Hmmm, six months. Six months since my last entry on here. If a tape recorder - or keyboard in this case - could be attached to my brain between the hours of 8:30 pm and midnight -I PROMISE I would have a series written by now.
Too bad that has not been created yet, but also probably a good thing since my mind can be a crazy place too often - so here I am back on the keyboard - have a few spare moments (that really I can think of 5 other things I SHOULD be doing, but oh well).
To summarize these last six months it has been a time of Pinterest - crafts, recipes, activities for the kids, etc. A time of extended family illnesses and injuries. A time of adjusting to having one in high school, one in middle school, one in intermediate school, and ALL their activities. Whew. Makes me tired just thinking about it all as I write. But, alas - I am very thankful that we have the opportunities to do these things - Little Man Tate has gotten so good at hind catching because of this season of "fall ball". My oldest has faced her fears of the hallowed halls of high school - and although she is still adjusting she is doing really great. My middle girl (Moo Moo) is, as usual, stepping to her own drummer - and just when you think she is missing something in life by being the observer of her siblings' activities, she does something for someone or says something completely insightful that reminds this momma's heart that she is good right where she is. Her time for activities is coming and I don't want to miss what down time and finger nail painting time I have right now with her.
I have personally been struggling with anxiety and what could only be termed "spiritual warfare". Days of not being able to tolerate being around others - feeling completely overwhelmed, but also very numb inside - moments of anger that bubble up out of nowhere - and crying for no apparent reason. I have a history of health issues - iron deficiant anemia being one of them. That alone accounts for all the above symptoms, but now it turns out I also have ulcers. After being in a season of what I would say is "winter" spiritually, I do believe spring has sprung - the soil is being turned - weeds and rocks removed - ready to have God plant in me and to bring forth what was planted months ago, but has been allowed to be choked out by my own neglect.
This really hit home as I looked back over our family garden. In years past it has been a source of contention, but also learning, teaching, and growing for me personally and our family. This year - for many reasons, we were late preparing the ground, planting the vegetables and flowers, and fertilizing them. I don't know why but this year the growing seemed SO MUCH slower than other years. When veggies did begin to grow there was no maintainence, no further fertilizing and no weed pulling. I went and gathered the fruit, but even that was lacking in my opinion. Finally it got to where I didn't even bother anymore - sometimes I would send the kids to get stuff out of the garden, but once the squash plant was eaten from the inside out by some sort of pest I sort of said, "why am I wasting our time - let it go". And I did - but one day, looking out the kitchen window it hit me - this is EXACTLY what I was doing with my spiritual life, my marriage, my parenting, my job. I had planted, watered, become impatient, waited some - got a taste of what "could be" but then wasn't truly satisfied- so I proceeded to neglect. All areas - and boy howdy does my life reflect this. Weight gain, complacency, "good enough", and plain neglect. In response to this, my marriage has hit a patch I haven't seen before, my kids have become short with one another - hardly tolerating any faults by another, and I have struggled to tolerate my job. My house has been out of order and my actual "house" reflects the parasite of sin that has been allowed in. It has taken about a month, since this revelation, for my heart to be open enough to begin the process of allowing the soil of my heart and mind to be tilled up.
I have cried out to my gracious, always faithful, ever present, never inconsistent, Abba. He has heard me - and I am listening. So, while there is work to be done, I know it is not all up to me, this is a process, and growth takes time, care, fertilizing, weeding, and continued love for myself and those around me. Just in the last two weeks my marriage has begun to be placed back into a spot of importance in my heart, along with my parenting, and the needs of those I serve at my job. I am praying - really praying (not just out of rote)- again. I know healing is happening within me - in my health, my home, and my spiritual life.
I am looking forward to God continuing to show off in my life - and I have put my flesh on the altar in full surrender that may I not let "me" get bigger than "Him" in my life again....(but if it happens, I know He is better than me at parenting and will be there patiently to pick me back up, help me dust off, and point me AGAIN in the right direction!)
So thankful.
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