Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Getting even more real...
It has been more than a year since I have posted anything on here. Mainly because my life was chaos for so very many months and I was just treading water. I want to testify to the awesomeness of God. He is always faithful - always providing - always present. I have had moments in the past year that I have wondered if He cared, heard me, etc - then I would be very reminded that, yes - He was hearing, seeing, caring, etc - Then I would end up in a place of just personally not caring if He cared about me and my situation at all. Very much like a child not getting their way and wanting to pack it all in and go home. Those are the moments I KNOW he had to be patiently standing beside me - much like a parent does to a stubborn toddler - waiting for me to reach for his hand as I stumbled over the "mess" I left out. Too often I know I balled up my fists, screwed up my face, and folded my arms into myself and said, "I can do this". He still waited. Never walked off. I don't think he laughed - probably smiled at times - but only a smile of tolerant patience.
Despite my personal trials - the marriage problems, my husbands' issues, and the stress of managing three children, a house, jobs, etc - I do know that in the end there is still me. There are still things God is wanting me to allow Him to work out - make stronger or get rid of - refine and even some that he wants to restore. What I have witnessed in my marriage is nothing short of amazing - what I have witnessed in the lives of my children reminds me of just how very blessed I am - and then I look at how humble my husband had to become to allow God to work in his life and I stand back in AWE of what God can do - especially when we allow it to happen.
So that makes me wonder why I try and screw it all up? Why do I feel a need to not be satisfied with what is - or what I have or where I am in life? Why do I allow myself to get trapped in this world of doubt, condemnation, fear, "this is too good to be true" type thinking, or even the trap of comparing myself and my blessings and my faith walk and all to what I see in others' lives?
Admitting this all happens makes me feel very very small. Not only that, but, when I admit the things I think, then I don't like myself much.
Then I wonder -are there others?
Like when I had post partum depression after my first child - I had NO IDEA what was wrong with me. I just knew something was - and I didn't feel I could admit I didn't like my child or myself or my husband for that matter - because "oh my gosh!" what "mother" doesn't like their precious newborn? What new mom doesn't like their new life? That perfect Norman Rockwell painting where mom and dad are together adoring the child as it coos up at them?
If God didn't place Oprah Winfrey on this earth for any other reason - I thank him for placing her here to have the show with women that spoke about post partum depression, its signs, symptoms, and real life examples - and for our ABC channel rerunning her show after midnight when I was up with a screaming child to see it - I do believe it helped (along with a mom willing to talk at any given time) save my child.
So - maybe there are others - those out there that wonder "am I the only one that feels this way?" In regards to their life and spiritual life - I know I am an all or nothing person - I have such terrible difficulty with a middle ground - if I can't succeed (my definition) at what I try then I'm not supposed to do it - right? so in response to that I usually go COMPLETELY off the other end of the spectrum. I end up eating everything I can get - or going and getting more - or I quit what I set out to do - a book, Bible study, class, project, etc - then I REALLY feel as though not only have I failed myself - and God, but I lived down to what some have said in the past. That I don't "ever" finish what I start - that I don't see things through - that I don't think things through I just jump in.
It gets to be overwhelming and frustrating - I want to parent well - be a good wife - and most of all be a good example of God's love and kindness. But when I am thinking and feeling all these other things I don't think I am being a good example of anything to anybody - and the Lord KNOWS I cannot stand to be fake.
So, my natural instinct is to withdraw into myself - I am not succeeding at what is in front to me - so let's stop doing all this and just stay home - kind of withdrawal. OR I think - oh! I need another Bible study - cause if I know more and learn more then surely I will be different and be able to do more and do better next time - right?
OR - I fantasize about being that "perfect" size with that "perfect home" (not a different house - just one that is COMPLETELY organized and clean and freshly painted), or about "being home" and taking care of my kids, the house, the groceries the everything - and then I get somewhat jealous and then comes the self recrimination for being ungrateful for ALL I have been blessed with and so on and so on....
Anybody else?
Despite my personal trials - the marriage problems, my husbands' issues, and the stress of managing three children, a house, jobs, etc - I do know that in the end there is still me. There are still things God is wanting me to allow Him to work out - make stronger or get rid of - refine and even some that he wants to restore. What I have witnessed in my marriage is nothing short of amazing - what I have witnessed in the lives of my children reminds me of just how very blessed I am - and then I look at how humble my husband had to become to allow God to work in his life and I stand back in AWE of what God can do - especially when we allow it to happen.
