Where I live we have had rain for literally 6 solid weeks. A total of what I think I heard to be about 22" this last month and a half. Yes, there have been breaks in that rain - like for 3-10 hours, but no sun to speak of. This last week it seemed like everyone around me was complaining about the rain - "will it ever stop?", "will we ever see sun again?", "let me move to California", "look what this rain has done", etc. Did I stay inside my 'perfect' self and not complain? ......uhhhhhhhh - no. I, too, found myself bemoaning all I had to do in the rain, and all the problems the rain was causing in my life. Ballgames, chauffeur to practices, grocery shopping, work - yard flooding, wet/nasty/muddy dog, streets flooding and having to take other routes to work, etc. (oh woe is me!) Then, as I said, there was about a day's break in the rain - no real sun, but enough of a break where I started planning things for the days to come (because I so very much wanted this break from the rain to be real and lasting - you know? Exhausted from the stormy weather - eagerly anticipating its passing and willing to grab hold of anything resembling a break - even though the sun isn't really out so no real change in weather can be counted on - but I am so desperate, I choose to ignore this small detail) specifically to take time off and help my husband finally be able to start the metal roofing process. Taking down and replacing fascia board around the eaves, painting said wood, painting gutters, rehanging gutters, and putting on the roof - to include cutting a ridge vent in the top and taking out the old attic vents. Lots to do - materials purchased (well except the paint and some of the wood) - seemingly ready to go.
So, I took the days off - Thursday and Friday of my kids' fall break so we could all work together. I don't get paid for time off in my current job, so to me this was a big deal. Anyway, as the day approached the forecast got worse and worse - to the point that in my prayer time I even moaned out loud about it to God.
Immediate conviction. I appreciated it, too. I hate it when I walk around not knowing I am doing wrong - I liked the immediacy of this one. So, with that conviction came new sight. I heard all the people around me complaining and recognized what I must be sounding like. I turned back to God and asked His forgiveness, and to show me what He would have me do and learn from this. He did (told you He was/is faithful!). So, my heart changed toward the rain - I began to reflect over the past six weeks and all that has gone on - but also what healing has come from being forced into more "togetherness" as a family because of the limiting power of the rain. Had it not been for this period of rain, and rain, and rain in my town my husband probably would have begun work on the house projects alone (and may still, but keep reading). With him working on the outside of the house I would have been dictating what was happening inside (yes, dictating) and taking the kids all to practices, games, parties, etc. We would not have had to be together because divide and conquer has 'worked' so efficiently in the past. (Riiiiiiiight)
God taught me differently. The rain forced togetherness at a time when we would probably have rather been apart - even while together (trust me, this is, unfortunately, possible to do). But, instead, we went to games together (even when irritated with one another), played Wii as a family (this is so much fun!), and watched family movies, cooked (yes, I cooked - don't faint at that - and they actually ate it all and like it), went to church, slept in, had kids' friends over, watched football, visited with family, etc. We (my husband and I) were also forced to finally talk and talking brought on the beginning of healing - still in this process, but, wow!, so much better - and all because of the rain. I like rain. I appreciate what it has allowed for my family, and for its refreshing properties.
