Yes! That is precisely what I am in the middle of - an awakening- spiritually. I just don't think I can accurately describe how I am feeling inside. I am excited and apprehensive all at the same time. Is that even possible?
Guess, so.
In an earlier post I referred to it as a 'makeover'. That would work for a description, too. I am going through the "fire", "toil", "weeding", etc., to become exactly as God would have me be for the follow through with His will for my life. But, I have to be willing first. Willing to follow Him. Willing to stay. Willing to even stay in life. So often I see people around me that literally give up. They numb themselves with either substances, food (uh, yeah, me too), or whatever - OR they kill themselves.
I know that God allows free will in us as humans. Sometimes your 'will' steps all over mine - especially when I think my will is right. What I am learning is that even though I think I have the best and most free thing to offer others - that information is not always what that person needs right then, from me. Also, unless you are ready - you won't be able to receive it. So, prayer is so very important.
I think I have often felt in the past "I need to DO something, prayer is good, but action is better." How wrong I often was. Yes, some things take action, but so many times I should have stopped and prayed - not just in the middle of the crisis, but before it happened. Not that my prayers will PREVENT anything - His will always prevails - but if I stay focused on me then I know I will be prepared. Preparation is so important - there is a verse in Proverbs that says "where there is no vision the people perish". How true is that for me and my life?
So, through saying all of this - what it boils down to is "I am powerless". I am powerless over so many things, but there is also a certain freedom in that - I am not responsible for anyone or anything except what I am directly in charge of. Me, my job, my children (to an extent), and my choices. I am so thankful for that and for this process of 'Awakening' He is taking me through!!
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
With Me
So, this past weekend I asked my husband to move out. Not because I was angry. Not because I don't love him. Instead it was because his decisions were putting our family unit in jeopardy. By this I mean that he was making decisions with himself and my kids that could have devastating consequences. I could not and would not condone or enable that. So, no fussing, no fighting, I just asked him to pack and go. He did.
In his condition he said some very hurtful things to me. I listened, but God truly tempered my response and I didn't lash back with hurtful words to him. I am not bragging - I am not at all perfect (not even close), but I had enough of God in me from feeding and building over these last few months that I knew that what I said to my kids ("be kind to others", "treat others better than you want to be treated", etc) had to be lived out at some point ;o). This was that point.
I am a nurturer by nature. I direct things and situations very well (*cough*cough*). I know in my heart if people would just listen to me (uhh, okay - yeah - right) then things could be so much more simple. 90% of issues between friends, family, etc. stems from poor communication (listening - even more- than talking). I like to "fix" things.
Well, nothing to bring you to your knees (literally) before God than to have a marital/family crisis. Nothing like having those very things start going wrong inside my nuclear family.
I have never been so delusional as to believe that we, as a married couple/family unit, were perfect. No - not at all. But I really did think that as a couple we had already had "our share"(of issues) so to speak - early on in our marriage. Evidently not. There are still things God wants to work out in me, and in us, that require some more 'firing'.
I don't like it, but I do appreciate the knowledge that the 'end result' will be far more than I could have hoped for or imagined if I remain focused on Him.
All this DESPITE what others around me are doing - It doesn't matter!!! I am not responsible for them and they are not responsible for me. I have to give an account one day and I have to be able to look at Christ and know that in my heart I meant well and tried my best to lead others to Him. But really? It all comes back to being 'with Him' and Him providing His grace!
In his condition he said some very hurtful things to me. I listened, but God truly tempered my response and I didn't lash back with hurtful words to him. I am not bragging - I am not at all perfect (not even close), but I had enough of God in me from feeding and building over these last few months that I knew that what I said to my kids ("be kind to others", "treat others better than you want to be treated", etc) had to be lived out at some point ;o). This was that point.
I am a nurturer by nature. I direct things and situations very well (*cough*cough*). I know in my heart if people would just listen to me (uhh, okay - yeah - right) then things could be so much more simple. 90% of issues between friends, family, etc. stems from poor communication (listening - even more- than talking). I like to "fix" things.
Well, nothing to bring you to your knees (literally) before God than to have a marital/family crisis. Nothing like having those very things start going wrong inside my nuclear family.
I have never been so delusional as to believe that we, as a married couple/family unit, were perfect. No - not at all. But I really did think that as a couple we had already had "our share"(of issues) so to speak - early on in our marriage. Evidently not. There are still things God wants to work out in me, and in us, that require some more 'firing'.
