Getting even more real...

It has been more than a year since I have posted anything on here.  Mainly because my life was chaos for so very many months and I was just treading water.  I want to testify to the awesomeness of God.  He is always faithful - always providing - always present.  I have had moments in the past year that I have wondered if He cared, heard me, etc - then I would be very reminded that, yes - He was hearing, seeing, caring, etc - Then I would end up in a place of just personally not caring if He cared about me and my situation at all.  Very much like a child not getting their way and wanting to pack it all in and go home.  Those are the moments I KNOW he had to be patiently standing beside me - much like a parent does to a stubborn toddler - waiting for me to reach for his hand as I stumbled over the "mess" I left out.  Too often I know I balled up my fists, screwed up my face, and folded my arms into myself and said, "I can do this".  He still waited.  Never walked off.  I don't think he laughed - probably smiled at times - but only a smile of tolerant patience.
Despite my personal trials - the marriage problems, my husbands' issues, and the stress of managing three children, a house, jobs, etc - I do know that in the end there is still me.  There are still things God is wanting me to allow Him to work out - make stronger or get rid of - refine and even some that he wants to restore.  What I have witnessed in my marriage is nothing short of amazing - what I have witnessed in the lives of my children reminds me of just how very blessed I am - and then I look at how humble my husband had to become to allow God to work in his life and I stand back in AWE of what God can do - especially when we allow it to happen.
So that makes me wonder why I try and screw it all up?  Why do I feel a need to not be satisfied with what is - or what I have or where I am in life? Why do I allow myself to get trapped in this world of doubt, condemnation, fear, "this is too good to be true" type thinking, or even the trap of comparing myself and my blessings and my faith walk and all to what I see in others' lives?
Admitting this all happens makes me feel very very small.  Not only that, but, when I admit the things I think, then I don't like myself much.
Then I wonder -are there others?
Like when I had post partum depression after my first child - I had NO IDEA what was wrong with me.  I just knew something was - and I didn't feel I could admit I didn't like my child or myself or my husband for that matter - because "oh my gosh!" what "mother" doesn't like their precious newborn?  What new mom doesn't like their new life?  That perfect Norman Rockwell painting where mom and dad are together adoring the child as it coos up at them?
If God didn't place Oprah Winfrey on this earth for any other reason - I thank him for placing her here to have the show with women that spoke about post partum depression, its signs, symptoms, and real life examples - and for our ABC channel rerunning her show after midnight when I was up with a screaming child to see it - I do believe it helped (along with a mom willing to talk at any given time) save my child.
So - maybe there are others - those out there that wonder "am I the only one that feels this way?" In regards to their life and spiritual life - I know I am an all or nothing person - I have such terrible difficulty with a middle ground - if I can't succeed (my definition) at what I try then I'm not supposed to do it - right? so in response to that I usually go COMPLETELY off the other end of the spectrum.  I end up eating everything I can get - or going and getting more - or I quit what I set out to do - a book, Bible study, class, project, etc - then I REALLY feel as though not only have I failed myself - and God, but I lived down to what some have said in the past.  That I don't "ever" finish what I start - that I don't see things through - that I don't think things through I just jump in.
It gets to be overwhelming and frustrating - I want to parent well - be a good wife - and most of all be a good example of God's love and kindness.  But when I am thinking and feeling all these other things I don't think I am being a good example of anything to anybody - and the Lord KNOWS I cannot stand to be fake.
So, my natural instinct is to withdraw into myself - I am not succeeding at what is in front to me - so let's stop doing all this and just stay home - kind of withdrawal.  OR I think - oh! I need another Bible study - cause if I know more and learn more then surely I will be different and be able to do more and do better next time - right?
OR - I fantasize about being that "perfect" size with that "perfect home" (not a different house - just one that is COMPLETELY organized and clean and freshly painted), or about "being home" and taking care of my kids, the house, the groceries the everything - and then I get somewhat jealous and then comes the self recrimination for being ungrateful for ALL I have been blessed with and so on and so on....
Anybody else?