Life from the waiting room...

My eldest daughter can spout so many random facts about so many things I have joked we need to put her on Jeopardy. For instance: the average time spent at red lights is 6 months of your life, and did you know that your saliva could fill up 12 swimming pools?? I am telling you- her list goes on. 

That made me wonder, 'what is the average time spent in doctor's waiting rooms?' Unfortunately that number would vary DRASTICALLY for each person and/or family. 

Me? I spend an average of probably 3 hours a week in waiting rooms if you figure up all appts from this last year for the five of us that I have been to. ENT, pediatrician, GI, surgery waiting, hematology, allergist, etc, etc, etc...

I should probably get out my checkbook and count up the actual number of visits and average time spent based on parking receipts- but I won't bog us down with those specifics :)

I am the type person that loves to strike up conversations with random people around me. My kids and husband sometimes get annoyed by this 'gift', but I also believe God is using me in some small way in these people's lives, but for sure I am usually blessed by them- so teaching this to my children (by example) is important to me. 

One example is my latest visit to my hematologist. Every time I go I am there for hours on end- and if I get an infusion then it is at least half a day. In these visits I have come to recognize certain body language and facial expressions on those waiting in the waiting room. There are those with many family members that have their diagnosis and have come to discuss options and treatment expectations. There are those that sit a little straighter with no reading material - a little more anxious than others because they got 'abnormal' results. There are those into their treatment but not yet comfortable - some even are still in the stage of anger (I have never been able to really get a conversation going with this group), and then there are those who are so so close to the end of treatment. There is a joy on their ashen face  a bounce in their step, and more often than not a really cool head covering because they have embraced their situation and no longer care about the lack of hair and eyebrows- stares don't bother them and usually they love answering questions and telling 'their story'. This group exudes a peace you would just need to observe. I really love visiting with this group of patients. 

As I talked with two women in the second and last group I described ( I just tried to be quiet around the family that was so sad and there with lots of family members to hear what 'Dad's' options were), I realized other waiting rooms are the exact same - and so is life. 

What I mean is we are all in one stage or another: we have just gotten the news and life is about to drastically change, we are sitting up straighter because of an intuition we have in our heart that 'some thing' is a little out of whack with us (physically, spiritually, etc.) and we are on alert as to what is coming next, we are burdened and sad because we are about to start- or are in the midst- of our 'treatment' and though the treatment can help us, it is painful, time consuming, and exhausting, and at times we think. 'Why bother?'. 

But, just like this waiting room, for those that DO stick with the treatment  we find ourselves eventually at peace. Not because a cure has been found, but because we have come to acceptance. Acceptance that life will never really be the same after this, acceptance that treatment can be painful, acceptance that our 'outside' (worldly values and physical gains) no longer hold that coveted place of importance- instead it is our inside that matters the most. The changes being made may not be noticeable to those around us, but WE know there is a difference, and when 'tests' come they allow us to sort of see a measurement of where we were, where we are, and maybe even how far we still have to go, but above all this we know we are stronger than we were when the process started. The strength may not be physical (our bodies take a little longer to catch up), but that strength is for sure in spirit and tenacity.  Our journey has been hard fought and we may not be done, but our peace is real because of the strength that has been given AND we are more likely to look at those 'patients' around us in life and be able to say, 'hey, hang on just a little longer - it may be hell now, but in our weakness He is strong, and He is always faithful, never changing, always waiting for us just to sit down and lean on Him, and in doing so we get a peace that passes ALL understanding, and the confidence to know that no matter what is headed our way- because of all we have learned we know- God's got this! (Just give it to Him)

Matthew 6:33-34

So, be kind to those that irritate you, look for the signs of where they might be, and then maybe move forward accordingly in engaging them...

My 'Wings'

One aspect of all the changes God is making in me is my eating. Over the past four years I have worked out consistently. Up until my back injury two years ago I was working out twice a day 6 days a week. Weight lifting and Zumba with kickboxing thrown in. Weights have been my 'go to' exercise as long as I can remember. In high school I would workout to Gil on TV(anyone remember Gil?) Weights I did on my own- then in college I even took a weightlifting course- hated the pain - loved the work :) 

Then one year about ten years ago I told my husband I really wanted to start again - so he bought me a weight bench and free weights. I did those consistently for about a month - but like soooo many things I get interested in, I soon became bored and that became neglected. 

So years go by- MANY diets and fads went through my life. I am so seriously educated on fitness and food that I really should be the most buff female around rockin' a HOT total cholesterol well under 200...

Alas, I am not. *sigh*

So, since it is not for lack of knowledge it stands to reason there is something 'wrong' with me, right? 

Like a disorder, or hereditary cause as to why I continue to fail at goals I set. 

Weeeeelllll, physically I could give you a plethora of the medical reasons losing weight is difficult for me - I can even tell you about my raging ADHD that 'assists' my ease at quitting and moving on. It has been an interesting joke that my marriage and parenting have been the only two things I have really stuck with more than two years... 

