From the outfield

Outfielders are kind of like back up singers to me - who really knows who Michael Jackson's back up singers are - or Toby Mac or Mandisa? 

Who really knows who the outfielders are for the Braves? Or the linebackers for any team? 

Well I am sure there are true hard core music and sports aficionados out there that do, but the majority of people don't have a clue. 

As a mom you get asked ALOT 'what position does your child play?' Response from me-'outfield'. 

That is always met with a polite smile but it ends the conversation. 

But listen and watch - and I am SO guilty, too, 'first base' , 'pitcher', 'catcher' - those are met with really? Then stats are discussed and more animated conversation ensues. 

I imagine that is the same with the mom of someone famous- like Michael Jackson's mom vs. the mom of the unknown backup singer. 

The pride factor just tends to be different with the 'star'. 

But as I sit here watching my child being trained to play second base I think, 'woohoo! Second base! Way to go, Tate'. Then I think, 'wow, if it weren't for the outfielders that ball would never have gotten in.' Similar to back up singers - yes, there are those that need no backup singers, but, WOW! The music is so much richer thanks to the additional voices and ranges. 

The same is true in life. There are those called to be in the spotlight, on the stage or at the podium- the CEO's of businesses and leaders of congregations. Then there are those called to be the 'back up- or outfielders'. Those are the ones we sometimes see, might hear about, but are never the main focus. They are the ones that add life to our life through physical, spiritual, and emotional support to those in the spotlight. They are the ones that take up the slack in the homes, the workplace - the detail people and prayer warriors. Not always seen, but if we tried to function without them life would be a little flat - more difficult to keep up with all that is thrown our way - or even less protected from the 'nonsense' satan attempts to trip us up with. 

Sometimes the world tells us 'they aren't as important', but oh how they are! 

I am embarrassed to say I am part of 'the world' in this sense. MUCH more excited to say, 'he plays second' than, 'right field'. 

But, I don't just think that where my child is concerned - my flesh is not so discerning- I totally fall into this same trap where I am concerned. 

It sounds better to those I come in contact with to say, 'domestic engineer' or 'CEO of House of Knights' than 'mom' or 'homemaker'. Right? 

We believe degrees and spotlight are more important than the dishwasher or janitor, or woman  that answers the phone at the doctors office or bank. 

Oh how so very wrong we are. 

Chaos would ensue without the outfielders.

But, we spend thousands for those degrees- bigger degrees could mean better job with more money and more prestige. 

We spend even more paying others to be our 'outfielders' and 'lineman'. If not in money, then in time away from those closest to us- 'cause they understand', 'they know this will get us more! More money, more stuff - even more stuff to do good for others, so that CAN'T be wrong. Right?'

In my recent study of the book of Nehemiah, it has been brought to my attention multiple times that satan uses ANYTHING to distract us. He uses 'good' things, he uses our insecurities, he uses our pride, he uses pretty much anything we see as important in life to try and distract us from God's design on our life. Seriously- he will use anything - family, friends, finances, health issues, etc. 

But, Nehemiah has so very much been used to drive home with me the power in prayer. 

That is such a 'church' phrase - thrown about so easily- but never more real to me than in the past four years - and God is taking the time right now, once again, to sit me down and show me again - (because I tend to be easily shoved into the ditch of disbelief), that Matthew 6:33- the verse God spoke so clearly to me on July 9, 2011, is and was the truth - 'seek- pray - ask - go to- Him (God, Jesus, Son of God) and ALL these things will be added unto you.'

Pray first. Realign myself with God. What has He called me to? Have I been distracted? Are my goals His goals? Have I asked Him if He even wants me on second base, or the pitcher's mound- more fame, better sounding/paying job, more money. OR..... Did I take off without Him full of pride in the thought of where I COULD be - and WHO I would be- in the eyes of those around me? Only to find myself overwhelmed, exhausted, in bondage covered in anxiety and stress?

