So many "defining" moments in my life are begun in small, seemingly insignificant choices made daily - by myself or by those around me. Whether it is that I decide to plan ahead for what I will eat or wear the next day - right down to how I might choose to respond in certain situations should they arise.
Now, just because I 'decide' these things doesn't necessarily mean they will come to pass. I will say, though, that it is much better to decide ahead of time for me than to get to that moment and make a "rash" decision. I usually overextend myself, or over react, or over eat, or am late if I wait til the moment something happens to decide something or how I will respond to something. Unfortunately I also still have to learn that just because I decide on something - like "how it should go" - and it doesn't go that way- doesn't mean my world is falling apart and doesn't call for a deep, dark 'bout of depression served up on the side.
I KNOW in my heart of hearts that Jesus loves me. He cares for me (1Peter 5:7) and would even give His life for me (He already did just to prove it!). So, why do I get all twisted up when plans go awry or things and people get "off track"? Why must I have these control issues?
I know God has a plan (Jeremiah 29:11)- He teaches me something new from each situation I find myself in(Romans 8:28). Sometimes those situations are of my own making through my own choices - however good or bad they might have been at the time. Sometimes I find myself at the mercy of other's choices. This makes me even more sensitive to my children. Sometimes that is good - sometimes they can use that to their advantage. LOL!!
Over these past two months I have run the gamut of emotions once again - hurt, anger, love, annoyance, contentment, peace, joy, hope, despair, and despondence. What I have noticed is that as uncomfortable as I have been with SO MANY of the good and not so good emotions listed here, I have been learning so much about me. What I want, what I need, what I desire, what I long for. I have been asking God to show me His will for my life, my children, and my marriage. That will all come in time. I take things one day at a time - messing up more often than I should probably in the "need to know" what the future holds, but that doesn't mean He tells me - and guess what!? I have been just fine - a little neurotic at times - but okay thanks to His word, good preaching, and great friends to support me in prayer and words.
I cannot tell you how much this time of growing and learning has hurt almost physically at times, but definitely emotionally. I have once again been stretched to the point I thought I would break completely only to be released into the arms of my Savior - and all because of a decision I made - in a moment so "small" so long ago - and yet has been so life altering.
So, your choices determine your life - choose well - I am glad I chose Christ. He has been the best choice I could have ever made for this crazy ride called LIFE.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Believing is Seeing
How often have we heard "seeing is believing"? When in reality that is not how it was intended. At least I don't believe that is how it was intended. I have come to think that believing is seeing. Do you ever go through times in your life that you find yourself looking around thinking, "WHAT?!?" How on earth did I end up here, like this, in this spot? It could be things like financial problems, weight problems, vocational problems, relational problems - or this could even be representative of positives in our lives - like financial gains, weight loss, vocational achievement, or relational achievement. I just know that right now I am seeming to constantly exist in a state of "WHAT?!?"
Thing one: My weight loss efforts. I have documented what I have been going through to some degree and I have shared the flabbergasting (at least to this former eternally fat girl) success I have had. I have gotten on and off the scales so many times not believing what I am reading it isn't funny. People commented on "how good" I was looking waaaaaaay before I was able to see it. At some point I just began to accept what the numbers on the scales and tape measure said. Then slowly I really began to believe people - but even with all of that I still wasn't able to "see" me - not this improving me anyway - not yet - despite two pant sizes smaller!!!! Now I am so thrilled to report I find myself stopping and sort of smiling when I look in the mirror. And -brace yourself - even when I am disrobed about to enter the shower!! How funny is that? I am not by any stretch of the imagination "little" by the world's standards - or even the scale's standards, but I personally know how much I have sweated and worked for those new smaller hips and firmer arms and can't help but smile at that.
Thing two: My marriage. Unfortunately I am severely under attack in this area - It has been very difficult and awful in the last 3-4 weeks. I knew something was up, but I really thought it was because our kids were back home and we were adjusting to that. Not so. He has relapsed. Again, has hidden it well. When I figured it out - I was livid. He told me I was an 'idiot' and 'didn't know what I was talking about'. The following weeks have been on and off. We can be okay - then I end up asking, "Are you going to a meeting, did you talk to your sponsor, have you had a drink, are you wanting a drink, when was your last drink...." you get the idea. It was enough to drive us both insane. He would get angry when there was something to hide most times - he has been lying through his teeth to me - and he continues to remind me that I "don't do enough, don't have balance, only delegate, don't spend enough quality time with the kids", etc. I seriously began to believe all the negative things he was saying to me. It didn't matter that I know he is drinking and the alcohol has him deluded. In my mind he is saying what he hasn't been able to say otherwise. And our dysfunctional song takes on another verse - so similar to all the others.
I have been really praying about what he has been saying to me - trying - despite my almost consuming hurt and anger - to dig deep and really see if there is any truth to what he is saying. Some areas that he was probably right about was the delegating - I am known to do that in order to get things done more quickly - and to have the kids help out. The other area is general everyday "housework". Like grocery shopping (I so despise it I can't even describe to you), laundry, and cooking. I don't mind laundry, but he doesn't like that I have two set days that I plan to do laundry on. The cooking issue has always been there - let's just say I am not Susie Homemaker when it comes to the kitchen.