I found a job- or it found me- that I excelled at about twelve years ago. Despite my ability that job took its toll with the demands of family and a chronically ill child. So God moved me to a different place of employment and same type work on lesser scale. During that time at the other job I did no regular workouts, but did consistently 'discuss' weight loss, the how to's etc - also learned more about diff types of exercise- but still never consistently did anything. 

After the job change, kids were a little older, and a friend introduced me to ZUMBA. Fell. In. Love. 

I mean where else can I shake it to great music and burn massive calories??!! Wow! Changed my life. Then I added weights - started in a class called BodyPump. Oh how the love overflowed for this class also! It was like the best of both worlds, but if you made me choose it would be BodyPump. 

Knew God was going to use this for good - prayed about it and jumped in with both feet- literally. Got certified in ZUMBA. Looked into certification for BodyPump, but you had to be with a gym as an employee that was Les Mills certified, and to do that you would need to be ACE or AFAA certified. So I got my AFAA certification. 

But, right before that I injured my back which stopped my weightlifting - even stopped my teaching Zumba for a while. It was so hard. Then when I went back to BP I think depression set in. It was SO hard looking in those mirrors and seeing how quickly ALL my hard work had almost vanished as far as visible results after only 6 weeks. I truly mourned that. I even became angry that all of it had happened and sat reciting my list of 'if-only' when the realization would hit that I was basically starting over. I just could not wrap my brain around it. So like the person I had a history of being I quit. My back has never been the same, but my attitude could have been. Instead I just quit. I quit even trying - I ate and ate like it was my birthday every day. Soon I gained back all my weight. 

This past year - well really starting in October- I started trying to do other things. BodyFlow was something I started. That was good. It gave me an outlet from Zumba teaching and it therapeutically helped my back. Still, though I looked in the mirror unsatisfied. Back came the 'If-Onlies' again. 

I wanted my range of motion back as well as the definition and shape. 

And the thing I hated MOST to see looking back at me were my 'wings'. 

They jiggle and sway even if I have already stopped moving. Just disgusting. 

But, I had to put that aside and decide if I wanted to stay in my pity party or wanted to get back at 'it' with different tools. 

I decided it was time to fight again. 

Since then (Jan 14 to be exact) I have begun working out more consistently - for me- not just for class. I have actually started eating healthy (only since March though) and I started back with BodyPump(this time at home where there are no mirrors LOL)

It is all still in the infancy stages, but now when I look in the mirror I see what will be and focus on my thankfulness of  what isn't. I am not incapacitated, I am not in a wheel chair, and I am not terminally ill. So, I get up. I move what God gave me. This temple of His. Not just a number on a scale or a pair of pants, but His living, breathing, blessed creation - filled with the Holy Spirit! 

So I am looking at my 'wings' as I do my hair and realize I may never be rid of those, but I won't quit. I will look at those wings as a reminder of where I have been, and where I pray to stay away from. I will continue healthy patterns and not abuse my body with junk. I realize after all these years that yes, I do have medical issues that slow the process down of muscle building and fat loss, but DISCIPLINE is a tool that can get me much closer to my goals than all my excuses. 

So I will welcome discipline into my life, and I plan to use these 'wings' to allow God to help me soar in this next phase of my life and health. 

(I will be rockin' that under 200 cholesterol before you know it! As well as even smaller clothes, but more importantly I will do so for the benefit of God's Temple) 

1 Corinthians 6:12 'everything is permissible for me, but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible for me, but I will not be mastered by anything' NIV

2 Corinthians 5:17 'therefore, if any man is in Christ he is a new creation: old things are passed away; behold, all things are new' KJV

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 'don't you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives inside you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body.'

Beach break

So as I sit here on my second day of our beach vacation, I reflect on God's blessings and His timing. 

This trip is a huge blessing. This is the first time as a family that we haven't been with another family or at the cheapest of cheap places to stay. By cheap I truly mean just that- hard beds, doors that don't close, nasty carpet, etc. I will say those trips brought out the best and worst of me and mine. 

We worked hard for this trip- my husband's overtime (which takes its toll on us all, but a blessing at the same time), leading Zumba classes despite how I felt that evening, and paying off some debt before we were comfortable 'treating' ourselves. 

All that made this trip just a little sweeter for me. 

Don't get me wrong, we have been so very very blessed with great friends, and family through the years that have split the cost, shared their wealth and space, with us so we could have a vacation. We have cherished every one. 

My kids are older, my marriage is in a different place, and I like to think I am more mature :) These blessings continue to flow. I don't EVER want to take God's favor on me, my kids, or my family and marriage, for granted. I pray I continue to grow, be thankful, and 'pay it forward' as it is given to me. 

So on this trip God has given me beauty in my environment, money to enjoy it, and protection in all we do. 

Joel 2:25 "and I will restore to you all the years the locust have eaten..."

