, I do not want to give up.
I wrote down on paper my reasons for recommitting my health to God - for him to use me for his kingdom, for me to be more healthy and active and available to my family, and for me just to feel better overall. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 (NLT) says "Don't you realize your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given you by God? You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body." This verse was brought to my attention at the beginning of February along with 1 Corinthians 6:12 "Everything is permissible for me- but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible for me, but I will not be mastered by anything" (not sweets, tv, lack of discipline, a number on a scale, old mindsets, or the idea of "i can't")
I am very thankful to be in relationship with a God that loves me as I am - knows me inside out - chose me and only has the best in mind for me. I don't HAVE to do anything. I WANT to do whatever I can.
So this quest of health is about lifestyle choices - fitness, faith walk, time management, scaling down at home, etc. It is about having a vision for my life and the life of my family - knowing what God wants of me as a mom, wife, daughter, friend, sister, employee, etc.
Obedience is the first word that keeps coming to mind - just to obey his word. Submit to His authority in ALL areas and favor will continue to be poured out.
Now, don't misread that last part or misunderstand my heart - I do very much want to be in favor with God but that is not my reason for submitting - my reason for submitting is because trying to do life my way is not working - trying to control the outcomes around me or worry about the 'what-ifs' are enough to drive me over the edge - like the pigs in the New Testament. I don't want that - and I don't want that for my kids. I pray my legacy is nothing but the fruits of the spirit.
So - last night I did the really really really unthinkable and had my 14 year old take my "before" pictures. My goal is to lose at least 15 pounds in 90 days - and inches all over - I just don't know what kind of goal to set for inches. I just know I want them gone - hahahaha!!
Oh my word. The pictures were literally an eye opener. I feel for my poor daughter - I had my shorts and sports bra on, which covered more than most people's bathing suits. But, after seeing the actual pictures I decided no child should have to endure such a site as that. Of course there was a lot of laughing - and the best part was when she asked me, "is that what having kids does to your belly button and stomach?" Ummm, yes. But also years of neglect and overeating and self indulgence, etc. I think it scared her enough to keep on exercising for herself - hahaha!!
Anyway - once my goals are met and inches lost I am praying I have the nerve to post the before and after pics. I will just have to wait and see.
I have a chart and I am marking off each day I do exercises - different ones each day- adding in yoga and core work just for giggles (giggles of those watching of course). I am also being kinder to myself. So, I didn't get up at 5:30 a.m. I didn't "fail" I just have to readjust. Workout that evening instead - the decision I have to make is can I do that and still do what I need to for my family? If I start sleeping in and then working out at night instead of doing things for and with my family - that is not in order and things go downhill - so I am learning...Slowly but surely I am learning.
The rest of what I was going to write about can wait for another day - I pray you all have a wonderful Thursday and a great weekend - enjoy your families and God's AMAZING gifts in today!
First, let me tell you I have continued on this looooong pursuit of fitness. I often get off track with my eating - I treat myself too often to foods lacking in any nutritional value and consider it a "treat". I am not sure what the origin of that is for me - maybe that those things "off limits" are somehow better - but what do I FREQUENTLY tell my kids? If I tell you "no" there is a REALLY good reason and it almost always has to do with your safety and well being. Same for me with foods, etc. Only, in my mid thirties I am just now understanding this.
Now, don't misunderstand and think I am now some health food junkie - cause I am not. I am inherently going to look for the easiest route possible to any end I am wanting and usually I lose some nutrition in that trade off - so in the micro-changes I am making - I am watching portions, adding a fruit (or two) and making sure I at LEAST stay at my calorie limit five out of seven days. I have been reminded SO OFTEN this is a marathon - not a sprint. For me this is not a great analogy since even considering a sprint makes me think of sighing and sitting down. BUT, I do not want to give up.
I wrote down on paper my reasons for recommitting my health to God - for him to use me for his kingdom, for me to be more healthy and active and available to my family, and for me just to feel better overall. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 (NLT) says "Don't you realize your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given you by God? You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body." This verse was brought to my attention at the beginning of February along with 1 Corinthians 6:12 "Everything is permissible for me- but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible for me, but I will not be mastered by anything" (not sweets, tv, lack of discipline, a number on a scale, old mindsets, or the idea of "i can't")
I am very thankful to be in relationship with a God that loves me as I am - knows me inside out - chose me and only has the best in mind for me. I don't HAVE to do anything. I WANT to do whatever I can.
So this quest of health is about lifestyle choices - fitness, faith walk, time management, scaling down at home, etc. It is about having a vision for my life and the life of my family - knowing what God wants of me as a mom, wife, daughter, friend, sister, employee, etc.
