Week 2

I cannot even begin to describe the spiritual warfare my marriage, my children, and my heart have come under this last week. 

What satan doesn't understand is that I serve a RISEN SAVIOR!! 

I have found myself singing the name of Jesus over and over as I have gone throughout these days. God has been SO faithful! He not only has given me the gift of his word and music, but also a life and truth speaking friend that despite having zero time with 6 young children - homeschooling, laundry, meals, nighttime feedings, and a husband - she still spent invaluable precious time to LISTEN to me, pray for me, and talk me off the proverbial ledge of my flesh. 

Verses of her friendship toward me: 

Proverbs 27:5-6; Ecclesiastes 4:9-10; John 15:13( and oh she has, so many times); Proverbs 17:17 and she is definitely a sister in my heart. 

Though many miles separate us she has never ever let that stop her from staying in touch. Me? I'm not at all the best friend she could have- I forget birthdays, don't hand write letters anymore, and haven't seen her outside of pictures in too too long. But, still she is a friend as close as a sister. She has a true Mary heart while I tend to rush around and complain like Martha. 

With her by my side a phone call away, we have stood in agreement against the evil that has dared to darken my families' door. The healing will continue as the days move forward, but I know for sure God is right here- upholding me with his righteous right hand- because He has shown me through 'Mary's' friendship. 

She reminded me God is peace - not confusion. He is working in the heavenlies against this attack. God alone is the author of my story, perfecter of my faith. In Him I have every weapon at my disposal. 

I have repeatedly used food as my 'god' for comfort and companionship. It has helped create a barrier between me and anything that might be difficult to do or face. As you know last week I talked about the changes happening in me and my life with regard to food. This attack against my family is just another layer - and I have wanted to bury my head my anger and all my other swirling emotions in food this week. Then by doing so it could all be about me because then I could focus on what a lousy person I am because I can't even stick to a plan. Makes me unloveable you know. 

But, digging deeper into the Word and worship helped me with my flesh. Not only did I not jump off that 'flesh cliff of anger', but I also didn't allow my real flesh to take over. I stuck to my plan - prayed through it- talked it over - and lost ten pounds.

I was floored. 

So, my walk continues and I have only just begun week two. 

I love Jesus. His mercy is truly everlasting. He is ALWAYS FAITHFUL. Just pray.

My Journey Continues

Today I met with Dr. F and his staff. Keep in mind that my battle with my PCOS, food (mainly carbs) addiction and weight are ongoing. Like daily.

After teaching Zumba and REFIT for a total of four years combined, I chose to take a break and focus on my kids and husband and this short short time I have left with my kids still at home. 

Well, things have not gone exactly as planned. After a few months of doing that - ball games, meetings, dates, and school functions- I took a tumble down my stairs. I broke my big toe. 

I ended up having surgery to repair a hammer toe and remove my bunion on the injured foot. Why? Because I needed it done, but would have put it off til I died had it not been for the fact I had to wear a boot anyway. 

So here I am two surgeries, two plates, 9 screws later - on the same foot- and 6 months post fall and still unable to bear weight per doctors orders. 

I have at last count put on 33 pounds since the fall. I battled a period of depression around October and November of this past year. I have beat myself up over falling down the stairs, going ahead with surgery, feeling bad, eating worse and on and on and on. 

I have prayed and literally begged God to spontaneously heal my foot, heal my fixation with food, and in turn heal me. Altruistically I think 'THEN I can be of help to others'.

God has a sense of humor, His timing is perfect, and He began his healing of me years ago. I just am slow to catch on. 

My PCOS led to a hysterectomy in 2007. 

Ironically in mid 2008 I became anemic. Yep, AFTER the hysterectomy - way after. This led me to a wonderful hematologist named Dr. B. 

She did all kinds of tests - even looked for cancer, etc, but eventually could find no medical reason for my different blood deficiencies. I ended up having an iron infusion and different shots, etc and leveled out. After I got certified with Zumba and found Body Pump I was at one of my follow ups and she was telling me about this clinic she was going to to help her get her weight under control. I filed the info away, but was feeling pretty good because I was doing pretty good since working out consistently. I found that working out and making a few non drastic dietary changes helped me lose close to fifty pounds in 6 months. Better than the loss I LOVED my new found muscular strength. I could lift fifty pound dog food bags with no help. It was awesome! 

