It is so easy to say you believe in God and trust in God - until your faith is tested through trials and tribulations. Then the rubber meets the road so to speak.
This week has been a continuation of testing and chances for my faith and trust to be built in God. Not only that, but also I have been given the opportunity on numerous occasions to see how God has used things and people from my past to minister to my now. He consistently amazes me. Not only does he use past people and life experience to feed the now - He also uses those that I have come to know since being in this town to teach me, bless me, meet physical, spiritual, and emotional needs right when I have needed it. I will say God has allowed me to be uncomfortable enough to get my attention. This is not always enjoyable - actually - this has not been very enjoyable at all except when I DO pay attention in these times I completely see the hand of God. There is a quote I read in a devotion for those that are members of Al-Anon. "Once again I had to sit and feel the discomfort of letting go." How true this has been for me. I am sure some of you have felt the same over various circumstances in life. When we think we have a handle on things - or when we think we know the answer and how things should play out to be the best for everyone. Something happens, though, reminds you that control is an illusion, and things around us are not what or where our focus and hearts should be - but our hearts should be focused on God and His characteristics.......like consistency and steadfastness...provider....comforter....healer. The list is longer - but you get the idea.
Last night I was concerned about my oldest daughter. I call her "Boo". It is just a nickname - don't know why or from where - it has just always been. Anyway - as a mom you want your kids to have things they want within reason. Like a certain jacket or pair of jeans - or in this case - tennis shoes. But, realistically you know that if you spend that much on a pair of shoes then you have to go without something else - like internet for a month. Well, Boo has gotten to the point that I don't think she even tells me really what she most desires anymore because she figures we can't get it right now anyway. But see how God has provided...Buckle jeans (found some for less than a third of the price at a local consignment store)....Ugg boots (my sister had some she was willing for Boo to have - not the color Boo wanted, but even that turned out good. I had to talk her into trying them - because they were orange- and she really didn't want to - but did - then lo and behold! She came home and talked so long about how everyone looooved her boots, where did she get them, etc....I of course smiled)......Crocs (her sister bought the real ones for her).....and so on. So the most recent desire has been for Converse tennis shoes. She hasn't been harping on them like Moo has - but like I said - I think that is because she is feeling the financial pinch so to speak. A child came in our office the other day with some really cute hot pink fake converse on - she had gotten them at Dollar General. I left work a little early and decided to see if I could find Moo and Boo some at the DG. The first one didn't have any in Moo's size, but had ONE pair in Boo's - in bright blue - wasn't really even sure she wanted some - but got them. Then at the next DG there were none, but being a persistent mom, I began checking the packed boxes in the shoe section - found some pink and green camo ones for Moo and a pair of tan slide on shoes for Tate! WooHooo! So, that afternoon I was able to surprise them with it all. Moo was disappointed they weren't the color she wanted - but was happy enough and Tate was overjoyed (he really likes shoes), Boo - hard to read - I couldn't really tell if she liked them or not - she said she did, but her body language also said, "they are okay, whatever." So, I was disappointed - Moo's and Tate's were too big - Boo's fit great.
So, I was telling my friend that I really felt Boo said she liked them so as to not disappoint me. I didn't want that - I want Boo to say definitively what she does and does not like/want. I do not want her just trying to put herself second in order to please people or try and make them happy or go with the flow. Keep in mind I do know that compromise is essential to every good relationship, and that the ability to go with the flow is vital. I just want her to want things from her heart and not because she feels that will make people happy.
So - her heart is what I was concerned about - and that led to the whole, "I'm not sure I am being a good mom during this season in my family." My friend assured me that I am - she reminded me I am teaching them about God, what the Bible says, and they are watching love and mercy in action in our home. I needed to hear that - and God allowed her to say it to me.
Then, I got home and here is the note left on the bed by my 12 year old, 6th grade, Boo...
"Mom,
Hey, I just wanted to say I love you. I'm not really sure if this is correct I do this or not (yes, these are her words and exactly how she wrote it), but you always give us verses. So, here's one for you: Psalms 37:7. I love you a lot!.....P.S. I'm not saying dad is evil by this verse (and a smiley face here)" She drew a big heart with an arrow running through it and at the bottom of the page she wrote,’ do not be in troubles, rise above them!'
