Well, it was two more days, and many ugly things said, before my husband did move out. After three days he said he wanted help. On the fourth day he went into the hospital for detox. He was there about four days. This is average. He was out on Thursday and really nothing had changed. Then God stepped in. I had let my husband know he had to move out - to concentrate on him without the distraction of me and the kids. I really did want to be lacking the stress of worry having him under the same roof while he worked on recovery. I know me. I am controlling. I need things to be done in a certain order a certain way. I know that if I were to observe his recovery and it not meet my "expectations" then my stress would ramp up. More than that I am tired. Exhausted actually. Emotionally and physically. The physical exhaustion is all part of the emotional toll, but it is what it is.
God stepped in. I thought at the time it was confirmation that He wanted us to be able to work things out - and maybe he does, but right now I don't see that happening. Every day is so different. My husband threw himself into his program, but this week (since being told he doesn't have to turn in attendence records) he has backed off. For reasons I knew from the beginning would come up. I was reminded in group last week that you will be able to tell the tree (and where the roots are planted and functioning) by the kind of fruit it bears. So true. I have been trying to force my life into what I think it should be. Trying to make my circumstances what I feel they need to be. I am seriously seeing how that is so not working out. The reality of my situation is that I cannot make anyone do what they don't want to. All I can do is decide if I want to stay and be a part of the fallout from certain decisions.
We go from not being able to talk about anything to having really good discussions where we both feel heard. I believe we are both hearing - then we get busy with life.
I know for certain God is in the business of healing. I know for certain that he loves me and has called me according to his purpose. I also know for certain that no matter where my children and I are - what matters is how we handle the current situation. We could be in the nicest home in the nicest town, but have no stability or time together and they could turn out like any other hoodlum. Do I think peer group matters? Yes, but it is who you spend the most time with that counts the most. So, I could work more to have more, but actually end up losing more by not being able to spend more time with my children. I know that for this period of my life I cannot take on a job that demands more from me than I have to give. I will not make any major decisions about anything right now. What I am going to do is pray, think, evaluate, and then decide. God stepped in those two - almost three weeks ago now - and took away my anger. I honestly have none. Not even now when I feel hurt all over again. No, my husband isn't drinking that I know of, but things between us may truly be beyond the time and effort it is going to take for God to repair us. I don't know. All I know for sure is that I too often underestimate the size and power or my God and his love for me and my family.
I am only taking things one day at a time. Today I will meet my mom and get what she needs to give me, then I will spend time with my children tonight - homework, devotion, baths, and bed. This weekend we will spend time together praising God and remembering the sacrifice he gave us in his son. We will also spend time outside enjoying this fabulous weather. I so cannot wait.
I love Jesus. I so very much thank him for all the pain he took on his body to heal my hurts and my diseases (Psalm 103). I am so grateful for Jesus rising from the dead and conquering death to show me that with him, ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE! (not just the things I can think or see, but even those I cannot even comprehend).
I pray you all have a very happy and blessed Easter.
....and to Stephanie, a very special thank you for sharing your daughter's date of birth with my own. Blessings to all God has for you, Julie Nell!
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
The Truth in Love
Last night my husband let us all know that he will be moving out today. He admits he cannot control this disease and needs help to do so. There was a lot more said, feelings hurt, and tears shed, but ultimately he is correct. HE cannot control this. I cannot control this. I cannot fix it for him. He has to surrender - daily - and admit his powerlessness over this disease and so do I.
I have tried helping this to be less painful for us all, and by doing so I think I have gotten in the way. I take responsibility for the choices and decisions I have made over this past four day period. These have not been easy or comfortable decisions - at times I have wondered if I did the right thing, but then I look at my kids or my husband and realize that I have.
I am still prayerful. I am still hopeful - although at times I wonder if my hope for restoration is not in God's plan. I am still hurt, but I recognize the hurt for what it is and give the anger to God - my Comforter, Strength, and Provider - when it rears its ugly head.
I pray he does move out and gets the help he needs and that restoration IS the plan. Surrender is needed. Words are good, action is also good - but surrender is needed to help open the heart for God to reshape and realign- and then actions that come from that newly shaped heart will be more trustworthy.