Fast forward through serious life altering events - illnesses, relapse in spouse, daily stressors I didn't anticipate and there was a shift in me. 

I don't want to be just fit on the outside, I really want my heart to be forever 'fit' in relationship to Christ. So, He shifted my focus. My body is a temple. Not a show piece for clothing or to show what 'I did'. No, totally a place for the love of Christ to reside and then shared with others. 

I stopped focusing on numbers and started focusing on relationships. In my family and at work and in my classes. 

But, like most women I know I haven't completely been able to turn off that comparison switch. 

My body, my marriage, my kids, my house - you name it and I have mentally compared it to those around me- in person and online. 

God was kind, though, and continued to nudge me back to Him and how He sees me. My healing was continuing I just didn't see it. 

Since the fall I have run a full out pity party at times. I celebrated at these gatherings with food and comparison (those true THIEVES) - but again God had already started the foundation years ago that brought me to today. 

Today at Dr. F's office as I stood on the body composition analysis machine I saw in bright colorful clarity the shape I have allowed my temple to get in on the outside- but it only mirrored what was already broken down on the inside. 

The nurse said something so simple yet so profound and I KNOW God was using her to continue the ongoing repair and refinement inside me. 

She said, 'Just remember, you chose to come here, you chose to take this step in caring for you, and you can choose what you do and do not do. We will never berate you, only encourage. You have the control.'

Yes, I CHOOSE this day whom I will serve. Exactly. 

No condemnation - just a simple choice. God doesn't berate me when I choose destruction to my temple. He instead stands arms open waiting for me to come to Him - for that much needed grace and those tender bandages from my latest scuffle with my flesh. 

Then the Dr came in - all tests were normal - HR, EKG, etc. 

he told me what was expected and what I can expect. He reminded me there is NO quick fix and that just like my life - my weightloss is a journey. Ups and downs will be had. I have to decide if I want the benefits of weight loss. Increased energy, increased self esteem (not the same as worth), mood enhancement, and increased sex drive, lower chance of cancer, stroke and heart attack, and just overall better health.

Yes, please. 

He stressed the need to sweat in my workouts at least 30 min three times a week - despite my bum foot. He reminded me that while I may be limited I need to do something with upper body, etc. 

The Coach in me knows this, but just like always God knew I needed this outside help and kick in the patootie. 

I am not 'starting over'. I never quit. This is a journey and God is the Author of my story. He is patient when I am not, and He uses my circumstances to get my attention at times, but also to change my perception. The shape of my heart is being gently molded as my body follows suit. 

Maybe He will use my journey to help another, I have no idea, but I do know I am RIGHT where I am supposed to be for today. 

Jeremiah 29:11 

Sixteen

Well it has happened. My eldest has turned 16. 

I have taken 16 pretty hard. New age, new level of freedom and responsibility- that much closer to leaving for college (because no doubt in my mind she will SOAR at anything God directs her to), and then there is the driving. 

Ugh. 

Driving is bittersweet. I cried for about three days before her birthday. Crazy? Well, that's already been established from my earlier posts :)

I mourned this child's birthday almost like I mourned my grandfather's cancer diagnosis. 

My first born. My first to walk and talk. My first to learn to set boundaries for. My first to learn to move over and consider someone else's needs(more difficult than I thought). My first to cry over as she cried in her crib for the first time. My first to teach about Jesus and His love, mercy, and grace. My first to see accomplish so much more than I even thought of at her age. 

My first to now drive, to date, to have her own checking account and all that comes with that. 

My heart. 

I just want to keep her close, not have to watch her struggle with the balance of life and fun and responsibility. I feel my heart pound at all that 'could' happen to her- while driving, while working, while off at college...

It's almost like when she started walking and saying 'no' and testing her independence in her tiny world 15 years ago. 

I see God's plan here - not only for me as mom, but also for her as child. The waking nights from the squished  bladder prepares you for getting up in the night with an infant. The walking for allowing falls and as a mom learning how to handle what 'could' happen in this great big bad world to this special sweet girl.

Well... I see how it all parallels and prepares. 

Just like crying in her crib for the first time I have to allow her to decide and do things that are hard on her own. Just like her walking, I have to release her to drive. Just like putting her on the school bus I have to allow her to prepare to leave and explore her world away from me. I see now eight hours that first time was NOTHING compared to the thought of weeks of not seeing her as she leaves for college. 