So, I am allowed this insight for my life and then literally - two days later the sun out, again. So much so that I had to open the window all the way to look at the sky and try and determine if it would be an 'all day' kind of sun, or just a 'tease'. Nope, definitely an 'all day' kind of sun that day - and now we are almost four days later and it is still here. A break. Which brings me full circle. After a complete day of the sun shining I stopped looking at the sky trying to determine when the clouds would return. (How often have I done that lately in my personal life? Had a 'break' in the clouds - assumed it was really the sun - jumped in with both feet planning, living, etc -only to have the clouds and rain return? How much have I not appreciated that?) That night I realized that I hadn't heard people around me even talking about rain anymore (I mean, really, who wants to relive what had been so 'bad'?). You would probably have to have been around this area the last week to really understand how LOUD that silence really was (But, the lack of talking about the bad can actually keep others from learning from what you learned during that time - just talking about it won't make the 'rain' come back). It made me think about me and my own spiritual life (yes, again). How that is exactly how I am too much of the time. Thankful for the rain at first -it is a change in weather after all (shakes things up - uproots at times, washes away dirt, grime, 'illusions') - then I feel I have had enough (I mean, we all reach our limits, right?)- then I start complaining. First to myself, then out loud - then others join in and we have a real pity party chorus going on (oh, woe is me!! my problems are so bad - so much worse here than there)- until that ONE VOICE in the rain speaks against all the others - reminding me that rain really isn't so bad - reminding me of all it gives to the environment, people, etc. (in other words reminding me of promises made to me, asking me to trust the 'son' even when the 'clouds' are looming near - not to discount the 'son' all together). Not really the words we (the chorusing crowd) want to hear necessarily, but once the words are out we are forced to reassess - that can be uncomfortable - but some do and some don't - then we slowly divide - Those of us that don't at all agree with that ONE VOICE just go on about our business - complaining or whatever. The others of us that recognize some truth in ONE VOICE stop and look around. We want to complain still, because that has become comfortable, but are not really sure if anyone else will join in - we are almost more afraid they will because we know we really don't want them to since that Voice was right after all. So, we sit quietly -hopefully reflecting - some even dare to join the Voice, but mainly we just sit uncomfortably looking inside us and thinking- and yes, that can bring about good eventually, but we have to do something with the truth we have learned for that 'good' to be seen and appreciated. This takes faith. Faith that the sun really is still there - despite what the current circumstances look like right now. Faith that no matter how muddy things are, or how deep the water is - the 'son' is there and willing to help us with those issues.
Then..................the sun does come out! So, we LEAP back into life and all its running around - trying to take advantage of this break in the rain/storms of late - and some of us even move on to 'sun worship'-while this can be a good thing we tend to forget about the rain, our discomfort, what we learned from the Voice, and all of it because we are comfortable again!! WooHoooo!! (we just really don't want anymore rain for a loooooong time - tired of discomfort - almost fearful of it returning too soon)
I see, now, that I don't want to just be comfortable -I don't like constant rain, mind you, but, I don't want to forget what it that time of rain and storms felt like, either. I won't even go as far as saying I want to live in the rain, but I am far enough along that I can say I so appreciate and benefit from what it brings when it comes - so I don't want to forget the rain, or fear its return in my future - because I know I always have the "Son" no matter what the forecast (satan) is currently saying about how bad it is or how bad it is yet to be.
The sun is out, though, and begs to be appreciated and utilized and trusted. The rain has done its part (for now), but it just might be really okay to enjoy the sun for a bit.
I pray I do not become complacent in my "Son" worship- that I do appreciate the growth that comes withe sun following the rain - while not forgetting the lessons learned and strength gained from the storms. That I relive, and tell others of the miracles, and growth, and awesome rescues that occurred during those "storms of '09" only by the hand, grace, mercy, and love of my Savior, the Son, Jesus Christ!
Lord, let the 'Son' shine through me!!
"For if you (Reeda) remain silent at this time (whether clear or storming), relief and deliverance for the Jews (those around you- family, friends, coworkers, patients) will arise from another place (God is giving you the opportunity to be used, but you do have free will. If you choose not to speak up then God will use someone else- but His Will will be fulfilled), but you and your father's family will perish (literally and figuratively - do you really want to miss out on God's awesome blessing for your life just by being obedient to Him? or for the lives of your children - the blessings that could be for them if you obey - heed God's direction - continue to sink your roots in!). And who knows but that you have come to royal position (royal 'pain'? 'suffering royally'? we have all said something like this before, but what if we are really supposed to be 'royally thankful' no matter our situation or 'lowly/feeling like we are drowning in the storm' position?) for such a time as this (right NOW!, right where YOU ARE!, rain or shine!)?"Esther 4:13-15
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Monday, October 12, 2009
Thankful Living
"No matter what happens, always be thankful, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:18
Read that again. I read it and hear it like this, "no matter what, Reeda, be thankful in what you are going through. This is MY will for you! This is The Plan. You don't need to look for my will, you are walking in it." Wow! Maybe my hearing is not right, but still - wow. How much do I search and pray and think, "if only there was a billboard and on it I would love it if God would post directions, along with a detailed agenda. Wouldn't that be fantastic?
