So, the 12 year old inside of me reared herself again yesterday. Basically when I have been able to stop, talk to others, listen to others in similar situations, and remind myself what God says is true - despite how I may FEEL at the moment - then I see it all boils down to my pride. If pride weren't involved I wouldn't have a need to make sure "everything is going to work out", and if fear wasn't in the passenger seat screaming (due to a lack of depth perception) each time I get close to something that even smells or looks like it has the potential to hurt me eventually - and by "depth perception" I am referring ultimately to a lack of faith in the driver, Jesus. He's not supposed to be my "co-pilot". He is supposed to have the reigns. But, I digress.
I think I get Ezekiel 47 now, though, or at least the first part of it. Will I be the type Christian that only wades into their faith - or will I swim?
Thank you, Jesus, for Lucy, and for Norma. Last night I was in an meeting and people were speaking about being "humbled" again. That humility is what is needed. I literally said to myself (after admitting to the entire group I didn't want to even be there, so I knew I needed to be) that I was TIRED of being humbled!!!
Yep. A smart person would have realized that she had basically just smarted off to her parent and apologized and straightened up. Usually I am smart. Not last night - but my dear Abba Father is merciful anyway. He has been hearing my confusion of late, my anger that has been boiling to the surface from things I thought I had dealt with - and then the feelings of guilt I have had with feeling I should not be having to go through all of this again - I mean - good golly miss molly - -we just did this!! - when will I get it? Right?!
God showed me last night, through my friend Lucy, that my feeling that I know best at times (well - really most times in my personal opinion) is born of a "haughty" or "Jezebel" spirit. Hmmm. I have had the truth spoken to me enough to know if it pricks a little the person speaking is probably right. What she said didn't prick my "feelings" - it pricked my "pride" - which to me confirmed that God was trying to tell me something. Of course, I wasn't sure what it was or if I would be ready - I admitted to myself and God and Lucy - and later the group - and this was so very difficult for me....I am angry, and I am really ready to give up on this whole thing.
Give up on "recovery", "healing", "restoration for my marriage", everything. I am frustrated. I am tired. I am tired of being hurt and frustrated. I am tired of repeating the same things. I am tired of being the fool.
I even said out loud to Lucy last night that I think I might now - not before - but now - be getting angry with God. To what purpose? I know in my head it does no good - but the 12 year old wants to know why do I have to keep being stretched to the point of pain? Why isn't this (what I have already learned and gone through) "good enough"?
When did I become so all knowing and all powerful? When did God endow me with those giftings? Riiight.
Yet here I have kicked, cried, internally screamed, and ranted at the injustice of life and why things have to work out so slowly. Can't we just move this along? And while we are on that topic, don't you want to know how and where it needs to be moved, God? So, God smiled at me last night and took my "haughty/Jezebel" self to an alanon meeting. One I did not want to be at as I said before. After all, I was ready to call it a day - give up on this "program" and be done. Alanon has a saying, "it works if you work it". How true. The steps are there for a reason. In that order for a reason. Please know I learned that again tonight. I was reminded in a very real way that this "program" - or for you it may be referred to as "life" - is about PROGRESS! - not perfection or instant results. It is okay to figure out what I need and what I don't need. What I am and what I am not comfortable with. It is okay to fall, get back up and have to climb those same steps again! (Read Proverbs 24:16) God allowed me to share my heart's burdens with the group - not only did they listen, but they also shared their own experience, strength and hope. God used one woman in particular to speak directly to my hurting heart. She is in her 60s and is a functioning illiterate. She has always been very kind and encouraging to me when we have been in meetings together - I had no idea she couldn't read- reading the steps is part of our opening - lots of people pass - so I never really thought about it. But, God used her specifically to remind me last night that I am loved, I am of worth to Him, He is in control, He does hear me, He is covering all my needs - and always has - he also used her to ask me - am I really listening to Him or just spending all my time whining and stomping around and trying to fit what isn't into what I want it to be? He reminded me that what He says about me is what matters. If I let my mind replay the same negative statements to myself - about myself or my husband or any situation then I am already defeated - but if I listen to God - I won't be stuck - I can move forward - I won't sink as Peter did when he took his eyes off Jesus.
It is okay if I need a time out for me, and it is okay if I am not perfect by my standards or the worlds. Through God's grace and mercy He is sanctifying me!
Thank you, Father -
I am ready - Please help me swim!
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Friday, June 4, 2010
For Lucy
Last evening I was given the opportunity spend some wonderful time with friends I have made here in this town and through my church. I went to a Zumba class (LOADS OF FUN!!!) with them for exercise. Afterwards we were outside discussing various things and among them God's blessings in our lives. My friend, who asked to be called "Lucy", was showing us all the car that God has recently given to her family. Now, this isn't just a car - this is a Volvo, Cross Country station wagon, leather, turbo, sunroof (my fav), etc, etc - you get the picture. She was sharing with us how God gave her a desire she had jokingly voiced, but truly knowing Lucy, you would know she would have been happy with anything her Father chose to give to her and her family. She was just filled to overflowing with this particular blessing - and to top it off - it had a FULL tank of gas!