So, I made adjustments. It didn't help. He didn't even acknowledge it. He ended up finding something else to gripe about - this time it was I didn't think enough of my children to take time to help them with their homework. Well, that really flew all over me. But, trying to be the "good wife" I made adjustments - to what he wanted - despite openly saying I didn't agree that any thing was wrong with having our youngest read out loud to our oldest - that is how I grew up. Doesn't matter. He was adamant.
Through all this I have begged God to help me with my anger toward my husband, and God has. I have begged God to help me live with the hurt inflicted - and He is. I have begged God to protect my children emotionally, physically, and financially - as well as myself, through all of this. Really, God always has - we have never been hurt, threatened, or without.
I had an epiphany at work a few days before I began this post. I was washing my hands in the bathroom - and yes - there was the mirror. I all of a sudden felt as much as heard God say, "Reeda, everything he has been saying is a lie. You need to reject these lies. They do not define you or describe you. I define you, and I have already described you. I have even given you people to say it to you. When will you believe me over these lies?" It was as though a HUGE weight had been lifted. If I could only fully describe to you what freedom that gave me.
I had already sent out my "prayer plea" to friends and family that pray for us. I really didn't want to bother anyone, but I also knew that I could not just stay to myself on this attack either. I needed support. Boy howdy!! God is so very good!! Not only did I get the prayer support and emails and facebook messages, but there was further freedom in "coming clean" so to speak.
Satan wants me to feel shame and to be alone, but thankfully I am far enough in my walk that I recognized the signs for what they were. I received strength in just reaching out. In being true with those around me without further shaming my husband. Was it comfortable? NO. But, the freedom that came with the reach was worth the discomfort.
Later, when it was time to stand strong in support of my marriage and my husband - to band together against the lies that he was believing - I could stand before him with a definite knowledge that if he, my husband, was willing to surrender - to reject the lies of the enemy and move forward - then true healing and restoration could begin.
I am thrilled to say God has been at work in my husband and that is where my husband is right now - healing and allowing God to restore.
I am allowing God to work the same in me and my life - taking things slowly - but so very thankful and so very hopeful - again.
I have been told that you will know where the tree is planted by what kind of fruit it bears - rotten fruit or good fruit - I am believing in God and his plan for my family until I see it come to pass in our lives.
Thing one: My weight loss efforts. I have documented what I have been going through to some degree and I have shared the flabbergasting (at least to this former eternally fat girl) success I have had. I have gotten on and off the scales so many times not believing what I am reading it isn't funny. People commented on "how good" I was looking waaaaaaay before I was able to see it. At some point I just began to accept what the numbers on the scales and tape measure said. Then slowly I really began to believe people - but even with all of that I still wasn't able to "see" me - not this improving me anyway - not yet - despite two pant sizes smaller!!!! Now I am so thrilled to report I find myself stopping and sort of smiling when I look in the mirror. And -brace yourself - even when I am disrobed about to enter the shower!! How funny is that? I am not by any stretch of the imagination "little" by the world's standards - or even the scale's standards, but I personally know how much I have sweated and worked for those new smaller hips and firmer arms and can't help but smile at that.
Thing two: My marriage. Unfortunately I am severely under attack in this area - It has been very difficult and awful in the last 3-4 weeks. I knew something was up, but I really thought it was because our kids were back home and we were adjusting to that. Not so. He has relapsed. Again, has hidden it well. When I figured it out - I was livid. He told me I was an 'idiot' and 'didn't know what I was talking about'. The following weeks have been on and off. We can be okay - then I end up asking, "Are you going to a meeting, did you talk to your sponsor, have you had a drink, are you wanting a drink, when was your last drink...." you get the idea. It was enough to drive us both insane. He would get angry when there was something to hide most times - he has been lying through his teeth to me - and he continues to remind me that I "don't do enough, don't have balance, only delegate, don't spend enough quality time with the kids", etc. I seriously began to believe all the negative things he was saying to me. It didn't matter that I know he is drinking and the alcohol has him deluded. In my mind he is saying what he hasn't been able to say otherwise. And our dysfunctional song takes on another verse - so similar to all the others.
I have been really praying about what he has been saying to me - trying - despite my almost consuming hurt and anger - to dig deep and really see if there is any truth to what he is saying. Some areas that he was probably right about was the delegating - I am known to do that in order to get things done more quickly - and to have the kids help out. The other area is general everyday "housework". Like grocery shopping (I so despise it I can't even describe to you), laundry, and cooking. I don't mind laundry, but he doesn't like that I have two set days that I plan to do laundry on. The cooking issue has always been there - let's just say I am not Susie Homemaker when it comes to the kitchen.
So, I made adjustments. It didn't help. He didn't even acknowledge it. He ended up finding something else to gripe about - this time it was I didn't think enough of my children to take time to help them with their homework. Well, that really flew all over me. But, trying to be the "good wife" I made adjustments - to what he wanted - despite openly saying I didn't agree that any thing was wrong with having our youngest read out loud to our oldest - that is how I grew up. Doesn't matter. He was adamant.