But, I guess that does away with the whole "choice/free will" thing He wants us to make and use. So, each day I am learning something new about God's love, patience, gentleness, grace, and mercy. I sometimes fall back into my whole "man on a throne" image I have held for so long. You know - the man just waiting for you to mess up so he can 'zap' you. From everything I am reading in the New Testament, my image does not depict God at all. I am so extremely grateful for that!
Let's catch up. My children are now 11 (almost 12), 10, and 6. I have two girls and a boy. This summer they were with their sister and her husband out of state. That was such a blessing - especially in light of everything that went on here this summer - and the kids had such a great time and even made new friends.
The kids are not unaware of their parents' issues - and what I am learning from them is so surprising and amazing. I am learning about trust, resiliency, and pure love. Watching them absorb and deal with the truth of our lives currently has been nothing short of a miracle straight from Jesus. They have asked questions, prayed, written, talked about, and cried at times - but have also readily embraced, forgiven, let the questions go, and have not been demanding or neurotic when issues have arisen again. Wow. That, my friends, is God at work. I am so thankful that I am blessed to see it.
What my kids are teaching me is how to actually let things go. How to completely trust God that He has all of this - and the future- covered. Most of all they are teaching me how to "stay in today". I am so, so thankful God blessed me with these kids.
My husband appears to be doing great. Spending lots of family time - initiated praying together again, not over focusing on what he can't control to the point of frustration, and also reaching out to others (even though I still have to keep a reign on my own expectations for him in this area - and recognize them for what they are my expectations). I know we both have far to go in this recovery process, but that is what it is - a process. Not a definite beginning - most likely never a complete ending except in death. So, I adopt the slogans and learn from the living examples that are my children - "Just for Today," and "keep it simple".
I love my family - even with all of our screw ups, hurts, imperfections, and warts. I love Jesus and am so thankful for what He is doing in my life to grow me and prepare me. I am so thankful for friends and family that help so often - in so many, many ways.
I am also thankful, that despite everything I consider a trouble or hurt in my marriage, that Jesus placed my husband in my life. Not only that, but that my husband loves Jesus and his family and is learning how to let go and live for today.
With Jesus' help and direction (even without that billboard) I press on - enjoying the sunshine in my life as well as the rain and storms.
Thank you, Jesus. I am content, expectantly waiting, and thankful.
Much love.
Read that again. I read it and hear it like this, "no matter what, Reeda, be thankful in what you are going through. This is MY will for you! This is The Plan. You don't need to look for my will, you are walking in it." Wow! Maybe my hearing is not right, but still - wow. How much do I search and pray and think, "if only there was a billboard and on it I would love it if God would post directions, along with a detailed agenda. Wouldn't that be fantastic?
But, I guess that does away with the whole "choice/free will" thing He wants us to make and use. So, each day I am learning something new about God's love, patience, gentleness, grace, and mercy. I sometimes fall back into my whole "man on a throne" image I have held for so long. You know - the man just waiting for you to mess up so he can 'zap' you. From everything I am reading in the New Testament, my image does not depict God at all. I am so extremely grateful for that!
Let's catch up. My children are now 11 (almost 12), 10, and 6. I have two girls and a boy. This summer they were with their sister and her husband out of state. That was such a blessing - especially in light of everything that went on here this summer - and the kids had such a great time and even made new friends.
The kids are not unaware of their parents' issues - and what I am learning from them is so surprising and amazing. I am learning about trust, resiliency, and pure love. Watching them absorb and deal with the truth of our lives currently has been nothing short of a miracle straight from Jesus. They have asked questions, prayed, written, talked about, and cried at times - but have also readily embraced, forgiven, let the questions go, and have not been demanding or neurotic when issues have arisen again. Wow. That, my friends, is God at work. I am so thankful that I am blessed to see it.
What my kids are teaching me is how to actually let things go. How to completely trust God that He has all of this - and the future- covered. Most of all they are teaching me how to "stay in today". I am so, so thankful God blessed me with these kids.
My husband appears to be doing great. Spending lots of family time - initiated praying together again, not over focusing on what he can't control to the point of frustration, and also reaching out to others (even though I still have to keep a reign on my own expectations for him in this area - and recognize them for what they are my expectations). I know we both have far to go in this recovery process, but that is what it is - a process. Not a definite beginning - most likely never a complete ending except in death. So, I adopt the slogans and learn from the living examples that are my children - "Just for Today," and "keep it simple".