So as we were talking I was reflecting on how God has so willingly and creatively met so many needs of mine in my life. One of the best has been through the people he has put in my life. I really really really thought that when I wrote my entry in December thanking people in my life, that I had named those in my life currently by their intitals. I went back and read it today and see that she was so right - I didn't. I KNOW what I was saying from my heart in that entry, but evidently didn't convey it very well. I also know, because of the nature of issues discussed in this blog, anonymity is important to me. So, what I want to do now is take a little time and thank my loving, provider, Jesus Christ, for the oh so many people he has placed in my life throughout the years.
Because of loss I experienced at an early age I was given the gift of letting people know my appreciation for them probably earlier than most people mature into thinking about things like that. I am not bragging. I am just stating facts. Trust me - anything positive in me or my life is only by the grace of an Almighty God!
So - beginning my senior year I began writing people and thanking them for what they meant to me. That continued into college - I especially am thankful I did this with my mom's parent's. My mom's mom was not quite sick with Alzheimer's yet and was able to truly hear my heart - and she wrote me back. Then after my kids were born I went through a period of writing people - sometimes I just call. I know people think I just get emotional and sappy, but I truly mean all I say. My life could have been SO different had it not been for God placing them in my life. Not only that, but that they responded to God's prod to serve in areas they served or move to areas they moved to or open up their home to me, etc.
Then Facebook came on the scene. When I first got on FB I tried to send a message to all my old youth workers from my home church. To let them know how much they influenced me, helped by just listening and spending time with me, etc. I am not sure it did anything for any of them, but it did for me.
So, now let me thank those God has currently placed around me - those prayer warriors, friends, ones that have provided more times than I can count in a pinch:
To Lucy: You so willingly came to my first ever small group at church. You have no idea how nervous I was about leading a small group - that no one would find mine among the hundreds - but WOW! Look at all God did from that group. The Hillcrest ministry, our friendship, your prayers for me and my family, your encouragement of me as a child of God, your living testimony of God's love. At the end of that group you gave me a journal. You had no clue I have kept journals most of my life, but you said to me that God would use my words one day - and oh how I pray that that is true!! I am so blessed to know you - your love for God, your family, and life in general. Thank you for making that call!! (and thank you so much for sharing your husband with me =) *wink*wink*- no seriously - "superman" has been a God send in so very many ways. He loves Jesus, and he so very, very much loves his wife - you two are a wonderful inspiration to the rest of us mere mortals! - and he's not half bad with my car either which is endearing in its self :ha ha ha:)
To Mel: I joke that I have done more damage to you than anything else, but look at the evolution of our relationship. God placed you in my life at a time He knew I desperately needed A person to care for my sick child when I could not. There is no guilt like a mother's guilt. Even if there is no help for the circumstances that force needing help - mom's still have guilt. You stepped in - there were days I was so jealous that you were getting to have all those "moments" with my child that I wanted to so much. To take him to the park, watch him write, read, play, smile, sing, etc. You put up with my unexplained (and on my part not always understood) moodiness with a readiness to help. You helped train our dog and have loved all my kids as if they were your own. I have watched you mature as a mom and wife and Christian and have been so thankful that God has allowed me to be a part of this with you. You have gone from employee to friend and for that I am ever grateful to God.
RM: For you and your husband's love for God - your laughter and willingness to share. For Ed's creative inspiration and his willingness to share it - no matter what or where - God has used him to inspire me! God has given me so much from that small group - solid partners in prayer - other mothers going through life with the same struggles with money, food, and "mommy issues" as me - I am forever grateful that you and Ed, were also placed in my life as a gift from God.
MG: Probably one of the first women at church, along with SC, that I felt connected with that I did not already know. You listened to my struggle that night at the retreat and have been a prayer force and example in my life since. I do not have you on a pedestal - you are just a very good reflection of God's love and power to me. I thank Him for allowing me to know you!
SC: What to say and where do I begin? You are the example I want to be. You have literally taken difficult times in your life - times you had to become creative - but stayed rooted in God and asked for his guidance -and look what he has grown!! A ministry that has quickly become spread throughout the southeast - and now you have taken it with you west - but you did not just leave behind the ability to "find good deals" - you left behind the teaching about God's provision, the importance of passing on to others, and what the Proverbs 31 woman really looks like - and that being a Proverbs 31 woman IS attainable when we are led by God. Thank you, and God bless you and your family!
