God's Direction

** this post was originally written in 2011_ just never published - mainly because putting my dreams out there might be a little daunting. Oh well.**

God's Direction is an interesting verb. 

I have given much thought and devoted much prayer and many prayer requests to what God's direction is for me, my family, and my life.
Just when I think I know, something else comes up.
I should be an EXPERT in being content in all situations, but evidently I am missing a few classes and am repeating the course often.HAHAHAHA!!
Personally I don't always find it amusing, but today it is - I learned recently that Paul had his conversion experience 20 YEARS prior to being able to claim contentment in "all" situations.
This gives me such HOPE for myself! WoooHooo!
I have recently been in a season - and in some ways I think I still am - of God just having me learn to be still.  To be still and draw near.  Interesting that I know the EXACT date I was given the verse Matthew 6:33 - July 9, 2011.  This time of learning has been VERY good and also painful in ways. 
I am ecstatic to report that God is AMAZING.  All the time.  Never failing - always providing - patiently waiting.  Loving, Loving, Loving. 
So, as I am taking what I have learned and putting it into action - I am drawn back to something He laid on my heart months and months ago. 
To use fitness as a ministry.  Not just ZUMBA, but fitness in general.  To become further certified and pursue the dream of owning my own place for others to come.  Not just others for working out - but to lead their classes, lead their parties, lead their group.  I don't know all that it will entail, but I do know Christ will be center.  I can't even fully put into words what is in my heart, but I know when the time is right and the season (so to speak ) is right that everything will come together. I am so excited! 

I've got a BIG MOUTH and I am not afraid to use it!

This weekend I was so honored to be able to spend great time with friends and family at my home church's final homecoming.  I realized - once again - not only how much we all put on faces for one another - sometimes out of self protection - and most always out of necessity - I mean - my word! - "what if?" You know what I mean, "what if they knew the truth of what is really going on? would they care or just talk? would they really pray? would they take a small joy in my pain?" That is what the devil wants us all to believe - that way we do not band together in prayer for one another.

This, to me, is a combination of pride - which is sinful and brings destruction according to His word. It is also part fear.  Fear of speaking it, fear of fallout from people knowing our personal truths, etc.  But, I have come to believe that the verse that speaks of two being better than one and a strand of three not being easily broken is so 'en pointe'.  It is not just referring to our spouse or being married, but it is also referring to really standing beside our brother and sister in their pain - standing before God intervening for them and their situation.  Joining with them, not only in prayer, but in honesty.

Through out my entire - almost two years - of  "crisis" I had periods of withdrawing from everyone - times that I didn't dare want anyone to know what was really happening in my life.  Then I had periods where I knew if I didn't have friends that could stand with me then I would probably make stupid, emotional, mistakes in my decisions.  I had to come to identify what the enemy was accomplishing by me allowing pride and fear to be what my filter was.

This weekend I encountered some of my very best friends' from years ago in serious pain.  Some I could just see in the eyes of those that didn't want to disclose anything, but others that shared.  To say my heart is breaking for those I love is such an understatement.  There is absolutely no joy in suffering but I do know that there is joy when we focus on Jesus in our suffering.

For me probably the most difficult thing to come to terms with has been that people are going to suffer and I cannot intervene physically in most cases.  But my God is a God of healing and restoration!! I can definitely get down on my knees for each of them.  There is strength that builds in the waiting.  That time is perfect for growth - cracks are already there in our hearts, but then we get the turning of our heart's soil through the upheaval in life.  Then IF we are actively searching for answers from God, He allows seeds to be given and I believe "take root".  We just have to be careful that we spend good time allowing the right seeds to take root.  Too often our misery brings about emotions that want to control our situation - this is where I have personally benefited from fasting.  Fasting has allowed my "spirit man" to become stronger - and not just because I "abstain" from something during my period of fasting, but that I substitute that food or activity actively getting closer in my walk with Christ.  I change things during that time period.  I have come to see that putting God first brings life, but ignoring him or having him just 'on my list of to-do's' only brings heartache, pain, and sometimes even death to relationships or opportunities.  Does that make sense?

So this weekend I was given the opportunity to help with people's burdens and pain.  I believe my home church is a large reason for where I am today spiritually.  The people God placed in my life at that church helped build a solid foundation in Christ for me in my life.  I cannot begin to thank God enough for that or the people who volunteered their time and energy, food, and homes to those like me coming up in the church.