I love my family - even with all of our screw ups, hurts, imperfections, and warts. I love Jesus and am so thankful for what He is doing in my life to grow me and prepare me. I am so thankful for friends and family that help so often - in so many, many ways.
I am also thankful, that despite everything I consider a trouble or hurt in my marriage, that Jesus placed my husband in my life. Not only that, but that my husband loves Jesus and his family and is learning how to let go and live for today.
With Jesus' help and direction (even without that billboard) I press on - enjoying the sunshine in my life as well as the rain and storms.
Thank you, Jesus. I am content, expectantly waiting, and thankful.
Much love.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Overflowing
"Let your roots grow down into him and draw up nourishment from him, so you will grow in faith, strong and vigorous in the truth you were taught. Let your lives overflow with thanksgiving for all he has done." Colossians 1:7
That is exactly it - Overflowing. I am filled to overflowing - growing ever so much more closely to Christ through my personal trials and battles with flesh. I am so extremely thankful to Christ - for his friendship, his faithfulness, his comfort, his presence. I truly had a wonderful weekend with my family. We all spent time together watching a movie and going to ball games and just hanging out together. My husband and I spent valuable time together, also. Doing much needed talking and reconnecting. Such a great weekend.
But, it is now Tuesday, and despite how I was even "feeling" yesterday, today I am not so overflowing. Fear has stopped the flow. I have moments of the cork letting go some, but then it goes back into the spot and stops it all up again. Prayer, time with God, and music are all helping - but thinking, remembering, and certain tastes and smells - bring the fear raging back and it stops the flow again. I HATE IT!
So, what I am going to continue to do is bury my "roots" into Him and wait for His nourishment to fill and sustain me - to the point there is no longer room for fear in my life! Not because things around me are going my way or there are no troubles in my immediate life - but because He is in me - His nourishment is stabilizing me - and soon I have enough to share with others - because I am overflowing!
That is exactly it - Overflowing. I am filled to overflowing - growing ever so much more closely to Christ through my personal trials and battles with flesh. I am so extremely thankful to Christ - for his friendship, his faithfulness, his comfort, his presence. I truly had a wonderful weekend with my family. We all spent time together watching a movie and going to ball games and just hanging out together. My husband and I spent valuable time together, also. Doing much needed talking and reconnecting. Such a great weekend.
But, it is now Tuesday, and despite how I was even "feeling" yesterday, today I am not so overflowing. Fear has stopped the flow. I have moments of the cork letting go some, but then it goes back into the spot and stops it all up again. Prayer, time with God, and music are all helping - but thinking, remembering, and certain tastes and smells - bring the fear raging back and it stops the flow again. I HATE IT!
So, what I am going to continue to do is bury my "roots" into Him and wait for His nourishment to fill and sustain me - to the point there is no longer room for fear in my life! Not because things around me are going my way or there are no troubles in my immediate life - but because He is in me - His nourishment is stabilizing me - and soon I have enough to share with others - because I am overflowing!
Lord, please fill me up. Stabilize me so I can be a stabilizing influence on my children and family. Give me peace that I may grow despite my circumstances. Strength so that I can make the difficult and uncomfortable decisions when needed - despite what others may think of me. Love, so that I can share it with all around me. Lord, help me not allow fear to overrun my life and snuff out everything that is good. Thank you, Jesus. I love you.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Casting the beam....
Do you have anyone that really, really irritates you? That maybe you have prayed for, but they still irritate you? Sometimes just by existing. Unfortunately I have people in my life and in my past that have, and what comes up every single time is, "Cast the beam from your own eye (Reeda) before you attempt to remove the speck from your neighbor's eye."
Now, when I am really bothered by someone or something I try and look at them from the perspective 0f, "what do I not like about them - that is actually a problem in my own life or with my personality?"
I admit this is not easy to do. Especially when my pride tries to take over. Of course, we all know what happens when pride gets in the driver's seat - complete and utter destruction.
So, when I do stop and reassess the situation, I am much more tolerant and can usually then learn something or change something within myself or my life.
