New week. New opportunities.

Today begins a new week for me. The beginning of a new chapter in life. I am very nervous but so excited! I know God has ordained this and cannot wait to see all He has planned! 

I believe walking in the way of Christ we are more likely to encounter 'push back' and obstacles. These look different for all, but I personally try and evaluate what I believe to be God's call on my life and line it up to His word and His role for me in my family. If what I think I am supposed to be doing doesn't line up with His word and His call on my life as a wife and mom first, then I am probably not hearing God, but instead following my own desires.

Funny, but a good friend affirmed this for me yesterday. She encouraged making lists. 'Family, Ministry, Work'

If it doesn't fit in then it needs to be out :) 

So perfect.

This past Thursday I was headed home to get my daughter to go lead ZUMBA and hit a pothole and busted my tire. I was on a busy back road but nowhere to really pull off that was flat and I ended up in a driveway in an area with no cell coverage. 

So thankfully God sent a man named Bo. He went back down his driveway got his professional tools and had my tire changed in mere minutes. All it took was prayer. First I did what I know to do - call someone - husband, roadside assistance, etc- but when calls wouldn't go through I became frustrated. Cars flying by- no one even thinking of stopping and me really panicking because I can't even let my class know. 

Well, although it should have been my first resort, I did finally speak a prayer - and up the long drive came Bo. 

So thankful for him- and even got to class but only five minutes late!

The next day after many calls, I had it worked out to take my car to get the tire fixed. It's about a 20 min drive with four good tires, so took longer with my gimp tire. 

I'm sitting at a red light and lo and behold I am rammed from behind. 

One year old car. 

Not a happy camper. Couldn't think except to call police. I think I truly understand shock. Just couldn't get passed I was sitting at a red light, minding my own business, and WHAM!

Minor injuries to my neck, right shoulder and right arm, but otherwise ok. 

Blessed but not fully able to comprehend how blessed. So very thankful my kids were not with me. So very thankful she tried to make it around me when she realized she was going to hit me - so very thankful the car in front of me had already moved forward at the green light. But also SO mad. 

Seriously- could not believe I was hit. So not happy.

As the week has worn on I have been spared- I truly believe- from two other wrecks. Tuesday- had to go get the police report. Coming back there was a MAJOR wreck with ambulances, an 18 wheeler and five cars- one upside down in the road. It happened where I was not even 15 min earlier! Had I taken the time for breakfast or even a little make up that could have been me. 

The next day I did bother with make up. Still feeling not great I was running late. That made me miss the wreck at my exit for my office! Praise The Lord! 

There have been other things this week - the 'push back' I was told to expect. Wow. It has been a stressful week, but as I sit here finishing this entry I am also reminded that although the week was rough -and not over- my God is AwEsOmE! He has been more than faithful. For every attack the enemy has tried to destroy my path with, God has put in side roads to take right in time. No joke.

From formula for my son, to protection, to friends helping out, to a great insurance company, and on and on. 

Just when... There He was!

So, I have not given up. My homework for class isn't done, but I am further than

I was. My prayer life has increased. Reading Nehamiah has been great, along with the book, Radical. Very very challenging to me. Love that God is shaking things up! 

I KNOW I am walking exactly where I am supposed to be!

Here is to the next week coming!

Colossians 3:2 

Set your heart on things above, not on things of this earth.

AMEN!

Just Right

I don't know about you, but I have struggled for what seems like a lifetime of 'becoming' what I am 'supposed to be'. That encompasses my degree, my job, my weight, my parenting, and my marriage. 

I have been on a recent journey of internal transformation. At moments I look back over these past four years and think, 'wow, look at how different I am.' Looks are one thing, but the heart is what matters. I look at my outside and am dissatisfied. There is ALWAYS room for improvement. There is ALWAYS more to learn, do, and become. I believe God places dreams in us that we then have to decide, 'am I gonna believe or am I gonna decide before even trying?' 

Too often I decide before trying- leaving no room for faith. I name it 'practicality' or 'experience'. But really it's simply fear - and fear is the absence of faith. 

God has been preparing me for my next phase. As my kids are growing, and in some ways needing me less, but other ways needing me so much more, I find myself restless. 

So, I transform rooms inside my head within my home- have now actually done one for real :). I imagine rearrangement and new paint colors- I scour Pinterest for idea supports- and dream. 

Of course putting these dreams into reality costs actual money. Money is here because my husband and I both work, but there are always other priorities. Little things like Tate's formula, thickener, doctor appts and medications, gas for the cars, and all the activities the kids are involved in. Of course then there are clothes, shoes, undergarments, etc. (I mean seriously- how fast they grow!) 