Through all this I have begged God to help me with my anger toward my husband, and God has. I have begged God to help me live with the hurt inflicted - and He is. I have begged God to protect my children emotionally, physically, and financially - as well as myself, through all of this. Really, God always has - we have never been hurt, threatened, or without.
I had an epiphany at work a few days before I began this post. I was washing my hands in the bathroom - and yes - there was the mirror. I all of a sudden felt as much as heard God say, "Reeda, everything he has been saying is a lie. You need to reject these lies. They do not define you or describe you. I define you, and I have already described you. I have even given you people to say it to you. When will you believe me over these lies?" It was as though a HUGE weight had been lifted. If I could only fully describe to you what freedom that gave me.
I had already sent out my "prayer plea" to friends and family that pray for us. I really didn't want to bother anyone, but I also knew that I could not just stay to myself on this attack either. I needed support. Boy howdy!! God is so very good!! Not only did I get the prayer support and emails and facebook messages, but there was further freedom in "coming clean" so to speak.
Satan wants me to feel shame and to be alone, but thankfully I am far enough in my walk that I recognized the signs for what they were. I received strength in just reaching out. In being true with those around me without further shaming my husband. Was it comfortable? NO. But, the freedom that came with the reach was worth the discomfort.
Later, when it was time to stand strong in support of my marriage and my husband - to band together against the lies that he was believing - I could stand before him with a definite knowledge that if he, my husband, was willing to surrender - to reject the lies of the enemy and move forward - then true healing and restoration could begin.
I am thrilled to say God has been at work in my husband and that is where my husband is right now - healing and allowing God to restore.
I am allowing God to work the same in me and my life - taking things slowly - but so very thankful and so very hopeful - again.
I have been told that you will know where the tree is planted by what kind of fruit it bears - rotten fruit or good fruit - I am believing in God and his plan for my family until I see it come to pass in our lives.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Changes Can Be Positive!!
One thing I am continuing to learn in my life is that changes can be good. As a child of divorce - and lots of chaos in my family life for many years growing up- change was not something I was fond of. I would say I loathed change that I was not in charge of. I remember one time coming home from camp and my mom and grandparents had completely "cleaned" my room. By this I mean ALL stuffed animals, papers, nicknack's, etc were gone. My head probably did a 360 on my body I was so angry. Until that day I don't think anyone - especially my mom and grandparents - had ever seen me that angry. I was uncontrollable and inconsolable. Nothing could be done - it was all gone. I felt very powerless.
There have been other moments in my life that have been similar - times that I have had no control over people and situations and have really not handled it well - or just tried to avoid it all together. Neither is healthy. I am happy to report I do understand a parent's need to "clean" a room when a child is gone, but I warn my kids before I do and let them "salvage" what they consider really significant to them - within reason. That is not to say that I have not messed up too and gotten rid of things that were important to them without me really understanding, but I am trying. Also, I now know that while changes are not always comfortable - my attitude makes a HUGE difference. So, I try and focus on the positive in whatever is happening. This can be annoying at times - and at others, even I don't believe me - but I keep on until I do.
So - with this newest change occurring inside and out I am happy to report that while the process has been extremely painful at times - it is proving to be worth it. Whether I am talking about parenting, or salvaging my marriage, or working on me. I have been stretched more, strengthened more and grown more through these past 16 months than I have in a looooong time. ESPECIALLY in my relationship with Christ. This is a happy day. Not only do I have a freedom inside that I didn't have a year and a half ago, but I have a strength - based in the knowledge of who God is - that is like nothing I have ever had before.
I am even beginning to LOOK different. What is really funny to me personally is when I sit my hands on my hips I can actually tell my hips are smaller! It really makes me grin to myself. I look silly, but I do it.
I have a plan. A plan for my family, myself, and this upcoming semester for small groups at church. Unfortunately it won't be the one starting in September, but prayerfully the one beginning in January.
I pray all is fabulous with you and yours - Keep on Keepin' On!!!
As a side note - My husband and I did my measurements on the 15th - just a few days ago - again - I have had amazing (for me) results: 10 inches total, gone from my body in the last month -- that is including neck, chest, biceps, hips, thighs, calves, and waist. So a grand total of 26 inches in about 9 weeks - or 9 1/2 weeks. My weight loss is 17.8 pounds so far.
I do tend to just get off the scale and right back on - or go to various scales in my office and home to see if what I see is true - and it is. I am just so in shock. I am wearing the jeans I told you about last entry. Still love them. I am thankful for all that has been taken away from me - literally - and give God complete and total glory. Without His strength and promises and mercy I would not still be on this road.
In His Love.
There have been other moments in my life that have been similar - times that I have had no control over people and situations and have really not handled it well - or just tried to avoid it all together. Neither is healthy. I am happy to report I do understand a parent's need to "clean" a room when a child is gone, but I warn my kids before I do and let them "salvage" what they consider really significant to them - within reason. That is not to say that I have not messed up too and gotten rid of things that were important to them without me really understanding, but I am trying. Also, I now know that while changes are not always comfortable - my attitude makes a HUGE difference. So, I try and focus on the positive in whatever is happening. This can be annoying at times - and at others, even I don't believe me - but I keep on until I do.