I am talking about this because I really despise being told what I am not good at or don't do well enough. It especially hurts coming from those you love. I do try and do some things better, but sometimes I just don't want to give them the satisfaction (yeah, really mature, I know). Then, in pain I will often lash back at them or just shut them out completely.
So, now it is time, once again, to analyze my part in all of this. What about them do I not like about me - what do they do that I really hate having done to me - which usually means I am probably really, really bad about doing just that to others. I don't like it when I am only told what I do wrong - when there is not anything positive about me or what I do right that is brought up. So, that being said -I am now going to focus on that with people. I am praying for God to soften my heart and keep me aware in this area. Too often and too easily I allow my flesh and pride get in the driver's seat when "hurt" like this. I don't want to do that here.
So, yesterday's Bible reading from Psalms really spoke to me. For a while now I have felt that David was kind of whiny. It has felt like all he does is cry out to God about how everyone hates him and how awful things are for him and can't God fix it all and kill those that hate him? First, let me admit that I know God used David in such a mighty way -and I really do have respect for his life and thankfulness in my heart for a lot of his writing. I just tell you what I have been feeling to show what I have learned.
So, yesterday's Psalm in the one year Bible was Psalm 73:1-28. I so very much identified with the writer here - it was not David - it was Asaph - the day before that it was Solomon - so first I learned ALL whining is not from David ;0) Second I learned again - all these books and verses are in here for a reason. Here is what I got - I identified with his confession of being envious of those that appear so richly blessed despite their lack of acknowledgement of God. It is so easy to look at others and wonder "why?" about my personal situation when theirs seems to be so good despite how much I am doing and where my heart is in my own situation. Like most two year old adults I tend to want to sit down and whine, too (probably why the whining bugs me so much). Then, I come to my senses - so to speak- and remind myself and God of how faithful he has been to me and for me in the past - That I do believe Romans 8:28 and Jeremiah 29:11 - that God IS my strength and comfort in good and bad times - even though I may be too focused on myself to remember that at the time. I am so very thankful that God uses even those from thousands of years ago to remind me - vs. 25b, "I desire you more than anything on the earth. My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever."
Yes. I do desire Him - a relationship/friendship with God more than anything else. I do know that despite my current "feelings" or circumstances He is what is important and what matters most - everything else is so very fleeting. Why do I even get so tangled up in it? My health may fail - my spirit may become weak and doubting - or worse - feel "justified", but GOD IS FAITHFUL!! He continues to meet me right where I am - he hasn't forgotten me and neither is he surprised about where I am or what I am currently going through - so - all that being said and believed by this small human - He comforts me with the reminders from his word - full circle to where I started when not in "troubled/trying" times - He is a God of order - not chaos, He does know how many days I will be on this earth, He does have great plans for me (if I am on board because He did give free will), but despite anything else - God can make something good out of ANYTHING I may currently perceive as "bad" and will do so!!!
My prayer for my children and my marriage continues. Protection for my children - that they would not be so negatively effected by my human frailty and faults and slips. Full restoration for my marriage - so that through our testimony others will be richly blessed in their lives and marriages and troubles by God - and even brought closer to Him.
My prayer for myself is that God would continue to use me and mold me into his image - that I would follow His will and not my own - and that he will continually give me the strength to carry that out.
Now, when I am really bothered by someone or something I try and look at them from the perspective 0f, "what do I not like about them - that is actually a problem in my own life or with my personality?"
I admit this is not easy to do. Especially when my pride tries to take over. Of course, we all know what happens when pride gets in the driver's seat - complete and utter destruction.
So, when I do stop and reassess the situation, I am much more tolerant and can usually then learn something or change something within myself or my life.
I am talking about this because I really despise being told what I am not good at or don't do well enough. It especially hurts coming from those you love. I do try and do some things better, but sometimes I just don't want to give them the satisfaction (yeah, really mature, I know). Then, in pain I will often lash back at them or just shut them out completely.
So, now it is time, once again, to analyze my part in all of this. What about them do I not like about me - what do they do that I really hate having done to me - which usually means I am probably really, really bad about doing just that to others. I don't like it when I am only told what I do wrong - when there is not anything positive about me or what I do right that is brought up. So, that being said -I am now going to focus on that with people. I am praying for God to soften my heart and keep me aware in this area. Too often and too easily I allow my flesh and pride get in the driver's seat when "hurt" like this. I don't want to do that here.
