So, here I am almost two months later. My soil has been turned, weeds are being torn out by the roots, and new seeds have been planted. God is so very good. Not only is healing happening, but also growth. New roots are forming - taking over where the weeds were growing and choking out Life.
I am so thankful for a Christian husband. One that loves his family, his wife, and his children enough to continue on this walk with me. Even when I am at my most fearful - walking completely in the flesh - God uses his willing heart to nudge me back. Prayer works. That is so important to know. It works for healing, for restoration, and for guidance. I have often wondered how people could say they "love Jesus" even when so much "bad" is happening to them personally. Where does that kind of devotion come from? I am not sure I have had that kind of devotion in the past, but not only am I coming to understand it now, but also the love part. I am genuinely in love with Jesus. Not because life is going my way -because there are things trying to come against my family that tend to make life difficult - or because I have everything I "want" or any other superficial thing like that. No, I am in love with Him because I now am beginning to see how very much He loves me despite all my "cracks". Through this firing process my own personal wax has been being melted away. My cracks that have evidently been being covered and filled in by superficial knowledge and words are coming out. Sort of like those games we would play on youth trips - "when squeezed (through a difficult situation), what do you get? Lemons or lemonade?" I was usually in the lemon group - irritated, bossy, bothered, etc. I could cover it well though when necessary.
Well, nothing like a fire to melt it all away. Again - I am not too fond of the process, but am so very thankful that He loves me enough to fill in those cracks with Him when they become exposed. I don't deserve that kind of love or grace - can never measure up. But for all I don't understand about God and His undying and unfailing love, I do understand He does know me, my circumstances, and where I am. He hears me, holds me, walks with me, and guides me.
So, I continue to grow my roots in Him, so when the winds and storms come, I am well "grounded" and difficult to move. I look forward to my time with Him and thank him so very, very much for His multitude of blessings!!
Friday, August 21, 2009
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
The Garden
This past spring my husband began tilling and preparing our backyard to plant a garden. This year's garden is bigger than last year and he added a second section. The preparing of the soil took longer than I expected. First he had to research what tool would be best to use (last year he did it by hand with a hoe and I sooooo feel for pioneers!), then he purchased it and finally started using it. He had to get the hang of it - it was lighter and faster than he expected at first - but once he got the hang of it he was on his way - and having a great time - and he even let our (just turned) six year old operate it, too.
So - then came the planting, weeding, putting up posts (to keep our dog from trampling through), and chicken wire for the veggies to climb on, watering, fertilizing, etc.
FINALLY we started seeing sprouts. To say my husband was excited is small. He was thrilled - everyday he would come in and change and go outside to work in the garden.
I will admit that a lot of days I resented it because I didn't appreciate the time it took - weeding, watering, fertilizing, admiring small, tiny, (looking a lot like weeds) sprouts that he was taking such care of. He loved it though and I begrudgingly adjusted my expectations.
He offered many days for me to go outside and help him weed or work when I mentioned how much time he spent out there. I didn't ever take him up on it. WEEDING? REALLY? Get bug bitten? hot? and dirty for some sprouts that I thought looked a lot like weeds? No thanks.
By June we had tall tomato plants, corn stalks, beans climbing, watermelon vines reaching, and squash and cucumbers growing. I was amazed, but still not as impressed as him. Then we had torrential storms - they flattened everything except the tomatoes. After two days of rain we had a break and he went out and tried to stand everything back up. I did support this because it meant so much to him - he spent many hours weeding, posting, tying, and shoring up. That night another storm - the next day - he stood the corn up again - then that night a storm that had hail and wind and really bad rain. He basically said to me that he wasn't standing it all up again - if it didn't recover - so be it. I stood at the window that night and prayed that God would spare our garden. Why? Because my husband had put so much into them both and with everything going on at his job I really didn't want to see him so defeated.
The next morning with the sun brought the show of damage done. Two trees fell - our roof was damaged and the yard was a horrible mess with leaves, limbs and debris. The power had also gone out during this particular storm. But, WOW! How awesome is my God?
