So for the past five days or so I have REALLY been struggling with how to move on from here. The really scary part for me is not knowing for sure that my husband will move forward with me. He says he will, says he wants to, but I have heard all of that before and am EXTREMELY wary of believing it again. I admit some of that is my pride talking. I am tired of looking dumb (stupid, foolish - you fill in the word).
This has made me so much more aware of how little tolerance I have for weakness. Not from me or anyone else. I think I am even passing that down to my kids. Actually I have more tolerance for those outside my family - but feel that those in my family usually need to "buck up" so to speak. Life is hard. Get used to it. No time for self pity. Hmmm, well - I am not so sure this is the best approach. Does God do that to me? Sometimes I think so. He warns us that there WILL BE hard times. But He also tells us He will always be there with us, helping us through - so keep going (is what I hear on the end). I don't know. Maybe I need to better understand His rest, etc - not just His love and grace (which I am still trying to wrap my little peon brain around).
So, I have been reading books dealing with this issue. Reading, praying, looking for what I should do - how do I move forward in a healthy way - what does that look like? I went to another meeting last night - I was very thankful for what I heard and the validation I received without anyone even saying a word - just through listening to others. Then, I also received reminders that my thinking has been altered through my recent experiences, and my thinking wasn't even that great to begin with. I HAVE to let God handle my now and my future. No amount of planning, preparing, and wishing can fully make things happen or not happen as the case may be. I have to surrender.
I have to surrender this situation and most importantly MY WILL. My will is that my family stay in tact, my kids grow up in love with Jesus - with a heart for others, for my husband to completely be free of this 'demon', and that our finances not be negatively affected.
Now, God does promise in Jeremiah 29:11 that He has plans to prosper us, not to harm us - to give us hope and a future. My plans - while they may sound good and "on track" may not be His plans for me. I have to back off - stop fighting and stop planning and stop trying to control each situation for the outcome I feel is right - and give it ALL to God. ALL!!
I also have to show love to my husband even when I don't feel like it. When I feel he needs to suffer as I feel I have, or when I feel he needs to not be touched because I am angry inside - or I just don't need to say anything because silence will "get him". Really, I only hurt me.
So, today God said to me, "Now it is time to forgive him and comfort him. Otherwise he may become so discouraged that he won't be able to recover. Now show him that you still love him." 2 Corinthians 2:7-8
There is NOTHING else I needed to hear. Thank you, God.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Allowed to be tested...
So, I wrote my last post and went home to rest and spend time with my husband before the kids got home. I was not feeling well physically for a few days and was very tired.
That evening I was knocked back more than just a few steps. I knew immediately God was allowing me to be tested. To see if what I had written that day was indeed my heart. I pray with everything in me that He found me, though staggering, not at all defeated. Yes, circumstances in my immediate life were getting more difficult. The ante has been "upped" so to speak, but I do not doubt God's love for me, my husband, or my family. I KNOW His plan for my life is good. I do not think it is a coincidence that I am reading the story of Job in the One Year Bible right now, either. I am not saying my life is in as many dire straits as what Job found himself in, but the ones I am in feel like that at times. I do not curse the day I was born, but there are times I question why I got married, why I had kids, why I didn't move to another country and become a missionary. Hmmmm, lets think on that for a moment.
Really? Do I really think I could have been used that well on the mission field? Maybe.
Do I really think life on the mission field would not have been difficult? At times. But, then I would know that I was really doing it all - sacrificing, suffering (or at least my idea of), etc.,- for a "higher calling". (can you hear the choir of angels right there?)
So, if I truly trust God, then I trust where I am - not where maybe on some off chance I could have been. I must trust Him in the valleys of my life as well as on the mountaintops. My husband and I are such a good match for each other's personalities that I know God gave him to me. There have been moments I have wondered why, but I do know he was given to me (*smile*), just as there have been moments I have questioned if I was really meant to be a mom, but I am quickly reminded that Romans 8:28 was true yesterday, and it is true today - and then He goes on to remind me of Jeremiah 29:11 - so really, who am I to doubt? God is so much more than my feelings or circumstances.
I do love my husband, I just don't always agree with him or choices he makes that affect our family. I am struggling to allow God to show me how to submit, how to love like He loves me, and how to be a better wife and mother.