Again - there are so many others - so little time - and I am poorly focused right now - just know I dearly love each and every person God has allowed to come into my life - even those that I have had "conflict" with - because those conflicts have allowed a refining inside me also. God knows exactly what he is doing. He knew the church I would need to be attending and how to get me there, He knew the people I would need speaking life into me, and how to have me meet them, and He knows where I am headed from here.
Thank you, Lucy, for spurring this on!!
So as we were talking I was reflecting on how God has so willingly and creatively met so many needs of mine in my life. One of the best has been through the people he has put in my life. I really really really thought that when I wrote my entry in December thanking people in my life, that I had named those in my life currently by their intitals. I went back and read it today and see that she was so right - I didn't. I KNOW what I was saying from my heart in that entry, but evidently didn't convey it very well. I also know, because of the nature of issues discussed in this blog, anonymity is important to me. So, what I want to do now is take a little time and thank my loving, provider, Jesus Christ, for the oh so many people he has placed in my life throughout the years.
Because of loss I experienced at an early age I was given the gift of letting people know my appreciation for them probably earlier than most people mature into thinking about things like that. I am not bragging. I am just stating facts. Trust me - anything positive in me or my life is only by the grace of an Almighty God!
So - beginning my senior year I began writing people and thanking them for what they meant to me. That continued into college - I especially am thankful I did this with my mom's parent's. My mom's mom was not quite sick with Alzheimer's yet and was able to truly hear my heart - and she wrote me back. Then after my kids were born I went through a period of writing people - sometimes I just call. I know people think I just get emotional and sappy, but I truly mean all I say. My life could have been SO different had it not been for God placing them in my life. Not only that, but that they responded to God's prod to serve in areas they served or move to areas they moved to or open up their home to me, etc.
Then Facebook came on the scene. When I first got on FB I tried to send a message to all my old youth workers from my home church. To let them know how much they influenced me, helped by just listening and spending time with me, etc. I am not sure it did anything for any of them, but it did for me.
So, now let me thank those God has currently placed around me - those prayer warriors, friends, ones that have provided more times than I can count in a pinch:
To Lucy: You so willingly came to my first ever small group at church. You have no idea how nervous I was about leading a small group - that no one would find mine among the hundreds - but WOW! Look at all God did from that group. The Hillcrest ministry, our friendship, your prayers for me and my family, your encouragement of me as a child of God, your living testimony of God's love. At the end of that group you gave me a journal. You had no clue I have kept journals most of my life, but you said to me that God would use my words one day - and oh how I pray that that is true!! I am so blessed to know you - your love for God, your family, and life in general. Thank you for making that call!! (and thank you so much for sharing your husband with me =) *wink*wink*- no seriously - "superman" has been a God send in so very many ways. He loves Jesus, and he so very, very much loves his wife - you two are a wonderful inspiration to the rest of us mere mortals! - and he's not half bad with my car either which is endearing in its self :ha ha ha:)
To Mel: I joke that I have done more damage to you than anything else, but look at the evolution of our relationship. God placed you in my life at a time He knew I desperately needed A person to care for my sick child when I could not. There is no guilt like a mother's guilt. Even if there is no help for the circumstances that force needing help - mom's still have guilt. You stepped in - there were days I was so jealous that you were getting to have all those "moments" with my child that I wanted to so much. To take him to the park, watch him write, read, play, smile, sing, etc. You put up with my unexplained (and on my part not always understood) moodiness with a readiness to help. You helped train our dog and have loved all my kids as if they were your own. I have watched you mature as a mom and wife and Christian and have been so thankful that God has allowed me to be a part of this with you. You have gone from employee to friend and for that I am ever grateful to God.
RM: For you and your husband's love for God - your laughter and willingness to share. For Ed's creative inspiration and his willingness to share it - no matter what or where - God has used him to inspire me! God has given me so much from that small group - solid partners in prayer - other mothers going through life with the same struggles with money, food, and "mommy issues" as me - I am forever grateful that you and Ed, were also placed in my life as a gift from God.
MG: Probably one of the first women at church, along with SC, that I felt connected with that I did not already know. You listened to my struggle that night at the retreat and have been a prayer force and example in my life since. I do not have you on a pedestal - you are just a very good reflection of God's love and power to me. I thank Him for allowing me to know you!
SC: What to say and where do I begin? You are the example I want to be. You have literally taken difficult times in your life - times you had to become creative - but stayed rooted in God and asked for his guidance -and look what he has grown!! A ministry that has quickly become spread throughout the southeast - and now you have taken it with you west - but you did not just leave behind the ability to "find good deals" - you left behind the teaching about God's provision, the importance of passing on to others, and what the Proverbs 31 woman really looks like - and that being a Proverbs 31 woman IS attainable when we are led by God. Thank you, and God bless you and your family!
Again - there are so many others - so little time - and I am poorly focused right now - just know I dearly love each and every person God has allowed to come into my life - even those that I have had "conflict" with - because those conflicts have allowed a refining inside me also. God knows exactly what he is doing. He knew the church I would need to be attending and how to get me there, He knew the people I would need speaking life into me, and how to have me meet them, and He knows where I am headed from here.