Obedience is the first word that keeps coming to mind - just to obey his word. Submit to His authority in ALL areas and favor will continue to be poured out.
Now, don't misread that last part or misunderstand my heart - I do very much want to be in favor with God but that is not my reason for submitting - my reason for submitting is because trying to do life my way is not working - trying to control the outcomes around me or worry about the 'what-ifs' are enough to drive me over the edge - like the pigs in the New Testament. I don't want that - and I don't want that for my kids. I pray my legacy is nothing but the fruits of the spirit.
So - last night I did the really really really unthinkable and had my 14 year old take my "before" pictures. My goal is to lose at least 15 pounds in 90 days - and inches all over - I just don't know what kind of goal to set for inches. I just know I want them gone - hahahaha!!
Oh my word. The pictures were literally an eye opener. I feel for my poor daughter - I had my shorts and sports bra on, which covered more than most people's bathing suits. But, after seeing the actual pictures I decided no child should have to endure such a site as that. Of course there was a lot of laughing - and the best part was when she asked me, "is that what having kids does to your belly button and stomach?" Ummm, yes. But also years of neglect and overeating and self indulgence, etc. I think it scared her enough to keep on exercising for herself - hahaha!!
Anyway - once my goals are met and inches lost I am praying I have the nerve to post the before and after pics. I will just have to wait and see.
I have a chart and I am marking off each day I do exercises - different ones each day- adding in yoga and core work just for giggles (giggles of those watching of course). I am also being kinder to myself. So, I didn't get up at 5:30 a.m. I didn't "fail" I just have to readjust. Workout that evening instead - the decision I have to make is can I do that and still do what I need to for my family? If I start sleeping in and then working out at night instead of doing things for and with my family - that is not in order and things go downhill - so I am learning...Slowly but surely I am learning.
The rest of what I was going to write about can wait for another day - I pray you all have a wonderful Thursday and a great weekend - enjoy your families and God's AMAZING gifts in today!
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Getting even more real...
It has been more than a year since I have posted anything on here. Mainly because my life was chaos for so very many months and I was just treading water. I want to testify to the awesomeness of God. He is always faithful - always providing - always present. I have had moments in the past year that I have wondered if He cared, heard me, etc - then I would be very reminded that, yes - He was hearing, seeing, caring, etc - Then I would end up in a place of just personally not caring if He cared about me and my situation at all. Very much like a child not getting their way and wanting to pack it all in and go home. Those are the moments I KNOW he had to be patiently standing beside me - much like a parent does to a stubborn toddler - waiting for me to reach for his hand as I stumbled over the "mess" I left out. Too often I know I balled up my fists, screwed up my face, and folded my arms into myself and said, "I can do this". He still waited. Never walked off. I don't think he laughed - probably smiled at times - but only a smile of tolerant patience.
Despite my personal trials - the marriage problems, my husbands' issues, and the stress of managing three children, a house, jobs, etc - I do know that in the end there is still me. There are still things God is wanting me to allow Him to work out - make stronger or get rid of - refine and even some that he wants to restore. What I have witnessed in my marriage is nothing short of amazing - what I have witnessed in the lives of my children reminds me of just how very blessed I am - and then I look at how humble my husband had to become to allow God to work in his life and I stand back in AWE of what God can do - especially when we allow it to happen.
So that makes me wonder why I try and screw it all up? Why do I feel a need to not be satisfied with what is - or what I have or where I am in life? Why do I allow myself to get trapped in this world of doubt, condemnation, fear, "this is too good to be true" type thinking, or even the trap of comparing myself and my blessings and my faith walk and all to what I see in others' lives?
Admitting this all happens makes me feel very very small. Not only that, but, when I admit the things I think, then I don't like myself much.
Then I wonder -are there others?
Like when I had post partum depression after my first child - I had NO IDEA what was wrong with me. I just knew something was - and I didn't feel I could admit I didn't like my child or myself or my husband for that matter - because "oh my gosh!" what "mother" doesn't like their precious newborn? What new mom doesn't like their new life? That perfect Norman Rockwell painting where mom and dad are together adoring the child as it coos up at them?
If God didn't place Oprah Winfrey on this earth for any other reason - I thank him for placing her here to have the show with women that spoke about post partum depression, its signs, symptoms, and real life examples - and for our ABC channel rerunning her show after midnight when I was up with a screaming child to see it - I do believe it helped (along with a mom willing to talk at any given time) save my child.