So, I do believe God called me to a mission field. It is this town I live in, the people I have come to know, but most especially my husband and my children. They are my calling for this season. I choose to stay, work things out, and be better for it so that God can use this as a testimony to His grace, His love, and His unfailing support. Not because of anything I can do for me, my husband or my children, but because of Him in my life.
That evening I was knocked back more than just a few steps. I knew immediately God was allowing me to be tested. To see if what I had written that day was indeed my heart. I pray with everything in me that He found me, though staggering, not at all defeated. Yes, circumstances in my immediate life were getting more difficult. The ante has been "upped" so to speak, but I do not doubt God's love for me, my husband, or my family. I KNOW His plan for my life is good. I do not think it is a coincidence that I am reading the story of Job in the One Year Bible right now, either. I am not saying my life is in as many dire straits as what Job found himself in, but the ones I am in feel like that at times. I do not curse the day I was born, but there are times I question why I got married, why I had kids, why I didn't move to another country and become a missionary. Hmmmm, lets think on that for a moment.
Really? Do I really think I could have been used that well on the mission field? Maybe.
Do I really think life on the mission field would not have been difficult? At times. But, then I would know that I was really doing it all - sacrificing, suffering (or at least my idea of), etc.,- for a "higher calling". (can you hear the choir of angels right there?)
So, if I truly trust God, then I trust where I am - not where maybe on some off chance I could have been. I must trust Him in the valleys of my life as well as on the mountaintops. My husband and I are such a good match for each other's personalities that I know God gave him to me. There have been moments I have wondered why, but I do know he was given to me (*smile*), just as there have been moments I have questioned if I was really meant to be a mom, but I am quickly reminded that Romans 8:28 was true yesterday, and it is true today - and then He goes on to remind me of Jeremiah 29:11 - so really, who am I to doubt? God is so much more than my feelings or circumstances.
I do love my husband, I just don't always agree with him or choices he makes that affect our family. I am struggling to allow God to show me how to submit, how to love like He loves me, and how to be a better wife and mother.
So, I do believe God called me to a mission field. It is this town I live in, the people I have come to know, but most especially my husband and my children. They are my calling for this season. I choose to stay, work things out, and be better for it so that God can use this as a testimony to His grace, His love, and His unfailing support. Not because of anything I can do for me, my husband or my children, but because of Him in my life.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Taking root...
So, here I am almost two months later. My soil has been turned, weeds are being torn out by the roots, and new seeds have been planted. God is so very good. Not only is healing happening, but also growth. New roots are forming - taking over where the weeds were growing and choking out Life.
I am so thankful for a Christian husband. One that loves his family, his wife, and his children enough to continue on this walk with me. Even when I am at my most fearful - walking completely in the flesh - God uses his willing heart to nudge me back. Prayer works. That is so important to know. It works for healing, for restoration, and for guidance. I have often wondered how people could say they "love Jesus" even when so much "bad" is happening to them personally. Where does that kind of devotion come from? I am not sure I have had that kind of devotion in the past, but not only am I coming to understand it now, but also the love part. I am genuinely in love with Jesus. Not because life is going my way -because there are things trying to come against my family that tend to make life difficult - or because I have everything I "want" or any other superficial thing like that. No, I am in love with Him because I now am beginning to see how very much He loves me despite all my "cracks". Through this firing process my own personal wax has been being melted away. My cracks that have evidently been being covered and filled in by superficial knowledge and words are coming out. Sort of like those games we would play on youth trips - "when squeezed (through a difficult situation), what do you get? Lemons or lemonade?" I was usually in the lemon group - irritated, bossy, bothered, etc. I could cover it well though when necessary.
Well, nothing like a fire to melt it all away. Again - I am not too fond of the process, but am so very thankful that He loves me enough to fill in those cracks with Him when they become exposed. I don't deserve that kind of love or grace - can never measure up. But for all I don't understand about God and His undying and unfailing love, I do understand He does know me, my circumstances, and where I am. He hears me, holds me, walks with me, and guides me.
So, I continue to grow my roots in Him, so when the winds and storms come, I am well "grounded" and difficult to move. I look forward to my time with Him and thank him so very, very much for His multitude of blessings!!