So, although my son has been called to move up to second base, it is still so important to help him remember the outfield. And as I stand for this season in the 'outfield' I rest in the knowledge that I am exactly where God needs and wants me, and I am learning so very much as I support the infield players in my life, in my home, in my work, and in my church. 

So thankful for this beautiful view from the outfield!

Worship God with our bodies

Today I was OVERWHELMED by God speaking to me- reminding me of all that is important- nothing in my life is more important than worship and sharing God's love, grace, and mercy. Nothing. Period.

What I have come to realize is that movement is part of worship. Dancing, jumping, kneeling, hands in the air, etc- all forms of worship. I personally was made to move. No doubt about it- even when my eyes are closed my body is in motion (anyone that has stood next to me during corporate prayer knows this!). 

I am grateful for my ability to move. 

I am SO thankful for being able to use every part of my body every single day. There are those less fortunate - those with permanent injuries, birth defects, progressive diseases, etc., that make them unable to move in the ways I take for granted daily. 

So I have been at an ALS conference and from the very first person that stood up to speak- a doctor from the UK- I KNEW God was reminding me of not only all I have, but also what I have been taking for granted lately and not using. 

By lunchtime at the conference I was mentally and emotionally overwhelmed by all God was saying to me - speaking directly to me about my worship. I was created for movement but have not been utilizing that precious gift. He reminded me I was called to more than watching TV or playing on my phone, or even just riding the lawn mower - I am called to move. 

At lunch we had another speaker - to say I didn't want to listen to a speaker during my lunchbreak is an understatement. But, God knew He had my attention and he used the next person to drive His point home with me. 

The speakers name was Kevin Turner. Personally I had never heard of Kevin Turner despite where I am from and the fact that my husband loves all forms of football. Turns out he is a former Tide player that went on to play eight seasons in the NFL. Because of his position he had multiple concussions. 

Now keep in mind I was at an ALS conference - I had no idea concussions could be a factor in ALS.

ALS is fast moving. It is progressive in nature and to this date no cure has been found. No truly viable way to slow its progression has been identified either. It is very difficult to diagnose because it looks like other illnesses and disorders. 

Kevin was diagnosed in 2009. The video they did was 2011 and now we are in 2013. 

It has progressed so much. He can't hold his head up without support, he has very little use of his left arm, he has assistance to walk distances. His speech is likened to a drunk person trying to act sober and although his breathing was not addressed I imagine he has a bi-pap machine for when he sleeps. 

Now his body may look and sound disabled, but his spirit is not! 

I listened in awe as he joked with us, was honest with us, and allowed himself to be an audible and visible example of what living with this devastating and progressive disease does to a person and their family. 

He is full of joy and hope. He trusts God for his healing that is coming he said, and he believes he was placed here to bring attention to ALS.

Take a moment when you can and watch his documentary called. 'American Man'.

Also watch the video 'Journey On/Kevin Turner and ALS'.

Just as it is Kevin's calling to share this disease with others, I believe God was reiterating to me that my body has been gifted with movement and I have a true love for it. So how am I using this? Am I squandering it or sharing it? 

God will hold us each accountable for gifts and opportunities given to us - NOT to better ourselves - but instead to better the lives of those God brings to us. Our families, our communities, etc. 

Were we like the ones in Matthew 25 starting in verse 14- 'The Parable of the Talents(or bags of gold in some translations)'.

Are we taking what we have been entrusted with and doing even more? Or, are we hiding it? Out of fear, laziness, lack of vision, etc?

I want to be one that hears, 'Well done faithful servant!' I want Jesus to look and see how His gift in me has been multiplied to those around me.

I want to share movement as a form of worship.

New week. New opportunities.

Today begins a new week for me. The beginning of a new chapter in life. I am very nervous but so excited! I know God has ordained this and cannot wait to see all He has planned! 

I believe walking in the way of Christ we are more likely to encounter 'push back' and obstacles. These look different for all, but I personally try and evaluate what I believe to be God's call on my life and line it up to His word and His role for me in my family. If what I think I am supposed to be doing doesn't line up with His word and His call on my life as a wife and mom first, then I am probably not hearing God, but instead following my own desires.