Soooo, since total redo of the inside of my house is out - and yes, I am an ALL or NOTHING personality- then my restless focus shifts to jobs. 

Social work is the profession I am in. There is SO much about the politics I don't mesh with - the liberal slant, etc. So thankfully God has allowed me a job with a Christian focus. Why am I restless you ask? Because I think the 'whole' person - or system- is what should be looked at for true change to occur. Unfortunately that really doesn't work. I recognize on most days that I am a conduit for God to work through. Other days I try and be the 'power source' for that change. Um, yeah. Doesn't work that way either. Despite the giftings God has given me - please sit for this revelation- I am NOT God. I cannot fix the worlds hurts, keep people from committing suicide, get them to make lasting changes in parenting styles or personal choices. And wonder of wonders I can't even get them to like each other. 

So, I try and remember my role. Try and not overstep God and wait. I get impatient. Thankfully God gives me other outlets and is EXTREMELY patient with me. As arrogant as I sound I really am not. I still believe I'm not enough. That there is 'more' I am to do or become. 

During all this I still have dreams and struggles and triumphs and setbacks - heart breaks and heart revelations so to speak. 

God puts sweet and powerful reminders in my path in the form of my children so often. I forget that I REALLY am 'training them up in the way they should go' as instructed in the Bible. My desire is that they are trained to seek God first in ALL things- that they allow the Holy Spirit room to grow and with inside them, and that the fruits of the spirit would be OVERFLOWING!! Oh how I desire these things. 

They are WONDERFUL kids. Loving, hardworking, beautiful inside and out, and they really do love God personally. They are smart, funny, gifted, and personable. They have common sense and a degree of wisdom that sometimes catches me off guard. They embrace life and believe in dreams. I am so blessed. 

So God used Tate to knock me upside my head yesterday. We were shopping at a local thrift store for back to school clothes, and I found a pair of pants I loved. They were Ralph Lauren, linen, floral and SO ME. The size wasn't though. The size was a 12 and if you know linen, it's NOT a forgiving material. There is NO stretch. So I stood there debating with myself about how much I would need to lose and how many squats and lunges I would need to complete to get my rear in those pants. 

Tate looks at me and says, 'what are you doing?' I told him I like the pants but was trying to decide if I need to take them home as my 'goal' pants. He said, 'goal pants? You mean like you have to do something to wear them?' Yep. Exactly. In his ten year old wisdom Tate says to me, 'that's kind of ridiculous. You don't need to do something for those- you don't need those because you are just right like you are. When will you know that?' 

I know it sounds like a smart aleck remark, but his tone was so not. I stood there holding those pants as his words sank in and really took hold. 

WHY was I never satisfied? WHY do I always think I need to be smaller, do more or be different? 

Out of the mouth of babes. 

So, as I have chewed on this for 24+ hours, I have come to the conclusion - probably the same conclusion I have had before, but I hear it differently this time- that now IS the time. What am I waiting for? God doesn't need me to be smaller, a better mother or wife, or even the fixer of everyone's problems. He just loves me like I am, where I am. He can accomplish the dreams He has given me JUST LIKE I AM. No more - no less. 

He will change whatever needs to be refined- He who began a good work will be FAITHFUL to complete it. All I have to do is have faith - not fear- to believe that He will - and I don't need to 'change' me to be used- I just need to give Him my willingness. 

Wisdom comes from the most interesting places. My ten year old is just one of the mouthpieces God has used to get my attention. 

So blessed!!

Under Construction

I have to try and get out all that is being revealed in my spirit. Four years ago I began this journey into health through fitness. God placed a dream - a huge dream that felt oh so silly to a fatty like me- to one day be able to lead other women in their personal goals of fitness. This road has contained some MAJOR ups and downs, but God has allowed me to walk into that dream- my problem is that I haven't even realized I AM walking in it. I DO lead other women in their plan for fitness - I HAVE gotten certified and have been given the awesome opportunity to walk with these ladies along their own roads. I am literally living that dream. 

Does it look like I thought it would? No. Do I look like I thought I would by now? Um, no. 

Do I believe this is it? No! 

My spirit is stirred and I am excited! 

I know that while the road is not always easy, God's strength is PERFECT in my weakness. 

'God uses the foolish to confound the wise'. I know He is with me - doesn't matter if my knowledge and ability are perfect at any given time - all He asks is obedience and He does the rest! 