I am so thankful for a Christian husband. One that loves his family, his wife, and his children enough to continue on this walk with me. Even when I am at my most fearful - walking completely in the flesh - God uses his willing heart to nudge me back. Prayer works. That is so important to know. It works for healing, for restoration, and for guidance. I have often wondered how people could say they "love Jesus" even when so much "bad" is happening to them personally. Where does that kind of devotion come from? I am not sure I have had that kind of devotion in the past, but not only am I coming to understand it now, but also the love part. I am genuinely in love with Jesus. Not because life is going my way -because there are things trying to come against my family that tend to make life difficult - or because I have everything I "want" or any other superficial thing like that. No, I am in love with Him because I now am beginning to see how very much He loves me despite all my "cracks". Through this firing process my own personal wax has been being melted away. My cracks that have evidently been being covered and filled in by superficial knowledge and words are coming out. Sort of like those games we would play on youth trips - "when squeezed (through a difficult situation), what do you get? Lemons or lemonade?" I was usually in the lemon group - irritated, bossy, bothered, etc. I could cover it well though when necessary.
Well, nothing like a fire to melt it all away. Again - I am not too fond of the process, but am so very thankful that He loves me enough to fill in those cracks with Him when they become exposed. I don't deserve that kind of love or grace - can never measure up. But for all I don't understand about God and His undying and unfailing love, I do understand He does know me, my circumstances, and where I am. He hears me, holds me, walks with me, and guides me.
So, I continue to grow my roots in Him, so when the winds and storms come, I am well "grounded" and difficult to move. I look forward to my time with Him and thank him so very, very much for His multitude of blessings!!
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
The Garden
This past spring my husband began tilling and preparing our backyard to plant a garden. This year's garden is bigger than last year and he added a second section. The preparing of the soil took longer than I expected. First he had to research what tool would be best to use (last year he did it by hand with a hoe and I sooooo feel for pioneers!), then he purchased it and finally started using it. He had to get the hang of it - it was lighter and faster than he expected at first - but once he got the hang of it he was on his way - and having a great time - and he even let our (just turned) six year old operate it, too.
So - then came the planting, weeding, putting up posts (to keep our dog from trampling through), and chicken wire for the veggies to climb on, watering, fertilizing, etc.
FINALLY we started seeing sprouts. To say my husband was excited is small. He was thrilled - everyday he would come in and change and go outside to work in the garden.
I will admit that a lot of days I resented it because I didn't appreciate the time it took - weeding, watering, fertilizing, admiring small, tiny, (looking a lot like weeds) sprouts that he was taking such care of. He loved it though and I begrudgingly adjusted my expectations.
He offered many days for me to go outside and help him weed or work when I mentioned how much time he spent out there. I didn't ever take him up on it. WEEDING? REALLY? Get bug bitten? hot? and dirty for some sprouts that I thought looked a lot like weeds? No thanks.
By June we had tall tomato plants, corn stalks, beans climbing, watermelon vines reaching, and squash and cucumbers growing. I was amazed, but still not as impressed as him. Then we had torrential storms - they flattened everything except the tomatoes. After two days of rain we had a break and he went out and tried to stand everything back up. I did support this because it meant so much to him - he spent many hours weeding, posting, tying, and shoring up. That night another storm - the next day - he stood the corn up again - then that night a storm that had hail and wind and really bad rain. He basically said to me that he wasn't standing it all up again - if it didn't recover - so be it. I stood at the window that night and prayed that God would spare our garden. Why? Because my husband had put so much into them both and with everything going on at his job I really didn't want to see him so defeated.
The next morning with the sun brought the show of damage done. Two trees fell - our roof was damaged and the yard was a horrible mess with leaves, limbs and debris. The power had also gone out during this particular storm. But, WOW! How awesome is my God?
The tree in the backyard fell JUST TO THE RIGHT of the garden! Coincidence? No. God spared our garden. The tree in the front yard fell where we normally park, but the van wasn't there so no damage was done - again - God knew back in March that this storm was headed our way - so He guided us then to have it be in a lot for sale at a different location.
I tell you all this for two reasons - as I have come to appreciate the garden (if not the work), I have also started taking an active part with my husband in the care of it - although he does the lion's share. I see the garden in my yard as so much like my spiritual life. How?
Well, in the spring, personal storms began brewing (God preparing my soil) - then my grandfather, who had such a powerful influence on my spiritual life and foundation, got sick all of a sudden and died after a month with cancer. I was blessed with being able to go and help my mom, aunt and uncle on the weekends stay with him and care for him - in the middle of that - my mom fell at his house and fractured her shoulder - could not even dress herself, bathe herself, make her own food, or drive. I had the opportunity to serve my mom in the most elemental of ways during that 5 weeks. She is home now and I have stayed only one weekend because of all the other personal stuff that has come up - but God provided my sister in law and brother to be there to help care for her at her home (which is where she wanted to be).