So that makes me wonder why I try and screw it all up? Why do I feel a need to not be satisfied with what is - or what I have or where I am in life? Why do I allow myself to get trapped in this world of doubt, condemnation, fear, "this is too good to be true" type thinking, or even the trap of comparing myself and my blessings and my faith walk and all to what I see in others' lives?
Admitting this all happens makes me feel very very small. Not only that, but, when I admit the things I think, then I don't like myself much.
Then I wonder -are there others?
Like when I had post partum depression after my first child - I had NO IDEA what was wrong with me. I just knew something was - and I didn't feel I could admit I didn't like my child or myself or my husband for that matter - because "oh my gosh!" what "mother" doesn't like their precious newborn? What new mom doesn't like their new life? That perfect Norman Rockwell painting where mom and dad are together adoring the child as it coos up at them?
If God didn't place Oprah Winfrey on this earth for any other reason - I thank him for placing her here to have the show with women that spoke about post partum depression, its signs, symptoms, and real life examples - and for our ABC channel rerunning her show after midnight when I was up with a screaming child to see it - I do believe it helped (along with a mom willing to talk at any given time) save my child.
So - maybe there are others - those out there that wonder "am I the only one that feels this way?" In regards to their life and spiritual life - I know I am an all or nothing person - I have such terrible difficulty with a middle ground - if I can't succeed (my definition) at what I try then I'm not supposed to do it - right? so in response to that I usually go COMPLETELY off the other end of the spectrum. I end up eating everything I can get - or going and getting more - or I quit what I set out to do - a book, Bible study, class, project, etc - then I REALLY feel as though not only have I failed myself - and God, but I lived down to what some have said in the past. That I don't "ever" finish what I start - that I don't see things through - that I don't think things through I just jump in.
It gets to be overwhelming and frustrating - I want to parent well - be a good wife - and most of all be a good example of God's love and kindness. But when I am thinking and feeling all these other things I don't think I am being a good example of anything to anybody - and the Lord KNOWS I cannot stand to be fake.
So, my natural instinct is to withdraw into myself - I am not succeeding at what is in front to me - so let's stop doing all this and just stay home - kind of withdrawal. OR I think - oh! I need another Bible study - cause if I know more and learn more then surely I will be different and be able to do more and do better next time - right?
OR - I fantasize about being that "perfect" size with that "perfect home" (not a different house - just one that is COMPLETELY organized and clean and freshly painted), or about "being home" and taking care of my kids, the house, the groceries the everything - and then I get somewhat jealous and then comes the self recrimination for being ungrateful for ALL I have been blessed with and so on and so on....
Anybody else?
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
God's Direction
** this post was originally written in 2011_ just never published - mainly because putting my dreams out there might be a little daunting. Oh well.**
God's Direction is an interesting verb.
I have given much thought and devoted much prayer and many prayer requests to what God's direction is for me, my family, and my life.
Just when I think I know, something else comes up.
I should be an EXPERT in being content in all situations, but evidently I am missing a few classes and am repeating the course often.HAHAHAHA!!
Personally I don't always find it amusing, but today it is - I learned recently that Paul had his conversion experience 20 YEARS prior to being able to claim contentment in "all" situations.
This gives me such HOPE for myself! WoooHooo!
I have recently been in a season - and in some ways I think I still am - of God just having me learn to be still. To be still and draw near. Interesting that I know the EXACT date I was given the verse Matthew 6:33 - July 9, 2011. This time of learning has been VERY good and also painful in ways.
I am ecstatic to report that God is AMAZING. All the time. Never failing - always providing - patiently waiting. Loving, Loving, Loving.
So, as I am taking what I have learned and putting it into action - I am drawn back to something He laid on my heart months and months ago.
To use fitness as a ministry. Not just ZUMBA, but fitness in general. To become further certified and pursue the dream of owning my own place for others to come. Not just others for working out - but to lead their classes, lead their parties, lead their group. I don't know all that it will entail, but I do know Christ will be center. I can't even fully put into words what is in my heart, but I know when the time is right and the season (so to speak ) is right that everything will come together. I am so excited!
Just when I think I know, something else comes up.
I should be an EXPERT in being content in all situations, but evidently I am missing a few classes and am repeating the course often.HAHAHAHA!!