I love what He has already done in me, and am so thankful He isn't finished! 

There is more to come!

The following are pictures of the work in progress (on the outside- hopefully my heart shines through no matter what the outside looks like!)

The first picture is 2008 - one year before this journey began. 

The second is from last night before I led ZUMBA

ALL praise to God! 

Life from the waiting room...

My eldest daughter can spout so many random facts about so many things I have joked we need to put her on Jeopardy. For instance: the average time spent at red lights is 6 months of your life, and did you know that your saliva could fill up 12 swimming pools?? I am telling you- her list goes on. 

That made me wonder, 'what is the average time spent in doctor's waiting rooms?' Unfortunately that number would vary DRASTICALLY for each person and/or family. 

Me? I spend an average of probably 3 hours a week in waiting rooms if you figure up all appts from this last year for the five of us that I have been to. ENT, pediatrician, GI, surgery waiting, hematology, allergist, etc, etc, etc...

I should probably get out my checkbook and count up the actual number of visits and average time spent based on parking receipts- but I won't bog us down with those specifics :)

I am the type person that loves to strike up conversations with random people around me. My kids and husband sometimes get annoyed by this 'gift', but I also believe God is using me in some small way in these people's lives, but for sure I am usually blessed by them- so teaching this to my children (by example) is important to me. 

One example is my latest visit to my hematologist. Every time I go I am there for hours on end- and if I get an infusion then it is at least half a day. In these visits I have come to recognize certain body language and facial expressions on those waiting in the waiting room. There are those with many family members that have their diagnosis and have come to discuss options and treatment expectations. There are those that sit a little straighter with no reading material - a little more anxious than others because they got 'abnormal' results. There are those into their treatment but not yet comfortable - some even are still in the stage of anger (I have never been able to really get a conversation going with this group), and then there are those who are so so close to the end of treatment. There is a joy on their ashen face  a bounce in their step, and more often than not a really cool head covering because they have embraced their situation and no longer care about the lack of hair and eyebrows- stares don't bother them and usually they love answering questions and telling 'their story'. This group exudes a peace you would just need to observe. I really love visiting with this group of patients. 

As I talked with two women in the second and last group I described ( I just tried to be quiet around the family that was so sad and there with lots of family members to hear what 'Dad's' options were), I realized other waiting rooms are the exact same - and so is life. 

What I mean is we are all in one stage or another: we have just gotten the news and life is about to drastically change, we are sitting up straighter because of an intuition we have in our heart that 'some thing' is a little out of whack with us (physically, spiritually, etc.) and we are on alert as to what is coming next, we are burdened and sad because we are about to start- or are in the midst- of our 'treatment' and though the treatment can help us, it is painful, time consuming, and exhausting, and at times we think. 'Why bother?'. 

But, just like this waiting room, for those that DO stick with the treatment  we find ourselves eventually at peace. Not because a cure has been found, but because we have come to acceptance. Acceptance that life will never really be the same after this, acceptance that treatment can be painful, acceptance that our 'outside' (worldly values and physical gains) no longer hold that coveted place of importance- instead it is our inside that matters the most. The changes being made may not be noticeable to those around us, but WE know there is a difference, and when 'tests' come they allow us to sort of see a measurement of where we were, where we are, and maybe even how far we still have to go, but above all this we know we are stronger than we were when the process started. The strength may not be physical (our bodies take a little longer to catch up), but that strength is for sure in spirit and tenacity.  Our journey has been hard fought and we may not be done, but our peace is real because of the strength that has been given AND we are more likely to look at those 'patients' around us in life and be able to say, 'hey, hang on just a little longer - it may be hell now, but in our weakness He is strong, and He is always faithful, never changing, always waiting for us just to sit down and lean on Him, and in doing so we get a peace that passes ALL understanding, and the confidence to know that no matter what is headed our way- because of all we have learned we know- God's got this! (Just give it to Him)

Matthew 6:33-34

So, be kind to those that irritate you, look for the signs of where they might be, and then maybe move forward accordingly in engaging them...

My 'Wings'

One aspect of all the changes God is making in me is my eating. Over the past four years I have worked out consistently. Up until my back injury two years ago I was working out twice a day 6 days a week. Weight lifting and Zumba with kickboxing thrown in. Weights have been my 'go to' exercise as long as I can remember. In high school I would workout to Gil on TV(anyone remember Gil?) Weights I did on my own- then in college I even took a weightlifting course- hated the pain - loved the work :) 

Then one year about ten years ago I told my husband I really wanted to start again - so he bought me a weight bench and free weights. I did those consistently for about a month - but like soooo many things I get interested in, I soon became bored and that became neglected. 