So, during that time I was able to really reflect on my personal legacy - what trail am I leaving behind? What do my children and husband see?
My grandfather was given the gift of evangelism. Even dying of cancer he asked nurses and hospice workers if they knew Jesus and where they were attending church. He was not ashamed of the Gospel of Christ. His neighbors came to share all there interactions with him - visit with him and thank him. He cared for the widows around him and always looked out for them. He took initiative in his neighborhood, church, family, and community - even when it wasn't always welcome. In 2007 when I was able to spend one on one time with him in the hospital, he told me then to start reading Ezekiel - the end was drawing near. He told me to make sure my relationship with Christ was on track - and encouraged me to share Him with others - Granddaddy also took the time to remind me that he prayed daily, by name, for each member of my family - and me. I cherish that. I know his prayers made a difference in my life.
So, in this season of God "tilling" my heart's soil, planting His seeds (bringing events into my life that I could grow through or not allow to root) providing fertilizer (relationships with others, His word, church, music, etc) if I chose to partake of it, providing water (His word - and sometimes storms), to help these fledgling seeds take root and grow. But, the weeding is just as vital - and can be painful - the tearing out of bad habits, destructive ways or thoughts, past hurts, etc - to allow room for the new growth. Then - more rain, fertilizer, and weeding as the growth continues. Now the sprouts are big - reaching constantly toward the SON - the flowers open wide to allow the necessary "bug" in - that exact thing needed to fertilize and spur on naturally - specifically designed for me and my "flower". But the enemy has plans, too. The enemy is a master manipulator and liar - takes what is meant for good and can pervert it - if we don't get rid of those things in our life garden, then it can drown us (if we don't have good drainage), eat us (if we allow the wrong 'bugs' into our flower), or burn us (if we plant ourselves in the wrong part of the yard with too much or too little sun).
So, daily tending is needed. Plans are needed. Preparation is needed. Help is needed.
We are not islands unto ourselves. God designed us to have help weeding our gardens as needed. Help to spur us on, to taking in the fertilizer and water, and tempering both - knowing when to keep certain bugs, and when to demolish the others.
When we do these things the 'fruit' born of our toil, labor, and weeding pain - is so very, very good - and abundant enough to share with others!
If we focus only on the pain of the problem we are in - we have the potential to become stagnant, drown, or eaten alive. Instead, I ask you to consider keeping your blooms open to the SON, and your tendrils reaching constantly for new ground to grow in - led by His hand- through the fertilizing and weeding and watering of our time with Him, with friends striving toward Him also, and through praise of our Father.
I now so much more appreciate my garden. Thank you, Abba.
So - then came the planting, weeding, putting up posts (to keep our dog from trampling through), and chicken wire for the veggies to climb on, watering, fertilizing, etc.
FINALLY we started seeing sprouts. To say my husband was excited is small. He was thrilled - everyday he would come in and change and go outside to work in the garden.
I will admit that a lot of days I resented it because I didn't appreciate the time it took - weeding, watering, fertilizing, admiring small, tiny, (looking a lot like weeds) sprouts that he was taking such care of. He loved it though and I begrudgingly adjusted my expectations.
He offered many days for me to go outside and help him weed or work when I mentioned how much time he spent out there. I didn't ever take him up on it. WEEDING? REALLY? Get bug bitten? hot? and dirty for some sprouts that I thought looked a lot like weeds? No thanks.
By June we had tall tomato plants, corn stalks, beans climbing, watermelon vines reaching, and squash and cucumbers growing. I was amazed, but still not as impressed as him. Then we had torrential storms - they flattened everything except the tomatoes. After two days of rain we had a break and he went out and tried to stand everything back up. I did support this because it meant so much to him - he spent many hours weeding, posting, tying, and shoring up. That night another storm - the next day - he stood the corn up again - then that night a storm that had hail and wind and really bad rain. He basically said to me that he wasn't standing it all up again - if it didn't recover - so be it. I stood at the window that night and prayed that God would spare our garden. Why? Because my husband had put so much into them both and with everything going on at his job I really didn't want to see him so defeated.