The tree in the backyard fell JUST TO THE RIGHT of the garden! Coincidence? No. God spared our garden. The tree in the front yard fell where we normally park, but the van wasn't there so no damage was done - again - God knew back in March that this storm was headed our way - so He guided us then to have it be in a lot for sale at a different location.
I tell you all this for two reasons - as I have come to appreciate the garden (if not the work), I have also started taking an active part with my husband in the care of it - although he does the lion's share. I see the garden in my yard as so much like my spiritual life. How?
Well, in the spring, personal storms began brewing (God preparing my soil) - then my grandfather, who had such a powerful influence on my spiritual life and foundation, got sick all of a sudden and died after a month with cancer. I was blessed with being able to go and help my mom, aunt and uncle on the weekends stay with him and care for him - in the middle of that - my mom fell at his house and fractured her shoulder - could not even dress herself, bathe herself, make her own food, or drive. I had the opportunity to serve my mom in the most elemental of ways during that 5 weeks. She is home now and I have stayed only one weekend because of all the other personal stuff that has come up - but God provided my sister in law and brother to be there to help care for her at her home (which is where she wanted to be).
So, during that time I was able to really reflect on my personal legacy - what trail am I leaving behind? What do my children and husband see?
My grandfather was given the gift of evangelism. Even dying of cancer he asked nurses and hospice workers if they knew Jesus and where they were attending church. He was not ashamed of the Gospel of Christ. His neighbors came to share all there interactions with him - visit with him and thank him. He cared for the widows around him and always looked out for them. He took initiative in his neighborhood, church, family, and community - even when it wasn't always welcome. In 2007 when I was able to spend one on one time with him in the hospital, he told me then to start reading Ezekiel - the end was drawing near. He told me to make sure my relationship with Christ was on track - and encouraged me to share Him with others - Granddaddy also took the time to remind me that he prayed daily, by name, for each member of my family - and me. I cherish that. I know his prayers made a difference in my life.
So, in this season of God "tilling" my heart's soil, planting His seeds (bringing events into my life that I could grow through or not allow to root) providing fertilizer (relationships with others, His word, church, music, etc) if I chose to partake of it, providing water (His word - and sometimes storms), to help these fledgling seeds take root and grow. But, the weeding is just as vital - and can be painful - the tearing out of bad habits, destructive ways or thoughts, past hurts, etc - to allow room for the new growth. Then - more rain, fertilizer, and weeding as the growth continues. Now the sprouts are big - reaching constantly toward the SON - the flowers open wide to allow the necessary "bug" in - that exact thing needed to fertilize and spur on naturally - specifically designed for me and my "flower". But the enemy has plans, too. The enemy is a master manipulator and liar - takes what is meant for good and can pervert it - if we don't get rid of those things in our life garden, then it can drown us (if we don't have good drainage), eat us (if we allow the wrong 'bugs' into our flower), or burn us (if we plant ourselves in the wrong part of the yard with too much or too little sun).
So, daily tending is needed. Plans are needed. Preparation is needed. Help is needed.
We are not islands unto ourselves. God designed us to have help weeding our gardens as needed. Help to spur us on, to taking in the fertilizer and water, and tempering both - knowing when to keep certain bugs, and when to demolish the others.
When we do these things the 'fruit' born of our toil, labor, and weeding pain - is so very, very good - and abundant enough to share with others!
If we focus only on the pain of the problem we are in - we have the potential to become stagnant, drown, or eaten alive. Instead, I ask you to consider keeping your blooms open to the SON, and your tendrils reaching constantly for new ground to grow in - led by His hand- through the fertilizing and weeding and watering of our time with Him, with friends striving toward Him also, and through praise of our Father.
I now so much more appreciate my garden. Thank you, Abba.
So - then came the planting, weeding, putting up posts (to keep our dog from trampling through), and chicken wire for the veggies to climb on, watering, fertilizing, etc.
FINALLY we started seeing sprouts. To say my husband was excited is small. He was thrilled - everyday he would come in and change and go outside to work in the garden.
I will admit that a lot of days I resented it because I didn't appreciate the time it took - weeding, watering, fertilizing, admiring small, tiny, (looking a lot like weeds) sprouts that he was taking such care of. He loved it though and I begrudgingly adjusted my expectations.