So - with this newest change occurring inside and out I am happy to report that while the process has been extremely painful at times - it is proving to be worth it. Whether I am talking about parenting, or salvaging my marriage, or working on me. I have been stretched more, strengthened more and grown more through these past 16 months than I have in a looooong time. ESPECIALLY in my relationship with Christ. This is a happy day. Not only do I have a freedom inside that I didn't have a year and a half ago, but I have a strength - based in the knowledge of who God is - that is like nothing I have ever had before.
I am even beginning to LOOK different. What is really funny to me personally is when I sit my hands on my hips I can actually tell my hips are smaller! It really makes me grin to myself. I look silly, but I do it.
I have a plan. A plan for my family, myself, and this upcoming semester for small groups at church. Unfortunately it won't be the one starting in September, but prayerfully the one beginning in January.
I pray all is fabulous with you and yours - Keep on Keepin' On!!!
As a side note - My husband and I did my measurements on the 15th - just a few days ago - again - I have had amazing (for me) results: 10 inches total, gone from my body in the last month -- that is including neck, chest, biceps, hips, thighs, calves, and waist. So a grand total of 26 inches in about 9 weeks - or 9 1/2 weeks. My weight loss is 17.8 pounds so far.
I do tend to just get off the scale and right back on - or go to various scales in my office and home to see if what I see is true - and it is. I am just so in shock. I am wearing the jeans I told you about last entry. Still love them. I am thankful for all that has been taken away from me - literally - and give God complete and total glory. Without His strength and promises and mercy I would not still be on this road.
In His Love.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Regrouping...
Okay. I am closing in on nine weeks of this 'change of life' I have embarked on. I don't know that I have an "end date" in mind. I do, however, have an "end weight" in mind. I have lost 15.8 pounds. I sometimes laugh at me putting the decimal in there, but by George!! I have worked for that eight tenths of a pound and if the scale says it then I am counting it. I did my measurements by myself two times and then got my husband to check behind me on the 15th of last month. Why? Because I just couldn't believe what I was getting out of the tape measure!! Total - over my whole body - both biceps, both calves, both thighs, my waist, hips, neck, bust - I had lost a total of 16 inches! I am not sure who was more shocked...me or ME!!
WOOOHOOOO!!
I love my calorie counting, heart rate monitoring watch from Wally World. It acts to me much like a pedometer does to those motivated by how many steps they take each day. Since I have learned that the more frequently I update my heart rate then the more accurate my overall daily calorie count is of what I have burned then I can better see what I take in verses what I am burning. Would I LOVE to have a Body Bug? Yes. But can I really shell out that kind of money? No.
So, I have gone on a week long - multiple state - vacation. Took my workout stuff to do on the first part - Continued my Tae Bo since I haven't gotten the Zumba tapes. I also did some weight lifting. Just for fun I did my oooooolllllldddddd Leslie Sansome tape of "Walk Away the Pounds". All the kids did this all with me. We had a blast. Then one day we followed it up with a 45 min walk around the neighborhood.
If sweat were pounds I would have already met my goal this summer. Too bad.
After all that - and walking in D.C. and eating good every day - I literally took a step off the wagon by "treating" myself to a hand dipped ice cream cone at Nutters in Maryland. It was soooo good that I decided I "deserved" another. Then that night I ended up eating fried (yes, fried) Nutter Butter cookies - lost count after five, then some spicy pretzels, and on the way home from that trip an apple fritter from Dunkin' Donuts (wanting one even as we speak).
Then came our unexpected trip to the beach. I played hard and "rewarded" myself. I had Ben and Jerry's - two pints in two days - also french fries, ate bread, chips, etc. All this time I sat there telling myself - I will "get back on the wagon"- let me also not forget the double stuf oreos.
Getting on the proverbial wagon has not been so easy. Getting up to exercise has not been as easy - carving out time for myself is not seeming as important- and eating wrong can always be justified. In turn I have become impatient with myself and those around me - out of balance so to speak. I have realized this last week that I had let my time with Jesus lapse- have been spending too much time worrying about food and exercise. Out or order. So, yesterday was a time of confession for me - humbling to say the least. About my attitude, my actions, and lack of time being spent in His presence. It is more and more telling for me - as my issue with food rears its head - and my "old ways" of thinking and doing take back over - it is like I almost push away from God. Of course then I fall - get a big "owie" and come running back to Abba Father. I am so thankful He picks me up every time.