Funny, but a good friend affirmed this for me yesterday. She encouraged making lists. 'Family, Ministry, Work'

If it doesn't fit in then it needs to be out :) 

So perfect.

This past Thursday I was headed home to get my daughter to go lead ZUMBA and hit a pothole and busted my tire. I was on a busy back road but nowhere to really pull off that was flat and I ended up in a driveway in an area with no cell coverage. 

So thankfully God sent a man named Bo. He went back down his driveway got his professional tools and had my tire changed in mere minutes. All it took was prayer. First I did what I know to do - call someone - husband, roadside assistance, etc- but when calls wouldn't go through I became frustrated. Cars flying by- no one even thinking of stopping and me really panicking because I can't even let my class know. 

Well, although it should have been my first resort, I did finally speak a prayer - and up the long drive came Bo. 

So thankful for him- and even got to class but only five minutes late!

The next day after many calls, I had it worked out to take my car to get the tire fixed. It's about a 20 min drive with four good tires, so took longer with my gimp tire. 

I'm sitting at a red light and lo and behold I am rammed from behind. 

One year old car. 

Not a happy camper. Couldn't think except to call police. I think I truly understand shock. Just couldn't get passed I was sitting at a red light, minding my own business, and WHAM!

Minor injuries to my neck, right shoulder and right arm, but otherwise ok. 

Blessed but not fully able to comprehend how blessed. So very thankful my kids were not with me. So very thankful she tried to make it around me when she realized she was going to hit me - so very thankful the car in front of me had already moved forward at the green light. But also SO mad. 

Seriously- could not believe I was hit. So not happy.

As the week has worn on I have been spared- I truly believe- from two other wrecks. Tuesday- had to go get the police report. Coming back there was a MAJOR wreck with ambulances, an 18 wheeler and five cars- one upside down in the road. It happened where I was not even 15 min earlier! Had I taken the time for breakfast or even a little make up that could have been me. 

The next day I did bother with make up. Still feeling not great I was running late. That made me miss the wreck at my exit for my office! Praise The Lord! 

There have been other things this week - the 'push back' I was told to expect. Wow. It has been a stressful week, but as I sit here finishing this entry I am also reminded that although the week was rough -and not over- my God is AwEsOmE! He has been more than faithful. For every attack the enemy has tried to destroy my path with, God has put in side roads to take right in time. No joke.

From formula for my son, to protection, to friends helping out, to a great insurance company, and on and on. 

Just when... There He was!

So, I have not given up. My homework for class isn't done, but I am further than

I was. My prayer life has increased. Reading Nehamiah has been great, along with the book, Radical. Very very challenging to me. Love that God is shaking things up! 

I KNOW I am walking exactly where I am supposed to be!

Here is to the next week coming!

Colossians 3:2 

Set your heart on things above, not on things of this earth.

AMEN!

Just Right

I don't know about you, but I have struggled for what seems like a lifetime of 'becoming' what I am 'supposed to be'. That encompasses my degree, my job, my weight, my parenting, and my marriage. 

I have been on a recent journey of internal transformation. At moments I look back over these past four years and think, 'wow, look at how different I am.' Looks are one thing, but the heart is what matters. I look at my outside and am dissatisfied. There is ALWAYS room for improvement. There is ALWAYS more to learn, do, and become. I believe God places dreams in us that we then have to decide, 'am I gonna believe or am I gonna decide before even trying?' 

Too often I decide before trying- leaving no room for faith. I name it 'practicality' or 'experience'. But really it's simply fear - and fear is the absence of faith. 

God has been preparing me for my next phase. As my kids are growing, and in some ways needing me less, but other ways needing me so much more, I find myself restless. 

So, I transform rooms inside my head within my home- have now actually done one for real :). I imagine rearrangement and new paint colors- I scour Pinterest for idea supports- and dream. 