When did she grow up? I cried without even knowing what the verse said yet, because I knew that God was reassuring me that not only did he hear my concerns earlier, but he allowed me a glimpse of what he is doing - yet again - in my children - and using that to teach me.
Thank you, Jesus, for so richly blessing me and comforting me exactly when I need it every time!!!
"Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes." Psalm 37:7 (this morning she told me she meant to include verses 4-7, but still - what a treasure to see God working in my children - and to minister to me, once again, no less!)
Friday, February 26, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Yesterday
Too often I think of "yesterday". "Yesterday we had fun", "yesterday I didn't have grey hair", "yesterday I weighed less", and on and on. I read a C.S. Lewis quote the other day, "Has this world been so kind to you that you should leave with regret? There are better things ahead than any we leave behind."
I have heard of "seeing your life flash before your eyes" and things like that when something tragic, or almost tragic, happens. Yesterday, I experienced a near death experience. Well, as near as one can come before acutally being injured or killed anyway. I am traveling down a road in my town to get my oldest from play practice at school. There were two men jogging on the other side of the street. The street is winding but not too bad. All of a sudden they jump further off the road as a car comes careening around the bend - the car misses them (barely) and swerves - heading sideways in the curve and straight at me. At this point there is horrible screeching of tires and me just sitting there thinking, "this isn't really happening. I am going to die." No other thoughts - no life flash - who knows - maybe that was because it was not my time to go.
At the last second she corrects but has lost control - goes past me, hits the phone pole and goes straight into the ditch and hits the boulder. There is a loud pop as her windows shatter and her car crumples. The joggers and myself are in shock - but finally start moving - heading up the road - Then it hits me - they may be dead, I could have been dead - those men could have been dead - and then Amy Grant starts singing in my head - Angels Watching Over Me (after reading my other posts you know enough to know my brain is strange at times). Anyway - with Amy singing - I dial 911 and think of my kids - who would take care of them? Who would step up when my husband is not capable right now? My mom and sisters have too much of their own stuff - my brother has just started, really, his married life - no kids yet - and my dad wouldn't be able to either - I think my husband's daughter and her husband would step in - but would the court give them problems? there is no life insurance on me - I wonder if they can get social security? All while on hold with 911.
Finally, I get to find the girls in the car are not only alive - by the sheer grace of God Almighty!, but are completely uninjured! She is a teen, late for practice, and, "so sorry". I was not real sympathetic. She almost killed three people and upended so many many lives for being late.
Wow! what an eye opener for a chronic speeder like me.
I don't have to answer those questions today that came up yesterday, but I do know that my heart is praying even more for a breakthrough with my husband and his condition - that he would completely surrender and humble himself to the Lord. I don't want to have to think about the questions from yesterday.....at least not today.
I have heard of "seeing your life flash before your eyes" and things like that when something tragic, or almost tragic, happens. Yesterday, I experienced a near death experience. Well, as near as one can come before acutally being injured or killed anyway. I am traveling down a road in my town to get my oldest from play practice at school. There were two men jogging on the other side of the street. The street is winding but not too bad. All of a sudden they jump further off the road as a car comes careening around the bend - the car misses them (barely) and swerves - heading sideways in the curve and straight at me. At this point there is horrible screeching of tires and me just sitting there thinking, "this isn't really happening. I am going to die." No other thoughts - no life flash - who knows - maybe that was because it was not my time to go.
At the last second she corrects but has lost control - goes past me, hits the phone pole and goes straight into the ditch and hits the boulder. There is a loud pop as her windows shatter and her car crumples. The joggers and myself are in shock - but finally start moving - heading up the road - Then it hits me - they may be dead, I could have been dead - those men could have been dead - and then Amy Grant starts singing in my head - Angels Watching Over Me (after reading my other posts you know enough to know my brain is strange at times). Anyway - with Amy singing - I dial 911 and think of my kids - who would take care of them? Who would step up when my husband is not capable right now? My mom and sisters have too much of their own stuff - my brother has just started, really, his married life - no kids yet - and my dad wouldn't be able to either - I think my husband's daughter and her husband would step in - but would the court give them problems? there is no life insurance on me - I wonder if they can get social security? All while on hold with 911.
