So, the eye of this particular storm has passed and I am currently in the other part of the storm.
I am having to re-learn some things I thought I had learned already. This is humbling. I prefer to hold on to some semblance of control right now, but in my heart I know it is an illusion.
I haven't been in control even when I thought I had control. I cannot make people act "right" or make wise choices. I cannot prevent bad things from happening to myself, my kids, and my family. Wow. That is so difficult to admit. My current situation is causing me to question things I have always done - especially my old coping skills, and ways of reacting to certain situations/triggers. I am finding that through the years I have become healthier in some ways, and in others I have stayed mired in my childish ways of dealing. I am really having prayers answered. I know that when I prayed them, beginning two years ago, I had NO IDEA that the working out of the answers would look like this or feel like this. The Lord truly knew, long before I did, how weak I would be in this situation - so it is really good that He didn't share His plans with me - lest I had run - run for the hills!! I am finally beginning to understand that IN MY WEAKNESS HE IS STRONG! Amen!
I am not as exhausted as I was last week - that kind of tired that comes from the inside out? You know what I mean? Just when I thought, "I cannot put one foot in front of the other" I would hear a song, or get a call, email, or facebook message - and that person would not even know I was dealing with things from a low, low place, but lifted me up anyway - without me uttering a word - that, my friends, is God at work.
Again, I am not where I would choose to be, but am very thankful for where I am and what God is doing in me. I just pray that I will continue to keep my eyes on Him - and when I veer off His path - He would continue to steer me back on very quickly.
I am thankful that even when I became consumed with anger and hurt again this weekend - and really, really wanted to lash out at my presumed offender - I instead (well, maybe after a few not well spoken words - but again, quickly convicted about my behavior) literally cried out to God. Sat on my bed and begged God to help me and my kids and my husband.
He heard me.
The verse God gave me last week, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers (and sisters ;0), whenever you face trials of any kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4 kept coming back to me and then LITERALLY God gave it to me at church on Sunday night - reminding me - "Hey, Reeda, just wanted to remind you, I AM here, I AM with you, and I AM listening. I AM." - God
Just like that - my anger and resentment toward my situation and my husband dissolved. There is no way to explain it to where you can possibly understand - it just did. God is working on us individually and together. Am I still scared? Sure, but I am reminded again that no matter what my circumstances may bring, my GOD is bigger than my circumstances and will lift me above the flood of waters if I just call out and look for His hand. I am once again on dry land, gaining my bearings in this rainstorm, and waiting on the SON to shine through me.
(Periodically you can even catch me dancing in the rain ;o)
So, while there is healing yet to happen and struggles yet to be faced, and more growth ahead (I mean there has to be, right? - with all of this rain the seedlings inside me are being fed - only because I am choosing to focus on God's directions for growth and maintenance)- I am not specifically dreading it all. Trust me, that is ONLY GOD AT WORK inside my life.
All praise and glory to God, my Father!! I pray you all dance, too.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Saturday, September 19, 2009
On a day like today:
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9
I need that infusion of strength and determination - I need to stop trying to control things around me - I want to stop falling back into old patterns.
Dear Jesus,
Only you can help me in these areas and in the areas that are yet to be identified in my life. Jesus, please show me your will and give me the strength to carry that out.
I love you. Amen
I need that infusion of strength and determination - I need to stop trying to control things around me - I want to stop falling back into old patterns.
Dear Jesus,
Only you can help me in these areas and in the areas that are yet to be identified in my life. Jesus, please show me your will and give me the strength to carry that out.
I love you. Amen
Friday, September 18, 2009
10 Things I Am Grateful For:
1. Jesus. He loves me despite my many flaws and imperfections.
2. Friends.
3. My children. They can brighten my day with a smile and they always help me take the focus off of me.
4. My eyes. That I can see things and people and faces around me.
5. My job.
6. My health.
7. My family.
8. A home to live in.
9. Food to eat.
10. My Bible.
2. Friends.
3. My children. They can brighten my day with a smile and they always help me take the focus off of me.
4. My eyes. That I can see things and people and faces around me.
5. My job.
6. My health.
7. My family.
8. A home to live in.
9. Food to eat.
10. My Bible.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
The Eye of the Storm
You know how when a hurricane blows through, the winds and rain and storms preceding it are vicious - then there is this eerie calm. That is the eye of the storm. The break before the completion of the storm - which the end of the storm usually has more wind and rain, but does not always seem as violent as the beginning. Could be though, that after the eye passes us we are more prepared for the winds and rains that follow. They aren't maybe necessarily weaker than the beginning, but we are "shored up" - buttoned up and battened down so to speak. We are stronger in having survived the first of the storm and then given a rest period we were able to prepare further.