Of course putting these dreams into reality costs actual money. Money is here because my husband and I both work, but there are always other priorities. Little things like Tate's formula, thickener, doctor appts and medications, gas for the cars, and all the activities the kids are involved in. Of course then there are clothes, shoes, undergarments, etc. (I mean seriously- how fast they grow!) 

Soooo, since total redo of the inside of my house is out - and yes, I am an ALL or NOTHING personality- then my restless focus shifts to jobs. 

Social work is the profession I am in. There is SO much about the politics I don't mesh with - the liberal slant, etc. So thankfully God has allowed me a job with a Christian focus. Why am I restless you ask? Because I think the 'whole' person - or system- is what should be looked at for true change to occur. Unfortunately that really doesn't work. I recognize on most days that I am a conduit for God to work through. Other days I try and be the 'power source' for that change. Um, yeah. Doesn't work that way either. Despite the giftings God has given me - please sit for this revelation- I am NOT God. I cannot fix the worlds hurts, keep people from committing suicide, get them to make lasting changes in parenting styles or personal choices. And wonder of wonders I can't even get them to like each other. 

So, I try and remember my role. Try and not overstep God and wait. I get impatient. Thankfully God gives me other outlets and is EXTREMELY patient with me. As arrogant as I sound I really am not. I still believe I'm not enough. That there is 'more' I am to do or become. 

During all this I still have dreams and struggles and triumphs and setbacks - heart breaks and heart revelations so to speak. 

God puts sweet and powerful reminders in my path in the form of my children so often. I forget that I REALLY am 'training them up in the way they should go' as instructed in the Bible. My desire is that they are trained to seek God first in ALL things- that they allow the Holy Spirit room to grow and with inside them, and that the fruits of the spirit would be OVERFLOWING!! Oh how I desire these things. 

They are WONDERFUL kids. Loving, hardworking, beautiful inside and out, and they really do love God personally. They are smart, funny, gifted, and personable. They have common sense and a degree of wisdom that sometimes catches me off guard. They embrace life and believe in dreams. I am so blessed. 

So God used Tate to knock me upside my head yesterday. We were shopping at a local thrift store for back to school clothes, and I found a pair of pants I loved. They were Ralph Lauren, linen, floral and SO ME. The size wasn't though. The size was a 12 and if you know linen, it's NOT a forgiving material. There is NO stretch. So I stood there debating with myself about how much I would need to lose and how many squats and lunges I would need to complete to get my rear in those pants. 

Tate looks at me and says, 'what are you doing?' I told him I like the pants but was trying to decide if I need to take them home as my 'goal' pants. He said, 'goal pants? You mean like you have to do something to wear them?' Yep. Exactly. In his ten year old wisdom Tate says to me, 'that's kind of ridiculous. You don't need to do something for those- you don't need those because you are just right like you are. When will you know that?' 

I know it sounds like a smart aleck remark, but his tone was so not. I stood there holding those pants as his words sank in and really took hold. 

WHY was I never satisfied? WHY do I always think I need to be smaller, do more or be different? 

Out of the mouth of babes. 

So, as I have chewed on this for 24+ hours, I have come to the conclusion - probably the same conclusion I have had before, but I hear it differently this time- that now IS the time. What am I waiting for? God doesn't need me to be smaller, a better mother or wife, or even the fixer of everyone's problems. He just loves me like I am, where I am. He can accomplish the dreams He has given me JUST LIKE I AM. No more - no less. 

He will change whatever needs to be refined- He who began a good work will be FAITHFUL to complete it. All I have to do is have faith - not fear- to believe that He will - and I don't need to 'change' me to be used- I just need to give Him my willingness. 

Wisdom comes from the most interesting places. My ten year old is just one of the mouthpieces God has used to get my attention. 

So blessed!!

