I have taken 16 pretty hard. New age, new level of freedom and responsibility- that much closer to leaving for college (because no doubt in my mind she will SOAR at anything God directs her to), and then there is the driving.
Ugh.
Driving is bittersweet. I cried for about three days before her birthday. Crazy? Well, that's already been established from my earlier posts :)
I mourned this child's birthday almost like I mourned my grandfather's cancer diagnosis.
My first born. My first to walk and talk. My first to learn to set boundaries for. My first to learn to move over and consider someone else's needs(more difficult than I thought). My first to cry over as she cried in her crib for the first time. My first to teach about Jesus and His love, mercy, and grace. My first to see accomplish so much more than I even thought of at her age.
My first to now drive, to date, to have her own checking account and all that comes with that.
My heart.
I just want to keep her close, not have to watch her struggle with the balance of life and fun and responsibility. I feel my heart pound at all that 'could' happen to her- while driving, while working, while off at college...
It's almost like when she started walking and saying 'no' and testing her independence in her tiny world 15 years ago.
I see God's plan here - not only for me as mom, but also for her as child. The waking nights from the squished bladder prepares you for getting up in the night with an infant. The walking for allowing falls and as a mom learning how to handle what 'could' happen in this great big bad world to this special sweet girl.
Well... I see how it all parallels and prepares.
Just like crying in her crib for the first time I have to allow her to decide and do things that are hard on her own. Just like her walking, I have to release her to drive. Just like putting her on the school bus I have to allow her to prepare to leave and explore her world away from me. I see now eight hours that first time was NOTHING compared to the thought of weeks of not seeing her as she leaves for college.
But, if my focus remains on the 'what-ifs' and the 'might happens' in life, I will squish her joy of all there is to explore and grow into - pain included- in her life. By the grace of God, only, I believe that although mistakes have been made in parenting at times- her dad and I have done well by her.
She is trustworthy, reliable, beautiful inside and out, smart as all get out, and funny to boot. She knows that nothing is more important than God - and while her path will be different than mine I know she will go exactly where she is supposed to because of WHO'S she is - not 'who' she is.
She is such a wonderful daughter - and God has so blessed me with another close behind her - just as wonderful and different as my first.
So though my heart breaks for all I stand to lose from her spreading her wings, my heart swells for all she has in front of her!!
God states in Jeremiah 29:11(my second favorite verse), 'for I know the plans I have for you, declares The Lord; plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.'
Here she goes-into that future HE holds for her.
Blessings my sweet, sweet girl!
Love, Mom