The next morning with the sun brought the show of damage done. Two trees fell - our roof was damaged and the yard was a horrible mess with leaves, limbs and debris. The power had also gone out during this particular storm. But, WOW! How awesome is my God?
The tree in the backyard fell JUST TO THE RIGHT of the garden! Coincidence? No. God spared our garden. The tree in the front yard fell where we normally park, but the van wasn't there so no damage was done - again - God knew back in March that this storm was headed our way - so He guided us then to have it be in a lot for sale at a different location.
I tell you all this for two reasons - as I have come to appreciate the garden (if not the work), I have also started taking an active part with my husband in the care of it - although he does the lion's share. I see the garden in my yard as so much like my spiritual life. How?
Well, in the spring, personal storms began brewing (God preparing my soil) - then my grandfather, who had such a powerful influence on my spiritual life and foundation, got sick all of a sudden and died after a month with cancer. I was blessed with being able to go and help my mom, aunt and uncle on the weekends stay with him and care for him - in the middle of that - my mom fell at his house and fractured her shoulder - could not even dress herself, bathe herself, make her own food, or drive. I had the opportunity to serve my mom in the most elemental of ways during that 5 weeks. She is home now and I have stayed only one weekend because of all the other personal stuff that has come up - but God provided my sister in law and brother to be there to help care for her at her home (which is where she wanted to be).
So, during that time I was able to really reflect on my personal legacy - what trail am I leaving behind? What do my children and husband see?
My grandfather was given the gift of evangelism. Even dying of cancer he asked nurses and hospice workers if they knew Jesus and where they were attending church. He was not ashamed of the Gospel of Christ. His neighbors came to share all there interactions with him - visit with him and thank him. He cared for the widows around him and always looked out for them. He took initiative in his neighborhood, church, family, and community - even when it wasn't always welcome. In 2007 when I was able to spend one on one time with him in the hospital, he told me then to start reading Ezekiel - the end was drawing near. He told me to make sure my relationship with Christ was on track - and encouraged me to share Him with others - Granddaddy also took the time to remind me that he prayed daily, by name, for each member of my family - and me. I cherish that. I know his prayers made a difference in my life.
So, in this season of God "tilling" my heart's soil, planting His seeds (bringing events into my life that I could grow through or not allow to root) providing fertilizer (relationships with others, His word, church, music, etc) if I chose to partake of it, providing water (His word - and sometimes storms), to help these fledgling seeds take root and grow. But, the weeding is just as vital - and can be painful - the tearing out of bad habits, destructive ways or thoughts, past hurts, etc - to allow room for the new growth. Then - more rain, fertilizer, and weeding as the growth continues. Now the sprouts are big - reaching constantly toward the SON - the flowers open wide to allow the necessary "bug" in - that exact thing needed to fertilize and spur on naturally - specifically designed for me and my "flower". But the enemy has plans, too. The enemy is a master manipulator and liar - takes what is meant for good and can pervert it - if we don't get rid of those things in our life garden, then it can drown us (if we don't have good drainage), eat us (if we allow the wrong 'bugs' into our flower), or burn us (if we plant ourselves in the wrong part of the yard with too much or too little sun).
So, daily tending is needed. Plans are needed. Preparation is needed. Help is needed.
We are not islands unto ourselves. God designed us to have help weeding our gardens as needed. Help to spur us on, to taking in the fertilizer and water, and tempering both - knowing when to keep certain bugs, and when to demolish the others.
When we do these things the 'fruit' born of our toil, labor, and weeding pain - is so very, very good - and abundant enough to share with others!
If we focus only on the pain of the problem we are in - we have the potential to become stagnant, drown, or eaten alive. Instead, I ask you to consider keeping your blooms open to the SON, and your tendrils reaching constantly for new ground to grow in - led by His hand- through the fertilizing and weeding and watering of our time with Him, with friends striving toward Him also, and through praise of our Father.
I now so much more appreciate my garden. Thank you, Abba.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Amazing Grace....
Grace is definitely what Jesus is giving me at this point in my life. He is "doing for me what I can't do for myself" - Grace.