So - maybe there are others - those out there that wonder "am I the only one that feels this way?" In regards to their life and spiritual life - I know I am an all or nothing person - I have such terrible difficulty with a middle ground - if I can't succeed (my definition) at what I try then I'm not supposed to do it - right? so in response to that I usually go COMPLETELY off the other end of the spectrum. I end up eating everything I can get - or going and getting more - or I quit what I set out to do - a book, Bible study, class, project, etc - then I REALLY feel as though not only have I failed myself - and God, but I lived down to what some have said in the past. That I don't "ever" finish what I start - that I don't see things through - that I don't think things through I just jump in.
It gets to be overwhelming and frustrating - I want to parent well - be a good wife - and most of all be a good example of God's love and kindness. But when I am thinking and feeling all these other things I don't think I am being a good example of anything to anybody - and the Lord KNOWS I cannot stand to be fake.
So, my natural instinct is to withdraw into myself - I am not succeeding at what is in front to me - so let's stop doing all this and just stay home - kind of withdrawal. OR I think - oh! I need another Bible study - cause if I know more and learn more then surely I will be different and be able to do more and do better next time - right?
OR - I fantasize about being that "perfect" size with that "perfect home" (not a different house - just one that is COMPLETELY organized and clean and freshly painted), or about "being home" and taking care of my kids, the house, the groceries the everything - and then I get somewhat jealous and then comes the self recrimination for being ungrateful for ALL I have been blessed with and so on and so on....
Anybody else?
Despite my personal trials - the marriage problems, my husbands' issues, and the stress of managing three children, a house, jobs, etc - I do know that in the end there is still me. There are still things God is wanting me to allow Him to work out - make stronger or get rid of - refine and even some that he wants to restore. What I have witnessed in my marriage is nothing short of amazing - what I have witnessed in the lives of my children reminds me of just how very blessed I am - and then I look at how humble my husband had to become to allow God to work in his life and I stand back in AWE of what God can do - especially when we allow it to happen.
So that makes me wonder why I try and screw it all up? Why do I feel a need to not be satisfied with what is - or what I have or where I am in life? Why do I allow myself to get trapped in this world of doubt, condemnation, fear, "this is too good to be true" type thinking, or even the trap of comparing myself and my blessings and my faith walk and all to what I see in others' lives?
Admitting this all happens makes me feel very very small. Not only that, but, when I admit the things I think, then I don't like myself much.
Then I wonder -are there others?
Like when I had post partum depression after my first child - I had NO IDEA what was wrong with me. I just knew something was - and I didn't feel I could admit I didn't like my child or myself or my husband for that matter - because "oh my gosh!" what "mother" doesn't like their precious newborn? What new mom doesn't like their new life? That perfect Norman Rockwell painting where mom and dad are together adoring the child as it coos up at them?
If God didn't place Oprah Winfrey on this earth for any other reason - I thank him for placing her here to have the show with women that spoke about post partum depression, its signs, symptoms, and real life examples - and for our ABC channel rerunning her show after midnight when I was up with a screaming child to see it - I do believe it helped (along with a mom willing to talk at any given time) save my child.
So - maybe there are others - those out there that wonder "am I the only one that feels this way?" In regards to their life and spiritual life - I know I am an all or nothing person - I have such terrible difficulty with a middle ground - if I can't succeed (my definition) at what I try then I'm not supposed to do it - right? so in response to that I usually go COMPLETELY off the other end of the spectrum. I end up eating everything I can get - or going and getting more - or I quit what I set out to do - a book, Bible study, class, project, etc - then I REALLY feel as though not only have I failed myself - and God, but I lived down to what some have said in the past. That I don't "ever" finish what I start - that I don't see things through - that I don't think things through I just jump in.
It gets to be overwhelming and frustrating - I want to parent well - be a good wife - and most of all be a good example of God's love and kindness. But when I am thinking and feeling all these other things I don't think I am being a good example of anything to anybody - and the Lord KNOWS I cannot stand to be fake.
So, my natural instinct is to withdraw into myself - I am not succeeding at what is in front to me - so let's stop doing all this and just stay home - kind of withdrawal. OR I think - oh! I need another Bible study - cause if I know more and learn more then surely I will be different and be able to do more and do better next time - right?
OR - I fantasize about being that "perfect" size with that "perfect home" (not a different house - just one that is COMPLETELY organized and clean and freshly painted), or about "being home" and taking care of my kids, the house, the groceries the everything - and then I get somewhat jealous and then comes the self recrimination for being ungrateful for ALL I have been blessed with and so on and so on....
Anybody else?
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