One of the alanon slogans is that as members we come to share our "experience, strength, and hope". I have taken and taken from others in the group - their experiences, their strength gained, and cling to the hope they share. I have had my moments of being able to share within the group, too.
Last night I was able to share with my children my experience, my strength (God), and my hope (promises God gives us in His word). The experiences I had as a child in a divorced family were not always bad - although that is what is most easily remembered. The times that stick out for me as being "bad" were more times of embarassment about what was going on or how my dad was behaving, etc - Last night was like a flashback to that. My husband sitting the kids down - letting them know he was leaving - throwing some jabs my way - but then attempting to reel them back. My dad did something very similar. I knew what the kids were feeling because I had been there. It is not where I ever envisioned my kids to be, but I also was able to show them how God had provided for me during that time, what I experienced, and what I realized years later. I encouraged them to continue to draw closer to God on a daily basis and not to let the enemy take over their thoughts - to concentrate on what is right, pure, uplifting......
I then went back to Hebrews as prompted from a friend. I have been reading on who God is lately - but the chapters I read last night reminded me of what Jesus did for me and how he has experienced exactly what I am going through. My pastor is also doing a series right now that is almost mimicking my daily walk and is so timely for me and my children.
I am so thankful to God for knowing where I would be this week and what I would be needing - and providing it. I am also so thankful to God for hearing my cries and prayers for my husband and my children during this time, but also for myself. I am so very thankful for a past I have mostly considered negative, but that same past is allowing me to know for certain that God is here, is listening, and does use all things for my good. He will continue to do so, too.
Like I told my kids last night - we may be uncomfortable at times - and especially right now - but the closer we draw to God he draws closer to us. As I was also reminded by my friend- as we interceed for their dad - Jesus is before the throne interceding on our behalf.
I am so richly blessed to have friends now and in the past that God has handpicked and placed around me to buffer me on this road of life - that as I start to slide down or off they push and prod me back into place. Sometimes this is physical - most times it is through speaking the truth in love.
I pray you have a blessed day and that you are filled with joy at the works God is doing in your life!!!
I have tried helping this to be less painful for us all, and by doing so I think I have gotten in the way. I take responsibility for the choices and decisions I have made over this past four day period. These have not been easy or comfortable decisions - at times I have wondered if I did the right thing, but then I look at my kids or my husband and realize that I have.
I am still prayerful. I am still hopeful - although at times I wonder if my hope for restoration is not in God's plan. I am still hurt, but I recognize the hurt for what it is and give the anger to God - my Comforter, Strength, and Provider - when it rears its ugly head.
I pray he does move out and gets the help he needs and that restoration IS the plan. Surrender is needed. Words are good, action is also good - but surrender is needed to help open the heart for God to reshape and realign- and then actions that come from that newly shaped heart will be more trustworthy.
One of the alanon slogans is that as members we come to share our "experience, strength, and hope". I have taken and taken from others in the group - their experiences, their strength gained, and cling to the hope they share. I have had my moments of being able to share within the group, too.
Last night I was able to share with my children my experience, my strength (God), and my hope (promises God gives us in His word). The experiences I had as a child in a divorced family were not always bad - although that is what is most easily remembered. The times that stick out for me as being "bad" were more times of embarassment about what was going on or how my dad was behaving, etc - Last night was like a flashback to that. My husband sitting the kids down - letting them know he was leaving - throwing some jabs my way - but then attempting to reel them back. My dad did something very similar. I knew what the kids were feeling because I had been there. It is not where I ever envisioned my kids to be, but I also was able to show them how God had provided for me during that time, what I experienced, and what I realized years later. I encouraged them to continue to draw closer to God on a daily basis and not to let the enemy take over their thoughts - to concentrate on what is right, pure, uplifting......
I then went back to Hebrews as prompted from a friend. I have been reading on who God is lately - but the chapters I read last night reminded me of what Jesus did for me and how he has experienced exactly what I am going through. My pastor is also doing a series right now that is almost mimicking my daily walk and is so timely for me and my children.
I am so thankful to God for knowing where I would be this week and what I would be needing - and providing it. I am also so thankful to God for hearing my cries and prayers for my husband and my children during this time, but also for myself. I am so very thankful for a past I have mostly considered negative, but that same past is allowing me to know for certain that God is here, is listening, and does use all things for my good. He will continue to do so, too.