Thank you, Lucy, for spurring this on!!
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
God and Prozac
Okay - Probably not the most wonderful of titles, but there we are. This is a struggle I have had on and off for years. Biblically I have learned SO much about familial bonds/curses that need to be broken off. Spirits we allow to take hold - like in the Bible where the demon was cast out but the acknowledgement that he would come back and legions would join. I think the warning was - you have to put something in its place. If you fill it with your old patterns then they will become more, bigger, and stronger - but if you will establish new patterns and feed them and allow them time to root then they will fill that hole. Any recovery program talks about "putting something in 'its' place". I just happen to believe that the Healer was the one that gave that step originally (and maybe again to Bill Wilson).
I guess you noticed I have been silent for a couple of months. Not because my life has been silent, but because - I guess you could say - my spirit has been silent. Or maybe my spirit has been oppressed. I am not sure. I do know that what I have been experiencing these last months was not a "rest". I have not been at rest. My prayers and words have been blocked. I have had to trust with all my heart that even then the Holy Spirit was before the Throne interceding for me. Begging God to have mercy on me. He has.
On Saturday, April 3rd, 2010, I had an encounter with the Living Christ. There is no other way to put it. I believe that since about two weeks following that event the enemy - in all his scheming lying deceiving ways - has done all he possibly can to get me to not move forward at all after what I experienced. I believe myself to have been a Christian most of my life. I remember walking the isle at my home church and asking Jesus to come into my heart. I believe I have have loved him since that day. I know I have struggled a lot with "doing right" and "being right" in my relationship with him. I didn't want to be out of favor with him. Basically - I didn't want him to ever be upset with me or disappointed. Funny thing is - no matter what I have tried to do - pray, lead Sunday Schools, serve in the nursery, serve on the mission field - home and foreign - give, give more, do more - I never felt like I was doing things quite right. To top it off I would have these "experiences" and then just go right back to having the same doubts and confusions about how I was playing it out in my life. Guess what I learned on April 3rd, 2010? I don't have to do ANYTHING.
Let that really sink in. I have had to. I come from a family with an extremely strong work ethic. Personally I don't view this as a bad thing. This work ethic motivated me to get a job at 14 (yes, paying into social security since age 14), put myself through college, pay for my car, work three jobs while in college, never default on a loan, bounce a check only three times (I know - too many, but still), pay off my credit cards (although that was a difficult lesson to learn saved for another entry all together), and work full time while having three children and a husband. Not just any children. One with chronic special needs (although more manageable - only by the Grace of an Almighty God!), and two with asthma which require many doctor visits and sometimes a hospitalization. Anyone with a family understands household duties, upkeep, yard work, laundry, grocery shopping, chauffeuring, extended family responsibilities, etc. Not to mention if you want to have friends or go to church or be involved in church groups, etc. Let's just say I thank my mother for showing me how not to give up even when I may want to.
So, where my life could have been so much different - I could have felt sorry for myself and had no one to prod me out of my self pity (thank you all my youth leaders and workers and friends), I could have dropped out of college when I got bored with it (thank you family stigma that would not allow such a thing!!), I could have walked out on my marriage the first day things became difficult (IE: didn't go my way - which pretty much would have been month two - even before I knew about the alcohol - although finding out about the alcohol made things make so much more sense!), and I could have given my first child to my mom to raise when I didn't think I was going to be able to make it through another day without hurting her (but I didn't - and again - another story for another day). Through everything God has continually placed people, songs, verses, circumstances in front of me to push, prod, and guide me into the place He wanted me to go - I see it looking back - difficult in the midst - but so easy looking back. Thankfully I know that without a shadow of a doubt now - so when I get a little disoriented in my "dark spots" I know that "the Light" is right there. Never leaving, never wavering, always guiding the way. I struggle with resting - not working. Even when I call myself 'resting' my mind will still be going. Anxious - thinking, planning, drawing, writing, etc. Sometimes this is a good thing. Sometimes - not so good. I have a freedom in knowing that God already knows exactly what is on my plate for the future. The good the bad and the ugly. Long ago he gave me a verse, Romans 8:28, and how completely life affirming that verse has been to me. I used to have it as my car tag. (Now I have Hebrews 13:2.)
All of this rambling to say - after my encounter with Christ on that Saturday. I felt and came to know a freedom like no other. I was urged by the spirit to get to know what Christ says about me. What the Bible says about me as God's word. I started this process and then sank. I cannot explain it. Almost like a paralysis. So - after much internal debate I have gone back on Prozac. Now, depending on who you talk to - myself included - you will get many different ideas of whether or not psychiatric meds should be necessary for believers. I think just like any other medication they can be needed for a certain period of time for certain reasons. If I had not worried about the "stigma" related to psych meds after delivering my first child I don't think I would have had post partum depression as long or as intensely as I did - or I would have been more willing to discuss it. But, just like other "firsts" in my life, I think God allowed me to go through that to be able to alert others to the dangers and help relieve some of the stigma surrounding taking medications.
