the Process....

So, during this time of refining by God, I seem to take giant leaps forward and then fall back again - back into the pattern of listening to fear, uncertainty, and desperately wanting everything to just "go back". Back to what? Back to "before". I don't have a specific time period - maybe before March of this year. March is the time I sensed a change within me and my house. Not for the better either which is probably why I am in the mess I am in today. I know that God is trying to use this time to change my heart - make me more like Him - I asked for that, right? So, why am I whining? Why am I wishing to "go back"? I am making a concerted effort to reach out to my friends - those that have been friends for a long time and even my newer friends. It is so interesting to me how - whether by design or happenstance - the majority of these friends do not really have time to listen to me whine - and I know that - so I don't. Which brings me back to God - where I need to be anyway.
So, as I am trying to wait on God, hear God, and wait for healing I am constantly looking around and trying to figure out what I can be doing to help - I am not, after all, an idle person. I like action. I need to see progress.
Maybe this is my problem. People cannot move on my schedule all the time - and God is no different. I want something specific that says "this" will never happen again. Hurts will not occur in this area - everything will be fine.
When I let my "flesh" loose so to speak - I find my fear runs rampant - I obsess about things, don't get much sleep - am distrustful - protective and very walled off. This is not healthy. I also get irritable with no sleep - and less patient with those around me - and bless their souls - they have no idea what I am going through and it is not their fault.
So, this weekend I spent time with my husband cleaning out the garage, fixing up the kids' rooms, watching movies - but Sunday night it all crept back up - like a clinging sludge that I can't get off me. I analyze everything, know in my gut something is off, but allow myself to be easily swayed that nothing is wrong - and then it comes back again - knock it down, it grows back.
By Monday I figured the best thing to do is just ask no questions, keep my mouth shut in general and go about my business. This isn't working - sure there are no questions, accusations, or lies, but there is also no communication or involvement and there is continued building of resentment on both parts. I see it, feel it, but have no idea how to change it or the course I am on.
So, I cry out to God - more and more - for me, for him, for my kids, for my family.
I am re-reading The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian. GREAT information and encouragement, but also overwhelming and seems impossible - Is it really that easy? I can read a book, say a few prayers, and all is well?
Evidently not. I need God to supernaturally give me patience where I have none!! I need a serious intervention. I need a women's Bible Study with other women who are supportive, not judgemental, and are encouraging. People that have walked where I am walking and have lived to tell about it - the good the bad and the ugly.
I am not sure right now if we will survive "the process" of refinement in tact as a couple. I want to. I need to. I do not want my children to grow up without a father - not just a father, but an actively seeking God's face kind of father - in the home. I also love my husband and want to be married to him.
Yes, I know God cares about me, I know He has a purpose for me and all circumstances I go through, but sometimes - down in the dregs, I feel like I am just a drop in His never ending bucket. I really don't know what I need right now. I would like to think I do, but I don't. I do need to constantly remember that what satan is trying to tell me is such a fat lie - God does care about me and I do matter - even what I am going through today.

more....

So, yesterday I wrote about moving forward and last night I made a GIANT step in that direction. It is true that to work out an issue you seriously have to talk - talk and listen. Sometimes one is easier than the other, but both are required for resolution.
I think God knows when we need people around us to help us not over react to something. Now, whether or not we stop, take the time to talk with them, open ourselves up to that, and listen to the wisdom they may have is an entirely different story.
I can think of three major times in my adult life that I have specifically cried out to God for some sign - any sign that He was hearing me in extremely difficult situations. Each time He has given me specific signs. Now, had my heart not been open to seeing/hearing the signs I would probably be a very angry person - but He promises never to leave us or forsake us and I KNOW that from things I experienced in my childhood - no matter how bad I may have considered the situation - God always put someone or something there to lighten the load or walk with me through it. So, knowing my past experience with God helps me with my present experience.
They say the best way to determine future behavior is past behavior. I do agree with that, but not to the extent that I lose the faith God has asked me to have in Him rather than in people or circumstances. God can change anything and anybody - if the person is willing.
So, last night was good for me and my healing process.
Thank you, God.

Learning

What I am finding out about myself is that if I stay aware of people and "things" around me after I have asked God for help, guidance, knowledge, etc., then I will hear it or see it or read it in the coming days - "It" being His answer of course.
Yes, the answer could be "no" or "wait", but He does answer. I am often just too impatient to stop and pay attention to the answers when they are coming in. This is when I often make rash and foolish decisions, or say things I regret later, or do things that I can never undo.
Have you been there? Do you know what I mean?
So, I am waiting. Waiting in the hurting, growing through this pain and uncertainty. Knowing that God IS supplying me with all I need for the moment. No more is needed (despite what my flesh may think). Now, this waiting is made more difficult for me specifically when I don't feel my family is on board with waiting on God. I may be wrong in this and my family may feel they most definitely are acting in what God is directing them in. This is when I further learn about submission to the spiritual authority in my life.
That authority is first God, then my husband, then my family, then my church. Right? I am continually being taught and stretched and made to grow for the next thing God has planned to use me in. I pray that my experiences can be used by God as a testimony to His grace, faithfulness, and patience with even me.

Be careful what you pray for, you just might get the opportunity...

You know - it is true - when you go through something - especially if that thing is something you consider "bad" you draw into yourself and away from others. Vulnerability is not a trait that comes lightly to me.
For about two years I have been praying specifically that God would help me to become a better mother, wife, and friend. I see the good days and bad days in this, but evidently God now feels I am ready for the "fire" so to speak. I am clinging. Clinging to the knowledge that He will never leave me or forsake me, that He does have plans for my life - and this includes plans to prosper - to bring hope and a future - not harm. I am also clinging to the fact that He promises that despite the trials and tribulations of this world - He has overcome the world and as His child I am protected.
I was reminded yesterday that God is in the middle of refining me. Unfortunately this includes "fire". I would - in my flesh - just like to lay down and curl up in His lap and that be it- but that does not bring about true change - the change I have been praying for - to be a better mother - wife - friend. So - as this "firing" process continues and I am learning anew what surrender to Christ really means - bear with me.
I am waiting on God - waiting to see the story He is going to write out of this season of my life in order to bring others closer to Him - if even one person can benefit from help through my "fire" then PRAISE GOD!!
But, please Lord, right now - just get me through it in a way that is pleasing to YOU! Not in the way that my flesh feels is easiest or least painful - please guide my steps, thoughts, words, and actions in the coming days and months.
Thank you, Jesus, for loving me in spite of me, and in turn teaching me how to truly love others even when hurt and distrustful.

Easter

Easter is such a precious time in the life of a Christian. The celebration of Christ's gift to us. The reminder that He REALLY does know and feel exactly what we are going through, because he went through that and more, first!
Today as I write on Good Friday, I can't help but think about what this day was like for Jesus. He was betrayed by his closest friends, lied about, illegally tried, falsely accused, and then beaten and ripped, and stabbed, and laughed at all for me.
I am so not worthy. I complain, moan about insignificant things, am not always thankful enough - too busy most days looking forward, but always ready to call out to Him in my time of need. Amazingly He is always there, no matter how selfish or childish I may have been, and always ready to give comfort, peace, replace my sorrow for joy, and spur me on. Even when He himself did not complain!
So, as my weakness is moved to strength through Him I am so blessed and thankful. Thankful that He loves me despite me being me, and so thankful that He has blessed me so richly with a Godly husband, family, friends, a church, children, job, and community. I am also blessed to live in the best country on Earth even though I sometimes even complain about that!
So, this Easter, be thankful, remember, and share Him with others.