I don't like it, but I do appreciate the knowledge that the 'end result' will be far more than I could have hoped for or imagined if I remain focused on Him.
All this DESPITE what others around me are doing - It doesn't matter!!! I am not responsible for them and they are not responsible for me. I have to give an account one day and I have to be able to look at Christ and know that in my heart I meant well and tried my best to lead others to Him. But really? It all comes back to being 'with Him' and Him providing His grace!
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Rough Weekend
So, I just got through, about two hours ago, tucking in my six year old. Tate is such a sweet soul. The girls, Tate, and I spent time tonight literally on our knees intervening for their dad and our family unit.
This weekend was very tough for all of us. I asked my husband - the man I love- to leave. Why? Because his choices were coming between us - causing problems where before I had not recognized them. Again - God is allowing my "wax" to be melted - not only in my personal life, but also in me.
So, my six year old told me earlier that he wanted to be my "hair artist". Meaning he wanted to curl my hair. He had spent a little time watching the girls practice with the sponge rollers tonight and decided after building a car out of the same rollers - that mommy needed a makeover. It was great - I must have really been in need because soon all three were making me over. After all was almost done, Tate looked at me and said - in words wiser than his years - "I wanted to do this to take my mind off missing Daddy."
I completely understood.
How appropriate that he chose a "makeover" as a way to do that. That is what I feel like I am in the midst of right now - a life changing "make over". I can honestly say that my prayers about wanting God to remove from me the anger that has been coming and going lately has really happened. I am no longer angry - at my husband or my situation - I see most of my part in this drama that is our life right now, but I pray that all will be revealed as I can handle it and deal with it in a Christ like and healthy way.
Today at church the pastor was out and we had his home church pastor - Larry Stockstill come and speak to us. I had just completed my connection card with my prayer requests on it - which included asking God to keep me in line with His will - not mine- when Pastor Stockstill gave us the title of the sermon - which was all about being in line with God's will - so we don't miss our "assignment". Amen!
How on time is God in my life lately? Probably always, but I haven't looked as much for it as recently. I am so very thankful. Thankful for friends that despite absences and neglect on my part - love me and help me and pray with me. I am also so thankful for my children - and the reminders because of them and our current situation - that my past was important for my future - no matter what I may have felt like all this time. Wow - so, so very thankful!!
So, as I was tucking Tate in and kissing him on the head - he looked at me and asked me, "Is Daddy stuck in the mud that already got the sticks?" As I smiled at his interpretation - or hearing of -my earlier prayer I explained, "Yes - satan is trying to keep his daddy stuck in the miry muck of lies, but that we are praying against that and for complete 'unsticking' of his daddy." He nodded and went to sleep. I think I will, too.
This weekend was very tough for all of us. I asked my husband - the man I love- to leave. Why? Because his choices were coming between us - causing problems where before I had not recognized them. Again - God is allowing my "wax" to be melted - not only in my personal life, but also in me.
So, my six year old told me earlier that he wanted to be my "hair artist". Meaning he wanted to curl my hair. He had spent a little time watching the girls practice with the sponge rollers tonight and decided after building a car out of the same rollers - that mommy needed a makeover. It was great - I must have really been in need because soon all three were making me over. After all was almost done, Tate looked at me and said - in words wiser than his years - "I wanted to do this to take my mind off missing Daddy."
I completely understood.
How appropriate that he chose a "makeover" as a way to do that. That is what I feel like I am in the midst of right now - a life changing "make over". I can honestly say that my prayers about wanting God to remove from me the anger that has been coming and going lately has really happened. I am no longer angry - at my husband or my situation - I see most of my part in this drama that is our life right now, but I pray that all will be revealed as I can handle it and deal with it in a Christ like and healthy way.
Today at church the pastor was out and we had his home church pastor - Larry Stockstill come and speak to us. I had just completed my connection card with my prayer requests on it - which included asking God to keep me in line with His will - not mine- when Pastor Stockstill gave us the title of the sermon - which was all about being in line with God's will - so we don't miss our "assignment". Amen!
How on time is God in my life lately? Probably always, but I haven't looked as much for it as recently. I am so very thankful. Thankful for friends that despite absences and neglect on my part - love me and help me and pray with me. I am also so thankful for my children - and the reminders because of them and our current situation - that my past was important for my future - no matter what I may have felt like all this time. Wow - so, so very thankful!!