Despite my personal set backs - He has been faithful. I have continued with the exercises - I have counted on what God has promised in His word. "I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me", "I have courage in God's presence, because I am sure that he hears me if I ask him for anything that is according to his will- 1 John 5:14(GNT)" "I ARISE! I Shine, for my light has come and the glory of the Lord has risen upon me! Isaiah 60:1" "I humble myself under the mighty hand of God, that He might exalt me in due time... casting all my cares upon Him, for He cares for me. 1 Peter 5:6,7"
So - this weekend I went shopping for back to school clothes with my girls and a friend of ours - Lucy. My girls are 7th grade and 6th grade so our sizes are vastly different. Although my seventh grader's foot is quickly catching up to mine! The stores they wanted to go in were like Buckle, American Eagle, Old Navy, etc. Buckle is too expensive so we compromised with Plato's closet. American Eagle was our second stop - our first - yes - our first was Great American Cookie Company. Can I tell you how long it has been since I have been in there? Anyway - we go in AE and get my daughter some jeans to try to figure out her size - she ends up being a four. Now - hefty girl that I have been - I have hovered back and forth between a 20 and an 18 for the past year. Sometimes - depending on the cut and the day I could squeeze my rear into a 16, but that was oh so rare. Tops are an XL or XXL or 14/16 - again - depending on the store. After this weekend I have determined that either some very unhappy women came up with the sizing for clothes or men did just to see women be driven batty. At Wal-Mart or Target I have to go up a size. At Ann Taylor Loft I could wear a smaller size. At Lane Bryant I could wear a smaller size and at Chico's I could - Cold Water Creek was a toss up - depends on the kind of material. Old Navy runs a little big on me in the tops - they are cut very generously. I love that. Good PR on their part I must add.
So - I was easily talked into trying on a pair of jeans at AE - the boyfriend style - now keep in mind - I have a butt - and low rise on me is not a good combo in a normal situation - now I am adding in a smaller size. So- I was VERY self conscious. Also, please note, I have ALWAYS worn stuff a little bigger than necessary. That comes from the trauma of having large breasts and not knowing how to handle them. So - I put on the jeans - they button and zip and I cannot believe it. Thing is they BARELY cover my butt crack! Literally. One time of sitting down and everyone would know the color of my granny panties. NOPE!!
So - later on we go to Old Navy after some other stores - I am easily - again - persuaded into trying on a pair of jeans - only this time I go back up a size. They have different kinds - DIVA, DREAMER, STELLA, etc. I got a pair of each kind in a 16 and a 14. OH MY GOODNESS!!! $19 and the DREAMER (perfect name for me!) style was PERFECT on me!! Not just perfect - but perfect in length, waist, fit, and number - a 14!! For those of you that are a size 8 naturally you are sitting there going, "I don't get it". Trust me - this is a big deal - I tried really hard for it not to be - but it really is - sort of an outward confirmation of what I thought was happening - what people SAID was happening - but I was having trouble really seeing.
So, my new best friends - even in 100 degree heat - are the size 14 DREAMER jeans from Old Navy. I LOVE THEM!! I have not been in a 14 since before the kids were born. Yep. You heard me - NOT SINCE B.C. - That has been almost 14 years counting pregnancy time.
I have to admit - I feel a bit delusional at times. I look in the mirror on days and can tell my hips are smaller and I have finally started developing biceps. Other days I see the fat girl I have always felt I have always been - or always will be. Then I stand up and pull back out my verses and I KNOW. I KNOW He hears me, He cares even about this - He wants this to be something that is part of my testimony - and I AM MORE THAN A CONQUEROR!!
So - take a little time today - and instead of "rewarding" yourself with cookies, ice cream, etc - go get that cool pair of running shoes, or new work out DVD or work out outfit you have been watching to go on sale. Not only will it benefit you - but when you are tired of it you can pass it on!
Blessings on this journey of life!
WOOOHOOOO!!
I love my calorie counting, heart rate monitoring watch from Wally World. It acts to me much like a pedometer does to those motivated by how many steps they take each day. Since I have learned that the more frequently I update my heart rate then the more accurate my overall daily calorie count is of what I have burned then I can better see what I take in verses what I am burning. Would I LOVE to have a Body Bug? Yes. But can I really shell out that kind of money? No.
So, I have gone on a week long - multiple state - vacation. Took my workout stuff to do on the first part - Continued my Tae Bo since I haven't gotten the Zumba tapes. I also did some weight lifting. Just for fun I did my oooooolllllldddddd Leslie Sansome tape of "Walk Away the Pounds". All the kids did this all with me. We had a blast. Then one day we followed it up with a 45 min walk around the neighborhood.
If sweat were pounds I would have already met my goal this summer. Too bad.
After all that - and walking in D.C. and eating good every day - I literally took a step off the wagon by "treating" myself to a hand dipped ice cream cone at Nutters in Maryland. It was soooo good that I decided I "deserved" another. Then that night I ended up eating fried (yes, fried) Nutter Butter cookies - lost count after five, then some spicy pretzels, and on the way home from that trip an apple fritter from Dunkin' Donuts (wanting one even as we speak).
Then came our unexpected trip to the beach. I played hard and "rewarded" myself. I had Ben and Jerry's - two pints in two days - also french fries, ate bread, chips, etc. All this time I sat there telling myself - I will "get back on the wagon"- let me also not forget the double stuf oreos.