He offered many days for me to go outside and help him weed or work when I mentioned how much time he spent out there. I didn't ever take him up on it. WEEDING? REALLY? Get bug bitten? hot? and dirty for some sprouts that I thought looked a lot like weeds? No thanks.
By June we had tall tomato plants, corn stalks, beans climbing, watermelon vines reaching, and squash and cucumbers growing. I was amazed, but still not as impressed as him. Then we had torrential storms - they flattened everything except the tomatoes. After two days of rain we had a break and he went out and tried to stand everything back up. I did support this because it meant so much to him - he spent many hours weeding, posting, tying, and shoring up. That night another storm - the next day - he stood the corn up again - then that night a storm that had hail and wind and really bad rain. He basically said to me that he wasn't standing it all up again - if it didn't recover - so be it. I stood at the window that night and prayed that God would spare our garden. Why? Because my husband had put so much into them both and with everything going on at his job I really didn't want to see him so defeated.
The next morning with the sun brought the show of damage done. Two trees fell - our roof was damaged and the yard was a horrible mess with leaves, limbs and debris. The power had also gone out during this particular storm. But, WOW! How awesome is my God?
The tree in the backyard fell JUST TO THE RIGHT of the garden! Coincidence? No. God spared our garden. The tree in the front yard fell where we normally park, but the van wasn't there so no damage was done - again - God knew back in March that this storm was headed our way - so He guided us then to have it be in a lot for sale at a different location.
I tell you all this for two reasons - as I have come to appreciate the garden (if not the work), I have also started taking an active part with my husband in the care of it - although he does the lion's share. I see the garden in my yard as so much like my spiritual life. How?
Well, in the spring, personal storms began brewing (God preparing my soil) - then my grandfather, who had such a powerful influence on my spiritual life and foundation, got sick all of a sudden and died after a month with cancer. I was blessed with being able to go and help my mom, aunt and uncle on the weekends stay with him and care for him - in the middle of that - my mom fell at his house and fractured her shoulder - could not even dress herself, bathe herself, make her own food, or drive. I had the opportunity to serve my mom in the most elemental of ways during that 5 weeks. She is home now and I have stayed only one weekend because of all the other personal stuff that has come up - but God provided my sister in law and brother to be there to help care for her at her home (which is where she wanted to be).
So, during that time I was able to really reflect on my personal legacy - what trail am I leaving behind? What do my children and husband see?
My grandfather was given the gift of evangelism. Even dying of cancer he asked nurses and hospice workers if they knew Jesus and where they were attending church. He was not ashamed of the Gospel of Christ. His neighbors came to share all there interactions with him - visit with him and thank him. He cared for the widows around him and always looked out for them. He took initiative in his neighborhood, church, family, and community - even when it wasn't always welcome. In 2007 when I was able to spend one on one time with him in the hospital, he told me then to start reading Ezekiel - the end was drawing near. He told me to make sure my relationship with Christ was on track - and encouraged me to share Him with others - Granddaddy also took the time to remind me that he prayed daily, by name, for each member of my family - and me. I cherish that. I know his prayers made a difference in my life.
So, in this season of God "tilling" my heart's soil, planting His seeds (bringing events into my life that I could grow through or not allow to root) providing fertilizer (relationships with others, His word, church, music, etc) if I chose to partake of it, providing water (His word - and sometimes storms), to help these fledgling seeds take root and grow. But, the weeding is just as vital - and can be painful - the tearing out of bad habits, destructive ways or thoughts, past hurts, etc - to allow room for the new growth. Then - more rain, fertilizer, and weeding as the growth continues. Now the sprouts are big - reaching constantly toward the SON - the flowers open wide to allow the necessary "bug" in - that exact thing needed to fertilize and spur on naturally - specifically designed for me and my "flower". But the enemy has plans, too. The enemy is a master manipulator and liar - takes what is meant for good and can pervert it - if we don't get rid of those things in our life garden, then it can drown us (if we don't have good drainage), eat us (if we allow the wrong 'bugs' into our flower), or burn us (if we plant ourselves in the wrong part of the yard with too much or too little sun).