Like I told my kids last night - we may be uncomfortable at times - and especially right now - but the closer we draw to God he draws closer to us. As I was also reminded by my friend- as we interceed for their dad - Jesus is before the throne interceding on our behalf.
I am so richly blessed to have friends now and in the past that God has handpicked and placed around me to buffer me on this road of life - that as I start to slide down or off they push and prod me back into place. Sometimes this is physical - most times it is through speaking the truth in love.
I pray you have a blessed day and that you are filled with joy at the works God is doing in your life!!!
Friday, February 26, 2010
God's Comfort
It is so easy to say you believe in God and trust in God - until your faith is tested through trials and tribulations. Then the rubber meets the road so to speak.
This week has been a continuation of testing and chances for my faith and trust to be built in God. Not only that, but also I have been given the opportunity on numerous occasions to see how God has used things and people from my past to minister to my now. He consistently amazes me. Not only does he use past people and life experience to feed the now - He also uses those that I have come to know since being in this town to teach me, bless me, meet physical, spiritual, and emotional needs right when I have needed it. I will say God has allowed me to be uncomfortable enough to get my attention. This is not always enjoyable - actually - this has not been very enjoyable at all except when I DO pay attention in these times I completely see the hand of God. There is a quote I read in a devotion for those that are members of Al-Anon. "Once again I had to sit and feel the discomfort of letting go." How true this has been for me. I am sure some of you have felt the same over various circumstances in life. When we think we have a handle on things - or when we think we know the answer and how things should play out to be the best for everyone. Something happens, though, reminds you that control is an illusion, and things around us are not what or where our focus and hearts should be - but our hearts should be focused on God and His characteristics.......like consistency and steadfastness...provider....comforter....healer. The list is longer - but you get the idea.
Last night I was concerned about my oldest daughter. I call her "Boo". It is just a nickname - don't know why or from where - it has just always been. Anyway - as a mom you want your kids to have things they want within reason. Like a certain jacket or pair of jeans - or in this case - tennis shoes. But, realistically you know that if you spend that much on a pair of shoes then you have to go without something else - like internet for a month. Well, Boo has gotten to the point that I don't think she even tells me really what she most desires anymore because she figures we can't get it right now anyway. But see how God has provided...Buckle jeans (found some for less than a third of the price at a local consignment store)....Ugg boots (my sister had some she was willing for Boo to have - not the color Boo wanted, but even that turned out good. I had to talk her into trying them - because they were orange- and she really didn't want to - but did - then lo and behold! She came home and talked so long about how everyone looooved her boots, where did she get them, etc....I of course smiled)......Crocs (her sister bought the real ones for her).....and so on. So the most recent desire has been for Converse tennis shoes. She hasn't been harping on them like Moo has - but like I said - I think that is because she is feeling the financial pinch so to speak. A child came in our office the other day with some really cute hot pink fake converse on - she had gotten them at Dollar General. I left work a little early and decided to see if I could find Moo and Boo some at the DG. The first one didn't have any in Moo's size, but had ONE pair in Boo's - in bright blue - wasn't really even sure she wanted some - but got them. Then at the next DG there were none, but being a persistent mom, I began checking the packed boxes in the shoe section - found some pink and green camo ones for Moo and a pair of tan slide on shoes for Tate! WooHooo! So, that afternoon I was able to surprise them with it all. Moo was disappointed they weren't the color she wanted - but was happy enough and Tate was overjoyed (he really likes shoes), Boo - hard to read - I couldn't really tell if she liked them or not - she said she did, but her body language also said, "they are okay, whatever." So, I was disappointed - Moo's and Tate's were too big - Boo's fit great.
So, I was telling my friend that I really felt Boo said she liked them so as to not disappoint me. I didn't want that - I want Boo to say definitively what she does and does not like/want. I do not want her just trying to put herself second in order to please people or try and make them happy or go with the flow. Keep in mind I do know that compromise is essential to every good relationship, and that the ability to go with the flow is vital. I just want her to want things from her heart and not because she feels that will make people happy.
So - her heart is what I was concerned about - and that led to the whole, "I'm not sure I am being a good mom during this season in my family." My friend assured me that I am - she reminded me I am teaching them about God, what the Bible says, and they are watching love and mercy in action in our home. I needed to hear that - and God allowed her to say it to me.