I do love Jesus. I have recently had an extremely intimate experience in His presence. I am a saint that sins. I am a beloved child of God. Skinned knees and elbows from taking off ahead of him and all! He loves me EXACTLY how I am. He made me. He knows the gifts and abilities and talents and desires he placed inside me yet to be discovered - waiting to be fulfilled by him and with me. He knew my parents before I did. He hand picked me for my children (I really pray for them and their covering!! ;o) ) He gave my husband to me and me to my husband. While flawed - together we are good as long as we are wrapped in our Creator's Love.
I am thankful for a God willing to create Prozac for an anxiety addict like me (well - praying for reformation!!) So, to anyone else out there - struggling with something - feeling you can't admit you might need "help" - whether from a support group, medication, prayer from an elder or church leader - Please know I have said a prayer for you today. A prayer that you would find freedom in knowing that even when we think we are "doing wrong" - as a child of God, He's got you covered!! (Jeremiah 29:11, Romans 8:28)
"Dear Jesus,
Father, thank you so much for always providing. Whether it is people, songs, sermons, medications, or whatever - thank you. I have no idea if anyone even reads this blog, but I know you didn't give me these words for no reason. I pray, Dear Jesus, that these words touch those they are meant to. That even the slightest tug would be responded to by that person. Father that you would prepare their heart in advance to receive the Healing your death on the cross has given. Thank you, Father, for loving us as we are - not as cleaned up, spiffed up, good enough to come before you people, but as broken, bedraggled, muddy, humbled individuals needing to be infused with your life and blood that you so freely give. I love you and thank you so much for continually blessing me and my life. Most of all, Father, thank you for releasing my words again" Amen
I guess you noticed I have been silent for a couple of months. Not because my life has been silent, but because - I guess you could say - my spirit has been silent. Or maybe my spirit has been oppressed. I am not sure. I do know that what I have been experiencing these last months was not a "rest". I have not been at rest. My prayers and words have been blocked. I have had to trust with all my heart that even then the Holy Spirit was before the Throne interceding for me. Begging God to have mercy on me. He has.
On Saturday, April 3rd, 2010, I had an encounter with the Living Christ. There is no other way to put it. I believe that since about two weeks following that event the enemy - in all his scheming lying deceiving ways - has done all he possibly can to get me to not move forward at all after what I experienced. I believe myself to have been a Christian most of my life. I remember walking the isle at my home church and asking Jesus to come into my heart. I believe I have have loved him since that day. I know I have struggled a lot with "doing right" and "being right" in my relationship with him. I didn't want to be out of favor with him. Basically - I didn't want him to ever be upset with me or disappointed. Funny thing is - no matter what I have tried to do - pray, lead Sunday Schools, serve in the nursery, serve on the mission field - home and foreign - give, give more, do more - I never felt like I was doing things quite right. To top it off I would have these "experiences" and then just go right back to having the same doubts and confusions about how I was playing it out in my life. Guess what I learned on April 3rd, 2010? I don't have to do ANYTHING.
Let that really sink in. I have had to. I come from a family with an extremely strong work ethic. Personally I don't view this as a bad thing. This work ethic motivated me to get a job at 14 (yes, paying into social security since age 14), put myself through college, pay for my car, work three jobs while in college, never default on a loan, bounce a check only three times (I know - too many, but still), pay off my credit cards (although that was a difficult lesson to learn saved for another entry all together), and work full time while having three children and a husband. Not just any children. One with chronic special needs (although more manageable - only by the Grace of an Almighty God!), and two with asthma which require many doctor visits and sometimes a hospitalization. Anyone with a family understands household duties, upkeep, yard work, laundry, grocery shopping, chauffeuring, extended family responsibilities, etc. Not to mention if you want to have friends or go to church or be involved in church groups, etc. Let's just say I thank my mother for showing me how not to give up even when I may want to.
So, where my life could have been so much different - I could have felt sorry for myself and had no one to prod me out of my self pity (thank you all my youth leaders and workers and friends), I could have dropped out of college when I got bored with it (thank you family stigma that would not allow such a thing!!), I could have walked out on my marriage the first day things became difficult (IE: didn't go my way - which pretty much would have been month two - even before I knew about the alcohol - although finding out about the alcohol made things make so much more sense!), and I could have given my first child to my mom to raise when I didn't think I was going to be able to make it through another day without hurting her (but I didn't - and again - another story for another day). Through everything God has continually placed people, songs, verses, circumstances in front of me to push, prod, and guide me into the place He wanted me to go - I see it looking back - difficult in the midst - but so easy looking back. Thankfully I know that without a shadow of a doubt now - so when I get a little disoriented in my "dark spots" I know that "the Light" is right there. Never leaving, never wavering, always guiding the way. I struggle with resting - not working. Even when I call myself 'resting' my mind will still be going. Anxious - thinking, planning, drawing, writing, etc. Sometimes this is a good thing. Sometimes - not so good. I have a freedom in knowing that God already knows exactly what is on my plate for the future. The good the bad and the ugly. Long ago he gave me a verse, Romans 8:28, and how completely life affirming that verse has been to me. I used to have it as my car tag. (Now I have Hebrews 13:2.)