Personally I don't always find it amusing, but today it is - I learned recently that Paul had his conversion experience 20 YEARS prior to being able to claim contentment in "all" situations.
This gives me such HOPE for myself! WoooHooo!
I have recently been in a season - and in some ways I think I still am - of God just having me learn to be still. To be still and draw near. Interesting that I know the EXACT date I was given the verse Matthew 6:33 - July 9, 2011. This time of learning has been VERY good and also painful in ways.
I am ecstatic to report that God is AMAZING. All the time. Never failing - always providing - patiently waiting. Loving, Loving, Loving.
So, as I am taking what I have learned and putting it into action - I am drawn back to something He laid on my heart months and months ago.
To use fitness as a ministry. Not just ZUMBA, but fitness in general. To become further certified and pursue the dream of owning my own place for others to come. Not just others for working out - but to lead their classes, lead their parties, lead their group. I don't know all that it will entail, but I do know Christ will be center. I can't even fully put into words what is in my heart, but I know when the time is right and the season (so to speak ) is right that everything will come together. I am so excited!
Monday, January 17, 2011
I've got a BIG MOUTH and I am not afraid to use it!
This weekend I was so honored to be able to spend great time with friends and family at my home church's final homecoming. I realized - once again - not only how much we all put on faces for one another - sometimes out of self protection - and most always out of necessity - I mean - my word! - "what if?" You know what I mean, "what if they knew the truth of what is really going on? would they care or just talk? would they really pray? would they take a small joy in my pain?" That is what the devil wants us all to believe - that way we do not band together in prayer for one another.
This, to me, is a combination of pride - which is sinful and brings destruction according to His word. It is also part fear. Fear of speaking it, fear of fallout from people knowing our personal truths, etc. But, I have come to believe that the verse that speaks of two being better than one and a strand of three not being easily broken is so 'en pointe'. It is not just referring to our spouse or being married, but it is also referring to really standing beside our brother and sister in their pain - standing before God intervening for them and their situation. Joining with them, not only in prayer, but in honesty.
Through out my entire - almost two years - of "crisis" I had periods of withdrawing from everyone - times that I didn't dare want anyone to know what was really happening in my life. Then I had periods where I knew if I didn't have friends that could stand with me then I would probably make stupid, emotional, mistakes in my decisions. I had to come to identify what the enemy was accomplishing by me allowing pride and fear to be what my filter was.
This weekend I encountered some of my very best friends' from years ago in serious pain. Some I could just see in the eyes of those that didn't want to disclose anything, but others that shared. To say my heart is breaking for those I love is such an understatement. There is absolutely no joy in suffering but I do know that there is joy when we focus on Jesus in our suffering.
For me probably the most difficult thing to come to terms with has been that people are going to suffer and I cannot intervene physically in most cases. But my God is a God of healing and restoration!! I can definitely get down on my knees for each of them. There is strength that builds in the waiting. That time is perfect for growth - cracks are already there in our hearts, but then we get the turning of our heart's soil through the upheaval in life. Then IF we are actively searching for answers from God, He allows seeds to be given and I believe "take root". We just have to be careful that we spend good time allowing the right seeds to take root. Too often our misery brings about emotions that want to control our situation - this is where I have personally benefited from fasting. Fasting has allowed my "spirit man" to become stronger - and not just because I "abstain" from something during my period of fasting, but that I substitute that food or activity actively getting closer in my walk with Christ. I change things during that time period. I have come to see that putting God first brings life, but ignoring him or having him just 'on my list of to-do's' only brings heartache, pain, and sometimes even death to relationships or opportunities. Does that make sense?
So this weekend I was given the opportunity to help with people's burdens and pain. I believe my home church is a large reason for where I am today spiritually. The people God placed in my life at that church helped build a solid foundation in Christ for me in my life. I cannot begin to thank God enough for that or the people who volunteered their time and energy, food, and homes to those like me coming up in the church.
So, to my friends and family that are currently walking in the fire - please see that while I am not perfect, my family is not perfect, and I have NO IDEA what tomorrow holds - I do know that God is so very faithful to his word. God knows the situation each of us is in when we are in it and what the outcome will be depending on the choices we each make. USE the resources He has given. People around us - true prayer warriors, His word, sermons, and music - and especially the wisdom of those that have walked before us in similar situations. You will know how that person is doing - what kind of soil they are planted in - by the fruit they are producing.