Then, I got home and here is the note left on the bed by my 12 year old, 6th grade, Boo...
"Mom,
Hey, I just wanted to say I love you. I'm not really sure if this is correct I do this or not (yes, these are her words and exactly how she wrote it), but you always give us verses. So, here's one for you: Psalms 37:7. I love you a lot!.....P.S. I'm not saying dad is evil by this verse (and a smiley face here)" She drew a big heart with an arrow running through it and at the bottom of the page she wrote,’ do not be in troubles, rise above them!'
When did she grow up? I cried without even knowing what the verse said yet, because I knew that God was reassuring me that not only did he hear my concerns earlier, but he allowed me a glimpse of what he is doing - yet again - in my children - and using that to teach me.
Thank you, Jesus, for so richly blessing me and comforting me exactly when I need it every time!!!
"Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes." Psalm 37:7 (this morning she told me she meant to include verses 4-7, but still - what a treasure to see God working in my children - and to minister to me, once again, no less!)
This week has been a continuation of testing and chances for my faith and trust to be built in God. Not only that, but also I have been given the opportunity on numerous occasions to see how God has used things and people from my past to minister to my now. He consistently amazes me. Not only does he use past people and life experience to feed the now - He also uses those that I have come to know since being in this town to teach me, bless me, meet physical, spiritual, and emotional needs right when I have needed it. I will say God has allowed me to be uncomfortable enough to get my attention. This is not always enjoyable - actually - this has not been very enjoyable at all except when I DO pay attention in these times I completely see the hand of God. There is a quote I read in a devotion for those that are members of Al-Anon. "Once again I had to sit and feel the discomfort of letting go." How true this has been for me. I am sure some of you have felt the same over various circumstances in life. When we think we have a handle on things - or when we think we know the answer and how things should play out to be the best for everyone. Something happens, though, reminds you that control is an illusion, and things around us are not what or where our focus and hearts should be - but our hearts should be focused on God and His characteristics.......like consistency and steadfastness...provider....comforter....healer. The list is longer - but you get the idea.
Last night I was concerned about my oldest daughter. I call her "Boo". It is just a nickname - don't know why or from where - it has just always been. Anyway - as a mom you want your kids to have things they want within reason. Like a certain jacket or pair of jeans - or in this case - tennis shoes. But, realistically you know that if you spend that much on a pair of shoes then you have to go without something else - like internet for a month. Well, Boo has gotten to the point that I don't think she even tells me really what she most desires anymore because she figures we can't get it right now anyway. But see how God has provided...Buckle jeans (found some for less than a third of the price at a local consignment store)....Ugg boots (my sister had some she was willing for Boo to have - not the color Boo wanted, but even that turned out good. I had to talk her into trying them - because they were orange- and she really didn't want to - but did - then lo and behold! She came home and talked so long about how everyone looooved her boots, where did she get them, etc....I of course smiled)......Crocs (her sister bought the real ones for her).....and so on. So the most recent desire has been for Converse tennis shoes. She hasn't been harping on them like Moo has - but like I said - I think that is because she is feeling the financial pinch so to speak. A child came in our office the other day with some really cute hot pink fake converse on - she had gotten them at Dollar General. I left work a little early and decided to see if I could find Moo and Boo some at the DG. The first one didn't have any in Moo's size, but had ONE pair in Boo's - in bright blue - wasn't really even sure she wanted some - but got them. Then at the next DG there were none, but being a persistent mom, I began checking the packed boxes in the shoe section - found some pink and green camo ones for Moo and a pair of tan slide on shoes for Tate! WooHooo! So, that afternoon I was able to surprise them with it all. Moo was disappointed they weren't the color she wanted - but was happy enough and Tate was overjoyed (he really likes shoes), Boo - hard to read - I couldn't really tell if she liked them or not - she said she did, but her body language also said, "they are okay, whatever." So, I was disappointed - Moo's and Tate's were too big - Boo's fit great.