Getting on the proverbial wagon has not been so easy. Getting up to exercise has not been as easy - carving out time for myself is not seeming as important- and eating wrong can always be justified. In turn I have become impatient with myself and those around me - out of balance so to speak. I have realized this last week that I had let my time with Jesus lapse- have been spending too much time worrying about food and exercise. Out or order. So, yesterday was a time of confession for me - humbling to say the least. About my attitude, my actions, and lack of time being spent in His presence. It is more and more telling for me - as my issue with food rears its head - and my "old ways" of thinking and doing take back over - it is like I almost push away from God. Of course then I fall - get a big "owie" and come running back to Abba Father. I am so thankful He picks me up every time.
Despite my personal set backs - He has been faithful. I have continued with the exercises - I have counted on what God has promised in His word. "I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me", "I have courage in God's presence, because I am sure that he hears me if I ask him for anything that is according to his will- 1 John 5:14(GNT)" "I ARISE! I Shine, for my light has come and the glory of the Lord has risen upon me! Isaiah 60:1" "I humble myself under the mighty hand of God, that He might exalt me in due time... casting all my cares upon Him, for He cares for me. 1 Peter 5:6,7"
So - this weekend I went shopping for back to school clothes with my girls and a friend of ours - Lucy. My girls are 7th grade and 6th grade so our sizes are vastly different. Although my seventh grader's foot is quickly catching up to mine! The stores they wanted to go in were like Buckle, American Eagle, Old Navy, etc. Buckle is too expensive so we compromised with Plato's closet. American Eagle was our second stop - our first - yes - our first was Great American Cookie Company. Can I tell you how long it has been since I have been in there? Anyway - we go in AE and get my daughter some jeans to try to figure out her size - she ends up being a four. Now - hefty girl that I have been - I have hovered back and forth between a 20 and an 18 for the past year. Sometimes - depending on the cut and the day I could squeeze my rear into a 16, but that was oh so rare. Tops are an XL or XXL or 14/16 - again - depending on the store. After this weekend I have determined that either some very unhappy women came up with the sizing for clothes or men did just to see women be driven batty. At Wal-Mart or Target I have to go up a size. At Ann Taylor Loft I could wear a smaller size. At Lane Bryant I could wear a smaller size and at Chico's I could - Cold Water Creek was a toss up - depends on the kind of material. Old Navy runs a little big on me in the tops - they are cut very generously. I love that. Good PR on their part I must add.
So - I was easily talked into trying on a pair of jeans at AE - the boyfriend style - now keep in mind - I have a butt - and low rise on me is not a good combo in a normal situation - now I am adding in a smaller size. So- I was VERY self conscious. Also, please note, I have ALWAYS worn stuff a little bigger than necessary. That comes from the trauma of having large breasts and not knowing how to handle them. So - I put on the jeans - they button and zip and I cannot believe it. Thing is they BARELY cover my butt crack! Literally. One time of sitting down and everyone would know the color of my granny panties. NOPE!!
So - later on we go to Old Navy after some other stores - I am easily - again - persuaded into trying on a pair of jeans - only this time I go back up a size. They have different kinds - DIVA, DREAMER, STELLA, etc. I got a pair of each kind in a 16 and a 14. OH MY GOODNESS!!! $19 and the DREAMER (perfect name for me!) style was PERFECT on me!! Not just perfect - but perfect in length, waist, fit, and number - a 14!! For those of you that are a size 8 naturally you are sitting there going, "I don't get it". Trust me - this is a big deal - I tried really hard for it not to be - but it really is - sort of an outward confirmation of what I thought was happening - what people SAID was happening - but I was having trouble really seeing.
So, my new best friends - even in 100 degree heat - are the size 14 DREAMER jeans from Old Navy. I LOVE THEM!! I have not been in a 14 since before the kids were born. Yep. You heard me - NOT SINCE B.C. - That has been almost 14 years counting pregnancy time.
I have to admit - I feel a bit delusional at times. I look in the mirror on days and can tell my hips are smaller and I have finally started developing biceps. Other days I see the fat girl I have always felt I have always been - or always will be. Then I stand up and pull back out my verses and I KNOW. I KNOW He hears me, He cares even about this - He wants this to be something that is part of my testimony - and I AM MORE THAN A CONQUEROR!!
So - take a little time today - and instead of "rewarding" yourself with cookies, ice cream, etc - go get that cool pair of running shoes, or new work out DVD or work out outfit you have been watching to go on sale. Not only will it benefit you - but when you are tired of it you can pass it on!
Blessings on this journey of life!
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Defining Moments
I know we all have moments in our life - no matter how big or small - that help "define"/"shape" us from that moment on. Tomorrow night, two weeks ago, I had another. Now, don't get me wrong - I have defining lengths of time - like this whole last year - but I also have these moments where something may either prick (hurt) or prod (inspire). Will I sit down and give up or push through this "moment" and keep going? Will I believe what I have read - and what I know from past experience- "I CAN do ALL things (not just the easy, comfortable things that fit into my schedule and finances) through Christ who gives me strength (notice - not MY strength - but some AWESOME reserve untapped until we cry out)" Philippians 4:13 - OR will I believe what the enemy is trying to convince me of? That I can't do it - that I have given up in the past so why trouble myself now?, that I am causing too much chaos with scheduling to carve out time for me?, that God is busy with other world concerns and doesn't much care if I exercise and eat right or if my husband relapses. Really? No - The Bible tells me that He DOES care for me!! (1 Peter 5:7) Not only that verse but right down to Luke where he speaks of how cares for the lilies - so why am I worried about anything?