So, daily tending is needed. Plans are needed. Preparation is needed. Help is needed.
We are not islands unto ourselves. God designed us to have help weeding our gardens as needed. Help to spur us on, to taking in the fertilizer and water, and tempering both - knowing when to keep certain bugs, and when to demolish the others.
When we do these things the 'fruit' born of our toil, labor, and weeding pain - is so very, very good - and abundant enough to share with others!
If we focus only on the pain of the problem we are in - we have the potential to become stagnant, drown, or eaten alive. Instead, I ask you to consider keeping your blooms open to the SON, and your tendrils reaching constantly for new ground to grow in - led by His hand- through the fertilizing and weeding and watering of our time with Him, with friends striving toward Him also, and through praise of our Father.
I now so much more appreciate my garden. Thank you, Abba.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Amazing Grace....
Grace is definitely what Jesus is giving me at this point in my life. He is "doing for me what I can't do for myself" - Grace.
I love Jesus. I so appreciate His timing - just when I think He has forgotten me or didn't hear me, He steps in once again. Despite my fear - fear that is confessed and fear that I want to be rid of. I see now the only way to be rid of that fear is to let Jesus' voice and promises become louder in my mind and soul. Sometimes that is specifically through His word - through reading the Bible and spending time with Him - sometimes He gives a word through someone else - and sometimes - just like in a pinball game - He provides buffers to get us back on course. Reminders of who He is and what power He does have - reminders of His love, promises, and provisions no matter what the enemy or our flesh is attempting to get us off track with.
Thank you, Jesus. Thank you for my friends, for meetings, for church, and for your continued patience with me in my growing.
I had the opportunity to spend face to face time with a friend that knows me and my husband very well last night. She is another person God has used in these past weeks to steer me back on course, to calm my anxiety, remind me of what I know of Christ's promises for me and my life, and give me practical and timely advice about not over reacting in my moments of fear.
I also got to attend a meeting last night that I haven't been a part of in over 10 years. Wow. What a necessary reminder to me and my life right now. Have I really become a "snob". By that I mean - thinking I didn't need others - to be reminded of what could be and has been and what needs to be during such a time as this? I am so thankful for the group I got to meet with last night - a true reminder that all my searching, trying to figure things out, and plans, and questioning is such a huge waste of time and anxiety builder. A definite reminder that I don't just surrender my will to Christ once and that is it, but that it may be something I have to do hour by hour as I try and fall into the same old patterns of interaction.
My need for "instant" takes a back seat at this point. Obviously the refining and growing process Christ has for me at this time is REALLY a process - not just something that happens overnight. (Go figure ;0)
My husband was up when I got home last night - after a few false starts we were able to have a very good conversation. I am so thankful to Jesus for that. I know He was moving me and tempering me because I asked Him to. "Ask and you shall receive, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened to you." Matthew 11:23 (i think). So, good steps forward when I stopped to see things from my husband's perspective. As difficult as it is to admit I do have some culpability in our issues these last few weeks. I did not create the precipitating event, but I have reacted in ways that were out of anxiety, fear, self preservation that have not been for the good of my marriage and support of my husband.
Again, it all comes back to grace.
Thank you, Jesus, for continuing to guide me and teach me even when I am difficult to stop.
I love Jesus. I so appreciate His timing - just when I think He has forgotten me or didn't hear me, He steps in once again. Despite my fear - fear that is confessed and fear that I want to be rid of. I see now the only way to be rid of that fear is to let Jesus' voice and promises become louder in my mind and soul. Sometimes that is specifically through His word - through reading the Bible and spending time with Him - sometimes He gives a word through someone else - and sometimes - just like in a pinball game - He provides buffers to get us back on course. Reminders of who He is and what power He does have - reminders of His love, promises, and provisions no matter what the enemy or our flesh is attempting to get us off track with.
Thank you, Jesus. Thank you for my friends, for meetings, for church, and for your continued patience with me in my growing.
I had the opportunity to spend face to face time with a friend that knows me and my husband very well last night. She is another person God has used in these past weeks to steer me back on course, to calm my anxiety, remind me of what I know of Christ's promises for me and my life, and give me practical and timely advice about not over reacting in my moments of fear.