So, I was telling my friend that I really felt Boo said she liked them so as to not disappoint me. I didn't want that - I want Boo to say definitively what she does and does not like/want. I do not want her just trying to put herself second in order to please people or try and make them happy or go with the flow. Keep in mind I do know that compromise is essential to every good relationship, and that the ability to go with the flow is vital. I just want her to want things from her heart and not because she feels that will make people happy.
So - her heart is what I was concerned about - and that led to the whole, "I'm not sure I am being a good mom during this season in my family." My friend assured me that I am - she reminded me I am teaching them about God, what the Bible says, and they are watching love and mercy in action in our home. I needed to hear that - and God allowed her to say it to me.
Then, I got home and here is the note left on the bed by my 12 year old, 6th grade, Boo...
"Mom,
Hey, I just wanted to say I love you. I'm not really sure if this is correct I do this or not (yes, these are her words and exactly how she wrote it), but you always give us verses. So, here's one for you: Psalms 37:7. I love you a lot!.....P.S. I'm not saying dad is evil by this verse (and a smiley face here)" She drew a big heart with an arrow running through it and at the bottom of the page she wrote,’ do not be in troubles, rise above them!'
When did she grow up? I cried without even knowing what the verse said yet, because I knew that God was reassuring me that not only did he hear my concerns earlier, but he allowed me a glimpse of what he is doing - yet again - in my children - and using that to teach me.
Thank you, Jesus, for so richly blessing me and comforting me exactly when I need it every time!!!
"Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes." Psalm 37:7 (this morning she told me she meant to include verses 4-7, but still - what a treasure to see God working in my children - and to minister to me, once again, no less!)
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Yesterday
Too often I think of "yesterday". "Yesterday we had fun", "yesterday I didn't have grey hair", "yesterday I weighed less", and on and on. I read a C.S. Lewis quote the other day, "Has this world been so kind to you that you should leave with regret? There are better things ahead than any we leave behind."
I have heard of "seeing your life flash before your eyes" and things like that when something tragic, or almost tragic, happens. Yesterday, I experienced a near death experience. Well, as near as one can come before acutally being injured or killed anyway. I am traveling down a road in my town to get my oldest from play practice at school. There were two men jogging on the other side of the street. The street is winding but not too bad. All of a sudden they jump further off the road as a car comes careening around the bend - the car misses them (barely) and swerves - heading sideways in the curve and straight at me. At this point there is horrible screeching of tires and me just sitting there thinking, "this isn't really happening. I am going to die." No other thoughts - no life flash - who knows - maybe that was because it was not my time to go.
At the last second she corrects but has lost control - goes past me, hits the phone pole and goes straight into the ditch and hits the boulder. There is a loud pop as her windows shatter and her car crumples. The joggers and myself are in shock - but finally start moving - heading up the road - Then it hits me - they may be dead, I could have been dead - those men could have been dead - and then Amy Grant starts singing in my head - Angels Watching Over Me (after reading my other posts you know enough to know my brain is strange at times). Anyway - with Amy singing - I dial 911 and think of my kids - who would take care of them? Who would step up when my husband is not capable right now? My mom and sisters have too much of their own stuff - my brother has just started, really, his married life - no kids yet - and my dad wouldn't be able to either - I think my husband's daughter and her husband would step in - but would the court give them problems? there is no life insurance on me - I wonder if they can get social security? All while on hold with 911.
Finally, I get to find the girls in the car are not only alive - by the sheer grace of God Almighty!, but are completely uninjured! She is a teen, late for practice, and, "so sorry". I was not real sympathetic. She almost killed three people and upended so many many lives for being late.
Wow! what an eye opener for a chronic speeder like me.
I don't have to answer those questions today that came up yesterday, but I do know that my heart is praying even more for a breakthrough with my husband and his condition - that he would completely surrender and humble himself to the Lord. I don't want to have to think about the questions from yesterday.....at least not today.
I have heard of "seeing your life flash before your eyes" and things like that when something tragic, or almost tragic, happens. Yesterday, I experienced a near death experience. Well, as near as one can come before acutally being injured or killed anyway. I am traveling down a road in my town to get my oldest from play practice at school. There were two men jogging on the other side of the street. The street is winding but not too bad. All of a sudden they jump further off the road as a car comes careening around the bend - the car misses them (barely) and swerves - heading sideways in the curve and straight at me. At this point there is horrible screeching of tires and me just sitting there thinking, "this isn't really happening. I am going to die." No other thoughts - no life flash - who knows - maybe that was because it was not my time to go.