So, to my friends and family that are currently walking in the fire - please see that while I am not perfect, my family is not perfect, and I have NO IDEA what tomorrow holds - I do know that God is so very faithful to his word.  God knows the situation each of us is in when we are in it and what the outcome will be depending on the choices we each make.  USE the resources He has given.  People around us - true prayer warriors, His word, sermons, and music - and especially the wisdom of those that have walked before us in similar situations.  You will know how that person is doing - what kind of soil they are planted in - by the fruit they are producing.

What I failed to do this weekend was give Christ as much glory as I did ZUMBA and Body Pump.  Those that know me individually know that the outward changes in me are ONLY a reflection of what Christ has been doing inside.  So, for as many times as I was told, "you look great!" this weekend was such an opportunity to share Christs' life changing abilities - but I was afraid of coming across as too preachy, or a know-it-all, or prideful.  God has used ZUMBA and Body Pump to accomplish on the outside what he has been doing on the inside - He has also used this journey into exercise to reaffirm to me, his "slower learning child" what he is capable of and what with him I am capable of.

So, watch out Satan! I am a changed creation of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ - and I have a VERY LOUD MOUTH!  I will not miss the opportunity when asked again, "how did you do it?" to share EXACTLY how GOD has done it.

Romans 8:12-17

My Heart

Dear Jesus,
I am writing this to you tonight - not because you aren't already aware, but because I believe transparency with myself and you is necessary to move on. 
For months I have been letting a hurt to fester - actually one of many.  That has allowed me to focus only on the negative about this person for a while now.  It has been eating at me - my heart has literally been sick.  I have stopped spending time with those i love most - I find fault with little things so easily, and I have allowed myself to pity my situation.  After all  - no matter how much those around me think they understand - they really can't - I have believed this - not only about them, but you also. 
Jesus, please forgive me for my anger - please remove my bitterness.  Please open my heart and eyes to view those around me with your love - through your eyes and with your compassion.  Lord Jesus, please help me to allow myself to be loved by you.  Truly loved. 
I have thought I understood this at times- but today heard a message from our associate pastor that really started my heart opening.  Granted - the enemy has been also fighting mightily for me to remain angry  - and i have found more reasons - even today, despite my "resolve" not to. 
Jesus, I have known for a long long time that I cannot go further in my life or my marriage without your help.  Some days I am not sure I even want to.  I have the Love Dare - got through it pretty well the first time, along with countless other books to "help" me with my marriage.  Only to be hurt repeatedly.  This August I think inside I truly reached a place that "broke".  My heart broke, my desire to keep trying broke, my positive outlook on my situation broke and I feel broken inside.  I have tried prayer, talking with others, singing, exercising - but most days I don't even want to get out of bed.  I know you already know all of this - I guess I am just wondering when it will all "lift" so to speak.  Then today in the message I heard him talking about you being strapped to the pole, on your knees - most likely naked - or at least shirtless - being whipped repeatedly with the "cat of nine tails" for me.  You could have said, "Okay - enough" at like 27 like the pastor pointed out - you could have said, 'I think I have had enough' and quit.  I know that you have the power - the angels were waiting just for that exactly I believe.  But you didn't. 
Do you know how much I can identify with that?  I feel almost sick to my stomach likening what I am going through to what you endured, but thinking of the fact that you could have called it off but didn't  - makes me stop and think about my own desire to give up  - so very often.  On my marriage, on my everything.  Too often I hear myself asking, "what is the point?" What a weenie, huh?
And yet, once again I heard something today that I so desperately needed reminding of - not the, "you know God loves you", or "pray about it" or any of the other many well meaning things that have been said to me in meetings and by friends - those things are all true, but not what my heart needed.  Today what I heard was that God sees me through the blood of Christ - the ULTIMATE rose colored glasses so to speak.
He sees the potential in me when I struggle to see anything. 
I have so been mired in this anger, justified pity, and bitterness toward my husband that I have let it effect almost every other interaction I have had in the last four months.
I have been in such a deep pit of despair - I have cried more tears than I know what to do with - I have pressed on - praying and hoping - needing some sort of "sign".
I was almost convinced that I didn't deserve a sign- or anything else- since I couldn't "shake this off" and "let go and let God".  This sounds so simple and yet this has been the absolute most difficult thing i have done in my life to date.
I have been steeped in fear - I have been ashamed of this and this has kept me down and held back.  I have NOT been trusting God.  I have not trusted his promises to me - although I repeat the verses like a mantra - I have only allowed the meaning to scratch the surface.  Jesus, reading about what Paul said in Corinthians, Galatians and Ephesians tonight sealed it all for me.  Nothing is an accident.  Your word is my "sign".  You have asked me to trust you - you suffered for me, bled for me, died for me and only wanted my love and devotion in return - but here i have been thinking only of myself - poor, pitiful me - how hard things have been, what if it all happens again?, what if I lose everything this time?, what if.....
You have been standing here the whole time - sometimes riding along side me in this battle - going ahead - fighting for me - sometimes carrying me - but never once have you left me - I just stopped looking for you - so caught up in myself I have been.
Please, Lord, forgive me.  Help me TRULY understand and sit with how much you love me.  Help me to see my potential through you - and if I can't - help me to never give up my faith in you and your Word.  Finally, Jesus, please help me to see my husband as you do - the good that you see - the potential for us.  I want a miracle this Christmas.
Love,
Me