So years go by- MANY diets and fads went through my life. I am so seriously educated on fitness and food that I really should be the most buff female around rockin' a HOT total cholesterol well under 200...

Alas, I am not. *sigh*

So, since it is not for lack of knowledge it stands to reason there is something 'wrong' with me, right? 

Like a disorder, or hereditary cause as to why I continue to fail at goals I set. 

Weeeeelllll, physically I could give you a plethora of the medical reasons losing weight is difficult for me - I can even tell you about my raging ADHD that 'assists' my ease at quitting and moving on. It has been an interesting joke that my marriage and parenting have been the only two things I have really stuck with more than two years... 

I found a job- or it found me- that I excelled at about twelve years ago. Despite my ability that job took its toll with the demands of family and a chronically ill child. So God moved me to a different place of employment and same type work on lesser scale. During that time at the other job I did no regular workouts, but did consistently 'discuss' weight loss, the how to's etc - also learned more about diff types of exercise- but still never consistently did anything. 

After the job change, kids were a little older, and a friend introduced me to ZUMBA. Fell. In. Love. 

I mean where else can I shake it to great music and burn massive calories??!! Wow! Changed my life. Then I added weights - started in a class called BodyPump. Oh how the love overflowed for this class also! It was like the best of both worlds, but if you made me choose it would be BodyPump. 

Knew God was going to use this for good - prayed about it and jumped in with both feet- literally. Got certified in ZUMBA. Looked into certification for BodyPump, but you had to be with a gym as an employee that was Les Mills certified, and to do that you would need to be ACE or AFAA certified. So I got my AFAA certification. 

But, right before that I injured my back which stopped my weightlifting - even stopped my teaching Zumba for a while. It was so hard. Then when I went back to BP I think depression set in. It was SO hard looking in those mirrors and seeing how quickly ALL my hard work had almost vanished as far as visible results after only 6 weeks. I truly mourned that. I even became angry that all of it had happened and sat reciting my list of 'if-only' when the realization would hit that I was basically starting over. I just could not wrap my brain around it. So like the person I had a history of being I quit. My back has never been the same, but my attitude could have been. Instead I just quit. I quit even trying - I ate and ate like it was my birthday every day. Soon I gained back all my weight. 

This past year - well really starting in October- I started trying to do other things. BodyFlow was something I started. That was good. It gave me an outlet from Zumba teaching and it therapeutically helped my back. Still, though I looked in the mirror unsatisfied. Back came the 'If-Onlies' again. 

I wanted my range of motion back as well as the definition and shape. 

And the thing I hated MOST to see looking back at me were my 'wings'. 

They jiggle and sway even if I have already stopped moving. Just disgusting. 

But, I had to put that aside and decide if I wanted to stay in my pity party or wanted to get back at 'it' with different tools. 

I decided it was time to fight again. 

Since then (Jan 14 to be exact) I have begun working out more consistently - for me- not just for class. I have actually started eating healthy (only since March though) and I started back with BodyPump(this time at home where there are no mirrors LOL)

It is all still in the infancy stages, but now when I look in the mirror I see what will be and focus on my thankfulness of  what isn't. I am not incapacitated, I am not in a wheel chair, and I am not terminally ill. So, I get up. I move what God gave me. This temple of His. Not just a number on a scale or a pair of pants, but His living, breathing, blessed creation - filled with the Holy Spirit! 

So I am looking at my 'wings' as I do my hair and realize I may never be rid of those, but I won't quit. I will look at those wings as a reminder of where I have been, and where I pray to stay away from. I will continue healthy patterns and not abuse my body with junk. I realize after all these years that yes, I do have medical issues that slow the process down of muscle building and fat loss, but DISCIPLINE is a tool that can get me much closer to my goals than all my excuses. 

So I will welcome discipline into my life, and I plan to use these 'wings' to allow God to help me soar in this next phase of my life and health. 

(I will be rockin' that under 200 cholesterol before you know it! As well as even smaller clothes, but more importantly I will do so for the benefit of God's Temple) 

1 Corinthians 6:12 'everything is permissible for me, but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible for me, but I will not be mastered by anything' NIV

2 Corinthians 5:17 'therefore, if any man is in Christ he is a new creation: old things are passed away; behold, all things are new' KJV

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 'don't you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives inside you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body.'