So, as I was tucking Tate in and kissing him on the head - he looked at me and asked me, "Is Daddy stuck in the mud that already got the sticks?" As I smiled at his interpretation - or hearing of -my earlier prayer I explained, "Yes - satan is trying to keep his daddy stuck in the miry muck of lies, but that we are praying against that and for complete 'unsticking' of his daddy." He nodded and went to sleep. I think I will, too.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
The Answer
So for the past five days or so I have REALLY been struggling with how to move on from here. The really scary part for me is not knowing for sure that my husband will move forward with me. He says he will, says he wants to, but I have heard all of that before and am EXTREMELY wary of believing it again. I admit some of that is my pride talking. I am tired of looking dumb (stupid, foolish - you fill in the word).
This has made me so much more aware of how little tolerance I have for weakness. Not from me or anyone else. I think I am even passing that down to my kids. Actually I have more tolerance for those outside my family - but feel that those in my family usually need to "buck up" so to speak. Life is hard. Get used to it. No time for self pity. Hmmm, well - I am not so sure this is the best approach. Does God do that to me? Sometimes I think so. He warns us that there WILL BE hard times. But He also tells us He will always be there with us, helping us through - so keep going (is what I hear on the end). I don't know. Maybe I need to better understand His rest, etc - not just His love and grace (which I am still trying to wrap my little peon brain around).
So, I have been reading books dealing with this issue. Reading, praying, looking for what I should do - how do I move forward in a healthy way - what does that look like? I went to another meeting last night - I was very thankful for what I heard and the validation I received without anyone even saying a word - just through listening to others. Then, I also received reminders that my thinking has been altered through my recent experiences, and my thinking wasn't even that great to begin with. I HAVE to let God handle my now and my future. No amount of planning, preparing, and wishing can fully make things happen or not happen as the case may be. I have to surrender.
I have to surrender this situation and most importantly MY WILL. My will is that my family stay in tact, my kids grow up in love with Jesus - with a heart for others, for my husband to completely be free of this 'demon', and that our finances not be negatively affected.
Now, God does promise in Jeremiah 29:11 that He has plans to prosper us, not to harm us - to give us hope and a future. My plans - while they may sound good and "on track" may not be His plans for me. I have to back off - stop fighting and stop planning and stop trying to control each situation for the outcome I feel is right - and give it ALL to God. ALL!!
I also have to show love to my husband even when I don't feel like it. When I feel he needs to suffer as I feel I have, or when I feel he needs to not be touched because I am angry inside - or I just don't need to say anything because silence will "get him". Really, I only hurt me.
So, today God said to me, "Now it is time to forgive him and comfort him. Otherwise he may become so discouraged that he won't be able to recover. Now show him that you still love him." 2 Corinthians 2:7-8
There is NOTHING else I needed to hear. Thank you, God.
This has made me so much more aware of how little tolerance I have for weakness. Not from me or anyone else. I think I am even passing that down to my kids. Actually I have more tolerance for those outside my family - but feel that those in my family usually need to "buck up" so to speak. Life is hard. Get used to it. No time for self pity. Hmmm, well - I am not so sure this is the best approach. Does God do that to me? Sometimes I think so. He warns us that there WILL BE hard times. But He also tells us He will always be there with us, helping us through - so keep going (is what I hear on the end). I don't know. Maybe I need to better understand His rest, etc - not just His love and grace (which I am still trying to wrap my little peon brain around).
So, I have been reading books dealing with this issue. Reading, praying, looking for what I should do - how do I move forward in a healthy way - what does that look like? I went to another meeting last night - I was very thankful for what I heard and the validation I received without anyone even saying a word - just through listening to others. Then, I also received reminders that my thinking has been altered through my recent experiences, and my thinking wasn't even that great to begin with. I HAVE to let God handle my now and my future. No amount of planning, preparing, and wishing can fully make things happen or not happen as the case may be. I have to surrender.
I have to surrender this situation and most importantly MY WILL. My will is that my family stay in tact, my kids grow up in love with Jesus - with a heart for others, for my husband to completely be free of this 'demon', and that our finances not be negatively affected.
Now, God does promise in Jeremiah 29:11 that He has plans to prosper us, not to harm us - to give us hope and a future. My plans - while they may sound good and "on track" may not be His plans for me. I have to back off - stop fighting and stop planning and stop trying to control each situation for the outcome I feel is right - and give it ALL to God. ALL!!
I also have to show love to my husband even when I don't feel like it. When I feel he needs to suffer as I feel I have, or when I feel he needs to not be touched because I am angry inside - or I just don't need to say anything because silence will "get him". Really, I only hurt me.