So, yesterday's Bible reading from Psalms really spoke to me. For a while now I have felt that David was kind of whiny. It has felt like all he does is cry out to God about how everyone hates him and how awful things are for him and can't God fix it all and kill those that hate him? First, let me admit that I know God used David in such a mighty way -and I really do have respect for his life and thankfulness in my heart for a lot of his writing. I just tell you what I have been feeling to show what I have learned.
So, yesterday's Psalm in the one year Bible was Psalm 73:1-28. I so very much identified with the writer here - it was not David - it was Asaph - the day before that it was Solomon - so first I learned ALL whining is not from David ;0) Second I learned again - all these books and verses are in here for a reason. Here is what I got - I identified with his confession of being envious of those that appear so richly blessed despite their lack of acknowledgement of God. It is so easy to look at others and wonder "why?" about my personal situation when theirs seems to be so good despite how much I am doing and where my heart is in my own situation. Like most two year old adults I tend to want to sit down and whine, too (probably why the whining bugs me so much). Then, I come to my senses - so to speak- and remind myself and God of how faithful he has been to me and for me in the past - That I do believe Romans 8:28 and Jeremiah 29:11 - that God IS my strength and comfort in good and bad times - even though I may be too focused on myself to remember that at the time. I am so very thankful that God uses even those from thousands of years ago to remind me - vs. 25b, "I desire you more than anything on the earth. My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever."
Yes. I do desire Him - a relationship/friendship with God more than anything else. I do know that despite my current "feelings" or circumstances He is what is important and what matters most - everything else is so very fleeting. Why do I even get so tangled up in it? My health may fail - my spirit may become weak and doubting - or worse - feel "justified", but GOD IS FAITHFUL!! He continues to meet me right where I am - he hasn't forgotten me and neither is he surprised about where I am or what I am currently going through - so - all that being said and believed by this small human - He comforts me with the reminders from his word - full circle to where I started when not in "troubled/trying" times - He is a God of order - not chaos, He does know how many days I will be on this earth, He does have great plans for me (if I am on board because He did give free will), but despite anything else - God can make something good out of ANYTHING I may currently perceive as "bad" and will do so!!!
My prayer for my children and my marriage continues. Protection for my children - that they would not be so negatively effected by my human frailty and faults and slips. Full restoration for my marriage - so that through our testimony others will be richly blessed in their lives and marriages and troubles by God - and even brought closer to Him.
My prayer for myself is that God would continue to use me and mold me into his image - that I would follow His will and not my own - and that he will continually give me the strength to carry that out.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
....and repeat Step One.....
So, the eye of this particular storm has passed and I am currently in the other part of the storm.
I am having to re-learn some things I thought I had learned already. This is humbling. I prefer to hold on to some semblance of control right now, but in my heart I know it is an illusion.
I haven't been in control even when I thought I had control. I cannot make people act "right" or make wise choices. I cannot prevent bad things from happening to myself, my kids, and my family. Wow. That is so difficult to admit. My current situation is causing me to question things I have always done - especially my old coping skills, and ways of reacting to certain situations/triggers. I am finding that through the years I have become healthier in some ways, and in others I have stayed mired in my childish ways of dealing. I am really having prayers answered. I know that when I prayed them, beginning two years ago, I had NO IDEA that the working out of the answers would look like this or feel like this. The Lord truly knew, long before I did, how weak I would be in this situation - so it is really good that He didn't share His plans with me - lest I had run - run for the hills!! I am finally beginning to understand that IN MY WEAKNESS HE IS STRONG! Amen!
I am not as exhausted as I was last week - that kind of tired that comes from the inside out? You know what I mean? Just when I thought, "I cannot put one foot in front of the other" I would hear a song, or get a call, email, or facebook message - and that person would not even know I was dealing with things from a low, low place, but lifted me up anyway - without me uttering a word - that, my friends, is God at work.
Again, I am not where I would choose to be, but am very thankful for where I am and what God is doing in me. I just pray that I will continue to keep my eyes on Him - and when I veer off His path - He would continue to steer me back on very quickly.