Finally, I get to find the girls in the car are not only alive - by the sheer grace of God Almighty!, but are completely uninjured! She is a teen, late for practice, and, "so sorry". I was not real sympathetic. She almost killed three people and upended so many many lives for being late.
Wow! what an eye opener for a chronic speeder like me.
I don't have to answer those questions today that came up yesterday, but I do know that my heart is praying even more for a breakthrough with my husband and his condition - that he would completely surrender and humble himself to the Lord. I don't want to have to think about the questions from yesterday.....at least not today.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Divine Disciplinary Dealings
"It is good that I should hope in and wait quietly for the salvation (the safety and ease) of the Lord. It is good that I should bear the yoke [of divine disciplinary dealings]."
Lamentations 3:26-27 (pg 182 Joyce Meyer's book The Secret Power of Speaking God's Love)
'Divine disciplinary dealings' is what I believe I have going on. Perseverance is what I think God is building in me. Maybe not even only perseverance - maybe even consistency. That seems to be a continuing theme in my growth as a wife, Christian, and mom. I know that when I voice my growth through this blog or to a friend the enemy takes opportunities over the next days and months to try and get me off balance and whining again. God allows it. I often do give into the whining and fussing. I am praying that as He is growing me that I do actually become consistent and develop a healthy ability to persevere. The other part of that verse is about waiting quietly and hoping. I do have hope. Do I get discouraged when things are not as I would like them, or when problems are not worked out on my time table? Or - that problems just go away and stay away - but reality is that they don't? Yes, I do become discouraged. But thank you, Jesus, that you have grown me to where I recognize my reactions and patterns sooner than before and am able to address them with scripture and prayer.
Do I wish it all didn't hurt me? Yes. Frustrate me? Yes. Sorely disappoint? Yes, but I refuse to give up hope. The hope that God promises me in Jeremiah 29:11. I do believe when we allow our circumstances to be our focus, continuing to stay in the very same patterns of reacting to them we have in the past, and if we continue to not turn to our Father - we do get beaten down. This results in a loss of hope. The enemy rejoices at this.
Do I want to say, 'my husband is an alcoholic?' No. But, he is and I have come to believe that while I have no control over that or over him and his choices, I do have a Father that loves me and is walking in this with me. He is also trying to help my husband, but too often I watch as He is pushed away by him. It so very much saddens my heart - the anger tries to take over - and the anxiety rears its evil head. But I repeat God's promises - to myself and to the enemy on the attack. When I do I can breathe again. Whether or not my husband ever truly becomes sober or not will be between him and God. If he doesn't he is losing out on so very much that life with Christ and me and the children has to offer. We, as a family, and community, lose out on all that my husband has to offer, too.
During these times I also have to remind myself that there is more to my life than having a sober husband. Is this the life God planned for us when we married? No, I don't believe it is. As long as some are deceived the others are affected. I just pray for TOTAL healing, restoration, and deliverance from anything negative the enemy has planned from the choices being made. I trust God's word that says, "ALL THINGS work together for the good of those that love the Lord and are called according to His purpose in Heaven." Romans 8:28. I completely believe that God really does mean all things - not just the good, or the alcohol free things, or the drug free things, or the grief free things - ALL THINGS!! We have to believe and hope and wait and pray continually.
Please pray with me for this!!
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
The Hat
I cannot even begin to describe all God has been doing inside me and in my life over the past couple of months. I have vacillated between almost not being able to engage in things going on around me - getting up for work, interacting with my family, etc - all the way to life being something to appreciate and enjoy and share again. As I went through the motions necessary to get through my day something began to happen. Once again - as I stay connected to God, not crawl into my shell away from others, and do what is not easy - I find growth and learning and joy in the small things in life.