Under Construction

I have to try and get out all that is being revealed in my spirit. Four years ago I began this journey into health through fitness. God placed a dream - a huge dream that felt oh so silly to a fatty like me- to one day be able to lead other women in their personal goals of fitness. This road has contained some MAJOR ups and downs, but God has allowed me to walk into that dream- my problem is that I haven't even realized I AM walking in it. I DO lead other women in their plan for fitness - I HAVE gotten certified and have been given the awesome opportunity to walk with these ladies along their own roads. I am literally living that dream. 

Does it look like I thought it would? No. Do I look like I thought I would by now? Um, no. 

Do I believe this is it? No! 

My spirit is stirred and I am excited! 

I know that while the road is not always easy, God's strength is PERFECT in my weakness. 

'God uses the foolish to confound the wise'. I know He is with me - doesn't matter if my knowledge and ability are perfect at any given time - all He asks is obedience and He does the rest! 

I love what He has already done in me, and am so thankful He isn't finished! 

There is more to come!

The following are pictures of the work in progress (on the outside- hopefully my heart shines through no matter what the outside looks like!)

The first picture is 2008 - one year before this journey began. 

The second is from last night before I led ZUMBA

ALL praise to God! 

Life from the waiting room...

My eldest daughter can spout so many random facts about so many things I have joked we need to put her on Jeopardy. For instance: the average time spent at red lights is 6 months of your life, and did you know that your saliva could fill up 12 swimming pools?? I am telling you- her list goes on. 

That made me wonder, 'what is the average time spent in doctor's waiting rooms?' Unfortunately that number would vary DRASTICALLY for each person and/or family. 

Me? I spend an average of probably 3 hours a week in waiting rooms if you figure up all appts from this last year for the five of us that I have been to. ENT, pediatrician, GI, surgery waiting, hematology, allergist, etc, etc, etc...

I should probably get out my checkbook and count up the actual number of visits and average time spent based on parking receipts- but I won't bog us down with those specifics :)

I am the type person that loves to strike up conversations with random people around me. My kids and husband sometimes get annoyed by this 'gift', but I also believe God is using me in some small way in these people's lives, but for sure I am usually blessed by them- so teaching this to my children (by example) is important to me. 

One example is my latest visit to my hematologist. Every time I go I am there for hours on end- and if I get an infusion then it is at least half a day. In these visits I have come to recognize certain body language and facial expressions on those waiting in the waiting room. There are those with many family members that have their diagnosis and have come to discuss options and treatment expectations. There are those that sit a little straighter with no reading material - a little more anxious than others because they got 'abnormal' results. There are those into their treatment but not yet comfortable - some even are still in the stage of anger (I have never been able to really get a conversation going with this group), and then there are those who are so so close to the end of treatment. There is a joy on their ashen face  a bounce in their step, and more often than not a really cool head covering because they have embraced their situation and no longer care about the lack of hair and eyebrows- stares don't bother them and usually they love answering questions and telling 'their story'. This group exudes a peace you would just need to observe. I really love visiting with this group of patients. 

As I talked with two women in the second and last group I described ( I just tried to be quiet around the family that was so sad and there with lots of family members to hear what 'Dad's' options were), I realized other waiting rooms are the exact same - and so is life. 

What I mean is we are all in one stage or another: we have just gotten the news and life is about to drastically change, we are sitting up straighter because of an intuition we have in our heart that 'some thing' is a little out of whack with us (physically, spiritually, etc.) and we are on alert as to what is coming next, we are burdened and sad because we are about to start- or are in the midst- of our 'treatment' and though the treatment can help us, it is painful, time consuming, and exhausting, and at times we think. 'Why bother?'. 