I love Jesus. I so appreciate His timing - just when I think He has forgotten me or didn't hear me, He steps in once again. Despite my fear - fear that is confessed and fear that I want to be rid of. I see now the only way to be rid of that fear is to let Jesus' voice and promises become louder in my mind and soul. Sometimes that is specifically through His word - through reading the Bible and spending time with Him - sometimes He gives a word through someone else - and sometimes - just like in a pinball game - He provides buffers to get us back on course. Reminders of who He is and what power He does have - reminders of His love, promises, and provisions no matter what the enemy or our flesh is attempting to get us off track with.
Thank you, Jesus. Thank you for my friends, for meetings, for church, and for your continued patience with me in my growing.
I had the opportunity to spend face to face time with a friend that knows me and my husband very well last night. She is another person God has used in these past weeks to steer me back on course, to calm my anxiety, remind me of what I know of Christ's promises for me and my life, and give me practical and timely advice about not over reacting in my moments of fear.
I also got to attend a meeting last night that I haven't been a part of in over 10 years. Wow. What a necessary reminder to me and my life right now. Have I really become a "snob". By that I mean - thinking I didn't need others - to be reminded of what could be and has been and what needs to be during such a time as this? I am so thankful for the group I got to meet with last night - a true reminder that all my searching, trying to figure things out, and plans, and questioning is such a huge waste of time and anxiety builder. A definite reminder that I don't just surrender my will to Christ once and that is it, but that it may be something I have to do hour by hour as I try and fall into the same old patterns of interaction.
My need for "instant" takes a back seat at this point. Obviously the refining and growing process Christ has for me at this time is REALLY a process - not just something that happens overnight. (Go figure ;0)
My husband was up when I got home last night - after a few false starts we were able to have a very good conversation. I am so thankful to Jesus for that. I know He was moving me and tempering me because I asked Him to. "Ask and you shall receive, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened to you." Matthew 11:23 (i think). So, good steps forward when I stopped to see things from my husband's perspective. As difficult as it is to admit I do have some culpability in our issues these last few weeks. I did not create the precipitating event, but I have reacted in ways that were out of anxiety, fear, self preservation that have not been for the good of my marriage and support of my husband.
Again, it all comes back to grace.
Thank you, Jesus, for continuing to guide me and teach me even when I am difficult to stop.
I love Jesus. I so appreciate His timing - just when I think He has forgotten me or didn't hear me, He steps in once again. Despite my fear - fear that is confessed and fear that I want to be rid of. I see now the only way to be rid of that fear is to let Jesus' voice and promises become louder in my mind and soul. Sometimes that is specifically through His word - through reading the Bible and spending time with Him - sometimes He gives a word through someone else - and sometimes - just like in a pinball game - He provides buffers to get us back on course. Reminders of who He is and what power He does have - reminders of His love, promises, and provisions no matter what the enemy or our flesh is attempting to get us off track with.
Thank you, Jesus. Thank you for my friends, for meetings, for church, and for your continued patience with me in my growing.
I had the opportunity to spend face to face time with a friend that knows me and my husband very well last night. She is another person God has used in these past weeks to steer me back on course, to calm my anxiety, remind me of what I know of Christ's promises for me and my life, and give me practical and timely advice about not over reacting in my moments of fear.
I also got to attend a meeting last night that I haven't been a part of in over 10 years. Wow. What a necessary reminder to me and my life right now. Have I really become a "snob". By that I mean - thinking I didn't need others - to be reminded of what could be and has been and what needs to be during such a time as this? I am so thankful for the group I got to meet with last night - a true reminder that all my searching, trying to figure things out, and plans, and questioning is such a huge waste of time and anxiety builder. A definite reminder that I don't just surrender my will to Christ once and that is it, but that it may be something I have to do hour by hour as I try and fall into the same old patterns of interaction.
My need for "instant" takes a back seat at this point. Obviously the refining and growing process Christ has for me at this time is REALLY a process - not just something that happens overnight. (Go figure ;0)
My husband was up when I got home last night - after a few false starts we were able to have a very good conversation. I am so thankful to Jesus for that. I know He was moving me and tempering me because I asked Him to. "Ask and you shall receive, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened to you." Matthew 11:23 (i think). So, good steps forward when I stopped to see things from my husband's perspective. As difficult as it is to admit I do have some culpability in our issues these last few weeks. I did not create the precipitating event, but I have reacted in ways that were out of anxiety, fear, self preservation that have not been for the good of my marriage and support of my husband.
Again, it all comes back to grace.
Thank you, Jesus, for continuing to guide me and teach me even when I am difficult to stop.
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