For those that know me know that my prayer has been, for a long time now, to be a better wife, mother, Christian, friend, etc. The trials of this past year have done nothing but give me opportunities to stretch and grow in all of these areas. I have not grown to the point of completion in any of them, but I am so excited at the growth that has occurred and the fruit being born of that.
I no longer feel exhausted and completely self focused. I have learned that focusing on me only leads to a lack of peace, joy, and creates more exhaustion. The world says constantly that we - especially women - "deserve" time off. Time to focus on "us" only and rejuvenate. I agree in some ways - even Jesus went off by himself to regroup and rest, but he did not go off by himself and shop, get his hair done, lay around, or gab on the phone - or even watch T.V. No, he went off and communed with his Father. That is where our "rejuvenating" occurs. It is important to take care of us in the physical, but it is so much more important to spend time with God and serve others. These are the ways we truly get peace, joy, happiness (although God is not overly concerned with our 'happiness' - just our character). As painful as growth is - physical or spiritual or relational - it is also a 'good' pain. I knew from past experiences that God would make something good come from all of what I have considered bad this past year. He has and he still is. I cannot describe the excitement bubbling up inside me for what is even yet to come - and the joy inside me that I get to help teach my children, also!!
You may be saying, 'easy to say when things are going well', and you would be right. But, "everything" around me is not 'right' in my eyes - My middle child is having problems from Drussen - this wasn't supposed to happen so soon. My eldest child is in middle school and experiencing some of the pains of growth there - that is opening up a whole new avenue in parenting that God is leading me through. My youngest is having more flare ups with his stomach pain and vomiting thanks to EOS and has even missed some school (unheard of in my family! - unless there is vomit ;o). The list goes on, but I will not bore you and we all know of hard times all around us and mine are really no worse than others. I am just saying that with a husband working on himself, me working on me, us working on our marriage, and then the parenting on top of all the activities, school plays, church, etc., it is still so exciting to see what God is doing through it all!!
For Christmas I was given the CD by Kutless, "It is Well". Song tracks 5 and 12 are by far my favorites. Five is encouraging and reminding and 12 is challenging. I have really thought about that alot - Can I still raise my hands if God took everything away? My heartfelt prayer is that yes, yes I would be able to. Not just because I am "supposed to", but more because I truly believe and know that God loves me - and knows what I am in the middle of - and just when I may take my eyes off Him and feel like I am drowning - He will reach down and grab me up - or send some 'human angel' to do the rescuing. Why do I believe this? Because I am experiencing it.
Best thing of the week (besides reading books like "Love Dare" - and putting it into practice- but also, 'how to have a new husband by Friday' - good educational book - "Sheet Music" - made me blush at times, but really good info, too! "How to have a New Kid by Friday" - let me just say - I have been practicing these principles for TWO days and today was so amazing! It really worked - and I danced a jig out the door. Thank you, God!) was when Tate was with me and the girls in Family Christian Bookstore on Sunday and found a hat he wanted. It was a hat that was like his dad's sweatshirt, but he didn't know that. It says, "Walk on Water - No Board, No Problem" and is sort of a take on surf shop advertisements. I didn't like that the hat did not include the verse as a reference on it like his dad's sweatshirt does. I asked Tate if he even knew what it was talking about (knowing he wouldn't and we would put it back). Much to my amazement he knew exactly what it was talking about and proceeded to tell me about it! What a humbling moment for me - and as he completed the story I knelt down in front of him and said, "yes, that is exactly what happened. Everything was fine with Peter walking toward Jesus on the water - during a big storm mind you - UNTIL Peter took his eyes off Jesus. When he did, he sank." What happened right then is that God, once again, used my children to teach me. Because I was so sure I was right that he didn't know the story I stopped to really listen to him instead of reading a book cover as he talked like I am prone to do in stores - well, it could be read anything - just listening with half an ear wherever I am. Then, as I heard the story from Tate, I knew God was saying to me, "Reeda, this is what happens with you. You are fine in the storm until you stop focusing on me." Wow! I sat there in the floor on my knees with all three kids looking at me - stunned at what I had just learned from God and from the mouth of my child being used by God to teach his ever so busy with life, mom. Thank you, Jesus.
