The Answer

So for the past five days or so I have REALLY been struggling with how to move on from here. The really scary part for me is not knowing for sure that my husband will move forward with me. He says he will, says he wants to, but I have heard all of that before and am EXTREMELY wary of believing it again. I admit some of that is my pride talking. I am tired of looking dumb (stupid, foolish - you fill in the word).
This has made me so much more aware of how little tolerance I have for weakness. Not from me or anyone else. I think I am even passing that down to my kids. Actually I have more tolerance for those outside my family - but feel that those in my family usually need to "buck up" so to speak. Life is hard. Get used to it. No time for self pity. Hmmm, well - I am not so sure this is the best approach. Does God do that to me? Sometimes I think so. He warns us that there WILL BE hard times. But He also tells us He will always be there with us, helping us through - so keep going (is what I hear on the end). I don't know. Maybe I need to better understand His rest, etc - not just His love and grace (which I am still trying to wrap my little peon brain around).
So, I have been reading books dealing with this issue. Reading, praying, looking for what I should do - how do I move forward in a healthy way - what does that look like? I went to another meeting last night - I was very thankful for what I heard and the validation I received without anyone even saying a word - just through listening to others. Then, I also received reminders that my thinking has been altered through my recent experiences, and my thinking wasn't even that great to begin with. I HAVE to let God handle my now and my future. No amount of planning, preparing, and wishing can fully make things happen or not happen as the case may be. I have to surrender.
I have to surrender this situation and most importantly MY WILL. My will is that my family stay in tact, my kids grow up in love with Jesus - with a heart for others, for my husband to completely be free of this 'demon', and that our finances not be negatively affected.
Now, God does promise in Jeremiah 29:11 that He has plans to prosper us, not to harm us - to give us hope and a future. My plans - while they may sound good and "on track" may not be His plans for me. I have to back off - stop fighting and stop planning and stop trying to control each situation for the outcome I feel is right - and give it ALL to God. ALL!!
I also have to show love to my husband even when I don't feel like it. When I feel he needs to suffer as I feel I have, or when I feel he needs to not be touched because I am angry inside - or I just don't need to say anything because silence will "get him". Really, I only hurt me.
So, today God said to me, "Now it is time to forgive him and comfort him. Otherwise he may become so discouraged that he won't be able to recover. Now show him that you still love him." 2 Corinthians 2:7-8
There is NOTHING else I needed to hear. Thank you, God.