What I failed to do this weekend was give Christ as much glory as I did ZUMBA and Body Pump. Those that know me individually know that the outward changes in me are ONLY a reflection of what Christ has been doing inside. So, for as many times as I was told, "you look great!" this weekend was such an opportunity to share Christs' life changing abilities - but I was afraid of coming across as too preachy, or a know-it-all, or prideful. God has used ZUMBA and Body Pump to accomplish on the outside what he has been doing on the inside - He has also used this journey into exercise to reaffirm to me, his "slower learning child" what he is capable of and what with him I am capable of.
So, watch out Satan! I am a changed creation of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ - and I have a VERY LOUD MOUTH! I will not miss the opportunity when asked again, "how did you do it?" to share EXACTLY how GOD has done it.
Romans 8:12-17
Sunday, November 28, 2010
My Heart
Dear Jesus,
I am writing this to you tonight - not because you aren't already aware, but because I believe transparency with myself and you is necessary to move on.
For months I have been letting a hurt to fester - actually one of many. That has allowed me to focus only on the negative about this person for a while now. It has been eating at me - my heart has literally been sick. I have stopped spending time with those i love most - I find fault with little things so easily, and I have allowed myself to pity my situation. After all - no matter how much those around me think they understand - they really can't - I have believed this - not only about them, but you also.
Jesus, please forgive me for my anger - please remove my bitterness. Please open my heart and eyes to view those around me with your love - through your eyes and with your compassion. Lord Jesus, please help me to allow myself to be loved by you. Truly loved.
I have thought I understood this at times- but today heard a message from our associate pastor that really started my heart opening. Granted - the enemy has been also fighting mightily for me to remain angry - and i have found more reasons - even today, despite my "resolve" not to.
Jesus, I have known for a long long time that I cannot go further in my life or my marriage without your help. Some days I am not sure I even want to. I have the Love Dare - got through it pretty well the first time, along with countless other books to "help" me with my marriage. Only to be hurt repeatedly. This August I think inside I truly reached a place that "broke". My heart broke, my desire to keep trying broke, my positive outlook on my situation broke and I feel broken inside. I have tried prayer, talking with others, singing, exercising - but most days I don't even want to get out of bed. I know you already know all of this - I guess I am just wondering when it will all "lift" so to speak. Then today in the message I heard him talking about you being strapped to the pole, on your knees - most likely naked - or at least shirtless - being whipped repeatedly with the "cat of nine tails" for me. You could have said, "Okay - enough" at like 27 like the pastor pointed out - you could have said, 'I think I have had enough' and quit. I know that you have the power - the angels were waiting just for that exactly I believe. But you didn't.
Do you know how much I can identify with that? I feel almost sick to my stomach likening what I am going through to what you endured, but thinking of the fact that you could have called it off but didn't - makes me stop and think about my own desire to give up - so very often. On my marriage, on my everything. Too often I hear myself asking, "what is the point?" What a weenie, huh?
And yet, once again I heard something today that I so desperately needed reminding of - not the, "you know God loves you", or "pray about it" or any of the other many well meaning things that have been said to me in meetings and by friends - those things are all true, but not what my heart needed. Today what I heard was that God sees me through the blood of Christ - the ULTIMATE rose colored glasses so to speak.
He sees the potential in me when I struggle to see anything.
I have so been mired in this anger, justified pity, and bitterness toward my husband that I have let it effect almost every other interaction I have had in the last four months.
I have been in such a deep pit of despair - I have cried more tears than I know what to do with - I have pressed on - praying and hoping - needing some sort of "sign".
I was almost convinced that I didn't deserve a sign- or anything else- since I couldn't "shake this off" and "let go and let God". This sounds so simple and yet this has been the absolute most difficult thing i have done in my life to date.
I have been steeped in fear - I have been ashamed of this and this has kept me down and held back. I have NOT been trusting God. I have not trusted his promises to me - although I repeat the verses like a mantra - I have only allowed the meaning to scratch the surface. Jesus, reading about what Paul said in Corinthians, Galatians and Ephesians tonight sealed it all for me. Nothing is an accident. Your word is my "sign". You have asked me to trust you - you suffered for me, bled for me, died for me and only wanted my love and devotion in return - but here i have been thinking only of myself - poor, pitiful me - how hard things have been, what if it all happens again?, what if I lose everything this time?, what if.....