Needless to say, we bought the hat. He loves it and it will always hold a dear place in my heart as a reminder of who we can learn from if we will stop and listen.
For those that know me know that my prayer has been, for a long time now, to be a better wife, mother, Christian, friend, etc. The trials of this past year have done nothing but give me opportunities to stretch and grow in all of these areas. I have not grown to the point of completion in any of them, but I am so excited at the growth that has occurred and the fruit being born of that.
I no longer feel exhausted and completely self focused. I have learned that focusing on me only leads to a lack of peace, joy, and creates more exhaustion. The world says constantly that we - especially women - "deserve" time off. Time to focus on "us" only and rejuvenate. I agree in some ways - even Jesus went off by himself to regroup and rest, but he did not go off by himself and shop, get his hair done, lay around, or gab on the phone - or even watch T.V. No, he went off and communed with his Father. That is where our "rejuvenating" occurs. It is important to take care of us in the physical, but it is so much more important to spend time with God and serve others. These are the ways we truly get peace, joy, happiness (although God is not overly concerned with our 'happiness' - just our character). As painful as growth is - physical or spiritual or relational - it is also a 'good' pain. I knew from past experiences that God would make something good come from all of what I have considered bad this past year. He has and he still is. I cannot describe the excitement bubbling up inside me for what is even yet to come - and the joy inside me that I get to help teach my children, also!!
You may be saying, 'easy to say when things are going well', and you would be right. But, "everything" around me is not 'right' in my eyes - My middle child is having problems from Drussen - this wasn't supposed to happen so soon. My eldest child is in middle school and experiencing some of the pains of growth there - that is opening up a whole new avenue in parenting that God is leading me through. My youngest is having more flare ups with his stomach pain and vomiting thanks to EOS and has even missed some school (unheard of in my family! - unless there is vomit ;o). The list goes on, but I will not bore you and we all know of hard times all around us and mine are really no worse than others. I am just saying that with a husband working on himself, me working on me, us working on our marriage, and then the parenting on top of all the activities, school plays, church, etc., it is still so exciting to see what God is doing through it all!!
For Christmas I was given the CD by Kutless, "It is Well". Song tracks 5 and 12 are by far my favorites. Five is encouraging and reminding and 12 is challenging. I have really thought about that alot - Can I still raise my hands if God took everything away? My heartfelt prayer is that yes, yes I would be able to. Not just because I am "supposed to", but more because I truly believe and know that God loves me - and knows what I am in the middle of - and just when I may take my eyes off Him and feel like I am drowning - He will reach down and grab me up - or send some 'human angel' to do the rescuing. Why do I believe this? Because I am experiencing it.
Best thing of the week (besides reading books like "Love Dare" - and putting it into practice- but also, 'how to have a new husband by Friday' - good educational book - "Sheet Music" - made me blush at times, but really good info, too! "How to have a New Kid by Friday" - let me just say - I have been practicing these principles for TWO days and today was so amazing! It really worked - and I danced a jig out the door. Thank you, God!) was when Tate was with me and the girls in Family Christian Bookstore on Sunday and found a hat he wanted. It was a hat that was like his dad's sweatshirt, but he didn't know that. It says, "Walk on Water - No Board, No Problem" and is sort of a take on surf shop advertisements. I didn't like that the hat did not include the verse as a reference on it like his dad's sweatshirt does. I asked Tate if he even knew what it was talking about (knowing he wouldn't and we would put it back). Much to my amazement he knew exactly what it was talking about and proceeded to tell me about it! What a humbling moment for me - and as he completed the story I knelt down in front of him and said, "yes, that is exactly what happened. Everything was fine with Peter walking toward Jesus on the water - during a big storm mind you - UNTIL Peter took his eyes off Jesus. When he did, he sank." What happened right then is that God, once again, used my children to teach me. Because I was so sure I was right that he didn't know the story I stopped to really listen to him instead of reading a book cover as he talked like I am prone to do in stores - well, it could be read anything - just listening with half an ear wherever I am. Then, as I heard the story from Tate, I knew God was saying to me, "Reeda, this is what happens with you. You are fine in the storm until you stop focusing on me." Wow! I sat there in the floor on my knees with all three kids looking at me - stunned at what I had just learned from God and from the mouth of my child being used by God to teach his ever so busy with life, mom. Thank you, Jesus.