I also got to attend a meeting last night that I haven't been a part of in over 10 years. Wow. What a necessary reminder to me and my life right now. Have I really become a "snob". By that I mean - thinking I didn't need others - to be reminded of what could be and has been and what needs to be during such a time as this? I am so thankful for the group I got to meet with last night - a true reminder that all my searching, trying to figure things out, and plans, and questioning is such a huge waste of time and anxiety builder. A definite reminder that I don't just surrender my will to Christ once and that is it, but that it may be something I have to do hour by hour as I try and fall into the same old patterns of interaction.
My need for "instant" takes a back seat at this point. Obviously the refining and growing process Christ has for me at this time is REALLY a process - not just something that happens overnight. (Go figure ;0)
My husband was up when I got home last night - after a few false starts we were able to have a very good conversation. I am so thankful to Jesus for that. I know He was moving me and tempering me because I asked Him to. "Ask and you shall receive, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened to you." Matthew 11:23 (i think). So, good steps forward when I stopped to see things from my husband's perspective. As difficult as it is to admit I do have some culpability in our issues these last few weeks. I did not create the precipitating event, but I have reacted in ways that were out of anxiety, fear, self preservation that have not been for the good of my marriage and support of my husband.
Again, it all comes back to grace.
Thank you, Jesus, for continuing to guide me and teach me even when I am difficult to stop.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Just in Time
Something I evidently have to be reminded of more and more often over these last months is that Jesus is with me. He is not at all suprised by my circumstances. He already knew exactly what I would do even before I was born. The thing is, I often let myself get bogged down by the "right now". The trees so to speak. Jesus sees the forest I am walking through and He will never leave me or forsake me. It is promised by Him to me. So, no matter what deceit my thoughts try for - being manipulated by the Master Manipulator - I choose to focus on what God's word says and promises.
Psalm 139:7-10 "Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the Heavens, you are there. If I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, EVEN THERE YOUR HAND WILL GUIDE ME!! Your right hand will HOLD ME FAST!"
So, as my pastor's wife read this as a word Jesus asked her to share with the church last night, I knew Jesus was not only speaking to others, but even more specifically to me. I knew that as I had been praying throughout the day and into the service about needing something from Him, He met me there and gave it to me. Psalm 139 goes on to talk about the fact that He knew me before I was born - and all that would happen with me - BEFORE I was even born!
Let's think about that for a moment. So, Jesus knew that I would steal lip gloss from Big B Drugs as an 8 year old, but still loved me enough to die on the cross? He knew I would be tormented by my younger brother and get into mean physical altercations with all my siblings, yet still loved me enough to die. He knew that I would treat my mom with the utmost of disrespect growing up, but still provided loving guiding hands to steer me toward Him. He knew that I would have a tendency to ignore the obvious - mainly because it is easier - and yet still enabled me to finish high school with honors, and complete my college degree. He knew that I would forgive my parents for all perceived wrongs - mainly because He has loved and forgiven me and my heart is not as heavy since I have. He, because He loves me, has allowed me to go through many personally difficult times because of choices made by others in my life and myself - because when I was able to look back on those things I was given the gift of seeing how they have shaped me mainly for the good - and He saw it all the whole time. Some of the things I went through as a teen and young adult have left scars that have yet to be dealt with by Him - He has been waiting on me. A dear friend reminded me that Jesus doesn't want to just heal me and have the scar remain - He wants to come into my heart and life - scrape out the old 'gunk' and scar area and LEAVE ME WHOLE!! Why? Because He loves me. He created me for a purpose and wants me to be able to fulfill that purpose. If I stay open to His direction and His love - ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE!!
So, I DO believe my marriage will be completely restored beyond my wildest dreams - and OH! what a marvelous testimony awaits us on that day!
I do believe that although I did not choose where I am right now - that Jesus knew, way before me, and has been preparing me, leading me, guiding me - all in an effort to make me stronger in Him, to do His will, and to fulfill the purpose He has on my life.