I am thankful that even when I became consumed with anger and hurt again this weekend - and really, really wanted to lash out at my presumed offender - I instead (well, maybe after a few not well spoken words - but again, quickly convicted about my behavior) literally cried out to God. Sat on my bed and begged God to help me and my kids and my husband.
He heard me.
The verse God gave me last week, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers (and sisters ;0), whenever you face trials of any kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4 kept coming back to me and then LITERALLY God gave it to me at church on Sunday night - reminding me - "Hey, Reeda, just wanted to remind you, I AM here, I AM with you, and I AM listening. I AM." - God
Just like that - my anger and resentment toward my situation and my husband dissolved. There is no way to explain it to where you can possibly understand - it just did. God is working on us individually and together. Am I still scared? Sure, but I am reminded again that no matter what my circumstances may bring, my GOD is bigger than my circumstances and will lift me above the flood of waters if I just call out and look for His hand. I am once again on dry land, gaining my bearings in this rainstorm, and waiting on the SON to shine through me.
(Periodically you can even catch me dancing in the rain ;o)
So, while there is healing yet to happen and struggles yet to be faced, and more growth ahead (I mean there has to be, right? - with all of this rain the seedlings inside me are being fed - only because I am choosing to focus on God's directions for growth and maintenance)- I am not specifically dreading it all. Trust me, that is ONLY GOD AT WORK inside my life.
All praise and glory to God, my Father!! I pray you all dance, too.
I am having to re-learn some things I thought I had learned already. This is humbling. I prefer to hold on to some semblance of control right now, but in my heart I know it is an illusion.
I haven't been in control even when I thought I had control. I cannot make people act "right" or make wise choices. I cannot prevent bad things from happening to myself, my kids, and my family. Wow. That is so difficult to admit. My current situation is causing me to question things I have always done - especially my old coping skills, and ways of reacting to certain situations/triggers. I am finding that through the years I have become healthier in some ways, and in others I have stayed mired in my childish ways of dealing. I am really having prayers answered. I know that when I prayed them, beginning two years ago, I had NO IDEA that the working out of the answers would look like this or feel like this. The Lord truly knew, long before I did, how weak I would be in this situation - so it is really good that He didn't share His plans with me - lest I had run - run for the hills!! I am finally beginning to understand that IN MY WEAKNESS HE IS STRONG! Amen!
I am not as exhausted as I was last week - that kind of tired that comes from the inside out? You know what I mean? Just when I thought, "I cannot put one foot in front of the other" I would hear a song, or get a call, email, or facebook message - and that person would not even know I was dealing with things from a low, low place, but lifted me up anyway - without me uttering a word - that, my friends, is God at work.
Again, I am not where I would choose to be, but am very thankful for where I am and what God is doing in me. I just pray that I will continue to keep my eyes on Him - and when I veer off His path - He would continue to steer me back on very quickly.
I am thankful that even when I became consumed with anger and hurt again this weekend - and really, really wanted to lash out at my presumed offender - I instead (well, maybe after a few not well spoken words - but again, quickly convicted about my behavior) literally cried out to God. Sat on my bed and begged God to help me and my kids and my husband.
He heard me.
The verse God gave me last week, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers (and sisters ;0), whenever you face trials of any kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4 kept coming back to me and then LITERALLY God gave it to me at church on Sunday night - reminding me - "Hey, Reeda, just wanted to remind you, I AM here, I AM with you, and I AM listening. I AM." - God
Just like that - my anger and resentment toward my situation and my husband dissolved. There is no way to explain it to where you can possibly understand - it just did. God is working on us individually and together. Am I still scared? Sure, but I am reminded again that no matter what my circumstances may bring, my GOD is bigger than my circumstances and will lift me above the flood of waters if I just call out and look for His hand. I am once again on dry land, gaining my bearings in this rainstorm, and waiting on the SON to shine through me.
(Periodically you can even catch me dancing in the rain ;o)
So, while there is healing yet to happen and struggles yet to be faced, and more growth ahead (I mean there has to be, right? - with all of this rain the seedlings inside me are being fed - only because I am choosing to focus on God's directions for growth and maintenance)- I am not specifically dreading it all. Trust me, that is ONLY GOD AT WORK inside my life.
All praise and glory to God, my Father!! I pray you all dance, too.
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