But, if my focus remains on the 'what-ifs' and the 'might happens' in life, I will squish her joy of all there is to explore and grow into - pain included- in her life. By the grace of God, only, I believe that although mistakes have been made in parenting at times- her dad and I have done well by her. 

She is trustworthy, reliable, beautiful inside and out, smart as all get out, and funny to boot. She knows that nothing is more important than God - and while her path will be different than mine I know she will go exactly where she is supposed to because of WHO'S she is - not 'who' she is. 

She is such a wonderful daughter - and God has so blessed me with another close behind her - just as wonderful and different as my first. 

So though my heart breaks for all I stand to lose from her spreading her wings, my heart swells for all she has in front of her!!

God states in Jeremiah 29:11(my second favorite verse), 'for I know the plans I have for you, declares The Lord; plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.'

Here she goes-into that future HE holds for her.

Blessings my sweet, sweet girl!

Love, Mom

From the outfield

Outfielders are kind of like back up singers to me - who really knows who Michael Jackson's back up singers are - or Toby Mac or Mandisa? 

Who really knows who the outfielders are for the Braves? Or the linebackers for any team? 

Well I am sure there are true hard core music and sports aficionados out there that do, but the majority of people don't have a clue. 

As a mom you get asked ALOT 'what position does your child play?' Response from me-'outfield'. 

That is always met with a polite smile but it ends the conversation. 

But listen and watch - and I am SO guilty, too, 'first base' , 'pitcher', 'catcher' - those are met with really? Then stats are discussed and more animated conversation ensues. 

I imagine that is the same with the mom of someone famous- like Michael Jackson's mom vs. the mom of the unknown backup singer. 

The pride factor just tends to be different with the 'star'. 

But as I sit here watching my child being trained to play second base I think, 'woohoo! Second base! Way to go, Tate'. Then I think, 'wow, if it weren't for the outfielders that ball would never have gotten in.' Similar to back up singers - yes, there are those that need no backup singers, but, WOW! The music is so much richer thanks to the additional voices and ranges. 

The same is true in life. There are those called to be in the spotlight, on the stage or at the podium- the CEO's of businesses and leaders of congregations. Then there are those called to be the 'back up- or outfielders'. Those are the ones we sometimes see, might hear about, but are never the main focus. They are the ones that add life to our life through physical, spiritual, and emotional support to those in the spotlight. They are the ones that take up the slack in the homes, the workplace - the detail people and prayer warriors. Not always seen, but if we tried to function without them life would be a little flat - more difficult to keep up with all that is thrown our way - or even less protected from the 'nonsense' satan attempts to trip us up with. 

Sometimes the world tells us 'they aren't as important', but oh how they are! 

I am embarrassed to say I am part of 'the world' in this sense. MUCH more excited to say, 'he plays second' than, 'right field'. 

But, I don't just think that where my child is concerned - my flesh is not so discerning- I totally fall into this same trap where I am concerned. 

It sounds better to those I come in contact with to say, 'domestic engineer' or 'CEO of House of Knights' than 'mom' or 'homemaker'. Right? 

We believe degrees and spotlight are more important than the dishwasher or janitor, or woman  that answers the phone at the doctors office or bank. 

Oh how so very wrong we are. 

Chaos would ensue without the outfielders.

But, we spend thousands for those degrees- bigger degrees could mean better job with more money and more prestige. 

We spend even more paying others to be our 'outfielders' and 'lineman'. If not in money, then in time away from those closest to us- 'cause they understand', 'they know this will get us more! More money, more stuff - even more stuff to do good for others, so that CAN'T be wrong. Right?'

In my recent study of the book of Nehemiah, it has been brought to my attention multiple times that satan uses ANYTHING to distract us. He uses 'good' things, he uses our insecurities, he uses our pride, he uses pretty much anything we see as important in life to try and distract us from God's design on our life. Seriously- he will use anything - family, friends, finances, health issues, etc. 

But, Nehemiah has so very much been used to drive home with me the power in prayer. 