Right now, for this season, that purpose appears to be a wife and a mother and I will not go down without a serious fight in either category. Does that mean some scars will have to be dug out? Probably - and I am sure the pain may get worse before it gets better, but, Jesus is RIGHT HERE WITH ME. Does that also mean I am going to have to develop healthier strategies to cope? besides eating or whining to others? You betcha!
My seat belt is fastened, my heart is open, my voice is calling and my spirit is so willing! GO JESUS!!! Show me what you have for my life and my family!!
Psalm 139:7-10 "Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the Heavens, you are there. If I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, EVEN THERE YOUR HAND WILL GUIDE ME!! Your right hand will HOLD ME FAST!"
So, as my pastor's wife read this as a word Jesus asked her to share with the church last night, I knew Jesus was not only speaking to others, but even more specifically to me. I knew that as I had been praying throughout the day and into the service about needing something from Him, He met me there and gave it to me. Psalm 139 goes on to talk about the fact that He knew me before I was born - and all that would happen with me - BEFORE I was even born!
Let's think about that for a moment. So, Jesus knew that I would steal lip gloss from Big B Drugs as an 8 year old, but still loved me enough to die on the cross? He knew I would be tormented by my younger brother and get into mean physical altercations with all my siblings, yet still loved me enough to die. He knew that I would treat my mom with the utmost of disrespect growing up, but still provided loving guiding hands to steer me toward Him. He knew that I would have a tendency to ignore the obvious - mainly because it is easier - and yet still enabled me to finish high school with honors, and complete my college degree. He knew that I would forgive my parents for all perceived wrongs - mainly because He has loved and forgiven me and my heart is not as heavy since I have. He, because He loves me, has allowed me to go through many personally difficult times because of choices made by others in my life and myself - because when I was able to look back on those things I was given the gift of seeing how they have shaped me mainly for the good - and He saw it all the whole time. Some of the things I went through as a teen and young adult have left scars that have yet to be dealt with by Him - He has been waiting on me. A dear friend reminded me that Jesus doesn't want to just heal me and have the scar remain - He wants to come into my heart and life - scrape out the old 'gunk' and scar area and LEAVE ME WHOLE!! Why? Because He loves me. He created me for a purpose and wants me to be able to fulfill that purpose. If I stay open to His direction and His love - ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE!!
So, I DO believe my marriage will be completely restored beyond my wildest dreams - and OH! what a marvelous testimony awaits us on that day!
I do believe that although I did not choose where I am right now - that Jesus knew, way before me, and has been preparing me, leading me, guiding me - all in an effort to make me stronger in Him, to do His will, and to fulfill the purpose He has on my life.
Right now, for this season, that purpose appears to be a wife and a mother and I will not go down without a serious fight in either category. Does that mean some scars will have to be dug out? Probably - and I am sure the pain may get worse before it gets better, but, Jesus is RIGHT HERE WITH ME. Does that also mean I am going to have to develop healthier strategies to cope? besides eating or whining to others? You betcha!
My seat belt is fastened, my heart is open, my voice is calling and my spirit is so willing! GO JESUS!!! Show me what you have for my life and my family!!
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
the Process....
So, during this time of refining by God, I seem to take giant leaps forward and then fall back again - back into the pattern of listening to fear, uncertainty, and desperately wanting everything to just "go back". Back to what? Back to "before". I don't have a specific time period - maybe before March of this year. March is the time I sensed a change within me and my house. Not for the better either which is probably why I am in the mess I am in today. I know that God is trying to use this time to change my heart - make me more like Him - I asked for that, right? So, why am I whining? Why am I wishing to "go back"? I am making a concerted effort to reach out to my friends - those that have been friends for a long time and even my newer friends. It is so interesting to me how - whether by design or happenstance - the majority of these friends do not really have time to listen to me whine - and I know that - so I don't. Which brings me back to God - where I need to be anyway.
So, as I am trying to wait on God, hear God, and wait for healing I am constantly looking around and trying to figure out what I can be doing to help - I am not, after all, an idle person. I like action. I need to see progress.
Maybe this is my problem. People cannot move on my schedule all the time - and God is no different. I want something specific that says "this" will never happen again. Hurts will not occur in this area - everything will be fine.