I have no idea, but that seems to be the area the enemy knows to get me in. So, as I am walking through these defining moments I am coming out stronger - but ONLY because I am seeking God's will and his face in the midst of my pain and lack of understanding. Now, He is paralleling that for me in the transformation of my body. I am REALLY seeing the beginnings of a difference in my body. I even hesitate to write that because I feel like "something" will happen to try and sabotage or undo my progress. But I am claiming God's promise, 'Ask and you shall receive, seek and you will find, knock and the door will open." Because I am asking, seeking, and definitely knocking - knocking down the door to a new way of living - one without crutches - one in freedom - one that is full of the peace of knowing - no matter what!!! God is in FULL control and is fully capable. He not only cares about me - but ( and here's the revelation for this recovering control freak), HE ALSO CARES ABOUT MY HUSBAND AND CHILDREN, TOO!! So, I don't have to think I have to be so in charge - or "on top" of the issues in our home all the time!! WOW!! How absolutely freeing for me is that? I know that this probably comes so much more easily to others out there - but for me it has all been baby steps with major revelations thrown in along the way. I am so thankful for that, too.
But back to the transformation reference. I am seeing muscles take shape in my arms and legs. I am seeing that I am able to hold more weights on my bar or do a side plank for the WHOLE time she is counting. I am also seeing that I am able to do "boy push ups" - so what if it is only three of four at a time - that is better than none. I remind myself often. It is "progress, not perfection".
I can see these differences, my husband says he can see these differences, and a few close friends have commented on the differences they have noticed. I find myself doubting what I am hearing though. Why? Because I am also seeing the scale. I have been doing this five weeks and have lost (finally!!) 11.7 (yes - I am putting that .7 in there because I have struggled for that) pounds. I will do my measurements tomorrow to see what inches I have lost, but when I put my clothes on I can't tell a difference yet, except that I don't kill my waist bands anymore (come on ladies - you know what I mean, right? that roll fits in the pants standing up, but when you sit down it bends the waist band to where it has almost permanent creases. Actually, if you haven't experienced this, don't tell me- let me think every female has at some point). So - since I am not seeing "huge" changes and I look at myself daily, how is anyone else seeing anything significant yet?
Well, almost two weeks ago I went to Wendy's after working out with three friends (yes, we went after sweating for an hour and burning close to 1000 calories doing Zumba). We walked in to an almost empty restaurant except for four teens sitting close to the door and a family in the back. The teens got a look at us in our workout clothing and watched us look at the nutritional poster hanging up as we decided on our individual poisons - and they proceeded to snicker and laugh. Lucy and I looked at them and then at each other - we knew they were laughing at us - but at that point we didn't care - our other two friends were oblivious. So, we troop to the counter and make our sweaty, laughing, good time, choices - all the while the teens are continuing to observe and the 'ring leader' continues to snicker and make comments under his breath. I was first to order - cheeseburger deluxe (310 cal), Jr. fries (362 cals - but I split those), and a Jr. frosty (150 cals - and truly this is what I had looked forward to all week and why we were there). I took my food and proceeded past their table. 'Ring Leader' proceeded to oink as I walked past - about four times right in a row - unmistakable - and then they laughed. I kept walking. Was I shocked? Yes. Did I want to believe I didn't hear what I heard? Yes. But, I did. Everyone else was still getting their orders handled and I proceeded to mull this over - I had a mixture of incredulousness, hurt, irritation, and disbelief. As I looked at this group of kids I reflected on my youth - did I ever act like that towards people? Oh how I pray not!! I also began to think about the blond that was obviously "with" him. She was attractive, in shape, and smitten. I wanted to walk up to her and let her know that, although at 16 or 17 - what ever she is finding amusing will not be so amusing in a few years when his humor is directed at her. No telling what he is seeing at home. So the part that really surprised me is that although I am large I am not huge. I just really didn't see myself as someone to "oink" at. That is when I had this moment of doubt - maybe those two weeks I had been fooling myself - maybe I would always be the "fat girl" - maybe this working out wasn't really going to "take" and I would just "fail" again. Thankfully I remembered Proverbs 24:16, "though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises up again, but the wicked are brought down by calamity."
So, I could fall some more, and as long as I kept trying that is what counted. But, too, it has helped going back to the basics of knowing that no matter what I look like or what I weigh, God loves me just as I am. He sent his Son to die for me. Just like I was, "a beautiful mess". Through these "defining moments" choices are made inside my heart and soul before I even realize it to go back to what I know - and for me that is what God's word says. I hurt for those that don't know that and haven't experienced that yet. I pray for them. I know that God will use my struggles - as silly as they may seem to some - to help another on this path in life.