All of this rambling to say - after my encounter with Christ on that Saturday. I felt and came to know a freedom like no other. I was urged by the spirit to get to know what Christ says about me. What the Bible says about me as God's word. I started this process and then sank. I cannot explain it. Almost like a paralysis. So - after much internal debate I have gone back on Prozac. Now, depending on who you talk to - myself included - you will get many different ideas of whether or not psychiatric meds should be necessary for believers. I think just like any other medication they can be needed for a certain period of time for certain reasons. If I had not worried about the "stigma" related to psych meds after delivering my first child I don't think I would have had post partum depression as long or as intensely as I did - or I would have been more willing to discuss it. But, just like other "firsts" in my life, I think God allowed me to go through that to be able to alert others to the dangers and help relieve some of the stigma surrounding taking medications.
I do love Jesus. I have recently had an extremely intimate experience in His presence. I am a saint that sins. I am a beloved child of God. Skinned knees and elbows from taking off ahead of him and all! He loves me EXACTLY how I am. He made me. He knows the gifts and abilities and talents and desires he placed inside me yet to be discovered - waiting to be fulfilled by him and with me. He knew my parents before I did. He hand picked me for my children (I really pray for them and their covering!! ;o) ) He gave my husband to me and me to my husband. While flawed - together we are good as long as we are wrapped in our Creator's Love.
I am thankful for a God willing to create Prozac for an anxiety addict like me (well - praying for reformation!!) So, to anyone else out there - struggling with something - feeling you can't admit you might need "help" - whether from a support group, medication, prayer from an elder or church leader - Please know I have said a prayer for you today. A prayer that you would find freedom in knowing that even when we think we are "doing wrong" - as a child of God, He's got you covered!! (Jeremiah 29:11, Romans 8:28)
"Dear Jesus,
Father, thank you so much for always providing. Whether it is people, songs, sermons, medications, or whatever - thank you. I have no idea if anyone even reads this blog, but I know you didn't give me these words for no reason. I pray, Dear Jesus, that these words touch those they are meant to. That even the slightest tug would be responded to by that person. Father that you would prepare their heart in advance to receive the Healing your death on the cross has given. Thank you, Father, for loving us as we are - not as cleaned up, spiffed up, good enough to come before you people, but as broken, bedraggled, muddy, humbled individuals needing to be infused with your life and blood that you so freely give. I love you and thank you so much for continually blessing me and my life. Most of all, Father, thank you for releasing my words again" Amen
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Today
Well, it was two more days, and many ugly things said, before my husband did move out. After three days he said he wanted help. On the fourth day he went into the hospital for detox. He was there about four days. This is average. He was out on Thursday and really nothing had changed. Then God stepped in. I had let my husband know he had to move out - to concentrate on him without the distraction of me and the kids. I really did want to be lacking the stress of worry having him under the same roof while he worked on recovery. I know me. I am controlling. I need things to be done in a certain order a certain way. I know that if I were to observe his recovery and it not meet my "expectations" then my stress would ramp up. More than that I am tired. Exhausted actually. Emotionally and physically. The physical exhaustion is all part of the emotional toll, but it is what it is.
God stepped in. I thought at the time it was confirmation that He wanted us to be able to work things out - and maybe he does, but right now I don't see that happening. Every day is so different. My husband threw himself into his program, but this week (since being told he doesn't have to turn in attendence records) he has backed off. For reasons I knew from the beginning would come up. I was reminded in group last week that you will be able to tell the tree (and where the roots are planted and functioning) by the kind of fruit it bears. So true. I have been trying to force my life into what I think it should be. Trying to make my circumstances what I feel they need to be. I am seriously seeing how that is so not working out. The reality of my situation is that I cannot make anyone do what they don't want to. All I can do is decide if I want to stay and be a part of the fallout from certain decisions.
We go from not being able to talk about anything to having really good discussions where we both feel heard. I believe we are both hearing - then we get busy with life.