So, today God said to me, "Now it is time to forgive him and comfort him. Otherwise he may become so discouraged that he won't be able to recover. Now show him that you still love him." 2 Corinthians 2:7-8
There is NOTHING else I needed to hear. Thank you, God.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Allowed to be tested...
So, I wrote my last post and went home to rest and spend time with my husband before the kids got home. I was not feeling well physically for a few days and was very tired.
That evening I was knocked back more than just a few steps. I knew immediately God was allowing me to be tested. To see if what I had written that day was indeed my heart. I pray with everything in me that He found me, though staggering, not at all defeated. Yes, circumstances in my immediate life were getting more difficult. The ante has been "upped" so to speak, but I do not doubt God's love for me, my husband, or my family. I KNOW His plan for my life is good. I do not think it is a coincidence that I am reading the story of Job in the One Year Bible right now, either. I am not saying my life is in as many dire straits as what Job found himself in, but the ones I am in feel like that at times. I do not curse the day I was born, but there are times I question why I got married, why I had kids, why I didn't move to another country and become a missionary. Hmmmm, lets think on that for a moment.
Really? Do I really think I could have been used that well on the mission field? Maybe.
Do I really think life on the mission field would not have been difficult? At times. But, then I would know that I was really doing it all - sacrificing, suffering (or at least my idea of), etc.,- for a "higher calling". (can you hear the choir of angels right there?)
So, if I truly trust God, then I trust where I am - not where maybe on some off chance I could have been. I must trust Him in the valleys of my life as well as on the mountaintops. My husband and I are such a good match for each other's personalities that I know God gave him to me. There have been moments I have wondered why, but I do know he was given to me (*smile*), just as there have been moments I have questioned if I was really meant to be a mom, but I am quickly reminded that Romans 8:28 was true yesterday, and it is true today - and then He goes on to remind me of Jeremiah 29:11 - so really, who am I to doubt? God is so much more than my feelings or circumstances.
I do love my husband, I just don't always agree with him or choices he makes that affect our family. I am struggling to allow God to show me how to submit, how to love like He loves me, and how to be a better wife and mother.
So, I do believe God called me to a mission field. It is this town I live in, the people I have come to know, but most especially my husband and my children. They are my calling for this season. I choose to stay, work things out, and be better for it so that God can use this as a testimony to His grace, His love, and His unfailing support. Not because of anything I can do for me, my husband or my children, but because of Him in my life.
That evening I was knocked back more than just a few steps. I knew immediately God was allowing me to be tested. To see if what I had written that day was indeed my heart. I pray with everything in me that He found me, though staggering, not at all defeated. Yes, circumstances in my immediate life were getting more difficult. The ante has been "upped" so to speak, but I do not doubt God's love for me, my husband, or my family. I KNOW His plan for my life is good. I do not think it is a coincidence that I am reading the story of Job in the One Year Bible right now, either. I am not saying my life is in as many dire straits as what Job found himself in, but the ones I am in feel like that at times. I do not curse the day I was born, but there are times I question why I got married, why I had kids, why I didn't move to another country and become a missionary. Hmmmm, lets think on that for a moment.
Really? Do I really think I could have been used that well on the mission field? Maybe.
Do I really think life on the mission field would not have been difficult? At times. But, then I would know that I was really doing it all - sacrificing, suffering (or at least my idea of), etc.,- for a "higher calling". (can you hear the choir of angels right there?)
So, if I truly trust God, then I trust where I am - not where maybe on some off chance I could have been. I must trust Him in the valleys of my life as well as on the mountaintops. My husband and I are such a good match for each other's personalities that I know God gave him to me. There have been moments I have wondered why, but I do know he was given to me (*smile*), just as there have been moments I have questioned if I was really meant to be a mom, but I am quickly reminded that Romans 8:28 was true yesterday, and it is true today - and then He goes on to remind me of Jeremiah 29:11 - so really, who am I to doubt? God is so much more than my feelings or circumstances.
I do love my husband, I just don't always agree with him or choices he makes that affect our family. I am struggling to allow God to show me how to submit, how to love like He loves me, and how to be a better wife and mother.
So, I do believe God called me to a mission field. It is this town I live in, the people I have come to know, but most especially my husband and my children. They are my calling for this season. I choose to stay, work things out, and be better for it so that God can use this as a testimony to His grace, His love, and His unfailing support. Not because of anything I can do for me, my husband or my children, but because of Him in my life.
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