You have been standing here the whole time - sometimes riding along side me in this battle - going ahead - fighting for me - sometimes carrying me - but never once have you left me - I just stopped looking for you - so caught up in myself I have been.
Please, Lord, forgive me. Help me TRULY understand and sit with how much you love me. Help me to see my potential through you - and if I can't - help me to never give up my faith in you and your Word. Finally, Jesus, please help me to see my husband as you do - the good that you see - the potential for us. I want a miracle this Christmas.
Love,
Me
I am writing this to you tonight - not because you aren't already aware, but because I believe transparency with myself and you is necessary to move on.
For months I have been letting a hurt to fester - actually one of many. That has allowed me to focus only on the negative about this person for a while now. It has been eating at me - my heart has literally been sick. I have stopped spending time with those i love most - I find fault with little things so easily, and I have allowed myself to pity my situation. After all - no matter how much those around me think they understand - they really can't - I have believed this - not only about them, but you also.
Jesus, please forgive me for my anger - please remove my bitterness. Please open my heart and eyes to view those around me with your love - through your eyes and with your compassion. Lord Jesus, please help me to allow myself to be loved by you. Truly loved.
I have thought I understood this at times- but today heard a message from our associate pastor that really started my heart opening. Granted - the enemy has been also fighting mightily for me to remain angry - and i have found more reasons - even today, despite my "resolve" not to.
Jesus, I have known for a long long time that I cannot go further in my life or my marriage without your help. Some days I am not sure I even want to. I have the Love Dare - got through it pretty well the first time, along with countless other books to "help" me with my marriage. Only to be hurt repeatedly. This August I think inside I truly reached a place that "broke". My heart broke, my desire to keep trying broke, my positive outlook on my situation broke and I feel broken inside. I have tried prayer, talking with others, singing, exercising - but most days I don't even want to get out of bed. I know you already know all of this - I guess I am just wondering when it will all "lift" so to speak. Then today in the message I heard him talking about you being strapped to the pole, on your knees - most likely naked - or at least shirtless - being whipped repeatedly with the "cat of nine tails" for me. You could have said, "Okay - enough" at like 27 like the pastor pointed out - you could have said, 'I think I have had enough' and quit. I know that you have the power - the angels were waiting just for that exactly I believe. But you didn't.
Do you know how much I can identify with that? I feel almost sick to my stomach likening what I am going through to what you endured, but thinking of the fact that you could have called it off but didn't - makes me stop and think about my own desire to give up - so very often. On my marriage, on my everything. Too often I hear myself asking, "what is the point?" What a weenie, huh?
And yet, once again I heard something today that I so desperately needed reminding of - not the, "you know God loves you", or "pray about it" or any of the other many well meaning things that have been said to me in meetings and by friends - those things are all true, but not what my heart needed. Today what I heard was that God sees me through the blood of Christ - the ULTIMATE rose colored glasses so to speak.
He sees the potential in me when I struggle to see anything.
I have so been mired in this anger, justified pity, and bitterness toward my husband that I have let it effect almost every other interaction I have had in the last four months.
I have been in such a deep pit of despair - I have cried more tears than I know what to do with - I have pressed on - praying and hoping - needing some sort of "sign".
I was almost convinced that I didn't deserve a sign- or anything else- since I couldn't "shake this off" and "let go and let God". This sounds so simple and yet this has been the absolute most difficult thing i have done in my life to date.
I have been steeped in fear - I have been ashamed of this and this has kept me down and held back. I have NOT been trusting God. I have not trusted his promises to me - although I repeat the verses like a mantra - I have only allowed the meaning to scratch the surface. Jesus, reading about what Paul said in Corinthians, Galatians and Ephesians tonight sealed it all for me. Nothing is an accident. Your word is my "sign". You have asked me to trust you - you suffered for me, bled for me, died for me and only wanted my love and devotion in return - but here i have been thinking only of myself - poor, pitiful me - how hard things have been, what if it all happens again?, what if I lose everything this time?, what if.....
You have been standing here the whole time - sometimes riding along side me in this battle - going ahead - fighting for me - sometimes carrying me - but never once have you left me - I just stopped looking for you - so caught up in myself I have been.
Please, Lord, forgive me. Help me TRULY understand and sit with how much you love me. Help me to see my potential through you - and if I can't - help me to never give up my faith in you and your Word. Finally, Jesus, please help me to see my husband as you do - the good that you see - the potential for us. I want a miracle this Christmas.
Love,
Me
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