So thankful

I have said it before, but it bears repeating. While my childhood may not have been 'ideal' compared to the majority around me at the time, I was SO blessed to grow up in the town I did, with the family I did, and with the wisdom of Christian leaders around me. Someone put a poster up at United Way that said, 'It takes a village to raise up a child' This is so very true. 

There is still so much room for growth and improvement but there are a few things 'right' about me also. I credit this to my foundation. My foundation in a church filled with real people that love Jesus. These people gave of their time and talents to feed into me. Paul M. and my grandmother M. fostered my love of music (although I can't carry a tune in a bucket). Music is to this day, one Lana and Curtiss and Linda (and countless others) gave of their time to not only lead the musicals that fed my naturally dramatic flare, but reinforced music as a conduit of God's love. 

In my youth group there were Sunday school leaders, pastor's wives, friend's parents, and many more, that spent countless hours teaching and encouraging me, listening to me, mentoring me and cheering me on. They kept me grounded when I was irrational(remember that dramatic flare?). Because of these men and women I understand the importance of Bible study and memorization, of listening to immature teenagers that feel 'this' is SO important! Of giving back despite what my job or family obligations are - but to always keep life in order, God, family, friends. 

Watching my mom and the mom's put in front of me growing up, has shaped the mother I am today. While I am not perfect, my heart is pure. I want only the best for my kids. I want them to love Jesus, share Jesus' love, and be counted on by those around them. 

I want them to always do their best, admit mistakes and take personal responsibility at all times. I want them to know there is a whole other world 'out there' beyond themselves, their clothes, their social groups, and their town. I pray they always appreciate the little things but expect the big things in life. 

As a wife I probably struggle the most. Not because of negative experiences, but  because I can only consciously think of one couple that took time to verbally demonstrate - as well as living this out- what God called a wife to be. Or what the idea is of a Biblical wife. My mom did this, but was overshadowed by her divorce. I can see now that she did live out what the Bible calls us to as a wife to the best of her ability. There were even women in my church that were betrayed by their spouse, but chose to stay and work through it. I used to think, 'I would never...' Well, not that my spouse has cheated, but the struggles we have had have been varied and many. God has used the foundation I was given to keep me planted as the storms have RAGED from around me, but also inside me. I stand here, almost 17 years into marriage and think of so many should have, would haves, could haves and if onlys. But I also stand in the knowledge that 'He who began a good work IS faithful to complete it'. Whether its my parenting, my marriage, my life in general - I know that God has this! No matter how badly I may 'feel' I am screwing things up with my husband or my children, I rest in His promise that He is making something wonderful as my heart and steps continue to follow him.

So thankful for my 'village'!

Growing up

I know with the school year coming to an end, both girls getting braces off, one learning to drive, and my youngest no longer believing in Santa or any of his guardian crew it is normal to reflect - and I am no different, that is what I am doing.

There are moments that forever 'mark' our lives - they are good moments and unfortunately there are also 'bad' moments. It could be a death, job loss, move, etc. I think back over these last four years and consider not only what moments have effected me, but also my kids, my marriage, my extended family, etc. 

Some of our highlights have been: 

Layoff, death of grandfather(mine), my mother's incapacitation, foot surgery, husband's relapse, death of MIL, MIL illness, financial issues, separation, kids succeeding in school and friendships, favor with employment, worsening of food allergies, hearing issues, personal back injury, chronic pain in my husbands body, maturation of my kids, ripping apart of my sibling relationships- and now some restoration of that. And like your list I am sure, mine could go on. 

I think back over the awesome favor of God in my life, the life of my children, and my husband - not to say we have had it easy breezy, but I am so definitely sure things could have been worse. 

As I feel like spring is continuing inside me I get all giddy. 

I have been in 'winter' for a long time it seems. Sort of like a soldier with PTSD. Just kind of going through the motions, thankful, but also waiting for that next atom bomb. 

For whatever reason God is choosing now to again, shake up my ground - pour out His life water, and start my regrowth after dormancy. I had moments this past fall, but allowed myself to hibernate once again. 

This post does not suffice all that is happening inside my heart and life, but please know - 'To God Be ALL the glory!!' I take nothing for granted. Not my marriage, my children, my job, friends, nothing. 

As a side note this 'shake up' includes my battle with the enemy where food and sugar and breads are concerned. It is so true what the Bible says, 'resist the devil and he will flee'. There are days his persuasion is SO strong and just exactly what my flesh believes is needed, but each time I have resisted his uncanny timing, I have become spiritually stronger in this area! It is also true what Proverbs says, where there is no plan, the people perish'. This is not speaking just to finances or tomorrow- or even to the coming of a digital shutdown that could cripple our lives. No, this speaks to every area- especially our own specific 'soft spot' so to speak. I am learning every day the fine art of preparation. 

Daily I try and confess God's word and promises over me, my marriage, and my family. Romans 14:7

Be blessed!