It Begins in the Small Moments

So many "defining" moments in my life are begun in small, seemingly insignificant choices made daily - by myself or by those around me.  Whether it is that I decide to plan ahead for what I will eat or wear the next day - right down to how I might choose to respond in certain situations should they arise. 
Now, just because I 'decide' these things doesn't necessarily mean they will come to pass.  I will say, though, that it is much better to decide ahead of time for me than to get to that moment and make a "rash" decision.  I usually overextend myself, or over react, or over eat, or am late if I wait til the moment something happens to decide something or how I will respond to something.  Unfortunately I also still have to learn that just because I decide on something - like "how it should go" - and it doesn't go that way- doesn't mean my world is falling apart and doesn't call for a deep, dark 'bout of depression served up on the side.
I KNOW in my heart of hearts that Jesus loves me.  He cares for me (1Peter 5:7) and would even give His life for me (He already did just to prove it!).  So, why do I get all twisted up when plans go awry or things and people get "off track"?  Why must I have these control issues?
I know God has a plan (Jeremiah 29:11)- He teaches me something new from each situation I find myself in(Romans 8:28).  Sometimes those situations are of my own making through my own choices - however good or bad they might have been at the time.  Sometimes I find myself at the mercy of other's choices.  This makes me even more sensitive to my children.  Sometimes that is good - sometimes they can use that to their advantage. LOL!!
Over these past two months I have run the gamut of emotions once again - hurt, anger, love, annoyance, contentment, peace, joy, hope, despair, and despondence.  What I have noticed is that as uncomfortable as I have been with SO MANY of the good and not so good emotions listed here, I have been learning so much about me.  What I want, what I need, what I desire, what I long for.  I have been asking God to show me His will for my life, my children, and my marriage.  That will all come in time.  I take things one day at a time - messing up more often than I should probably in the "need to know" what the future holds, but that doesn't mean He tells me - and guess what!? I have been just fine - a little neurotic at times - but okay thanks to His word, good preaching, and great friends to support me in prayer and words.
I cannot tell you how much this time of growing and learning has hurt almost physically at times, but definitely emotionally.  I have once again been stretched to the point I thought I would break completely only to be released into the arms of my Savior - and all because of a decision I made - in a moment so "small" so long ago - and yet has been so life altering.
So, your choices determine your life - choose well - I am glad I chose Christ.  He has been the best choice I could have ever made for this crazy ride called LIFE.

