More to Life

This weekend I was blessed with a visit from my mother. It is very rare for my mother to visit any of her children. Why? Who knows? She came for the day about two months ago. Right now I can't remember why - may have been longer than that - the kids have grown since she last saw them if that says anything, but that is not the point. I love my mother dearly and feel very grateful for all she sacrificed for me as a single mother from the time I was nine years old. My dad did not pay child support and was not much support in any other way.
Being on the other side - a parent of three - paying bills, etc. - I can see there are other ways he could have helped out that were not financial, but he didn't as far as I can tell - and I think that is what counts - my mom never said ANYTHING bad about my dad until I got married and started having kids - then it is like a damn opened. But, alas, I digress.
Having my mom visit this weekend was good - but also eye opening for me. I have known for years how negative she is towards all of us (there are three girls and a boy in my bio family) and am just outspoken enough to call her on it. Until the last visit. Since my surgery in December of last year I have put on 32 lbs. Not by choice mind you, but there it is. My husband's mom was the first to be the black dot by telling me about 10 days after my surgery that "now you will put on weight because that is when I started putting on mine." Then I did - and it got worse, and I felt worse, and it got worse, and I became obsessed, and on we went. Then I saw my mom. What makes this bad is my mom only lives 45 min away. Anyway, the first thing she said to me was "how much weight have you put on?" As much as I love and appreciate my mom, this is not what I want to be like with my kids. This really bothered me - I was irritable with her the rest of her visit - angry with her and myself - then this last one. First thing she said when I met her at the car, "how much bigger are you going to get?" Not, "hey, Reeda!" Not, "how are you, Reeda!, or , "so great to see you, Reeda!" No, just weight related statements. So, no wonder it is a focus in my head.
Tonight at church my pastor did a sermon on hurts, letting go of the pain, deaths, deaths of ideas - maybe of relationships, or finances, or jobs, or kids, spouses, marriages, etc. Me - I have been struggling for more than two years (that I have been willing to admit) with an addiction to ice cream and sugar, and food. You ask how this is an issue? Well, it torments me. I think about it constantly. Think if I don't have it I will come out of my skin - can taste it before I get it - know exactly what combinations I need at certain times. Put much thought in to how I am going to obtain it, hide that I got it, get more of it, not share it and then start the cycle over again. It interferes with my walk with Christ. I new this year that this was an area I had not surrendered to God, but really had been deceiving myself about that. Until tonight. Tonight I surrendered. I committed to giving every part of my life to Christ. Not JUST my money, marriage, children, job, home, friends, and family - also my food. Can you believe it is the seemingly most simple thing I am having the most difficult time with. I have spent hours in tears. I have spent lots of money on products, have watched infomercials wondering why it won't work for me - when truly we have to come to Christ as little children. My children ask my permission for almost everything - as they are maturing they know what they can and can't do, say, eat and watch - and when they get out of line I bring them back in. Isn't that they same with God? Don't I love them unconditionally? Doesn't God? I just truly haven't understood that because the love I have been given in my biological family has been tied to other things - performance, food, goodness, etc. I realized this weekend I will never measure up to my mother or fathers standards and expectations here on earth and I choose now to stop feeling guilty about that. I love them, but I only have to please my heavenly Father. I will continue to honor them, but I will not bend over backwards for them anymore. I have my own family that I have to take care of and raise - I am proud of my husband and children and thankful for what Christ has given me even though I am so undeserving. I know He sees so much more in me than I will ever see, but I hope to live up to that beginning today - making good choices for my body. Food and exercise - and cheering on my kids instead of pointing out the obvious each time! So, with Isaiah 43:18-19 in mind, here I grow!