So, I am excited about that - and being healthier and able to move more to do it!!
May you all be blessed in all this weekend coming up holds for you - and smile, don't oink, at the next fat person you see.
Hebrews 13:2
I have no idea, but that seems to be the area the enemy knows to get me in. So, as I am walking through these defining moments I am coming out stronger - but ONLY because I am seeking God's will and his face in the midst of my pain and lack of understanding. Now, He is paralleling that for me in the transformation of my body. I am REALLY seeing the beginnings of a difference in my body. I even hesitate to write that because I feel like "something" will happen to try and sabotage or undo my progress. But I am claiming God's promise, 'Ask and you shall receive, seek and you will find, knock and the door will open." Because I am asking, seeking, and definitely knocking - knocking down the door to a new way of living - one without crutches - one in freedom - one that is full of the peace of knowing - no matter what!!! God is in FULL control and is fully capable. He not only cares about me - but ( and here's the revelation for this recovering control freak), HE ALSO CARES ABOUT MY HUSBAND AND CHILDREN, TOO!! So, I don't have to think I have to be so in charge - or "on top" of the issues in our home all the time!! WOW!! How absolutely freeing for me is that? I know that this probably comes so much more easily to others out there - but for me it has all been baby steps with major revelations thrown in along the way. I am so thankful for that, too.
But back to the transformation reference. I am seeing muscles take shape in my arms and legs. I am seeing that I am able to hold more weights on my bar or do a side plank for the WHOLE time she is counting. I am also seeing that I am able to do "boy push ups" - so what if it is only three of four at a time - that is better than none. I remind myself often. It is "progress, not perfection".
I can see these differences, my husband says he can see these differences, and a few close friends have commented on the differences they have noticed. I find myself doubting what I am hearing though. Why? Because I am also seeing the scale. I have been doing this five weeks and have lost (finally!!) 11.7 (yes - I am putting that .7 in there because I have struggled for that) pounds. I will do my measurements tomorrow to see what inches I have lost, but when I put my clothes on I can't tell a difference yet, except that I don't kill my waist bands anymore (come on ladies - you know what I mean, right? that roll fits in the pants standing up, but when you sit down it bends the waist band to where it has almost permanent creases. Actually, if you haven't experienced this, don't tell me- let me think every female has at some point). So - since I am not seeing "huge" changes and I look at myself daily, how is anyone else seeing anything significant yet?
Well, almost two weeks ago I went to Wendy's after working out with three friends (yes, we went after sweating for an hour and burning close to 1000 calories doing Zumba). We walked in to an almost empty restaurant except for four teens sitting close to the door and a family in the back. The teens got a look at us in our workout clothing and watched us look at the nutritional poster hanging up as we decided on our individual poisons - and they proceeded to snicker and laugh. Lucy and I looked at them and then at each other - we knew they were laughing at us - but at that point we didn't care - our other two friends were oblivious. So, we troop to the counter and make our sweaty, laughing, good time, choices - all the while the teens are continuing to observe and the 'ring leader' continues to snicker and make comments under his breath. I was first to order - cheeseburger deluxe (310 cal), Jr. fries (362 cals - but I split those), and a Jr. frosty (150 cals - and truly this is what I had looked forward to all week and why we were there). I took my food and proceeded past their table. 'Ring Leader' proceeded to oink as I walked past - about four times right in a row - unmistakable - and then they laughed. I kept walking. Was I shocked? Yes. Did I want to believe I didn't hear what I heard? Yes. But, I did. Everyone else was still getting their orders handled and I proceeded to mull this over - I had a mixture of incredulousness, hurt, irritation, and disbelief. As I looked at this group of kids I reflected on my youth - did I ever act like that towards people? Oh how I pray not!! I also began to think about the blond that was obviously "with" him. She was attractive, in shape, and smitten. I wanted to walk up to her and let her know that, although at 16 or 17 - what ever she is finding amusing will not be so amusing in a few years when his humor is directed at her. No telling what he is seeing at home. So the part that really surprised me is that although I am large I am not huge. I just really didn't see myself as someone to "oink" at. That is when I had this moment of doubt - maybe those two weeks I had been fooling myself - maybe I would always be the "fat girl" - maybe this working out wasn't really going to "take" and I would just "fail" again. Thankfully I remembered Proverbs 24:16, "though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises up again, but the wicked are brought down by calamity."
So, I could fall some more, and as long as I kept trying that is what counted. But, too, it has helped going back to the basics of knowing that no matter what I look like or what I weigh, God loves me just as I am. He sent his Son to die for me. Just like I was, "a beautiful mess". Through these "defining moments" choices are made inside my heart and soul before I even realize it to go back to what I know - and for me that is what God's word says. I hurt for those that don't know that and haven't experienced that yet. I pray for them. I know that God will use my struggles - as silly as they may seem to some - to help another on this path in life.
So, I am excited about that - and being healthier and able to move more to do it!!
May you all be blessed in all this weekend coming up holds for you - and smile, don't oink, at the next fat person you see.
Hebrews 13:2
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