Needless to say, we bought the hat. He loves it and it will always hold a dear place in my heart as a reminder of who we can learn from if we will stop and listen.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Perseverance
Okay - to say that I have been moody lately is an understatement. I have been focused so totally on me, my needs, my hurts, my feelings of inadequacy for the current situation. It is like I am a child without object permanence. I often have joked lately to my close friends that what I have been acting like is a 12 year old stomping her foot over not getting "her way". Really? What is my way? Do I TRULY believe my way is better? Sometimes - not better necessarily - just easier. So often I would trade easy for the "best" of almost anything. Until it is all put in perspective.
For instance, would I trade not having Tate at all in my life vs. having Tate and all his medical issues, developmental delays that have been overcome (mostly), and his infectious love of life - all because not having him would have been easier? Easier than hundreds of doctor visits, countless trials of meds and formulas, rides in the ambulance, hospital stays, the ongoing cost of feeding him? Seriously, Reeda? Is that the best? The easier way. Absolutely, unequivocally - NO!! How quickly I forget (hence the above mentioned object permanence)! No wonder God is allowing repeat performances of increasing my ability to persevere! Do I like it? No. Is it comfortable? Absolutely not. How many times have I said that to my own children? "Growing is painful, life isn't fair, this is all preparation, etc?" Countless times - I can assure you of that. I think I understand what God is feeling from me right now - That internal - and unfortunately, sometimes external 'eye roll' from me that I do -like my kids do with me when I have repeated those statements for the thousandth time. You know - where sometimes you think - "boy you are sooo lucky I don't slap faces", but other times you are like, "its okay - roll your eyes - one day you will look back and thank me for telling you this, and making you stick with this" - and you know that it really is true - they can't see it now, but they will. They really will.
That is where I am yet again today - I am the child - God is my Father. He is saying to me:
"I know, I have been there (how many times have our earthly parents said that to us and we have thought - "no, no you don't understand!- times are different - THIS is different - how can you understand?!") and I (God) am assuring you, this will get better. YOU will be better for this. Your attitude during it matters, but whether you choose to have a good attitude or a bad attitude during this difficulty, you will be better off and stronger on the other side. I love you, and I am here with you - as painful as it may be to watch you have to go through this, I know if I step in right now it only prolongs the growing process instead of shortening it. So, easier is not better for you. At some point you have to trust me."
Love, Abba Father
So, the twelve year old inside me sits down, and the thirty five year old is beginning to slowly stand up. The one that knows He is right. I can look back - see where His hand has brought me, taught me, blessed me - even in the midst of trials. I always think the one I am in is the worst 'ever'. Thank God that He promises not to give me more than I can bear and He does always provide respite and a way out if necessary. I have to trust him.
Just like Tate has to trust me. Trust me that I will tell him the truth when something is going to hurt vs. when its not going to hurt. Trust me that the pain he is going through really will be worth it all in the end. Perseverance. This is a trait we don't always think of when we think of what we want to teach and pass on to our children - but oh how extremely important it is!! Without perseverance where would we be? Still 12 and stomping our foot.
God is allowing these "difficulties" in my life to develop inside me perseverance. This will give me words to share with others that I encounter on this road called life - going through the same or similar circumstances - my experience, strength, and hope. Wow! What an AWESOME God I serve!!
He is so faithful even when I am not.
"Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice, mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud (wow, what an issue pride is turning out to be for me), but be willing to associate with those of low position. Do not be conceited. Do not repay evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord. On the contrary: If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head." Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." Romans 12:9-21
Those verses mean so very much to me right now - God is calling me to treat others with kindness - doing for them - serving them - in doing so I am actually serving God and then the "feelings" will follow. Not before. If I sit waiting on God to create His love inside me I think I may be waiting a while - He is impressing on me to act on faith (see, I can learn) - He will fill in the rest - I can't have it all figured out beforehand and then look at my choices - I have to act with faith. Even if I don't feel like it. So, I will be kind, hospitable, and loving to those that hurt me - just as Christ is kind, loving, and hospitable to me - despite how I treat him so often.
Thank you, Jesus, for your mercy toward me - may I have mercy on those around me.
For instance, would I trade not having Tate at all in my life vs. having Tate and all his medical issues, developmental delays that have been overcome (mostly), and his infectious love of life - all because not having him would have been easier? Easier than hundreds of doctor visits, countless trials of meds and formulas, rides in the ambulance, hospital stays, the ongoing cost of feeding him? Seriously, Reeda? Is that the best? The easier way. Absolutely, unequivocally - NO!! How quickly I forget (hence the above mentioned object permanence)! No wonder God is allowing repeat performances of increasing my ability to persevere! Do I like it? No. Is it comfortable? Absolutely not. How many times have I said that to my own children? "Growing is painful, life isn't fair, this is all preparation, etc?" Countless times - I can assure you of that. I think I understand what God is feeling from me right now - That internal - and unfortunately, sometimes external 'eye roll' from me that I do -like my kids do with me when I have repeated those statements for the thousandth time. You know - where sometimes you think - "boy you are sooo lucky I don't slap faces", but other times you are like, "its okay - roll your eyes - one day you will look back and thank me for telling you this, and making you stick with this" - and you know that it really is true - they can't see it now, but they will. They really will.
That is where I am yet again today - I am the child - God is my Father. He is saying to me:
"I know, I have been there (how many times have our earthly parents said that to us and we have thought - "no, no you don't understand!- times are different - THIS is different - how can you understand?!") and I (God) am assuring you, this will get better. YOU will be better for this. Your attitude during it matters, but whether you choose to have a good attitude or a bad attitude during this difficulty, you will be better off and stronger on the other side. I love you, and I am here with you - as painful as it may be to watch you have to go through this, I know if I step in right now it only prolongs the growing process instead of shortening it. So, easier is not better for you. At some point you have to trust me."
Love, Abba Father
So, the twelve year old inside me sits down, and the thirty five year old is beginning to slowly stand up. The one that knows He is right. I can look back - see where His hand has brought me, taught me, blessed me - even in the midst of trials. I always think the one I am in is the worst 'ever'. Thank God that He promises not to give me more than I can bear and He does always provide respite and a way out if necessary. I have to trust him.
Just like Tate has to trust me. Trust me that I will tell him the truth when something is going to hurt vs. when its not going to hurt. Trust me that the pain he is going through really will be worth it all in the end. Perseverance. This is a trait we don't always think of when we think of what we want to teach and pass on to our children - but oh how extremely important it is!! Without perseverance where would we be? Still 12 and stomping our foot.
God is allowing these "difficulties" in my life to develop inside me perseverance. This will give me words to share with others that I encounter on this road called life - going through the same or similar circumstances - my experience, strength, and hope. Wow! What an AWESOME God I serve!!
He is so faithful even when I am not.
"Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice, mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud (wow, what an issue pride is turning out to be for me), but be willing to associate with those of low position. Do not be conceited. Do not repay evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord. On the contrary: If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head." Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." Romans 12:9-21
Those verses mean so very much to me right now - God is calling me to treat others with kindness - doing for them - serving them - in doing so I am actually serving God and then the "feelings" will follow. Not before. If I sit waiting on God to create His love inside me I think I may be waiting a while - He is impressing on me to act on faith (see, I can learn) - He will fill in the rest - I can't have it all figured out beforehand and then look at my choices - I have to act with faith. Even if I don't feel like it. So, I will be kind, hospitable, and loving to those that hurt me - just as Christ is kind, loving, and hospitable to me - despite how I treat him so often.
Thank you, Jesus, for your mercy toward me - may I have mercy on those around me.
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