I know for certain God is in the business of healing. I know for certain that he loves me and has called me according to his purpose. I also know for certain that no matter where my children and I are - what matters is how we handle the current situation. We could be in the nicest home in the nicest town, but have no stability or time together and they could turn out like any other hoodlum. Do I think peer group matters? Yes, but it is who you spend the most time with that counts the most. So, I could work more to have more, but actually end up losing more by not being able to spend more time with my children. I know that for this period of my life I cannot take on a job that demands more from me than I have to give. I will not make any major decisions about anything right now. What I am going to do is pray, think, evaluate, and then decide. God stepped in those two - almost three weeks ago now - and took away my anger. I honestly have none. Not even now when I feel hurt all over again. No, my husband isn't drinking that I know of, but things between us may truly be beyond the time and effort it is going to take for God to repair us. I don't know. All I know for sure is that I too often underestimate the size and power or my God and his love for me and my family.
I am only taking things one day at a time. Today I will meet my mom and get what she needs to give me, then I will spend time with my children tonight - homework, devotion, baths, and bed. This weekend we will spend time together praising God and remembering the sacrifice he gave us in his son. We will also spend time outside enjoying this fabulous weather. I so cannot wait.
I love Jesus. I so very much thank him for all the pain he took on his body to heal my hurts and my diseases (Psalm 103). I am so grateful for Jesus rising from the dead and conquering death to show me that with him, ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE! (not just the things I can think or see, but even those I cannot even comprehend).
I pray you all have a very happy and blessed Easter.
....and to Stephanie, a very special thank you for sharing your daughter's date of birth with my own. Blessings to all God has for you, Julie Nell!
God stepped in. I thought at the time it was confirmation that He wanted us to be able to work things out - and maybe he does, but right now I don't see that happening. Every day is so different. My husband threw himself into his program, but this week (since being told he doesn't have to turn in attendence records) he has backed off. For reasons I knew from the beginning would come up. I was reminded in group last week that you will be able to tell the tree (and where the roots are planted and functioning) by the kind of fruit it bears. So true. I have been trying to force my life into what I think it should be. Trying to make my circumstances what I feel they need to be. I am seriously seeing how that is so not working out. The reality of my situation is that I cannot make anyone do what they don't want to. All I can do is decide if I want to stay and be a part of the fallout from certain decisions.
We go from not being able to talk about anything to having really good discussions where we both feel heard. I believe we are both hearing - then we get busy with life.
I know for certain God is in the business of healing. I know for certain that he loves me and has called me according to his purpose. I also know for certain that no matter where my children and I are - what matters is how we handle the current situation. We could be in the nicest home in the nicest town, but have no stability or time together and they could turn out like any other hoodlum. Do I think peer group matters? Yes, but it is who you spend the most time with that counts the most. So, I could work more to have more, but actually end up losing more by not being able to spend more time with my children. I know that for this period of my life I cannot take on a job that demands more from me than I have to give. I will not make any major decisions about anything right now. What I am going to do is pray, think, evaluate, and then decide. God stepped in those two - almost three weeks ago now - and took away my anger. I honestly have none. Not even now when I feel hurt all over again. No, my husband isn't drinking that I know of, but things between us may truly be beyond the time and effort it is going to take for God to repair us. I don't know. All I know for sure is that I too often underestimate the size and power or my God and his love for me and my family.
I am only taking things one day at a time. Today I will meet my mom and get what she needs to give me, then I will spend time with my children tonight - homework, devotion, baths, and bed. This weekend we will spend time together praising God and remembering the sacrifice he gave us in his son. We will also spend time outside enjoying this fabulous weather. I so cannot wait.
I love Jesus. I so very much thank him for all the pain he took on his body to heal my hurts and my diseases (Psalm 103). I am so grateful for Jesus rising from the dead and conquering death to show me that with him, ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE! (not just the things I can think or see, but even those I cannot even comprehend).
I pray you all have a very happy and blessed Easter.
....and to Stephanie, a very special thank you for sharing your daughter's date of birth with my own. Blessings to all God has for you, Julie Nell!
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
The Truth in Love
Last night my husband let us all know that he will be moving out today. He admits he cannot control this disease and needs help to do so. There was a lot more said, feelings hurt, and tears shed, but ultimately he is correct. HE cannot control this. I cannot control this. I cannot fix it for him. He has to surrender - daily - and admit his powerlessness over this disease and so do I.
I have tried helping this to be less painful for us all, and by doing so I think I have gotten in the way. I take responsibility for the choices and decisions I have made over this past four day period. These have not been easy or comfortable decisions - at times I have wondered if I did the right thing, but then I look at my kids or my husband and realize that I have.
I am still prayerful. I am still hopeful - although at times I wonder if my hope for restoration is not in God's plan. I am still hurt, but I recognize the hurt for what it is and give the anger to God - my Comforter, Strength, and Provider - when it rears its ugly head.
I pray he does move out and gets the help he needs and that restoration IS the plan. Surrender is needed. Words are good, action is also good - but surrender is needed to help open the heart for God to reshape and realign- and then actions that come from that newly shaped heart will be more trustworthy.