The eye may not last long -or it could be hours or days. Metaphorically speaking I am in the eye. Maybe not - maybe there will be no further wind, rain, or storms to follow the one I have just come through, but that does not seem the pattern for life. I do believe God knows EXACTLY how much you can handle and then, once He has us where He needs us to be - to complete our purpose - He gives us new strength and a rest period.
Now, I in no way believe that we are just supposed to sit on our "duff" so to speak. We are supposed to learn from what we have gone through and continue to look for God's plan and guidance - HIS WILL. Too often I have become complacent after "storms" in my life. I sit back and soak up the rest period instead of actively looking for what I can do next to continue in the growth. I tend to be beaten down to a point - mentally, physically, spiritually. How does that song go? "Crushed but not destroyed, persecuted not abandoned"?
So, here we are - September 15th and so far in the last month we have had two wrecked vehicles (one we were not at fault), my husband moved out, my husband moved back, my 10 yo was diagnosed with an "enlarged optic nerve head" - and all that has come from that (CT scan scheduled for this Friday- already had the sonogram), dentist appts, cheer practice for two different children - along with games each weekend, the Swine Flu in myself and my six year old (and we suspect my husband, too), and constant nights of interrupted sleep from my six year old's stomach issues. Lets add school work, projects, selling things for school, grocery shopping, laundry, household chores, baseball registration, practice, and meetings - GOOD LAND!! I guess this "eye" is needed. This is just the last month's activities.
So, looking back on all of that there is no wonder I am physically and mentally exhausted. Some days I think of sleeping all day. I don't - I work full time, but I think about it. I will say that if my husband had not cleaned this past weekend nothing would have been touched. I did end up helping some, but nothing like what he and two of the kids did together while I ran errands and went to ball games. I don't mean to come across as "poor pitiful me" - not at all - I am SO BLESSED!! God has provided people around me to help take/pick up/and keep children as needed. He has provided friends that have prayed with me and listened to me. He has provided family to support without question, and some with questions - but hey - its family ;o). Spiritually I am eager for that feeding. I need my time with God. I am a better person for having spent time in His presence - I am just so very thankful for this "eye" in my personal storm right now. I look forward to continued growth and learning and also for this rest. So, if I haven't called, written, or otherwise communicated - it is not because I am not thinking of you or praying for you, it is simply because my brain is resting.
"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory, and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls."....."Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given to you when Jesus Christ is revealed." I Peter 1:6-9 and 13.
I have definitely experienced Jesus' grace throughout this summer, along with the gift of seeing Him in it through all of it. Thank you again, Jesus. I love you.
The eye may not last long -or it could be hours or days. Metaphorically speaking I am in the eye. Maybe not - maybe there will be no further wind, rain, or storms to follow the one I have just come through, but that does not seem the pattern for life. I do believe God knows EXACTLY how much you can handle and then, once He has us where He needs us to be - to complete our purpose - He gives us new strength and a rest period.
Now, I in no way believe that we are just supposed to sit on our "duff" so to speak. We are supposed to learn from what we have gone through and continue to look for God's plan and guidance - HIS WILL. Too often I have become complacent after "storms" in my life. I sit back and soak up the rest period instead of actively looking for what I can do next to continue in the growth. I tend to be beaten down to a point - mentally, physically, spiritually. How does that song go? "Crushed but not destroyed, persecuted not abandoned"?
So, here we are - September 15th and so far in the last month we have had two wrecked vehicles (one we were not at fault), my husband moved out, my husband moved back, my 10 yo was diagnosed with an "enlarged optic nerve head" - and all that has come from that (CT scan scheduled for this Friday- already had the sonogram), dentist appts, cheer practice for two different children - along with games each weekend, the Swine Flu in myself and my six year old (and we suspect my husband, too), and constant nights of interrupted sleep from my six year old's stomach issues. Lets add school work, projects, selling things for school, grocery shopping, laundry, household chores, baseball registration, practice, and meetings - GOOD LAND!! I guess this "eye" is needed. This is just the last month's activities.