That is such a 'church' phrase - thrown about so easily- but never more real to me than in the past four years - and God is taking the time right now, once again, to sit me down and show me again - (because I tend to be easily shoved into the ditch of disbelief), that Matthew 6:33- the verse God spoke so clearly to me on July 9, 2011, is and was the truth - 'seek- pray - ask - go to- Him (God, Jesus, Son of God) and ALL these things will be added unto you.'

Pray first. Realign myself with God. What has He called me to? Have I been distracted? Are my goals His goals? Have I asked Him if He even wants me on second base, or the pitcher's mound- more fame, better sounding/paying job, more money. OR..... Did I take off without Him full of pride in the thought of where I COULD be - and WHO I would be- in the eyes of those around me? Only to find myself overwhelmed, exhausted, in bondage covered in anxiety and stress?

So, although my son has been called to move up to second base, it is still so important to help him remember the outfield. And as I stand for this season in the 'outfield' I rest in the knowledge that I am exactly where God needs and wants me, and I am learning so very much as I support the infield players in my life, in my home, in my work, and in my church. 

So thankful for this beautiful view from the outfield!

Worship God with our bodies

Today I was OVERWHELMED by God speaking to me- reminding me of all that is important- nothing in my life is more important than worship and sharing God's love, grace, and mercy. Nothing. Period.

What I have come to realize is that movement is part of worship. Dancing, jumping, kneeling, hands in the air, etc- all forms of worship. I personally was made to move. No doubt about it- even when my eyes are closed my body is in motion (anyone that has stood next to me during corporate prayer knows this!). 

I am grateful for my ability to move. 

I am SO thankful for being able to use every part of my body every single day. There are those less fortunate - those with permanent injuries, birth defects, progressive diseases, etc., that make them unable to move in the ways I take for granted daily. 

So I have been at an ALS conference and from the very first person that stood up to speak- a doctor from the UK- I KNEW God was reminding me of not only all I have, but also what I have been taking for granted lately and not using. 

By lunchtime at the conference I was mentally and emotionally overwhelmed by all God was saying to me - speaking directly to me about my worship. I was created for movement but have not been utilizing that precious gift. He reminded me I was called to more than watching TV or playing on my phone, or even just riding the lawn mower - I am called to move. 

At lunch we had another speaker - to say I didn't want to listen to a speaker during my lunchbreak is an understatement. But, God knew He had my attention and he used the next person to drive His point home with me. 

The speakers name was Kevin Turner. Personally I had never heard of Kevin Turner despite where I am from and the fact that my husband loves all forms of football. Turns out he is a former Tide player that went on to play eight seasons in the NFL. Because of his position he had multiple concussions. 

Now keep in mind I was at an ALS conference - I had no idea concussions could be a factor in ALS.

ALS is fast moving. It is progressive in nature and to this date no cure has been found. No truly viable way to slow its progression has been identified either. It is very difficult to diagnose because it looks like other illnesses and disorders. 

Kevin was diagnosed in 2009. The video they did was 2011 and now we are in 2013. 

It has progressed so much. He can't hold his head up without support, he has very little use of his left arm, he has assistance to walk distances. His speech is likened to a drunk person trying to act sober and although his breathing was not addressed I imagine he has a bi-pap machine for when he sleeps. 

Now his body may look and sound disabled, but his spirit is not! 

I listened in awe as he joked with us, was honest with us, and allowed himself to be an audible and visible example of what living with this devastating and progressive disease does to a person and their family. 

He is full of joy and hope. He trusts God for his healing that is coming he said, and he believes he was placed here to bring attention to ALS.

Take a moment when you can and watch his documentary called. 'American Man'.

Also watch the video 'Journey On/Kevin Turner and ALS'.

Just as it is Kevin's calling to share this disease with others, I believe God was reiterating to me that my body has been gifted with movement and I have a true love for it. So how am I using this? Am I squandering it or sharing it? 

God will hold us each accountable for gifts and opportunities given to us - NOT to better ourselves - but instead to better the lives of those God brings to us. Our families, our communities, etc. 

Were we like the ones in Matthew 25 starting in verse 14- 'The Parable of the Talents(or bags of gold in some translations)'.

Are we taking what we have been entrusted with and doing even more? Or, are we hiding it? Out of fear, laziness, lack of vision, etc?

I want to be one that hears, 'Well done faithful servant!' I want Jesus to look and see how His gift in me has been multiplied to those around me.

I want to share movement as a form of worship.