But, just like this waiting room, for those that DO stick with the treatment  we find ourselves eventually at peace. Not because a cure has been found, but because we have come to acceptance. Acceptance that life will never really be the same after this, acceptance that treatment can be painful, acceptance that our 'outside' (worldly values and physical gains) no longer hold that coveted place of importance- instead it is our inside that matters the most. The changes being made may not be noticeable to those around us, but WE know there is a difference, and when 'tests' come they allow us to sort of see a measurement of where we were, where we are, and maybe even how far we still have to go, but above all this we know we are stronger than we were when the process started. The strength may not be physical (our bodies take a little longer to catch up), but that strength is for sure in spirit and tenacity.  Our journey has been hard fought and we may not be done, but our peace is real because of the strength that has been given AND we are more likely to look at those 'patients' around us in life and be able to say, 'hey, hang on just a little longer - it may be hell now, but in our weakness He is strong, and He is always faithful, never changing, always waiting for us just to sit down and lean on Him, and in doing so we get a peace that passes ALL understanding, and the confidence to know that no matter what is headed our way- because of all we have learned we know- God's got this! (Just give it to Him)

Matthew 6:33-34

So, be kind to those that irritate you, look for the signs of where they might be, and then maybe move forward accordingly in engaging them...

My 'Wings'

One aspect of all the changes God is making in me is my eating. Over the past four years I have worked out consistently. Up until my back injury two years ago I was working out twice a day 6 days a week. Weight lifting and Zumba with kickboxing thrown in. Weights have been my 'go to' exercise as long as I can remember. In high school I would workout to Gil on TV(anyone remember Gil?) Weights I did on my own- then in college I even took a weightlifting course- hated the pain - loved the work :) 

Then one year about ten years ago I told my husband I really wanted to start again - so he bought me a weight bench and free weights. I did those consistently for about a month - but like soooo many things I get interested in, I soon became bored and that became neglected. 

So years go by- MANY diets and fads went through my life. I am so seriously educated on fitness and food that I really should be the most buff female around rockin' a HOT total cholesterol well under 200...

Alas, I am not. *sigh*

So, since it is not for lack of knowledge it stands to reason there is something 'wrong' with me, right? 

Like a disorder, or hereditary cause as to why I continue to fail at goals I set. 

Weeeeelllll, physically I could give you a plethora of the medical reasons losing weight is difficult for me - I can even tell you about my raging ADHD that 'assists' my ease at quitting and moving on. It has been an interesting joke that my marriage and parenting have been the only two things I have really stuck with more than two years... 

I found a job- or it found me- that I excelled at about twelve years ago. Despite my ability that job took its toll with the demands of family and a chronically ill child. So God moved me to a different place of employment and same type work on lesser scale. During that time at the other job I did no regular workouts, but did consistently 'discuss' weight loss, the how to's etc - also learned more about diff types of exercise- but still never consistently did anything. 

After the job change, kids were a little older, and a friend introduced me to ZUMBA. Fell. In. Love. 

I mean where else can I shake it to great music and burn massive calories??!! Wow! Changed my life. Then I added weights - started in a class called BodyPump. Oh how the love overflowed for this class also! It was like the best of both worlds, but if you made me choose it would be BodyPump. 

Knew God was going to use this for good - prayed about it and jumped in with both feet- literally. Got certified in ZUMBA. Looked into certification for BodyPump, but you had to be with a gym as an employee that was Les Mills certified, and to do that you would need to be ACE or AFAA certified. So I got my AFAA certification. 

But, right before that I injured my back which stopped my weightlifting - even stopped my teaching Zumba for a while. It was so hard. Then when I went back to BP I think depression set in. It was SO hard looking in those mirrors and seeing how quickly ALL my hard work had almost vanished as far as visible results after only 6 weeks. I truly mourned that. I even became angry that all of it had happened and sat reciting my list of 'if-only' when the realization would hit that I was basically starting over. I just could not wrap my brain around it. So like the person I had a history of being I quit. My back has never been the same, but my attitude could have been. Instead I just quit. I quit even trying - I ate and ate like it was my birthday every day. Soon I gained back all my weight. 

This past year - well really starting in October- I started trying to do other things. BodyFlow was something I started. That was good. It gave me an outlet from Zumba teaching and it therapeutically helped my back. Still, though I looked in the mirror unsatisfied. Back came the 'If-Onlies' again. 