Believing is Seeing

How often have we heard "seeing is believing"?  When in reality that is not how it was intended.  At least I don't believe that is how it was intended.  I have come to think that believing is seeing.  Do you ever go through times in your life that you find yourself looking around thinking, "WHAT?!?" How on earth did I end up here, like this, in this spot?  It could be things like financial problems, weight problems, vocational problems, relational problems - or this could even be representative of positives in our lives - like financial gains, weight loss, vocational achievement, or relational achievement.  I just know that right now I am seeming to constantly exist in a state of "WHAT?!?" 
Thing one:  My weight loss efforts.  I have documented what I have been going through to some degree and I have shared the flabbergasting (at least to this former eternally fat girl) success I have had.  I have gotten on and off the scales so many times not believing what I am reading it isn't funny.  People commented on "how good" I was looking waaaaaaay before I was able to see it.  At some point I just began to accept what the numbers on the scales and tape measure said.  Then slowly I really began to believe people - but even with all of that I still wasn't able to "see" me - not this improving me anyway - not yet - despite two pant sizes smaller!!!! Now I am so thrilled to report I find myself stopping and sort of smiling when I look in the mirror.  And -brace yourself - even when I am disrobed about to enter the shower!! How funny is that?  I am not by any stretch of the imagination "little" by the world's standards - or even the scale's standards, but I personally know how much I have sweated and worked for those new smaller hips and firmer arms and can't help but smile at that.
Thing two:  My marriage.  Unfortunately I am severely under attack in this area - It has been very difficult and awful in the last 3-4 weeks.  I knew something was up, but I really thought it was because our kids were back home and we were adjusting to that.  Not so. He has relapsed.  Again, has hidden it well.  When I figured it out - I was livid.  He told me I was an 'idiot' and 'didn't know what I was talking about'.  The following weeks have been on and off.  We can be okay - then I end up asking, "Are you going to a meeting, did you talk to your sponsor, have you had a drink, are you wanting a drink, when was your last drink...." you get the idea.  It was enough to drive us both insane.  He would get angry when there was something to hide most times - he has been lying through his teeth to me - and he continues to remind me that I "don't do enough, don't have balance, only delegate, don't spend enough quality time with the kids", etc.  I seriously began to believe all the negative things he was saying to me.  It didn't matter that I know he is drinking and the alcohol has him deluded.  In my mind he is saying what he hasn't been able to say otherwise.  And our dysfunctional song takes on another verse - so similar to all the others.
I have been really praying about what he has been saying to me - trying - despite my almost consuming hurt and anger - to dig deep and really see if there is any truth to what he is saying.  Some areas that he was probably right about was the delegating - I am known to do that in order to get things done more quickly - and to have the kids help out.  The other area is general everyday "housework". Like grocery shopping (I so despise it I can't even describe to you), laundry, and cooking.  I don't mind laundry, but he doesn't like that I have two set days that I plan to do laundry on.  The cooking issue has always been there - let's just say I am not Susie Homemaker when it comes to the kitchen. 
So, I made adjustments.  It didn't help.  He didn't even acknowledge it.  He ended up finding something else to gripe about - this time it was I didn't think enough of my children to take time to help them with their homework.  Well, that really flew all over me. But, trying to be the "good wife" I made adjustments - to what he wanted - despite openly saying I didn't agree that any thing was wrong with having our youngest read out loud to our oldest - that is how I grew up. Doesn't matter. He was adamant.
Through all this I have begged God to help me with my anger toward my husband, and God has.  I have begged God to help me live with the hurt inflicted - and He is.  I have begged God to protect my children emotionally, physically, and financially - as well as myself, through all of this.  Really, God always has - we have never been hurt, threatened, or without. 
I had an epiphany at work a few days before I began this post.  I was washing my hands in the bathroom - and yes - there was the mirror.  I all of a sudden felt as much as heard God say, "Reeda, everything he has been saying is a lie.  You need to reject these lies.  They do not define you or describe you.  I define you, and I have already described you.  I have even given you people to say it to you.  When will you believe me over these lies?"  It was as though a HUGE weight had been lifted.  If I could only fully describe to you what freedom that gave me. 
I had already sent out my "prayer plea" to friends and family that pray for us.  I really didn't want to bother anyone, but I also knew that I could not just stay to myself on this attack either.  I needed support.  Boy howdy!! God is so very good!! Not only did I get the prayer support and emails and facebook messages, but there was further freedom in "coming clean" so to speak. 
Satan wants me to feel shame and to be alone, but thankfully I am far enough in my walk that I recognized the signs for what they were.  I received strength in just reaching out.  In being true with those around me without further shaming my husband.  Was it comfortable?  NO.  But, the freedom that came with the reach was worth the discomfort. 
Later, when it was time to stand strong in support of my marriage and my husband - to band together against the lies that he was believing - I could stand before him with a definite knowledge that if he, my husband, was willing to surrender - to reject the lies of the enemy and move forward - then true healing and restoration could begin.
I am thrilled to say God has been at work in my husband and that is where my husband is right now - healing and allowing God to restore. 
I am allowing God to work the same in me and my life - taking things slowly - but so very thankful and so very hopeful - again.
I have been told that you will know where the tree is planted by what kind of fruit it bears - rotten fruit or good fruit - I am believing in God and his plan for my family until I see it come to pass in our lives.