When I let my "flesh" loose so to speak - I find my fear runs rampant - I obsess about things, don't get much sleep - am distrustful - protective and very walled off. This is not healthy. I also get irritable with no sleep - and less patient with those around me - and bless their souls - they have no idea what I am going through and it is not their fault.
So, this weekend I spent time with my husband cleaning out the garage, fixing up the kids' rooms, watching movies - but Sunday night it all crept back up - like a clinging sludge that I can't get off me. I analyze everything, know in my gut something is off, but allow myself to be easily swayed that nothing is wrong - and then it comes back again - knock it down, it grows back.
By Monday I figured the best thing to do is just ask no questions, keep my mouth shut in general and go about my business. This isn't working - sure there are no questions, accusations, or lies, but there is also no communication or involvement and there is continued building of resentment on both parts. I see it, feel it, but have no idea how to change it or the course I am on.
So, I cry out to God - more and more - for me, for him, for my kids, for my family.
I am re-reading The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian. GREAT information and encouragement, but also overwhelming and seems impossible - Is it really that easy? I can read a book, say a few prayers, and all is well?
Evidently not. I need God to supernaturally give me patience where I have none!! I need a serious intervention. I need a women's Bible Study with other women who are supportive, not judgemental, and are encouraging. People that have walked where I am walking and have lived to tell about it - the good the bad and the ugly.
I am not sure right now if we will survive "the process" of refinement in tact as a couple. I want to. I need to. I do not want my children to grow up without a father - not just a father, but an actively seeking God's face kind of father - in the home. I also love my husband and want to be married to him.
Yes, I know God cares about me, I know He has a purpose for me and all circumstances I go through, but sometimes - down in the dregs, I feel like I am just a drop in His never ending bucket. I really don't know what I need right now. I would like to think I do, but I don't. I do need to constantly remember that what satan is trying to tell me is such a fat lie - God does care about me and I do matter - even what I am going through today.
So, as I am trying to wait on God, hear God, and wait for healing I am constantly looking around and trying to figure out what I can be doing to help - I am not, after all, an idle person. I like action. I need to see progress.
Maybe this is my problem. People cannot move on my schedule all the time - and God is no different. I want something specific that says "this" will never happen again. Hurts will not occur in this area - everything will be fine.
When I let my "flesh" loose so to speak - I find my fear runs rampant - I obsess about things, don't get much sleep - am distrustful - protective and very walled off. This is not healthy. I also get irritable with no sleep - and less patient with those around me - and bless their souls - they have no idea what I am going through and it is not their fault.
So, this weekend I spent time with my husband cleaning out the garage, fixing up the kids' rooms, watching movies - but Sunday night it all crept back up - like a clinging sludge that I can't get off me. I analyze everything, know in my gut something is off, but allow myself to be easily swayed that nothing is wrong - and then it comes back again - knock it down, it grows back.
By Monday I figured the best thing to do is just ask no questions, keep my mouth shut in general and go about my business. This isn't working - sure there are no questions, accusations, or lies, but there is also no communication or involvement and there is continued building of resentment on both parts. I see it, feel it, but have no idea how to change it or the course I am on.
So, I cry out to God - more and more - for me, for him, for my kids, for my family.
I am re-reading The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian. GREAT information and encouragement, but also overwhelming and seems impossible - Is it really that easy? I can read a book, say a few prayers, and all is well?
Evidently not. I need God to supernaturally give me patience where I have none!! I need a serious intervention. I need a women's Bible Study with other women who are supportive, not judgemental, and are encouraging. People that have walked where I am walking and have lived to tell about it - the good the bad and the ugly.
I am not sure right now if we will survive "the process" of refinement in tact as a couple. I want to. I need to. I do not want my children to grow up without a father - not just a father, but an actively seeking God's face kind of father - in the home. I also love my husband and want to be married to him.
Yes, I know God cares about me, I know He has a purpose for me and all circumstances I go through, but sometimes - down in the dregs, I feel like I am just a drop in His never ending bucket. I really don't know what I need right now. I would like to think I do, but I don't. I do need to constantly remember that what satan is trying to tell me is such a fat lie - God does care about me and I do matter - even what I am going through today.
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