At the last second she corrects but has lost control - goes past me, hits the phone pole and goes straight into the ditch and hits the boulder. There is a loud pop as her windows shatter and her car crumples. The joggers and myself are in shock - but finally start moving - heading up the road - Then it hits me - they may be dead, I could have been dead - those men could have been dead - and then Amy Grant starts singing in my head - Angels Watching Over Me (after reading my other posts you know enough to know my brain is strange at times). Anyway - with Amy singing - I dial 911 and think of my kids - who would take care of them? Who would step up when my husband is not capable right now? My mom and sisters have too much of their own stuff - my brother has just started, really, his married life - no kids yet - and my dad wouldn't be able to either - I think my husband's daughter and her husband would step in - but would the court give them problems? there is no life insurance on me - I wonder if they can get social security? All while on hold with 911.
Finally, I get to find the girls in the car are not only alive - by the sheer grace of God Almighty!, but are completely uninjured! She is a teen, late for practice, and, "so sorry". I was not real sympathetic. She almost killed three people and upended so many many lives for being late.
Wow! what an eye opener for a chronic speeder like me.
I don't have to answer those questions today that came up yesterday, but I do know that my heart is praying even more for a breakthrough with my husband and his condition - that he would completely surrender and humble himself to the Lord. I don't want to have to think about the questions from yesterday.....at least not today.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Divine Disciplinary Dealings
"It is good that I should hope in and wait quietly for the salvation (the safety and ease) of the Lord. It is good that I should bear the yoke [of divine disciplinary dealings]."
Lamentations 3:26-27 (pg 182 Joyce Meyer's book The Secret Power of Speaking God's Love)
'Divine disciplinary dealings' is what I believe I have going on. Perseverance is what I think God is building in me. Maybe not even only perseverance - maybe even consistency. That seems to be a continuing theme in my growth as a wife, Christian, and mom. I know that when I voice my growth through this blog or to a friend the enemy takes opportunities over the next days and months to try and get me off balance and whining again. God allows it. I often do give into the whining and fussing. I am praying that as He is growing me that I do actually become consistent and develop a healthy ability to persevere. The other part of that verse is about waiting quietly and hoping. I do have hope. Do I get discouraged when things are not as I would like them, or when problems are not worked out on my time table? Or - that problems just go away and stay away - but reality is that they don't? Yes, I do become discouraged. But thank you, Jesus, that you have grown me to where I recognize my reactions and patterns sooner than before and am able to address them with scripture and prayer.
Do I wish it all didn't hurt me? Yes. Frustrate me? Yes. Sorely disappoint? Yes, but I refuse to give up hope. The hope that God promises me in Jeremiah 29:11. I do believe when we allow our circumstances to be our focus, continuing to stay in the very same patterns of reacting to them we have in the past, and if we continue to not turn to our Father - we do get beaten down. This results in a loss of hope. The enemy rejoices at this.
Do I want to say, 'my husband is an alcoholic?' No. But, he is and I have come to believe that while I have no control over that or over him and his choices, I do have a Father that loves me and is walking in this with me. He is also trying to help my husband, but too often I watch as He is pushed away by him. It so very much saddens my heart - the anger tries to take over - and the anxiety rears its evil head. But I repeat God's promises - to myself and to the enemy on the attack. When I do I can breathe again. Whether or not my husband ever truly becomes sober or not will be between him and God. If he doesn't he is losing out on so very much that life with Christ and me and the children has to offer. We, as a family, and community, lose out on all that my husband has to offer, too.
During these times I also have to remind myself that there is more to my life than having a sober husband. Is this the life God planned for us when we married? No, I don't believe it is. As long as some are deceived the others are affected. I just pray for TOTAL healing, restoration, and deliverance from anything negative the enemy has planned from the choices being made. I trust God's word that says, "ALL THINGS work together for the good of those that love the Lord and are called according to His purpose in Heaven." Romans 8:28. I completely believe that God really does mean all things - not just the good, or the alcohol free things, or the drug free things, or the grief free things - ALL THINGS!! We have to believe and hope and wait and pray continually.
Please pray with me for this!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)