One of the alanon slogans is that as members we come to share our "experience, strength, and hope". I have taken and taken from others in the group - their experiences, their strength gained, and cling to the hope they share. I have had my moments of being able to share within the group, too.
Last night I was able to share with my children my experience, my strength (God), and my hope (promises God gives us in His word). The experiences I had as a child in a divorced family were not always bad - although that is what is most easily remembered. The times that stick out for me as being "bad" were more times of embarassment about what was going on or how my dad was behaving, etc - Last night was like a flashback to that. My husband sitting the kids down - letting them know he was leaving - throwing some jabs my way - but then attempting to reel them back. My dad did something very similar. I knew what the kids were feeling because I had been there. It is not where I ever envisioned my kids to be, but I also was able to show them how God had provided for me during that time, what I experienced, and what I realized years later. I encouraged them to continue to draw closer to God on a daily basis and not to let the enemy take over their thoughts - to concentrate on what is right, pure, uplifting......
I then went back to Hebrews as prompted from a friend. I have been reading on who God is lately - but the chapters I read last night reminded me of what Jesus did for me and how he has experienced exactly what I am going through. My pastor is also doing a series right now that is almost mimicking my daily walk and is so timely for me and my children.
I am so thankful to God for knowing where I would be this week and what I would be needing - and providing it. I am also so thankful to God for hearing my cries and prayers for my husband and my children during this time, but also for myself. I am so very thankful for a past I have mostly considered negative, but that same past is allowing me to know for certain that God is here, is listening, and does use all things for my good. He will continue to do so, too.
Like I told my kids last night - we may be uncomfortable at times - and especially right now - but the closer we draw to God he draws closer to us. As I was also reminded by my friend- as we interceed for their dad - Jesus is before the throne interceding on our behalf.
I am so richly blessed to have friends now and in the past that God has handpicked and placed around me to buffer me on this road of life - that as I start to slide down or off they push and prod me back into place. Sometimes this is physical - most times it is through speaking the truth in love.
I pray you have a blessed day and that you are filled with joy at the works God is doing in your life!!!
I have tried helping this to be less painful for us all, and by doing so I think I have gotten in the way. I take responsibility for the choices and decisions I have made over this past four day period. These have not been easy or comfortable decisions - at times I have wondered if I did the right thing, but then I look at my kids or my husband and realize that I have.
I am still prayerful. I am still hopeful - although at times I wonder if my hope for restoration is not in God's plan. I am still hurt, but I recognize the hurt for what it is and give the anger to God - my Comforter, Strength, and Provider - when it rears its ugly head.
I pray he does move out and gets the help he needs and that restoration IS the plan. Surrender is needed. Words are good, action is also good - but surrender is needed to help open the heart for God to reshape and realign- and then actions that come from that newly shaped heart will be more trustworthy.
One of the alanon slogans is that as members we come to share our "experience, strength, and hope". I have taken and taken from others in the group - their experiences, their strength gained, and cling to the hope they share. I have had my moments of being able to share within the group, too.
Last night I was able to share with my children my experience, my strength (God), and my hope (promises God gives us in His word). The experiences I had as a child in a divorced family were not always bad - although that is what is most easily remembered. The times that stick out for me as being "bad" were more times of embarassment about what was going on or how my dad was behaving, etc - Last night was like a flashback to that. My husband sitting the kids down - letting them know he was leaving - throwing some jabs my way - but then attempting to reel them back. My dad did something very similar. I knew what the kids were feeling because I had been there. It is not where I ever envisioned my kids to be, but I also was able to show them how God had provided for me during that time, what I experienced, and what I realized years later. I encouraged them to continue to draw closer to God on a daily basis and not to let the enemy take over their thoughts - to concentrate on what is right, pure, uplifting......
I then went back to Hebrews as prompted from a friend. I have been reading on who God is lately - but the chapters I read last night reminded me of what Jesus did for me and how he has experienced exactly what I am going through. My pastor is also doing a series right now that is almost mimicking my daily walk and is so timely for me and my children.
I am so thankful to God for knowing where I would be this week and what I would be needing - and providing it. I am also so thankful to God for hearing my cries and prayers for my husband and my children during this time, but also for myself. I am so very thankful for a past I have mostly considered negative, but that same past is allowing me to know for certain that God is here, is listening, and does use all things for my good. He will continue to do so, too.
Like I told my kids last night - we may be uncomfortable at times - and especially right now - but the closer we draw to God he draws closer to us. As I was also reminded by my friend- as we interceed for their dad - Jesus is before the throne interceding on our behalf.
I am so richly blessed to have friends now and in the past that God has handpicked and placed around me to buffer me on this road of life - that as I start to slide down or off they push and prod me back into place. Sometimes this is physical - most times it is through speaking the truth in love.
I pray you have a blessed day and that you are filled with joy at the works God is doing in your life!!!
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