So, looking back on all of that there is no wonder I am physically and mentally exhausted. Some days I think of sleeping all day. I don't - I work full time, but I think about it. I will say that if my husband had not cleaned this past weekend nothing would have been touched. I did end up helping some, but nothing like what he and two of the kids did together while I ran errands and went to ball games. I don't mean to come across as "poor pitiful me" - not at all - I am SO BLESSED!! God has provided people around me to help take/pick up/and keep children as needed. He has provided friends that have prayed with me and listened to me. He has provided family to support without question, and some with questions - but hey - its family ;o). Spiritually I am eager for that feeding. I need my time with God. I am a better person for having spent time in His presence - I am just so very thankful for this "eye" in my personal storm right now. I look forward to continued growth and learning and also for this rest. So, if I haven't called, written, or otherwise communicated - it is not because I am not thinking of you or praying for you, it is simply because my brain is resting.
"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory, and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls."....."Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given to you when Jesus Christ is revealed." I Peter 1:6-9 and 13.
I have definitely experienced Jesus' grace throughout this summer, along with the gift of seeing Him in it through all of it. Thank you again, Jesus. I love you.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Spiritual Awakening
Yes! That is precisely what I am in the middle of - an awakening- spiritually. I just don't think I can accurately describe how I am feeling inside. I am excited and apprehensive all at the same time. Is that even possible?
Guess, so.
In an earlier post I referred to it as a 'makeover'. That would work for a description, too. I am going through the "fire", "toil", "weeding", etc., to become exactly as God would have me be for the follow through with His will for my life. But, I have to be willing first. Willing to follow Him. Willing to stay. Willing to even stay in life. So often I see people around me that literally give up. They numb themselves with either substances, food (uh, yeah, me too), or whatever - OR they kill themselves.
I know that God allows free will in us as humans. Sometimes your 'will' steps all over mine - especially when I think my will is right. What I am learning is that even though I think I have the best and most free thing to offer others - that information is not always what that person needs right then, from me. Also, unless you are ready - you won't be able to receive it. So, prayer is so very important.
I think I have often felt in the past "I need to DO something, prayer is good, but action is better." How wrong I often was. Yes, some things take action, but so many times I should have stopped and prayed - not just in the middle of the crisis, but before it happened. Not that my prayers will PREVENT anything - His will always prevails - but if I stay focused on me then I know I will be prepared. Preparation is so important - there is a verse in Proverbs that says "where there is no vision the people perish". How true is that for me and my life?
So, through saying all of this - what it boils down to is "I am powerless". I am powerless over so many things, but there is also a certain freedom in that - I am not responsible for anyone or anything except what I am directly in charge of. Me, my job, my children (to an extent), and my choices. I am so thankful for that and for this process of 'Awakening' He is taking me through!!
Guess, so.
In an earlier post I referred to it as a 'makeover'. That would work for a description, too. I am going through the "fire", "toil", "weeding", etc., to become exactly as God would have me be for the follow through with His will for my life. But, I have to be willing first. Willing to follow Him. Willing to stay. Willing to even stay in life. So often I see people around me that literally give up. They numb themselves with either substances, food (uh, yeah, me too), or whatever - OR they kill themselves.
I know that God allows free will in us as humans. Sometimes your 'will' steps all over mine - especially when I think my will is right. What I am learning is that even though I think I have the best and most free thing to offer others - that information is not always what that person needs right then, from me. Also, unless you are ready - you won't be able to receive it. So, prayer is so very important.
I think I have often felt in the past "I need to DO something, prayer is good, but action is better." How wrong I often was. Yes, some things take action, but so many times I should have stopped and prayed - not just in the middle of the crisis, but before it happened. Not that my prayers will PREVENT anything - His will always prevails - but if I stay focused on me then I know I will be prepared. Preparation is so important - there is a verse in Proverbs that says "where there is no vision the people perish". How true is that for me and my life?
So, through saying all of this - what it boils down to is "I am powerless". I am powerless over so many things, but there is also a certain freedom in that - I am not responsible for anyone or anything except what I am directly in charge of. Me, my job, my children (to an extent), and my choices. I am so thankful for that and for this process of 'Awakening' He is taking me through!!
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