I wanted my range of motion back as well as the definition and shape. 

And the thing I hated MOST to see looking back at me were my 'wings'. 

They jiggle and sway even if I have already stopped moving. Just disgusting. 

But, I had to put that aside and decide if I wanted to stay in my pity party or wanted to get back at 'it' with different tools. 

I decided it was time to fight again. 

Since then (Jan 14 to be exact) I have begun working out more consistently - for me- not just for class. I have actually started eating healthy (only since March though) and I started back with BodyPump(this time at home where there are no mirrors LOL)

It is all still in the infancy stages, but now when I look in the mirror I see what will be and focus on my thankfulness of  what isn't. I am not incapacitated, I am not in a wheel chair, and I am not terminally ill. So, I get up. I move what God gave me. This temple of His. Not just a number on a scale or a pair of pants, but His living, breathing, blessed creation - filled with the Holy Spirit! 

So I am looking at my 'wings' as I do my hair and realize I may never be rid of those, but I won't quit. I will look at those wings as a reminder of where I have been, and where I pray to stay away from. I will continue healthy patterns and not abuse my body with junk. I realize after all these years that yes, I do have medical issues that slow the process down of muscle building and fat loss, but DISCIPLINE is a tool that can get me much closer to my goals than all my excuses. 

So I will welcome discipline into my life, and I plan to use these 'wings' to allow God to help me soar in this next phase of my life and health. 

(I will be rockin' that under 200 cholesterol before you know it! As well as even smaller clothes, but more importantly I will do so for the benefit of God's Temple) 

1 Corinthians 6:12 'everything is permissible for me, but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible for me, but I will not be mastered by anything' NIV

2 Corinthians 5:17 'therefore, if any man is in Christ he is a new creation: old things are passed away; behold, all things are new' KJV

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 'don't you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives inside you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body.'

Beach break

So as I sit here on my second day of our beach vacation, I reflect on God's blessings and His timing. 

This trip is a huge blessing. This is the first time as a family that we haven't been with another family or at the cheapest of cheap places to stay. By cheap I truly mean just that- hard beds, doors that don't close, nasty carpet, etc. I will say those trips brought out the best and worst of me and mine. 

We worked hard for this trip- my husband's overtime (which takes its toll on us all, but a blessing at the same time), leading Zumba classes despite how I felt that evening, and paying off some debt before we were comfortable 'treating' ourselves. 

All that made this trip just a little sweeter for me. 

Don't get me wrong, we have been so very very blessed with great friends, and family through the years that have split the cost, shared their wealth and space, with us so we could have a vacation. We have cherished every one. 

My kids are older, my marriage is in a different place, and I like to think I am more mature :) These blessings continue to flow. I don't EVER want to take God's favor on me, my kids, or my family and marriage, for granted. I pray I continue to grow, be thankful, and 'pay it forward' as it is given to me. 

So on this trip God has given me beauty in my environment, money to enjoy it, and protection in all we do. 

Joel 2:25 "and I will restore to you all the years the locust have eaten..."

So thankful

I have said it before, but it bears repeating. While my childhood may not have been 'ideal' compared to the majority around me at the time, I was SO blessed to grow up in the town I did, with the family I did, and with the wisdom of Christian leaders around me. Someone put a poster up at United Way that said, 'It takes a village to raise up a child' This is so very true. 

There is still so much room for growth and improvement but there are a few things 'right' about me also. I credit this to my foundation. My foundation in a church filled with real people that love Jesus. These people gave of their time and talents to feed into me. Paul M. and my grandmother M. fostered my love of music (although I can't carry a tune in a bucket). Music is to this day, one Lana and Curtiss and Linda (and countless others) gave of their time to not only lead the musicals that fed my naturally dramatic flare, but reinforced music as a conduit of God's love. 

In my youth group there were Sunday school leaders, pastor's wives, friend's parents, and many more, that spent countless hours teaching and encouraging me, listening to me, mentoring me and cheering me on. They kept me grounded when I was irrational(remember that dramatic flare?). Because of these men and women I understand the importance of Bible study and memorization, of listening to immature teenagers that feel 'this' is SO important! Of giving back despite what my job or family obligations are - but to always keep life in order, God, family, friends. 

Watching my mom and the mom's put in front of me growing up, has shaped the mother I am today. While I am not perfect, my heart is pure. I want only the best for my kids. I want them to love Jesus, share Jesus' love, and be counted on by those around them. 

I want them to always do their best, admit mistakes and take personal responsibility at all times. I want them to know there is a whole other world 'out there' beyond themselves, their clothes, their social groups, and their town. I pray they always appreciate the little things but expect the big things in life. 

As a wife I probably struggle the most. Not because of negative experiences, but  because I can only consciously think of one couple that took time to verbally demonstrate - as well as living this out- what God called a wife to be. Or what the idea is of a Biblical wife. My mom did this, but was overshadowed by her divorce. I can see now that she did live out what the Bible calls us to as a wife to the best of her ability. There were even women in my church that were betrayed by their spouse, but chose to stay and work through it. I used to think, 'I would never...' Well, not that my spouse has cheated, but the struggles we have had have been varied and many. God has used the foundation I was given to keep me planted as the storms have RAGED from around me, but also inside me. I stand here, almost 17 years into marriage and think of so many should have, would haves, could haves and if onlys. But I also stand in the knowledge that 'He who began a good work IS faithful to complete it'. Whether its my parenting, my marriage, my life in general - I know that God has this! No matter how badly I may 'feel' I am screwing things up with my husband or my children, I rest in His promise that He is making something wonderful as my heart and steps continue to follow him.

So thankful for my 'village'!

Growing up

I know with the school year coming to an end, both girls getting braces off, one learning to drive, and my youngest no longer believing in Santa or any of his guardian crew it is normal to reflect - and I am no different, that is what I am doing.

There are moments that forever 'mark' our lives - they are good moments and unfortunately there are also 'bad' moments. It could be a death, job loss, move, etc. I think back over these last four years and consider not only what moments have effected me, but also my kids, my marriage, my extended family, etc. 

Some of our highlights have been: 

Layoff, death of grandfather(mine), my mother's incapacitation, foot surgery, husband's relapse, death of MIL, MIL illness, financial issues, separation, kids succeeding in school and friendships, favor with employment, worsening of food allergies, hearing issues, personal back injury, chronic pain in my husbands body, maturation of my kids, ripping apart of my sibling relationships- and now some restoration of that. And like your list I am sure, mine could go on. 

I think back over the awesome favor of God in my life, the life of my children, and my husband - not to say we have had it easy breezy, but I am so definitely sure things could have been worse. 

As I feel like spring is continuing inside me I get all giddy. 

I have been in 'winter' for a long time it seems. Sort of like a soldier with PTSD. Just kind of going through the motions, thankful, but also waiting for that next atom bomb. 

For whatever reason God is choosing now to again, shake up my ground - pour out His life water, and start my regrowth after dormancy. I had moments this past fall, but allowed myself to hibernate once again. 

This post does not suffice all that is happening inside my heart and life, but please know - 'To God Be ALL the glory!!' I take nothing for granted. Not my marriage, my children, my job, friends, nothing. 

As a side note this 'shake up' includes my battle with the enemy where food and sugar and breads are concerned. It is so true what the Bible says, 'resist the devil and he will flee'. There are days his persuasion is SO strong and just exactly what my flesh believes is needed, but each time I have resisted his uncanny timing, I have become spiritually stronger in this area! It is also true what Proverbs says, where there is no plan, the people perish'. This is not speaking just to finances or tomorrow- or even to the coming of a digital shutdown that could cripple our lives. No, this speaks to every area- especially our own specific 'soft spot' so to speak. I am learning every day the fine art of preparation. 

Daily I try and confess God's word and promises over me, my marriage, and my family. Romans 14:7

Be blessed!